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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strong

Hope you are Ok today.

The plan is for FWH to move out the week after DD22's graduation

Is he fighting this, or just rolling over?

FWH is so argumentative and while one minute he appears to "get it" the next he's blame-shifting and lashing out.

While ever he's being a fucktard your R will stall. Hopefully S will give him time to really reflect. Make sure you pack plenty of good books for him to read. Maybe they will bring him to his senses.


My thinking was the if only I could "get over" the LTA then my kids would be fine.

No, the kids will be fine anyway. Life can be hard - we've learnt this the HARD way. But they'll be OK. Mine seem really good at present. they have known since a week after dday.

Honest

I just know that I have felt the difference when WH is just going throught the motions or is just satisfying a physical need and when he is "making love" to me.....

Following on from my previous post- I agree. A few months ago FWH said "I think I am falling in love with you again!". There is a 1000% difference in our sex life now. I believe he really is trying to "make love" to me. Not screw me as he did before. So I do know what you mean.

I think my WH was fulfilling his need for sex as fun/excitement/addiction/etc more than showing his love,

I think my FWHs behaviour on that Sun night proves you are right.

WH is after me about DS 16 visiting overseas for a few weeks. DS is bugging me too. I told WH that DS 12 and I are NOT going.

Please keep fighting this. Please. Have you been in touch with HS??? Can WH renew DSs PP without your permission?

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun

I was so pleased for you when I read your post. Really happy.

Now he really does seem to "get it". My FWH also "get it" but much as I hate to say it this is only the beginning. Yes he "gets it" but now he needs to DO it.

MY FWH has shown real understanding of what he did to me and the kids. He has been totally remorseful(maybe a little minimising???? but absolutely no blameshifting) and he has changed - a lot! He treats me totally differently to before dday.It is as though a light has gone on. For many months I suspected it was all some kind of an act. But now I don't think so. He's been too good for too long. If he wasn't genuine he couldn't keep it up so consistently and for so long.

I truly believe that there are 2 stages to R.

1 The FWS has to "get it"

2 The FWS has to CHANGE.

Your FWH has shown that he understands what he has done to you and your family. He now needs to learn how to be the H and father you always deserved. And I think this will be very hard for him.

Hopefully as he reflects on what he did he will come to see what he needs to do to change.

perhaps this is something you could write out for him. Not in a threatening way but in an encouraging way. If you try to discuss it, it could turn into an argument. If it is written you have lots of time to plan your words carefully ensuring that he knows you are not trying to punish him but help him get to where you know he wants to be.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome awakenedbytruth, blue_roses and forever.haunted

I have read you profiles and my heart goes out to you all.

You will meet some wonderful new friends here.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone

I am sick and my mind is mush. I keep reading but can't process so a quick hello and hugs to

the lurkers

Willow

ladies_first

Nell

Dip

Jollum

lostsuol

Nj

Miracle

M33

DP

SMS

Wow the house if filling up!

Thinking of you all and anyone else I've missed

BTW if any newbies or lurkers would like to add an item to our collage let me know.

You can see it here

http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=401384&AP=1

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 7:46 PM, June 7th (Tuesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that through our efforts to survive this shit we actually begin rediscovering ourselves. While our (F)WSs were not really into our Ms there were lots of unexplained probs that kept us down. Now we know the cause of these we can start to really live again and focus on OUR lives.

M3 - You need to read "Co-Dependent No More." It does a great job of explaining exactly why and how you need to detach with compassion. It truly opened my eyes to how I've been trying to control everyone and everything in my life. But as was written above, I'm rediscovering how it feels to be happy. Some days it takes some work, but it's been a long time since I just stood back and let life happen, without trying to "manage" it. It feels very, very good.

I truly believe that there are 2 stages to R.

1 The FWS has to "get it"

2 The FWS has to CHANGE

Laura, you hit the nail on the head or as someone said during my workshop at Onsite..."Trying is not doing." Don't get me wrong, you have to try before you do, but at the end of the day, good intentions only get you so far. On his good days FWH says all the right things but nothing changes. He talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk. So may WSs want to do the bare minimum needed to R and that's just not going to cut it with me. FWH has been gone since last Friday and it has been blessedly peaceful. I put on my big-girl panties and opened my own checking account yesterday.
At 50 years old, my first checking account in my name only. I wanted to have a pity party but decided to read a book instead.

