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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell.

I hope that these prayers are answered and that he has a speedy and permanent recovery.

Hugs, Dip.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

No time.

((((FUN))))

Nell - Lots of prayers coming your way.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
blue_roses
♀ Member
Member # 32062
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No time at all.

((Nell)), sending positive, healing thoughts your way. I hope the boyo makes a speedy and complete recovery.


BS - Me, 39
WH - 44: 10 year EA with ex-fiancee OW#1 (no remorse)
2 year EA/PA with OW#2 (hates my anger and questioning)
13 years married; 16 years total
2 boys
DDay 4/10/11, NC broken 6/8/11
Status unknown

Posts: 323 | Registered: May 2011 | From: South
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - Lots of prayers for Boyo. My daughter has a weird autoimmune disease which they could not diagnose for 8 years. I still don't think they have it right. Symptoms are extremely weird and she was an extremely high risk when she was pregnant. I will pray that Boyo recovers and hopefully it will be something he will outgrow.

There's a 4:30 p.m. alarm in my head that beeps to let me know that WH will be home soon, so if I'm to self-medicate, I need to do it now.

Ok....this is me! After dinner I don't want a drink!!

Miracle - the post about manchild made me laugh and I really needed that.

My Dd28 came home for good. She left her BF. So she is going to be my walking partner, and whatever else I need from her. She owes me big time!

Hugs to the tribe...


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Fun

So good to hear you sounding more positive. And yes our kids DO owe us big time. So after As they need to step up too. From the time they were born we were ALWAYS there for them and we never expected anything in return.

So a little support in our hour of need is not just good but right!

Sat morning here and FWH has gone to town to get materials to revamp my walk in wardrobe (Is that what you yanks call it?) Like a little room you keep your clothes in.

He's going to rearrange hanging and shelf space for me. Since I lost so much weight I have done LOTS of shopping.

I knew there was a reason I decided to keep him

He is now moving his clothes to DS's room. Cause I need more space.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell-sending out prayers for a speedy recovery for your son!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura-
LOL..we call it a walk in closet! But, I do know what a wardrobe is too!
Having a big closet is the best! And having it organized with new shelving installed by your husband even better! and..having it filled with new 'skinny' clothes...well, can't get much better than that.

I did lose weight initially after d-day..but then it slowly crept back! Too much 'comfort food'.
I'm with Nofun now... need to lose that 10-15 lbs.
Plan to work on doing that this summer.


Dip- I will have to avoid your chocolate chip cookie barbecue recipe!
Sounds like you are doing ok?

Speaking of the ALanon book- One Day At a Time.. I agree, I have found a lot in there that is helpful in recovering from the trauma of d-day etc.
A lot of the books from Hazelden (books on addiction and recovery and co-dpendency etc.) have also been helpful in dealing with infidelity.
Books on Acceptance ,self- Affirmations, etc.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI NJ

Re losing weight after dday:

First few months it was stress and then I decided I needed a new me = so dieted. Nothing fancy - just lots of fruit, salad and veges and NO bread, cakes, biscuits, candy, chocolate or sugar. None!

I lost 30+lbs in 6 months. Now I am naughty sometimes but I weigh myself every morning before getting into shower. Many say you shouldn't but I find it tells me what I can eat each day. And I've kept to the same weight for 6 months.

I'm very proud of myself in case you hadn't guessed.

Edited to add:

But I won't give up my red wine just yet


Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 9:26 PM, June 10th (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH returned today from his 1-week at Onsite. It was just as life-altering for him as it was for me. We both agree that everyone could stand a week there. It just really puts so much in perspective...how your FOO messes you up, your relationships, etc. As my therapist said, it's like a year's worth of counseling in one week. Very powerful. FWH got a lot out of it and he agrees that we need to S. He said that he knows he has a lot of work to do on himself before we can work on us.

