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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 25
Whisperingwillow
♀ Member
Member # 24550
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't had a chance to catch up with everyone's posts, but I am feeling so distraught and heartbroken I need to post in order to stop myself begging WS to stop the current EA which is about a year now (the first one was over 2 years, the first 5 months of which were PA). He did say he would stop, but he has said that so many times before, and he has broken his promises over and over. And he is still rationalising the EA - trying to make out its just like having a friend.

I had a great morning, doing a workshop, I felt good, strong and hopeful. But this afternoon and evening I seem to have no strength.
I am just so sad It is such a waste; all these years, 20, in a relationship just to have it thrown away.

I did notice the PISD book mentioned up thread. I am sure I bought that one, but I bought so many I didn't read them. Is it good even when all hope of R have died? I think I might still have it somewhere. Maybe I'll look it up. The whole forgiveness thing is difficult for me.

Sometimes my inner chatter rants about hating WS, but recently I having been realising that I don't want to hate him; somehow the OWs will have won if I hate him, because I will be bitter. I don't want to hate, I am not a hating kind of person. Really what I want is to love and be loved wholeheartedly - I don't see anything wrong in that.

Sadly there is still a bit of me that wants WS to do what would need to be done to R, but that hasn't happened yet, so is unlikely and if it does now, it will probably be too late.

I am sorry to be here posting in puddles of tears, maybe I'm having a pity party, but if I can post here maybe it will help me not say another word to WS tonight.


Me: BS 57 Him: WS 57 Child: DD 20
Multiple DDays/TT 28 April 2008 onwards. OW1 -PA 5 months, EA 2 years. OW 2 a prostate he paid to touch him PA. Then there was inappropriate friendship/flirtation with OW3. Current EA with OW 4 since 2010 whic

Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: London, England, UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whispering:

of course you want him to say all the right things and more then that you want him to mean them.....been there

and its hard because you want to believe, your heart wants to believe...your head and your heart are in conflict because you know he is aliar plain and simple, he is a liar....been there, am there....

and i am sorry and it SUCKS....its not fair and it sucks....

trying to listen to your heart though is torture, you slowly torturing yourself...believing the unbelievable equals torture...and please please for yourself listen to your head on this one....

he is showing you who he is, everytime he tells you he wants what he wants and cant stop he is showing you who he is....BELIEVE HIM WHEN HE SHOWS YOU!!!

believe the actions not the words....


(((whispering)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
blue_roses
♀ Member
Member # 32062
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Willow,

I don't *want* to hate my WH, either. But there are days, hours, moments where I do. For me, the trick to releasing it is allowing myself to feel it fully. He is the father of my children - children I thought I'd never be able to have - and my partner for the last 16 years. But he's also been a complete and utter ass. A lying, cheating, dysenteric amoeba on the pond scum stuck to the flea on a rat eating the shit in the sewer.

I love him and I hate him, both.

Since we're trying R, I'm trying to deal with both - somehow flatten the hate. I have mild (and my only) success by allowing it to just wash over and consume me for a while, then I get on with my day.

You won't be able to escape the anger and hatred for a while - it's normal and actually healthy self-protection, and it would not be good for you, in the long run, to suppress it.

If you feel he's moving/has already moved on, then you do so, as well. Read up on the 180, get your legal ducks in a row, start living your own life: one where you are the leading lady and not the sad BF with only 2 real lines in the whole movie. Your life is about you, you should be the star of it.

[This message edited by blue_roses at 5:33 PM, June 5th (Sunday)]


BS - Me, 39
WH - 44: 10 year EA with ex-fiancee OW#1 (no remorse)
2 year EA/PA with OW#2 (hates my anger and questioning)
13 years married; 16 years total
2 boys
DDay 4/10/11, NC broken 6/8/11
Status unknown

Posts: 323 | Registered: May 2011 | From: South
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

awww roses

But he's also been a complete and utter ass. A lying, cheating, dysenteric amoeba on the pond scum stuck to the flea on a rat eating the shit in the sewer

tell us how you really feel


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
blue_roses
♀ Member
Member # 32062
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh what, miracle, was I too obtuse?


