There is a thread over in General (page 2 or 3 now?) posted by forgivenotforget that you might find helpful. fnf is one of the "oldtimers" of LTA, and many of her generation and earlier have responded. I found it interesting reading.
We discussed this whole thing in MC the other night and the MC was perplexed as to why she would hide something and explained to her that I'm going to have to start over on the trust issues again. She doesn't seem to understand why and when I told her that if she was willing to lie for something this stupid she would be willing to lie at anything. I told her I do not believe I'll ever really know the truth about anything.
I can relate, and I think you identified the source of your problem. How can you trust a spouse who is not honest and transparent in their relationship wiht you?
((nofun)), sorry to read you are struggliing too.
Jollum - Welcome. You have found a place of peace and understanding. There are some here that have been dealing with the fallout of a LTA far longer than I have and will be able to give you good advice. Tryn is truly remarkable in how he has been able to move forward in his M. Feel free to vent here....this is a safe place for you.
Tribe - Been reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. As it turns out, I'm pretty much the poster child for co-dependency! I didn't really understand the concept too well until I started reading this book. I urge any and all to get a copy for yourself. It completely supports what I learned at Onsite last week and what so many others here have been saying....you can't control what anyone else does or thinks, you can only control yourself. I am working very hard to give up trying to control how my FWH views our M, our attempts to R and my emotions. It is a struggle for me to put myself first, especially as a mom, but my kids are old enough to want me to be happy...and I want to be happy. I WILL be happy again and I'm working on making that happen.
Gotta run but I'll check in again later!
Miracle said it all....long term affair=long term recovery.
My WW is still in an A however we co habitat at the moment. Limbo is a difficult stage - its taken me almost a year to disengage, to become ambivalent. She can no longer hurt me by her action. Her affair impacted so deeply that I lost my job but Ive recovered, regained my self worth & dignity.
Today I can proudly say I HAVE A NEW JOB.
Life is looking up!
strong enjoy the concert, before you know it those days are over....
Jollum: Welcome to our little corner of LTA. Come here and post often. As Miracle says, LTA= Long time recovery. Many of us are over a year since dday, and some like me our dday is about 2 years ago. Tryn and Miracle have given you excellent advice. I agree with Miracle that you need to decide is this a M problem or from the A? After the trauma of dday wears off, sometimes it gets to be gray areas.
Strong: I think "Codependent No More" is a fantastic book. I know I've been codependent with my mother for years, and I find that I tend to do similar actions with my other relationships too, (but not to that extent!)
There is so much work to do. So much of the behavior of our WS's even before we knew, resulted in many of us becoming codependent, or at least exhibiting a lot of those traits.
Love to the tribe!!
Only got minutes as FWH will be home soon and he gets antsy when I'm on SI.
He has just organised to have a month of weekdays. No weekends or evenings cause he says he wants me to feel safe. Not prefect but it really helps.
Confession time: Most nights he works I hit the booze too much!!! Now I have no excuse
Welcome Jollum - hope you come to love LTA as I do. I know I'd have slit my wrists without SI and esp LTA. I live down under (Australia) so if you need help at odd hours check in anytime. I'm usually not far away while the rest of our friends are sleeping. Just knowing someone hears and understands can sometimes make all the difference.
YAY DP YAY for you.
Think of you often honey. Give us an update when you can.
Reading and thinking of you all every day.
Love to the tribe
Hope you have been able to sleep.
Only 8pm here so a while to go before bed. FWH is hovering so can't write much.
Feeling a little down as tomorrow is anniversary of mum's death and my dog is very old and sick. We may have to have him put down tomorrow. I hate the thought of losing him. He has been my rock since dday and nights when FWH is at work will be lonely without him.
Anyway, c'est la vie!
Good job Mr. Laura.
I'm taking a poll...who hits the bottle too much since Dday? I'm raising my hand and I'm trying really hard not to drink but it isn't working. Geesh!!!
...who hits the bottle too much since Dday?
It was much worse earlier, and now it comes and goes. At one point I was not in control and I am fortunate I did not get into any serious problems. That scared me a bit.
I find the more I detatch, the less I drink. Does not bode well for R, does it?
ETA, wtg on the new job DP. Does that mean drinks are on you tonight?
