Infidelity can certainly be a deal breaker, but in your case, it has sounded much like infidelity with an unrepentant WS. I think that is really a deal breaker for most anyone.
You cannot R alone, and you do not want to R with the same person who betrayed you.
We are all here allgood, we's just spying on ya.
I've been avoiding the LTA thread in ICR because, well, I'm kind of compulsive about reading, and reading 24 parts before joining just seemed a tad unrealistic. So I'm going waaay out of my comfort zone and just posting *without* having read the history. I hope that's okay.
So, can any LTA BS join the club, or is there a secret handshake I need to learn?
Hey, ats, thanks. I know when I interviewed the MC and she said she couldn't help us that was very discouraging. My pdoc IC as well -- his "has he done?" list that I said no to everything ...
It's not that there's a magic formula -- except that there kind of is a magic formula. KWIM?
So, blueroses, welcome, and what can we do to help?
Unfortunately, I have no idea what anyone can do to help right now. I think I'm just trying to find a place where I fit, having just had my world exploded, and it seems that a group of other people who've learned that a good portion of their marriages were a lie is the treehouse for me.
Still in shock, really. Coping, with meds. WH has gone NC and transparent, is reading (books and here), working through IC, dealing with the fallout - being the husband he should have been all along, but wasn't. I'm angry most of the time, and feeling HB tendencies.
That's very long-winded for "I don't know," eh?
I got a nice compliment from a friend -- one that you can hold onto too when you're having a tough time -- she said, "well, no matter what ultimately happens, you're going to be incredibly strong after this and nothing in life will ever throw you for a loop again."
We all start off here very low, but emerge as our kevlar-winged butterfly selves.
How does he explain why his relationship with this woman is more important than your feelings?
[This message edited by njgal480 at 8:21 PM, June 1st (Wednesday)]
I realize now using the Chapman analogy- he was re-filling that love tank that he had drained completely.
I wonder if Tryin could do one of his beautiful graphic designs to illustrate this...
I think his wife did the same thing...she worked until the positive actions outweighed the negative memories....
It takes a long time to get to this point but it is possible.
Just some thoughts.
welcome to the newbies to our little corner of SI.
Sorry that you have to be here though.
Hope we can help.
So, what am I going to do? Good question. Get WH rewired, is all I can come up with.
Okay, speaking of WH... his twat-hauler is back at the garage, so I have to toss the Boyos in my car and pick him up from work. Nell out.
Welcome to the newbies. I'm so, so sorry that you had to find such a place, but rest assured you are with others who care about you.
I have not been able to read each and every post but just few comments....
ats - You've read "Co-Dependent No More" haven't you? It is an excellent book for those of us with co-dependent tendencies. I describe myself as the poster child for this condition! There were so many things that I was doing that I didn't even see were co-dependent and this book opened my eyes. I'm especially glad that I read it before the you-know-what hit the fan this past week.
As for the infidelity vs. lack of remorse being the deal-breaker...I have to say that it's really both for me. Although maybe if I saw some continued, truely sincere remorse I would feel differently. Alas, since I haven't been able to experience having a fully remorseful FWH there's little chance of me just getting over the infidelity.
Okay, does anyone else notice that every single time I say anything positive about WH's steps, it comes IMMEDIATELY after one of my breakdowns?!?! Does that scream "Emotional Manipulation" to anyone except me?
I am beat down. I told FWH last week that when he seemed to "get it" that I would watching to see if it would "stick." Less than one week later he is back on the defensive and blaming me for this mess. He again talked about how he was "right" when he made the decision to sleep with OW without protection. He, and I, didn't get an STD, so as long as he was "right" I should be okay with that.
He feels like our entire M has been all about me. He started spouting off a list of things he had done for me and conveniently forgot about the times that I have supported him. I didn't realize that we were in a contest. I would have kept better notes.
Even if FWH was to do a complete turn-around at this point, I don't think that I could ever really trust him again. Not necessarily that he would cheat on me, but rather that he is not honest with me about his feelings. He complains about things from 20 years ago that he says he did for me and wonders why I won't give him a chance? I told him that on the basis of our first 22 years together I have been to IC/MC for the past 11 months with little to show for it. He maintains that he has done everything I told/asked him to do and now I'm just being self-centered and egotistical.
He leaves on Friday to go to Onsite and will be out of touch for the week. Frankly, it will be a relief for me.
1st off - sounds like your kids are ok. That's great.
I wanted to comment, tho, because so many things in your post resonate with me.
He told me on Monday and again yesterday that he is angry with ME because it is my fault/decision to tell our boys about the LTA
I got this too from stbx - when I decided to tell his sister, because I'm close with her & I suspected that she knew something was going on with the 2 of us anyway. No, I didn't have to tell her the LTA part & I tried not to, but, you know - people want to know why a marriage splits up, especially when it looks like a pretty good marriage from all appearances. I felt really relieved to have told her as I have only a few people irl who know about this. But, he immediately turned it on me too - that if her kids overhear her discussing it with her H - then our kids will know (they are very close), etc.