Don't have much time as DS17 is due back any minute and he's in a foul mood today. Nell...thinking about you and sending positive energy your way.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

had a few drinks so i may not make some sense but still need to try..


strong: ok, so he goes to this onsite workshop, comes back and says its life altering, but says that a "s" is in order...well blow me down.....you would think he would come home and realize what a lucky son of a bitch he has been and that losing you would be horrible and that his life altering experience is that he want his marriage to work and he completely commited to making himself the best mr strong he can be, and the best husband he can be...and father too.....but no he comes home and thinks a "s" is a great idea....

sorry, i not liking him right now....that the disney person in my heart who wants the happy endings, the one who wants the guy to become the good guy and for the happily ever after....

i wonder if ii read this tomorrow if i will feel the same way....

pfm keeps saying that we could still have it all...i dont know call me crazy but the idiot made a new friend, not to mention he has still yet to lose the liar status, or the idiot status....granted when i drink i may feel like an idiot especially when i think about who i married...but i would have to be the biggest idiot in the world to buy his shit....as much as i wanted to do way back when...its NOT way back when its now...and he is still the same person he was then....he is just not a monster any more...but if the monster comes back he would be pickin his clothes off the front lawn...

girls nite out tonite was short, but it was fun...

oh, and i weigh myself at least twice a day, more if i am in the vicinity of the scale...i am slightly obsessed with keeping the weight off...or at least watching the weight on the scale, cause i admit, there are times that i dont give a shit when its up and i see that reeses peanut butter cup and its a callin me...miracle, oh miracle cant you taste my peanutty goodness....well then i dont give a fuck and eat the damned peanut butter cup BUT i still get on the damned scale to see what it says...


kkk, cant think anymore... nite tribe...hopefully i will not see anymore headliners in the forums...sometimes you just gotta go into the thread to see what it says..no matter what forum its in....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, June 10th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell: I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. My mother has an internet circle of prayer and I will ask her to keep your son in their intentions. {{{{Nell}}}

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, June 11th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell, I know how frustrating atypical medical conditions can be for the patient and those trying to assist. Your family is in my thoughts.

Strongish, kind of a backhanded admission from your H. I often wonder if I should have gone to D early on, and then we could R if things worked out. The limbo of wondering and waiting is painful.

Iwam, reads like you had a good night out. The alcohol is messing with my BS weight loss, but I am unwilling to give it up.

I looked at photos from before dday. I was way overweight, fww is remote from me, but my expression looks calm. She looks happy then, beautiful. Still, I know I was angry then. I just did not know why.

Second night in a row fww is on a couch. Her job loss is taking me back to 2008 when she was let go from job where she and last OM worked. I remember thinking how it was odd (wrong) how much she sought is advice then. Very complicated, but triggering me.

OM made clear what they wanted and she provided, why can she not give me what I desire? Why am I an obligation?

I am torn by the paths in front of me, and realize how deeply I gave neglected my professional career the last 6 years.

We have a MC session in 2 weeks, maybe that will provide sine clarity.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, June 11th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish-
Glad that your husband agreed to go to the workshop and found it to be life changing.
From what you have told us about his behavior it does sound as if he needs to re-think his entire life.
Perhaps a separation will be what he needs.
I do believe that our WS have a toxic way of looking at the world-very similar to the toxic thinking (or stinking thinking) of an alcoholic.
They say that just getting sober for the alcoholic is not enough -that is called a dry drunk. He/she may no longer be drinking but if they have done nothing to try to change the way they think, act, behave, look at the world...well then they are dry drunks.
I think its the same with WS.
Just stopping the behavior,stopping cheating is not enough. They have to completely change the way they look at the world, their spouse, marriage, and themselves.

That's why AA is so important for alcoholics and intense IC is so important for the WS.

That's why an intense weekend program like Retrouvaille has value.
The toxic thinking is imbedded and you need something major to jolt them out of it.

ATS-
I'm glad to hear that you are going back to MC.

I don't know if I ever asked? Do you think your wife would agree to go to an intense weekend like Retrouvaille? It could be good for her to see how many spouses out there are willing to work really hard at saving their marriages.
IMHO it seems like theres a part of her that thinks her half hearted attempts at reconciliation are enough and are acceptable.
Maybe if she sees the level of comittment needed for a marriage to work it could be a wake up call?

The book I talked about from Alanon that I think would be helpful for even those that do not have an alcoholic spouse but are dealing with LTAs- is Courage to Change (One Day at a Time II).
Its a little book. I think you can buy it on Amazon.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 8:33 PM, June 11th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, June 11th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI all

In the middle of a meltdown. Don't know why or where it came from.

HUgs Please

Lauara


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, June 11th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((laura))))

what thoughts were going through your mind prior, is there some sort of trigger???

what is it you fear during this meltdown??

i wish i could give them to you irl, i hope you have someone who can....but in the meantime:

((((laura))))

off to the gym for me shortly...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, June 11th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura- What's going on? I'm hugging you from a very long distance. Hate that shit. This too shall pass.

