Look, putting aside the personal pain I feel from being betrayed, I never worried too much about infidelity because you can't control another person's behavior and, ultimately you're either available or you're not. Perhaps you can take a couple of pages here and there and Cobble together something useful. Tryns calm boundary statements, strong's masterful detachment... I will not be married to a man who has close friendships with other women.
Dunno. I guess it's probably more helpful to just hug you. It comes down at the end of the day to what a person truly wants most, and sometimes we fool ourselves about that. And I think what I see here is this: Pfm insists he wants the marriage - and I truly believe that he does - the only problem is, he appears to want the marriage he had, where you're faithful and he's available. Now, whether or not that is how he feels or what he wants, that's how the words and actions he chooses add up when you put them together. Just a whole lot of I'm sorry I got caught, now quit yor fussing, pretend you didn't catch me and do my f'ing laundry while you're at it. Ummm...no thanks.
Hi new folks! Keep coming back. There are many man cards in my house so things were grilled today.
The Pasha (4 year old DS) had a raging temper tantrum today and WH and I did pretty well handling it. So good job us.
Strong - I know this is going to sound weird, but could you detach with compassion? Your son knows now, so you don't have to fake it anymore. I don't know, I've been told I have a sense of empathy that is really overdeveloped, but what I see in your situation is that you husband was playing the infidelity game like so many pilots do and I think if you add the culture to the fact that they are no where near home, it's not their "real" life... I think he's in shock that he's going to lose his REAL life over this. You see? Just something like, look, I do see that you want to save our marriage and that it upsets you very much that we are separating, unfortunately infidelity is a deal breaker for me and no amount of MC or IC is going to change that, so it's time to move on.
Not all things that have been broken can or should be fixed.
Ugh. I'm sure I've forgotten people, but I 've got to get back to sleep. Baby monitor woke me up, but it was the neighbor's daughter, not mine. We're all stuck using the same monitor channel due to interference from the airport, etc. Hey - here's an idea!- your kid is THREE AND A HALF TURN OFF THE MONITOR ALREADY. Otherwise I am effectively living in Australia with Laura. What time is it there anyway? Tuesday?
You know that crazy, just fell in love feeling? The one the foggy WS's are moping about? The one "they" say fades with time and is replaced by mature love?
That's how I feel about WH. It's never faded
Iwant.. I am sorry you are so down. It's about time for you to seek happiness. Go for it. Your kids will be fine. You know how to handle it with them.
[This message edited by trynhard at 5:38 AM, May 22nd (Sunday)]
I see in your situation is that you husband was playing the infidelity game like so many pilots do and I think if you add the culture to the fact that they are no where near home, it's not their "real" life... I think he's in shock that he's going to lose his REAL life over this.
It's a relief that my DS17 knows about his dad's A. He is nervous about seeing FWH this afternoon so DS and I are going to talk about that some before FWH gets home from his trip.
Empathy.....I feel sorry for FWH. His world is crashing down around him and he's so confused as to why. He just doesn't see that what he did was so bad to have caused all this. So sad...so sad.
strong: if you already havent i think you might want to give your ws a heads up....if he has a bit of time to prepare what he will say hopefully he will be able to come up with answers for your son that wont hurt as much.....when an animal is cornered and wounded they tend to lash out and the last thing your son needs is to be lashed out at.....kwim
i think the compassion you have for your ws is commendable....i have zero....and then again my ws was an abusive man for so long i really feel he needs to feel it...not even to heal it anymore because i dont know that thats possible for him anymore to heal himself, but i believe he needs to feel all of what he's done.....and with that hopefully he may someday understand the correlation between action = consequence...kind of a dont do the crime if you cant do the time....
tryn: i love that your kids are standing up for you and your wife when you renew your vows....totally awesome and quite spiritual.....it will be such a warm, loving moment for your family...
m3: yay, on handling the temper tantrum together....
off to the gym i go now, hi ho, hi ho....
Pfm insists he wants the marriage - and I truly believe that he does - the only problem is, he appears to want the marriage he had, where you're faithful and he's available. Now, whether or not that is how he feels or what he wants, that's how the words and actions he chooses add up when you put them together
Very well said, M3. It really gave me an "aha" moment for a lot of WS's who aren't doing the work. They don't realize what really needs to be done now. WOW. You know, I also think a lot of WS's who "don't get it" may not be feeling that they will be "available" any more, but they want the securtiy of the "old" marriage.
Strong: It's good that now your DS knows, and I think your approach of talking to him before WH comes home is a good one. I agree with M3 about separating with compassion. One can still detach and yet be kind.