Roses....I was thinking about you as I wrote that last sentence. Is there something you can do or someone you can call instead of trying to contact your WH? There were times I would call a friend or my sister if I felt myself weakening and wanting to try and backpedal on standing up for myself with FWH. I would have them keep me on the phone or invite myself over for a glass of wine until the insanity passed. Give it a try!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
blue_roses
♀ Member
Member # 32062
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strong, I have been calling my sister, parents and friends instead of WH, for the most part. Just knowing he knew I felt so awful, and he's been my best friend for so long, I wanted to hear from him instead.

I did not contact him after the last message I posted about taking the extra Xanax.

No did he contact me until this afternoon, at work, whence he informed me that I was only staying with him because I was afraid to be alone.

I told him I'd been alone for so long that making it legal wouldn't make that much of a difference. Unfortunately, I do still love him, so I've hung on, hoping for something, some glimmer of hope, instead of the pain I've been handed.

The day after DDay, he told me he was glad I was dead inside. I wasn't completely dead then, some part of me was still hanging on, but I'm pretty sure I'm dead now. I unblocked his cow and told him to call/text whatever her if he wanted. I cannot force him to want this marriage - either he does or he doesn't.

And the fact that he didn't check on me last night, when I was at my lowest, spoke volumes.

He asked if this was something IC helped me realize (that checking behind him doesn't help). I said no; I realized it last night when I was as close to the brink as I have ever been, and you could not be bothered.

So that's where we are today - back at square one, expect that I've finally figured out I cannot make myself feel safe in this marriage. Either he will step up, or he will not. All of the monitoring, blocking, checking in the world won't make any kind of a difference. If he wants to cheat again, he will. If he wants to kill me with a thousand cuts, he can.

I have to figure out what I'm going to do with that.

I was once an incredibly strong, vibrant woman. I don't know how I let myself get to this place. I don't intend to stay here long though; I don't much like the decor.


BS - Me, 39
WH - 44: 10 year EA with ex-fiancee OW#1 (no remorse)
2 year EA/PA with OW#2 (hates my anger and questioning)
13 years married; 16 years total
2 boys
DDay 4/10/11, NC broken 6/8/11
Status unknown

Posts: 323 | Registered: May 2011 | From: South
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Roses....as a very smart LTA-er once said....Sometimes you have to be willing to walk away from your M in order to save it. njgal was S and had filed or was ready to file for D before her FWH got his act together.

You know that you have "strong" in you...you've been there before and will be again. You do what you need to do to make it through one minute, one hour, one day at a time and before long you will remember what it's like to feel like you are the one doing things, not just reacting to things.

(((blueroses)))


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strong-
Yes, I did kick my FWH out of the house right after d-day and I had all the locks changed on the house and I started looking for lawyers a few weeks later.

I filed for divorce about 2 months after d-day and then I later withdrew the divorce complaint due to all of the work my FWH was doing and the extreme remorse he was showing.

I have read that same sentiment on SI in many different forms...
You may have to walk away from your marriage in order to save it.
and... sometimes the old marriage has to end for a new marriage to take its place.
Both of those things happened in my case.

I do feel like I have a brand new marriage-nothing of the old marriage routines remain.

whenever I read posts on SI where a BS writes that their WS is till not totally transparent with passwords, cell phones etc. Or... the WS continues to have contact with the OW/OM or continues to have Facebook friends of the opposite sex...or continues to have guys night out or girl's night out... or continues to look at porn etc.

I know that is not true reconciliation...

You can almost predict that the BS will be posting on SI in a few weeks or months that the affair had never ended or... there was more TT.

There is no chance for R without a truly remorseful FWS that is 100% comitted to doing anything and everything to save the marriage!

reconciling from any type of infidelity is extremely difficult...

reconciling after an LTA is even harder.

The WS has to be in it for the long haul. And has to be willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to the BS.

That means total transparency, NC with the OW/OM,IC, MC....even changing jobs if that's what the BS needs.

There are many on SI that have done all of those things and are now reconciled.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have a question here for our LTAers...

My husband was a functional alcoholic throughout our marriage- he held down a professional job etc. but it was an 'issue' for us.
During the LTA years he was extremely grouchy,angry, depressed,detached,and drinking every single day.

After d-day...after I kicked him out... he got sober, he went to AA...90 meetings in 90 days...

I just noticed that there are few BS that have mentioned alcohol as an issue.
M33- I wonder... do his angriest outbursts happen when he has been drinking?
could he stop drinking for a day or two or a week if you asked him?
if not... he could have a drinking problem and that may be something that needs to be addressed.

any other's that think their WS may have an alcohol/drug problem? that may or may not have contributed to the toxic thinking that allowed them to engage in a LTA?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJ

Meant to say thanks again for your numerous posts to all of us who are still relatively new. Each time you write I think of all the times old hands like you and miracle and dip and tryn (and many others) held me up.