Ats - I think it's the booze that has made me gain the weight. I am going to try to give it up. Maybe a doobie is better?

Honest - Speaking of prayer circles....a long while ago, a bunch of us girls were complaining about our husband's and an online prayer circle was making the rounds. So I changed the prayer and titled it "dead husband's pray circle". This was before Dday and was really just a joke but boy did we get followers and lots and lots of laughs. Anyway, I worry now that between that and the damn voodoo dolls is the reason my H got bladder cancer....of course I know it's not the truth...but just saying.

Strongish - I was thinking on the lines with Miracle, that your H would come home and put his all into saving the M. I guess I like the happy endings also.

Ats - I think sometimes you just have to accept what is. I have come to the conslusion that my H will never really "get it". He will never change. He just has too many issues. So I either accept it and make myself happy or move on. It's hard because just the other night out of the blue he said to me, "don't you think we make a good pair." And I immediately without a thought said, "NO, I don't think we make a good pair, and I believe you never really loved me and I believe you don't love me now, you just don't know HOW to love and I don't believe you even know what it is." That was the end of the conversation. Pretty sad. So here I am accepting what is as I always have done.

(((((tribe)))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 11th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell: You are in my prayers.

((Laura)) HOw are you today?

Ats: why is she sleeping on the couch?

Fun: You don't think he ever loved you or loves you now? Really? Hard to imagine being happy in a relationship like that.Idk, sounds like he loves you & is trying.

Strongish: I'm divided. Sounds like he really put the effort into the workshop & it paid off. That's wonderful. That he chose to S - well, Idk - could be a mature decision, a temporary fix with the intent to r? Idk - what did you think of his response?

Miracle & Honest - glad you had a good night out. My night out was pretty disappointing. Called it an early night myself.

Catch up with the rest of you later, Diva has had it with SI.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, June 11th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boyo2's fever is much reduced and he is perky... damn it. This is exactly how he was last year. So now we wait and see, write down everything so we can bring it to the brilliant medical minds whose advice was "well, Nell, he may get better all on his own. Or he may stay the same. Or he might get worse, in which case we will run some more tests." Uh... how much did you pay for that medical degree? (That was sarcastic humor.) Thanks for all your thoughts/prayers/karma/whathaveyou.

I did go out last night and had a lovely time. Dropped my friend off at a club where her brother was playing and was offered a toke while there. Thought of you guys, giggled a bit, turned it down. I must say, people with doobies are the FRIENDLIEST people. They just want to share with everyone!

Lots of gators, little privacy. Must run!

Day one of ET/Al-GF, check.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, June 11th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nell: if its a come and go thing check into allergies...not sure if allergies would cause a fever, but because of the allergen that affects you, the symptoms dont always show up unless the allergen is present and accounted for...

glad you had a good time last nite...it is always good when we can let loose and enjoy anything...life is for living, and we have spent so much time not living but mourning, grieving and angry that we have lost lots of livin...


oh, and yes when high we are all quite friendly, and find so many things humorous, whether they are really funny or not...


allgood: sorry your nite was a bust...there will always be other nites though...always...we gots to live for those moments, and hopefully those moments last longer then just moments...

jeez i am talkin like i did last nite, i think i need a nap...


oh and fun, i too would join that circle...

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, June 11th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have been thinking especially of strongish... does your WH mean "I need to focus on myself with some deep, deep IC so that I can become the person I should and want to be, and the husband that you deserve" or "I need a break because this shit is too hard."???

Laura,
Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs!

I was making small talk with Al-GF (So, you said you only lived in [previous state] for two years?) and got an earful. The woman is a hot mess in every conceivable way. Oh, yeah. This will end well. And yet, completely expected. ET doesn't just shop at the Crazy Girlfriend Discount Store, he paws around in the store's mark-down bins. (Please note, I feel sorry for her... but would like to smack him squarely between the ears over and over until whatever is jammed in his brain shakes loose. It's like he continuously decides to drink radiator fluid instead of Gatorade. Or something. That wasn't a very good metaphor, actually.)

Okay, Boyo1 is on his way in to bug me off the computer while Boyo2 naps. (Still feverish, but greatly reduced.)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
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