Tryn- what wonderful news that your kids will be your best man and MOH. You are not only recommtting to the M, but also the family.
Miracle; Just sending you hugs. Try to hang in there. You can make it to the graduation and will survive the sweet sixteen. Keep venting and posting here.
Hugs to the tribe.
Dp - I can't believe I forgot to congratulate you on your job! Excellent!
I'm giving Baby Paddy a bath right now - hey! All my emoticons are gone now too! Crazy
Miracle: Just a big hug. And I'm ready for a girl's night too!
Honest: big hug for you too.
Strongish: how are you? And, I agree with Miracle - a heads up is the right thing to do. It's not protecting your H (tho indirectly it is), it's just to make sure that nothing horrific is said to your child for lack of preparation/shock, etc.
How is everyone else? We had a bunch of people that were kinda in flux - Fun, Nell - how are you doing?
Ok, that's enough, I suppose.
Back to laundry.
I was really good, I didn't flip out. I listened for almost 2 hours. Afterwards, he got up from the table, took a shower and came back downstairs with a big smile on his face and told me he is so glad he "has me."
I'm not sure what to make of this.
and honestly i am a bit jealous...how sick is that....i have so many unanswered questions that will most likely never be answered...even though i want divorce i still want the puzzle pieces of life back together...
take it for what it is for now.....and bless you for being able to stay quiet....another thing i am jealous of....it is so hard not to bite when they speak...
strong: i hope it went as well as it possibly could have tonite with your ws and your ds...sending you lots of strength...
girls nite out can be very regenerating.....go for it...
honest: i dont know about you but i am starting to be amazed at just how many aha moments i have had...they seem to be never ending....you would think i would done....but i guess since we have so much in time, energy and love spent here there is just so much we can process at a time to have those aha moments...and they are so enlightening too arent they....
manchild was back to fighting again...and of course its always the mother who is at fault...
oh and the best part was after this war of words with manchild....i looked at pfm and asked him if he actually "saw" the circles the kid talks in, and the way he fights...that he makes no sense......he said "yes"....and i calmly told him..."well that is you, that is how you fought me the other nite, that is how you always get, but yet youcould "see" that manchild was way wrong here"..him: "yes"...
i would love to stow away on dd luggage, she leaves for france in 4days....
Great news. My dog is OK at present. Vet came and saw him and said he thought he had had a stroke. He seemed happy - no evidence of pain, wagging his tail and wanting his food - he just couldn't walk. Suggested we wait a day or two to see how he went. He said sometimes they actually recover quite well. Unbelievably, he has recovered and is now walking normally. It took about 48 hrs but all is fine. I'm so happy. I really am not ready to lose him yet.
DS did not ask for details
My kids din't either but I told them all of it. It was hard but I think the right thing to do. I needed them to understand why I had changed my will and given them power of attorney.
To some extent, this is a relief for me.
Yes I think this is true. Hiding what you are feeling is so hard. I'm glad my kids know. They never had a great relationship with their father and if anything it may be a little better now. It certainly is no worse. They also told him that if he wants to leave me that is OK but if he cheats again they will cut him off. They also told him that no one will ever replace me. That if he leaves and starts another relationship they will continue as at present with him but will not accept a new woman. They really do see the injustice of infidelity. I think they are trying to keep him honest!!!
I feel sorry for FWH. His world is crashing down around him and he's so confused as to why. He just doesn't see that what he did was so bad to have caused all this. So sad...so sad..
I feel the same way. Lately he has seemed even more remorseful. Has told me he loves me and how sorry he is without any apparent reason - has just come out with it!!! I think it is really hitting him now. I think he thought he was remorseful before but now he REALLY is and really FEELS it - he realises what damage he has done to our relationship.
My husband did speak to the kids and addressed the LTA and expressed his remorse and apologized to them for hurting me
My FWH has not done this. I hope one day he does. It would actually be good for him. But I won't suggest it.It has to come from him.
Thinking of you strong.
Hi and welcome. I have read your story and my heart goes out to you. There are so many sad and painful stories on SI - they are all different but they are each OUR OWN story and for each of us they are devastating.
Firstly I admire you so much. To be able to say that you "love" your H after what he has done is amazing. I suppose in a sense it is because most of his women were just "holes" (pardon the language) but that is what they were. In some ways that is good- they meant nothing to him. The last though is obviously harder. I sense this in your story. he criticizes her and yet I think perhaps you think he had both a PA and EA with her? I know that my FWH's relationship with OW2 (8yrs EA and 6yrs PA) ended up just being "about the sex" for him (but she told me she was "in love" with him. OW3 really irks me but fortunately the karma bus has hit her big time . He "lurrved" her and she wanted him to leave me for her. But he didn't
So. Welcome again. You are obviously a strong lady. Kudos to you. Please keep coming back. The "tribe" always has room for more and we'd love to know more of your story
He was telling me that he's not with OW & I shouldn't make assumptions about why he's looking for an apt there and then he says.......