BS - Me, 39
WH - 44: 10 year EA with ex-fiancee OW#1 (no remorse)
2 year EA/PA with OW#2 (hates my anger and questioning)
13 years married; 16 years total
2 boys
DDay 4/10/11, NC broken 6/8/11
Status unknown

Posts: 323 | Registered: May 2011 | From: South
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood- Forgiving a remorseful spouse is very difficult. It is something that I have to work on every day.All these years post d-day I still have my moments of shock and rage and sorrow about the LTA.
But, you're right...in your case... with an unremorseful spouse and no real closure yet..finding forgiveness is much, much harder. Acceptance may be the first goal.
In Ortman's book... he absolutely does not advocate quick and easy forgiveness...he describes all of the stages of PISD that the betrayed spouse goes through and the long healing process.... forgiveness comes at the very end of the process...and a big part of forgiveness is forgiving ourselves.
We the BS beat ourselves up all the time... that we should have known about the affair sooner, we should have reacted differently, we should never have married the WS to begin with!, we're not healing fast enough, we can't make a decision soon enough..etc. etc.
a lot of self blame...
so..its a process....

and all of us on LTA are at very different stages.
Those that are only a year or so post d-day are in a very different place than those that are many more years post d-day.
Same thing with the remorseful vs unremorseful WS.. we have a lot in common yet ... we do have different journeys that we are on.

Willow- My heart goes out to you. You sound like such a kind , compassionate person.
It's impossible to reconcile on your own. Your WH has to be 100% on board with reconciliation and the 1st step is NC with the OW...none...never again.
There are WS on SI that have quit their jobs, moved to another state...done whatever it takes to get far away form the AP.
IMHO it is way too early for you to even think about forgiving your husband! He is knowingly hurting you every single day!
I am sending you a pm.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Willow - sometimes it's easier to hate someone than to feel the loss. I have to admit, I rely upon that A LOT to get me through this. Anytime I start to feel sad, etc. I think about all the reasons I decided this had to end. That I may be periodically see glimpses of the man I married is not frequent enough to change my mind.

Yesterdays' downward spiral continued to the point where I actually asked him why he wasn't trying to have sex with me anymore. He said it's cuz I keep turning him down. I then tried to explain (this is all via text) that it's hard for me to see him just be over me - that the only thing left was his being interested in me for sex & now that's gone. Got no response to that text, so I let it go. Later that evening he initiated & I didn't stop. Ugh. I knew that would be the way he would take that text.
Anyhoo.
Havent talked about it since - I just texted him that I would like to set up a time for us to go somewhere we can talk, no kids, no interruptions, and hash out what we are going to say to the kids, what stuff he wants to take from the house & 1 last conversation about why this is all happening, which I feel I need to have closure. I really want the day he moves out to be the clearly defined end of this marriage so I can leave it behind.
So there. NOt proud of it - but there it is.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
blue_roses
♀ Member
Member # 32062
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((allgood))

Not proud of what? Trying to be a grown up? Or not proud of making a last attempt to reach your WH?

Either way, it smacks of grown up to me.

We cannot change them if they don't give a fuck. With all of our love, all of our history, all of our being - we cannot make them care. You've done everything you could. For whatever reason, he will not get on board.

That's not on you - that's on him. Leave it for him to own or not. You've done what's right; you've done more than enough. It's not your fault he can't see it.

[This message edited by blue_roses at 8:02 PM, June 5th (Sunday)]


BS - Me, 39
WH - 44: 10 year EA with ex-fiancee OW#1 (no remorse)
2 year EA/PA with OW#2 (hates my anger and questioning)
13 years married; 16 years total
2 boys
DDay 4/10/11, NC broken 6/8/11
Status unknown

Posts: 323 | Registered: May 2011 | From: South
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, FWIW, blue_roses, it sounds like Mr. Nogood gave a fuck...

Allgood -- there is no such thing as closure. It does not exist. You are now instructed to read everything in the Healing Library that is for WS's trying to keep NC with AP's. Or not, it's up to you. Might help though.

DP -- Hi!!! was thinking about you and happy to see the new job and forgot the antiversary posts.

tryn - happy birthday

miracle - glad the party wasn't as much of a cluster as it could have been.

ats - how come your WW disappears in the summer?