It's so frustrating. I tried to explain that my inability to take HIS secret to my grave and my need for a little emotional support in managing the aftermath of what HE caused doesn't make it my fault.
He doesn't get it either. You know why? They're selfish. This is the way they see everything.
It really is remarkable that people with such little ability to control their impulses expect such an unbelievably high level of restraint from us in managing the destruction they caused.
He, and I, didn't get an STD, so as long as he was "right" I should be okay with that
OMG - almost word for word.
i am sure the relief you feel is somewhat surprising and overdue....i think once your dd knows too you will find some peace in not having to keep the secret...
ok...strong and allgood: selfishness really has nothing to do with both of these men not wanting people to know...its called not wanting to face what they have done in yet more faces....strong when i was reading your post about ur ws the thought of a dog in fear popped in my head...they love you, but if afraid will not think twice about biting you and both of your ws's are reacting out of fear...
who really wants the world or anyone to know something that they did that was so hurtful to another, and to their kids and ultimately a really stupid thing to do...not an easy task for healthy people let alone people who are not healthy...and lets face it, not too many of our ws's are healthy..certainly not the ones who show true remorse....
welcome blue roses....and reading all 24 parts would be quite an undertaking...some of us or i should say most of us have not been here that long....some of us are here longer then others....some of us are in successful reconcilliation (not me), some of us are in active reconcilliation (not me) and some of us will divorce when possible (yes me)....
lta= long term recovery,so keep that in mind on your journey.....
so welcome, i hate that you are here but glad you found us....and whenver you are ready jump on in and tell us what we can do or just share the latest in your story...i read your profile, you are a newbie so your wounds are raw...so please take the time to read the healing library if you have not already done so.....i am sorry for your pain, and remember you are not alone, and you are not crazy, we go through lots of shit in this damned journey....
and i am happy for you that since finally establishing what he wants he seems to be doing right by you...and yes it would have been so much better if there was no tt....
Miracle: Thank you so much for everything. I'll have to write another post, because I didn't take notes from the previous page!!
Blue Roses: Welcome to LTA. You do not have to read all 24 threads!!! You don't even have to read all of this thread. Don't worry about keeping up with us, you are still new and raw. Just post and vent and we'll get to know each other.
M3: I agree with the others that it is not entirely the A, but what comes later: the TT, the blameshifting, the gaslighting, the lying, etc. that really destroys the marriage and our self esteem. I guess that's what they mean that you can R with a remorseful spouse, but not one who is still hurting you with all that crap.
Strongish: Don't listen to WH anymore. He is lashing out at you and trying to blameshift, again. I'm glad that you told your children. Now your WH needs to put on his big boy pants and face the consequences. He says the entire marriage was about you? So you decided to have the A with OW? You just tell him, that the S is all about you.
NJgal: WH was talking about coming next week. Now he is at me again about me coming there with the kids. I told him no, but he's pestering me. Pain in the ass. He was talking about fixing the pool finally, it's actually a danger zone right now, but I don't trust him at all anymore. He has lied about everything.
God, DS 16 is soooo smart. We were talking about cars and he said that he was not counting on his father helping him out to buy a car when the time comes. DS says that "dad will find a loophole somehow to not to do it"
OMG!! That is WH to a "tee"!!
Kids are much sharper than we give them credit for.
Nell: It seems your WH is so out of it he needs a smack on the head to wake him up to see what is going on under his nose! He is probably one of those people that thinks everything is ok until someone yells and complains loudly that something is wrong. He is in his own little world and reacts enough to "fix it" temporarily, not realizing that is not the way to do it. Just putting up some spackle will not stop the leak, you need to go to the source of the problem and he probably does not know how.
Hi Dip! I actually BBQed myself this weekend. Just hamburgers and hotdogs, though. Luckily the grill didn't go on fire. When I went to the store the other day, I saw a "grill wok" and thought of you and how you like to grill everything.
Tryn: I printed that last chart that you posted. It was very good.
Willow: I hope you keep posting and venting. There are a lot of great people here to help you.
Thought I would post this for a laugh. This is the new dog we adopted from the shelter. He must think he's a cat or a bird. Gives a new definition to "Mighty Dog"
(He got up there by pushing out the screen on a window on the side of the house)
ETA: Don't know how to make the pic bigger.
[This message edited by honesttoafault at 11:33 PM, June 1st (Wednesday)]
Still fighting those gators. Tough little SOBs. Read when I can and think of you always.
Welcome newbies. You will find support, comfort and help here.
love to all