And here you are again for Roses.

Roses

Listen to the old hands. They are so wise. They have seen it all. Yes you are truly in a shitty place now but IT WILL GET BETTER.

He has to CHOOSE. He MUST CHOOSE. So 180 him all day every day. ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Stay strong. Do not let little hints of concern for you trap you into attachment. WHS love to see that you still care while they continue to hurt you. Don't let him see that you care at all. Stay detached until he is 100% remorseful. Only complete remorse is acceptable - otherwise before you know it he will be back to blameshifting and gaslighting.

Really begin to plan a future without him. Imagine your wildest dreams for you and the kids. Plan as though it will happen. In LTA we get so stuck in the past and it doesn't help.

Sad as it is he will either choose you or not. You don't have to make decisions now. No need to consider D. S may be an option if he continues this awful behaviour. But you need to be prepared to make it permanent as NJ was.

In the first weeks after dday I was devastated and terrified of being alone. I was mourning the loss of an old age with a devoted partner at my side. It was killing me. But on the advice of the old hands I began to daydream and plan. I examined the "path of least regret". At first my "path of least regret" was using him. Just staying in my house and doing what I wanted when I wanted. Just living each day. After about 4 months it changed. I decided that if he cheated again or continued to be an arsehole I would move to France to live for a year or two. I looked at all the implications - financial, kids, relatives etc. Then I discussed this quite calmly with him one day. Told him that "If it didn't work out with us" this is what I would do. And by the time we had the conversation I meant it.

You need to reframe your worldview. Your old marriage is gone forever. You can never have it back - and to be honest most of us wouldn't want it anyway.

You need to plan to build a new marriage with your H or if he won't do what it takes then plan to start a new life for yourself.

So hard honey. So hard but truly the best thing for those of us hit by LTAs.

BIG HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJ

My FWH doesn't drink EVER.

No religious objections or anything like that. He's just not interested.

Before LTAs I would rarely have more than a dozen drinks a year. Now I can polish off 3/4 of a bottle of red a night. Bad I know but I will get it under control eventually. Him not drinking is great for me - I always have a driver

During the LTA years he was extremely grouchy,angry, depressed,detache

So was my FWH.But he didn't have drinking for an excuse. Don't know what his was. Entitlement I suspect. Always unhappy with everything about our lives even though compared to most we are SO incredibly blessed.

Just some thoughts

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Roses and Willow-
a good book for those that are dealing with a WS that is still in the fog-'
Love Must Be Tough by Dobson.
Its an older book , could even be in your local library. Dobson is a Christian author that is a big believer in marriage but in the book he addresses the unremorseful WS or the fence sitter who can't decide who he wants-the wife or the OW, he also addresses the WS that continues to stay in conatct with the OW/OM.
In all of those cases Dobson says that the WS needs to do the 180-they must use a tough love approach. The BS cannot beg or plead for the WS to saty or to choose the BS over the OW. The more you beg the less respect the WS has for you.
In fact, the more the BS clings the more the WS wants to pull away. Think of a rebelling teenager...that's what their thinking is like.
We (the BS and the children etc. ) represent reality-with all of the boring details and hard work...the LTA represents freedom and an escape from reality.
so...hanging on to the WS is not the correct psychology to use as per Dobson.
The book does use some religious quotes but over all the advice is universal.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

busy house...allgood, this must make you happy

i am glad laura, i think it was laura who reminded me about allgood's time in the running thing beating out the ow....its always nice to see when we are better then them in other depts aside from being good people...so yay allgood....


roses: take your time, heal thyself....180- his ass and take the time to do what you need to do for you, health wise and duck wise...

speaking of ducks, laura how are the fucking ducks in the grass??? inquiring minds want to know!!!

njgal, i agree your posts are always a tremndous source of comfort and hope....


honest: you is bein a bit on the quiet side...come here and vent..i know you gots some ventin in ya to do ....you need a dose of mad...


ats: your humor cracked me up as did

spontaneous rectal cranial expulsion


m3: i think you could compose a list of a marriage savers...instead of wording it in a negative light, try it in the positive light....