"I would not free myself of 1 relationship & jump into another."
Oh dear. How dumb. What a dipshit! Fucktard! How did he ever snare a great gal like you. Honey I love your attitude. You are being so strong but I know you are hurting so much. What can we do for you? You post and ask about us but say little about how you are. I think I like seeing the anger in you. It will help you get through this. The anger can overwhelm the pain and make it bearable. If that's what you need to get through stay angry and vent here whenever you feel like it. Lash out if that helps. I hope you have a punching bag at home.
Think of you often honey. Take care of yourself
Hi honey. Don't you think enough is enough. I hate that you have to live with pfm. His "stupid" is just so unbearable. Your courage in staying until manchild graduates is wonderful but PLEASE promise to leave then.
Until then maybe you need to get totally detached. Like NO conversation at all. If the kids ask just say you are cranky with pfm and don't want to talk about it or to him. It is probably time to get them ready for the news anyway. If they now KNOW you are really cranky with him they will not be so shocked when you tell them. KWIM???
I was going for the record for most posts in a row but have run out of steam.
I have been reading and lurking but wanted to wait until I was sure my dog was OK before I posted.
Thank you to all for your kind wishes. Fun I love having my boy with yours in the collage!!!! Although we didn't have to have him put to sleep after al, Sat was a really hard day. Perhaps worrying about him took my mind off the anniversary of mum's death but it was still very hard.
FWH was great. Very attentive all day and took me out to dinner that night.
I have decided that he really is remorseful and intends to be faithful forever. It's an odd feeling. I think I may actually trust him now. How strange! He has good intentions but I know he is a weak SOB and perhaps will fail in future. But that's life. I have decided to try really hard to trust him. I will probably continue to use my tech toys from time to time but I won't be obsessive about it. I will trust him but will leave him without a single tear if he does it again.
It was his birthday on Thurs and I was really worried his OWs would break contact. Of course OW3 - THE BITCH!!!!- did. She was at work and asked him why he was working (on his birthday). He told me he said "Because I was rostered on" and walked away. I like that!!!
I had the VAR running that night (I had to go away) and there was nothing suspicious.
So what now? I don't intend to leave here for "Reconciliation" or anywhere else. This is my home. I DO know that SI and esp LTA has saved my sanity. I so want to hug you all IRL.
Next Sat (28th) is my antiversary. I am seeing my EMDR therapist that day. I have a feeling that my attitude today is partly because of the work she has done with me.
I didn't describe the last session in detail but want to for the benefit of those who are interested. Essentially we focused on the feeling which has overwhelmed me since dday. I kept asking him and myself "Why wasn't I enough?" I was a great wife and mother. I worked outside the home (and in it) and on the farm for 33 yrs. "What more could he have wanted from me?" These were the questions that plagued and haunted me. They were destroying my self esteem, destroying my sense of who I am. Making me question my value in every possible way. Why when I tried so hard could he do this to me? Was it because I wasn't good enough? After my session I was convinced that I WAS good enough. I know everyone on here says that it is the WS who is broken but I couldn't really convince myself that this was true. I kept trying to work out what more I could have done to make him love me enough to be faithful.
Now, with her help, I know there was nothing I could have done. It really wasn't about me. I could have been the PERFECT wife and I mean PERFECT and he would still have cheated because it really was about him and his need for approval and attention and ego stroking and all the other crap that weak people crave. I have always been the strong one. He has always leant on me but has never "been there" when I needed him. Because he was selfish.
Now he seems to have changed. Really changed. He really does seem to care about me. He seems to sense when I need him to be attentive and he makes decisions that are best for me.
And I have changed too. I don't always put him first. I put me first when I need to. He can help me or not. If he chooses not to be there for me too often I will leave. I will not stay with someone who does not love me 100%. I think he does at present and I will live in the present. It may change.
Tryn - you are right!!!
I will be happy. I will not let his infidelity define my life. I will still cry at times (and maybe even throw things and swear occasionally) but at present I am RECONCILED with my husband.
Thanks so much tribe.
[This message edited by Laura28 at 2:39 AM, May 23rd (Monday)]
Laura: Glad your dog is well. What a relief! And, you sound great! OW3 is really starting to piss me off. I'm sure you must feel pretty confident that he has no interest in her whatsoever. Very very, happy for you.