Njgal - that was a great article

willow -- the best thing when all hope of R has died is to read the part about acceptance in Janis Spring's How Can I Forgive You?

sorry about the cliffhanger tribe.
The IC...
It went well?
The M is totally screwed?
Both?
Dunno.
The upside: the ultimate purpose of the appointment was accomplished: WH's IC now knows WH has been very angry, medication has been adjusted, and, for the first time I can recall in 3 years, WH is going back next week

The downside: WH is so far from getting it that I think it is completely hopeless. Also, as I suspected he does misrepresent me and himself to his IC to some extent. Examples: (1) when I described the latest incident with The Pasha the IC gasped in horror and surprised and covered his face and mouth with his hands... just great. WH minimized how much this has happened, and flat-out denied my second example at which point I informed him I've been keeping a journal for the last year and a half (which is apparently not fair, I guess I'm not supposed to have any sort of proof of his bad behavior...)


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops! To continue: let me sum up the session:

IC: Your wife and I spoke on the phone but I don't know any more than you do about why she's here.
WH: This is an ambush. She doesn't need to be here. I was clear I didn't want her to come but she's just like her mother and if I didn't let her come she would punish me for it.
M3: WH I am worried about you. You are not OK. You have been very angry. I'm not the only person who has noticed this. X and Y pulled me aside too and you're also not sleeping well.
I would hope that if it the shoe was on the other foot you would insist on speaking to my doctor.
WH: This is not a big deal, it's not like me calling your doctor and saying M3 is cutting herself with razor blades
M3 (interrupting and looking at IC): For the record, I have NEVER cut myself with razor blades or anything else and WH has NEVER felt the need to call my doctor

So, then we talk about the anger problem and get some resolution...

But the whole thing was talking in circles, insult, deny, discredit, deflect, minimize, gaslight, etc. etc. It's like he wasn't even saying words -- big cartoon bubbles with "Rationalization" "Minimizing" "attack!" etc. could have just floated over him like a big bunch of balloons and that would have worked too.

I think the IC saw something, but not enough. IC does seem to have WH's # a bit though.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood:for you the path of least regret is not giving up til he is out the door....and that may be the only closure you will ever have...and it sucks...


m3:

pfm never told his counseler completely about his new friend...until of course he told me...up to that point pfm had minimized this relationship...

its what they do...when they either

1. dont want to face their choices
2. don't want to change their behavior
3. acknowledge their behavior
4. justify their behavior

someone, anyone really who does not want to admit wrongdoing will minimize, justify and plain out deny...and of course put their own spin on the truth

there is this saying that there are 3 sides to every story, his, hers and the truth...and when you have a compulsive liar his side will likely change many times over..

the point: he is not a healthy individual and for most of us with lacking spouses we have these expectations all set up in our minds of who they should be and it sucks when they dont meet them...and even when your expectations of who they are is accurate, it still hurts when the fantasy you have of the person doesnt come through...lets face it, most of us have 2 sets of expectations...the one where we admit who we are married too, and the other when its who we want them to be....and for most of us they are at opposite ends...

your ws is who he is, he is in ic as is pfm...but there are not enough changes to show growth and progress, not enough changes to show us what we need to see....and the biggest changes we need are in sofar non existant...that is because those changes arent just changes but needs that we now have...and they are just not meetin them...

and it sucks...


eta: m3 we was a cross posting...and not for nothing but the description:

"But the whole thing was talking in circles, insult, deny, discredit, deflect, minimize, gaslight, etc. etc. It's like he wasn't even saying words -- big cartoon bubbles with "Rationalization" "Minimizing" "attack!" etc. could have just floated over him like a big bunch of balloons and that would have worked too."


wow, could be pfm or any other member of his family...

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:21 PM, June 5th (Sunday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and I was going to say -- he discredited/insulted his doctor too. told him how he'd been talking to a doctor friend and IC's are only one step higher on the food chain than coroner's in the doctor heirarchy.... he treats this dude like he's a drug dealer.