"mr m3 this is a list that will help us put our marriage in a good place....i have included my needs, my boundaries and a itty bitty wish list that includes romance ...i was told marriage is a verb, so verb me baby...verb me!!!

and mr m3...i strongly recommend that you verb me....cause i also heard this other thing...if the wife or momma aint happy so is no one else!!!

go on, i dare you...verb me"


strong: yay, your own checking account...its scary and its quite fulfilling to be doin things on your own, aint' it?!?!?


nell: evil twin....damn these evil foo...too bad we couldnt put them all together in a box car and let them have it with each other....your bil vs mine...who would outtalk the other, who would be the first to succomb to the violent urges....and then maybe we could put this boxcar onto a train goin to nowhere land...and let them spend an eternity tryin to outdo one another...

dip: i too checked out the lyrics..yup that word...the "fuck" word...has become a part of my daily vocab....i wonder if that means i can be a sailor???


hi ladies...

hi ukgirl....

and HI to everyone else...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nj - My FWH is also a functional alcoholic. He did AA for a while, stopped drinking completely, then restarted in moderation. Lo and behold, these past few years he has started drinking more and more. In the months before DDay I had mentioned to him several times that I was concerned about how much he was drinking. He would start out having a beer or two before dinner, wine with dinner then follow that up with a mixed drink. I honestly can't recall when the drinking started to get to be a problem then, if it was before, during or after he started seeing OW. It hardly matters though...it's a problem for him. I can see that, but I don't know that he does. Actually the workshop/retreat that I went to does a lot of work that coincides with 12-step programs. The staff screens everyone for all "medicators" i.e. alcohol, nicotine, spending, etc. FWH is there now so it will be interesting to see if he/they picked up on his tendence to drink to excess.

whenever I read posts on SI where a BS writes that their WS is till not totally transparent with passwords, cell phones etc. Or... the WS continues to have contact with the OW/OM or continues to have Facebook friends of the opposite sex...or continues to have guys night out or girl's night out... or continues to look at porn etc.
It's funny that you mention this....after FWH left last Friday I took a look at his laptop. He is rarely without it and keeps his e-mail account open all the time so messages are being downloaded every 10 min. during the day/night. This means that I can access his e-mail accounts (he has 3 that I know of; 2 for business, 1 for personal) but I will only see what hasn't been downloaded from the last send/receive session. In essence, I can't see e-mails unless he is away from his computer.

Back to my story - since he was going to be gone for the week and there is no wifi or telephones allowed, I took a look at his laptop. #1 - he had it password protected, but I have the password and was able to log on; #2 - internet browser history had been deleted for all but the last two days. #3 - nothing untoward in the e-mail coming in.

Maybe he usually locks his computer when he's going to be gone for awhile, but it still bothered me. Then to see the history deleted again made me anxious. It's probably nothing, but as njgal says I need 1000% transparency and I don't think I'm getting it. I can bring this all up when FWH gets home, but he'll have some perfectly reasonable explanation and I'll feel foolish. Until then, I'm going to enjoy the peace and quiet.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strong

It is actually possible to get the history back. I don't know how but a computer geek could do it I'm sure. I almost didn't post this because I was worried by what you'd find. But we NEED to know everything. While they get away with stuff they will think they can walk all over us.

This looks like it might be helpful.

Hope you don't find anything

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=411001

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
awakenedbytruth
♀ Member
Member # 29435
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks very much for the welcome, everyone. SI has saved me more than once in this last year and I'm glad to now dive into more specific issues gifted to us LTA's. As the year has progressed, I have gone from disbelief....to some hope to.....to really?

Laura - I think you are right here:

I truly believe that there are 2 stages to R.

1 The FWS has to "get it"

2 The FWS has to CHANGE

My H has been so self centered (and I allowed it) that he no doubt is sorry, but to REALLY get it and do the hard work to change? I don't know. For sure not at the pace I would like...so I hang on to see change over time.

So being new, I may not see patterns yet, but isn't a lot of LTA's centered around a wayward that is self centered? How could they pull it off otherwise? I swear I didn't even see the signs at first, only when he spent enough time with OW to create "feelings" did I start to realize something was amiss.

Anyway, I digress...need sleep but wanted to give a shout.

Blue - I want you to know I hear you...and not just in my ears. I feel stronger today in some ways than I probably could have without all of this mess, so hang in there.


“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” - Raymond Linquist
Me BS-39
Him WH-41
Married 18yrs 2 Kids 11-9
DDay#1-July 5, 2010 (LTA 2 Years with CoW in corporate office)
Separating - 8/11

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: West but my heart belongs to the South
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal
any other's that think their WS may have an alcohol/drug problem? that may or may not have contributed to the toxic thinking that allowed them to engage in a LTA?
Not the case here. He does drink, but not to excess. A beer before dinner, glass or two of wine, a lunchtime cider, a couple of pints if we’re out. Social drinking but rarely drunk – as in a couple of times a year. He gave the excuse for stepping over the line and fucking his xgf as
“A lethal combination of horrible low self-esteem, a deep sense of having failed in so much of my life…………. and a few drinks persuaded me that an affair would be a natural completion of the full set of being a loser.”
And I do see that as a pathetic trying to excuse what he did. Fact is, he made a choice to stay at a hotel just 3m from her house when her BH was away on business, so he could invite her over for dinner and, at the end of the meal, take her to his room and shag her. It was preplanned. Drink had fuck all to do with it.