As for me, Laura, I have plenty, PLENTY of anger. Not a problem. Lol. Not as angry as I used to be, that's for sure. I don't have much to vent about except when stbx says/does something I find to be so outrageous that I need a reality check to make sure my reaction is appropriate.
Other than that, this is really just the dissolution of a marriage at this point. I'm very much looking forward to coming out of the closet & telling everyone we're split & moving on with my life. But, most of my energy is spent worrying/preparing/dreading talking to my kids about it. I pretty much avoid stbx when we are home & we have minimal contact with each other when 1 of us is away from home.
I feel pretty good at the moment, tho I know when he moves out, I will backslide.
Checking in as requested. I'm still tired from the working my ass off this weekend (inside and outside the house). Looking forward to going to work today so that I can dress up and sit quietly.
Speaking of which, I did some retail therapy at the shoe store on Friday, but got a splinter in my toe yesterday so can't wear them. Boo.
I have more to say, but no time to say it. Hugs all around.
My renewal of vows yesterday was very special. It was a simple ceremony with just me and my wife with my son and daughter watching on. Only my W’s mom, a couple of her close friends, my best friend knew about our renewals. I didn’t want my w to have any bad feelings about it so I kept it quiet.
This is what was said….
Lord God and Creator, we bless and praise your name. In the beginning you made man and woman, so that they might enter a communion of life and love. You likewise blessed the union of “D”with “T”, so that they might reflect the union of Christ with his Church, look with kindness on them today. Amid the joys and struggles of their life you have preserved the union between them; renew their marriage covenant, increase your love in them, and strengthen their bond of peace, so that “Son” and “daughter”, they may always rejoice in the gift of your blessing. We ask this through Christ our Lord. R. Amen.
We had a very nice lunch and day. But this morning, one of best friends, who lives a few homes behind us, post on FB a picture. That is my house! No kidding. He took it yesterday.
God has sent me so many messages throughout that has helped me overcome this pain. I can honestly say today, a peace has overtaken my soul. Ask and you shall receive.
So, I know I always preach the same ole stuff, but I reflect on what I did, where I was, what I did to get my happiness back.
How do I feel today? I like me. I like my relationship with my W. I can now overcome fears and tell my wife my feelings with expectations she will try and make my feeling good feelings. I don’t fear things out of my control. I can think about what has happened to me in life and remember. The remembering does still hurts, but I accept it and I let myself cry, if I want to. I can dwell on this painful past but I choose not to. I can shift my mind to think about what is happening now, today and say to myself, it’s Ok. I am not longer innocent. Hurtful things can and will happen to me. I am ready for what life brings me I am willing to make huge changes to protect my own happiness. I make the choice to forgive my wife and will never make her feel bad about what she has done to me. This is my choice. I try hard to count the blessing that I have and try hard to have compassion for others. This is me.
As I look back 31 months ago at my life, how did I get here today? It is so hard to place is just a post. The descriptions in bullets never do justice to the real work it takes.
Living through the feelings of Shock and hurt (First 3 - 4 months)
- I believed that someone who I made a commitment to marry, deserved a second chance.
- My wife wanted the marriage, and changed.
- Having a friend to listen
- Reading books about infidelity, love, relationships, forgiveness, etc
- Writing and Art
- Running and lifting weights
- A doctor giving me anti-depressants
- A professional counselor
Living through and surviving the feelings of anger (Next 6 months)
- Having but overcoming these intense feelings and they did not ruin my life
- A friend to talk to and listen
- The discovery of the SI website to share my experience. Knowing, I am not alone.
- My faith in God.
- My wife’s ability to handle and take my anger toward her, yet still decided to love me and want the marriage.
Working on my marriage relationship, accepting the betrayal of someone you loved and achieving happiness again. (The next 22 months and ONGOING FOREVER)
- Understanding and accepting that everyone in life goes through pain, endings, things that do not go according to plan, and most of all, people are not always loving or loyal.
- Learning what it means to truly forgiveness and executing forgiveness.
- Attended Retrouvaille and Learned how to communicate in a non-controlling way, learned new relationship skills and how to handle conflict. A communication method that is intimate by only sharing feelings.
- Learning and having new boundaries in my own life.
I will not accept any undesirable behavior without sharing how that makes me feel. * Understand each desirable! Then making every effort to be desirable.
- Overcoming the fear of change in my future. It is my choice to decide the consequences for any undesirable choice or decision made anyone I have a relationship with. I will not be afraid to sacrifice short term happiness for a long term peace.
Anyways, I hope you all peace today!
[This message edited by trynhard at 8:10 AM, May 23rd (Monday)]
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
[This message edited by trynhard at 8:30 AM, May 23rd (Monday)]