But, it did make an impact/improvement etc. WH and I had some nice conversations about new different things this weekend, less tension, more fun, less meanness. He did "punish" me for going by pointing to some restaurant nearby when we left and saying that's where P started cheating on her husband... and the IC session had ZERO talk about infidelity. Jeesh. It was so weird too -- "That's where P started cheating on her H. They have good eggrolls." M3 -- "She was cheating on her husband with an eggroll?" because, really, what on earth do you say when baited like that? bizzare. maybe he wasn't even baiting me -- which would be even more bizzare...

anyway, to go full circle with the acceptance/forgiveness thing using that as an example -- how can you not be compassionate for that? I don't think you can R with that -- because unless that kind of thinking changes it's just a ticking time bomb -- but I can certainly see how a mess like this happens given the ingredients that were there (me included -- the A thrived in part because I did not desire emotional intimacy)

So, we'll see. I'm going to ask him to keep seeing IC for now, then MC when IC thinks he's ready. Maybe he'll say yes, maybe not. Dunno. Can't hurt to ask.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, miracle, when I was reading your crazy envelope story I felt like I was hanging out with my in-laws! Ha!

It was an hour well-spent. I also think it was important for his IC to see what I can't "just talk to him." But also he said I should "just talk to him" he can take it. Well, that's new. So, I will try that, why not?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
blue_roses
♀ Member
Member # 32062
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spent two hours on the phone with WH tonight. DId not go well. For some reason I had the idea of surprising him with phone sex (ha), only I asked him first if he'd had phone sex with her, which of course he had. In the first month between their first meeting and first hook up.

Put a damper on that.

She also preferred my favorite flowers, so he;s been sending them to her for the last two years while I got nothing. Told him I didn't want them ever again. The bracelet he bought for her is on eI would have liked, and he claims to have to idea.

It's like she was me, only older, uglier, and ever so willing to stroke his ego with her twelve-year old intellect. I'm sick now.

Called him a piece of shit over the phone. Lost the "good BS" filter completely.

He has one week to cut all contact with her (they still work together), or I'm done. I cannot do this anymore.

FT.


BS - Me, 39
WH - 44: 10 year EA with ex-fiancee OW#1 (no remorse)
2 year EA/PA with OW#2 (hates my anger and questioning)
13 years married; 16 years total
2 boys
DDay 4/10/11, NC broken 6/8/11
Status unknown

Posts: 323 | Registered: May 2011 | From: South
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Willow

What can I say? Your sitch is impossible. It is cruel and unacceptable.

When dday hit I did not know what to do. A little over a month later I found SI. I read everything in the healing library but 2 things really struck me.

1. Take care of yourself. Eat well, drink lots of water, get support wherever you can,SURVIVE.

2. You can't change them. Your WS has to change themselves. If they don't choose to change you can either stay in an abusive relationship or leave.

I am so fortunate my FWH has chosen to change. He is a totally new person. Occasionally he slips up, becomes cranky or self-centred, but these are rare occurrences. He is human so I forgive this. He was cranky and selfish all day every day for many years so a few slip ups a week are acceptable.

I took care of me. Lost weight, worked on my makeup, bought a new wardrobe, changed my hairstyle and colour (OW3 skank copied mine so that was crucial). I began to detach. I was preparing to leave. He said he was NC but I didn't really believe him.

All of this was me getting ready for a new life. I told him that if he cheated again or continued to be cranky I would be gone. I told him of my plans to go and live in France for a year. That I would use my share of the proceeds of the sale of our house to really live.

Don't get me wrong, I was a mess. Cried every day - sometimes for hours. Couldn't sleep. Had nightmares, meltdowns, couldn't think straight, my short term memory was stuffed. I used to throw up sometimes and even considered suicide. I had a heart attack. But like most on here I decided I was going to survive.

You need to not only survive but thrive. Please stop thinking about your WH and your relationship and focus on yourself

I felt good, strong and hopeful. But this afternoon and evening I seem to have no strength

Please keep focusing on you being strong and hopeful. Tryn would tell you there is a whole world out there waiting for you. If your WH will not change then you cannot R.

R will only work if he is 100%.

Please detach.

And he is still rationalising the EA - trying to make out its just like having a friend.

He can't do this to you. He just can't. How could someone who loves you cause you so much pain. Knowingly. He has continually not only broken NC but also started with other OWs ever since your first dday.

Please just forget about your relationship with him and really focus on you. Begin planning your new life in earnest.

I want to end it, I am waiting for two things; for DD to be settled at university, and for me to be strong enough to stop asking him to try and make it work just one more time

You can do it. You are strong enough. Don't leave it too long.