During the LTA years he was extremely grouchy,angry, depressed,detached,
And that was because he was trying to make me hate him so that he could justify what he was doing. I didn’t and tried to make his life easier by taking the reins in every other aspect of his life apart from work and all that did was make him even worse because it magnified his betrayal. Which, in turn, made him want to be with MOW who didn’t make him feel that way. So, actually, it all became my fault!

Sheesh. Why did they make life so complicated? See, that’s what I don’t understand. Why he didn’t just LEAVE.

awakened:

but isn't a lot of LTA's centered around a wayward that is self centered?
Yes.

Hugs to those struggling today. Strive for what you deserve. (((((Tribe)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:08 AM, June 8th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi UK

Why he didn’t just LEAVE.

Have a suspicion you may also be struggling tonight.

BIG HUGS

Miracle

The FDs are fine. FWH seems to have gotten over that obsession and the pens are emptying. He now complains about how much time they take to care for. Amazing really considering that he spent every waking moment in the months after dday obsessing about them.

After the ducks he focussed on his sick nephew. I am currently his obsession I think. Wonder how long that will last

HUGS to all

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:52 AM, June 8th (Wednesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - yes, I like the chatter, I like it A LOT! Lol.
And, thanks for the congrats on the comparison of my time & OW's time (or lack thereof, lol).

Honest: yes, you seem to be absent a bit too much. Check in por favor.

Roses: have no expectations. Plan, take the path of least regreat, but, sadly, there are no magic answers here. Sometimes they never come around. That's the case with me. Just yesterday, I tried to reach my stbx 1 last time even though we have a written agreement already & he's supposed to be moving out in a matter of weeks. Regrettably, I gave in to my emotions & texted him that I was having a hard time letting go. The exchange of texts from there, where he basically just said "What do you want to do" and didn't respond to any of the texts I had sent regarding emotional stuff. LIke you, I had to actually ask if he got the texts. His basic response at that point was why do I bring this up when he's at work. At that point I told him "Feeling the love. Take care."
And stopped the contact.
If he wanted to pursue the conversation, he could've done so last night, but he didn't.

ANyway - point is- sometimes the WS was 1/2 out of the marriage a long time ago & is not feeling the same as the BS.

All I have time for or my son is going to school without socks.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why he didn’t just LEAVE

for the same reason he is still there...during the a its because he wants it all and sees nothing wrong with having it all, and after the fact its because he chooses you, whether or not he chooses you for the right reasons, i cannot say, but he is choosing his marriage...

lots of our ws's choose their marriage, but do not choose all that was needed to keep it....

hence most of the issues regarding reconcilliation...


laura: so no more fd's...i guess they served their purpose...he seems to need a "project" to assert his energies on, i get the sense that he is afraid to be alone with himself...needs distractions....although i think his being obsessed with you can definitely have a few perks...but do the perks outwiegh the downsides....


denial: i notice that with pfm there is so much denial....he has still yet to process losing ow#1....has yet to admit that there is a possibility that ow#1's son could be his...has yet to really face the rejection from his family....has yet to face so much....i guess its easier to live in a state of denial...i wish i could...there is that saying that ignorance is bliss...and its true....


drinking and whoring: this one is a negative...finally something i guess he did right, he whored stone cold sober...


letting go:

one of the hardest processes...methinks that once formally separated as in separate houses, this might be easier....something to look forward too...


awakened:

My H has been so self centered (and I allowed it) that he no doubt is sorry, but to REALLY get it and do the hard work to change?

self centered is a part of it, basically only thinking about his own needs...the sorry part...i think they are all on some level sorry...whether or not they have true remorse vs regret...that is something that their actions show....

whilst all remorse contains regret, not all regret contains remorse....

so the hard work to change...to become the man he ought to be, or rather the man you need him to be is something he would need to do for himself...changing just to please another never works, never lasts because of the why...its like a diet, if you lose the weight for someone else, it will never stay off, or even if you lose it to look good for a special occasion...the wrong reasons for doing something mean that the something you are trying to do won't last...

of course that does not apply to nonsense things, but to changing ones total perspective and their systems of morals, values and becomming people of true integrity....if one has true integrity, all of their actions, choices and decisions would be based on that...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

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