Now that I have "refound" me ( and with the help of EMDR) I know that if he cheats again or becomes an arsehole again I will be OK. I WILL leave. I have the strength.

Someone on SI said that in order to save your M you have to be willing to leave it.

For your own sanity I think you need to get to this point.

Miracle summed it up beautifully

he is showing you who he is, everytime he tells you he wants what he wants and cant stop he is showing you who he is....BELIEVE HIM WHEN HE SHOWS YOU!!!

believe the actions not the words....


HUGS

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:49 AM, June 6th (Monday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood

Later that evening he initiated & I didn't stop.

Good for you. Take what you need. At this point you have nothing to lose. Stay strong honey but do what you need to do to survive.

Blue

He has one week to cut all contact with her (they still work together), or I'm done. I cannot do this anymore.

Stay strong honey. My FWH still works with OW2 and OW3. Unavoidable (complicated). I know how hard it is. But my FWH is doing everything right including changing shifts so he is not on with them.

M33

Sorry honey. I have no words for you. Just big HUGS

LOve to all

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 5:11 AM, June 6th (Monday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle

laura: i am curious,... what do you feel when you have all those thoughts...and do you feel like you are losing feelings for your fws?

when you have all those thoughts. Nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! I know that sounds weird but that's how it is. I can imagine him doing all sorts of sexual stuff with his OWs and even telling them he loves him and I feel nothing. Like watching actors on TV. No personal feelings at all. Totally weird, unbelievable, I know. But that's what it is.

do you feel like you are losing feelings for your fws

I don't think so but I'm not sure. EMDR is for me. Not for our relationship. Not for him. He put his own selfish desires before me for 16+ yrs. I decided I didn't have 16 yrs to get over this. I had to save myself. That's why I went for EMDR. I had nothing to lose. I was dying inside. The pain and anger were killing me. I had to get rid of them for ME. If I lose feelings for him then so be it. Maybe that's the price he has to pay for his LTAs.

Now if he gets cranky, rejects me sexually or is not affectionate I get hurt. Because it is now about the NOW. Not about the past. EMDR has helped me take the emotions out of the past.

Can't explain it. The people who do it don't know why it works. All I care about is that it works for me. I sometimes wonder if it's something like the brain washing they used to talk about in those old spy movies.

I don't know.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:51 AM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe just wanted share.
About a month or so after Dday I had a dream of WW crossing the road walking away from me saying final goodbyes.Thats when i woke up. It really frightened me as it was so vivid , so real to me as I rarely remember my dreams.
Saturday nite I awoke from another dream this time WW was asleep with her head on my chest she woke up & kissed me.
Dont ask me it just might have been the spicy BBQ sauce I had with my grilled lamb ribs but to me its just plan weird. Anyway just needed to share.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Dp

Cam't chat. Just wanted to say I heard you.

My butterflies, EMDR, your dreams, yes - there are weird things.

Hugs

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.. That love of touch is about as powerful as it comes to everyone. To fall out of love, it does become a NC type thing IMO. And Blue_Roses did hit it the nail on the head. You can only control what you do, not your H. When you do talk, can he be a man that will live a life married, not single? Can you forgive and not keep records of wrongs? And can you both follow that list I post to how successful people live in a marriage? You are so young, you both can give it one more shot. All weekend folks were telling me, 50 is the new 30! You are only 40 so that makes you in the 20ís! You can make good boundaries to protect yourself. One slip up, you enforce the boundaries. You can attend Retro, he might just do it now. Itís hard to R, Itís hard to D. Life is not always easy is it? Or you can view this as you taking care of a basic need in life, the love of touch. We all need it. Good luck and what happened what only one day event.

M3.. I am thinking about you.

LauraÖ I hope one day you can feel and think like me. Life is not always fair. People are not always loving and loyal. It is ok to hurt and feel. I just happen to be loving someone that WAS that person not loyal but changed, and is loyal now. I am not afraid of my future no matter what may come. I will never again accept any behaviors from myself or my W that are unhealthy.

DP.. Too me, dreams like that are "longings". Heck, I had a dream once where Bigfoot was about to take my Wife. I was sleeping in the dream and decided to yell and scare the beast. So, As loud as I could I jumped up a screamed. Scared the shit out of my Wife... We still get a huge laugh out of that one!

Anyways, I hope have a good day. Peace.


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