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:26 AM, May 20th (Friday)]
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
nope...on my nites out, yes, but then again i always liked drinking on my nites out...so nope
laura: i am happy that he has changed his hours for you and your marriage which ultimately is for him as well...a happy laura makes a happy mr laura..
i am sorry about your dog, it sucks when we lose our best friends....and they really are the bestest of friends...you could tell them anything and know for sure that they will never tell another soul, they will always be there for love, hugs and licks.....
I find the more I detatch, the less I drink. Does not bode well for R, does it?
since you did ask.....i actually think it does bode well for "r"....because you are able to think rationally when you can separate yourself from her issues...when you do not take her faults personally and "see" them for what they truly are.....when drinking you cannot "see", when drinking all becomes about you and for you, or i should say for mrs ats....alot of whats wrong in your marriage is about her, her issues and her ability to cope.....you are becomming her rock, rocks cant drink.....something to do with the metabolism i think..
last nite i stuck in my 2 cents to pfm....well maybe 1 cent...a long while ago i gave him some books to read, which he is reading....at the slowest fucking pace ever....but you would think at least he is reading....i believe his reading is like when you have to read for school....when you read the same fucking sentences over and over and over again and for some reason none of it ever penetrates and when you put the book down its done and all the info is in your brain only to be called upon if you are questioned and then the questions need to be phrased just so in order to make the connection....so ideally this is not the way to absorb the help that is there for the taking in this book...so i told him last nite....why bother reading this book any more, its not like its doing anything or that you are learning anything...he picks his head up looks at me and says..."well, i think i am, i was just reading this part about making decisions based on fear"
well blow me down i think i rest my case!!!
I read the post you suggested and it really spoke to how I'm feeling. Something is just dead inside. The "in love" feeling is gone and with all that has happened I'm more in just survival mode.
Thanks for the welcomes from everyone. I hate to have to be here but I'm glad you're all here for me to be with.
Now to answer 2 of the questions posed.
1. I haven't had a drink in over 20 years but on DDay I downed 2 bottles of wine and took every pill I could find. Now I find myself fantasizing about just going to a hotel some weekend and getting myself so drunk I pass out. That way I would feel no pain for at least a while. I'll probably never do it but it's one of my escape mechanisms I guess.
2. Deeppurple. First congrats on a new job!
Secondly....Of course I grill because otherwise my man card would be revoked. Tell me are you a gas, charcoal or wood aficionado?
.....you are becomming her rock, rocks cant drink.....something to do with the metabolism i think..
ummm, can rocks get stoned?
its great to see that you have sense of humor....it helps....is necessary for both healing and survival.....and really lightens the otherwise unelightenable.....
(psst. dip i got a new word, i think )
on DDay I downed 2 bottles of wine and took every pill I could find. Now I find myself fantasizing about just going to a hotel some weekend and getting myself so drunk I pass out. That way I would feel no pain for at least a while. I'll probably never do it but it's one of my escape mechanisms I guess.
thank god you didnt kill yourself, not sure if thats what your aim was...and its a fallacy that when you are wasted that you feel no pain you know....its sometimes makes it "seem" more bearable.....
i hope and pray you find a new "escape mechanism"...some new "fantasy"...one that has dreams and not nightmares.....
(((jollum))) you will get through it, and if you work at YOU, you will come through it more then just a survivor.....but someone who is happy.....granted this will take a while and some work, but i believe its not only possible but probable.....i will not accept anything less in my future...while my path right now is not one filled with happy, it does have happy moments,i find them wherever i can and i work at being "whole" again....wanting someone in my life beside me instead of in front of me or behind me....whereas this person does not become my life but rather a complimentary addition to my life...not necessary but desired....
Medicating with alcohol, smokes, or drugs can dull the painful impact in our lives of the A-crap. The problem is, that this is a temporary dulling, so we have to drink/smoke/swallow more to keep the pain away. The other problem is that you cannot dull only the "negative" feelings, we also dull or suppress joy, happiness, pride, etc. (I will leave alone the negative physical aspects to livers, lungs, etc).
Dr. Brene Brown discusses this very well in her books.
We must lean into what is painful or hurts us, rather than retreat from it. By leaning into it we can get through it to the other side where is a part of our history rather than our immediate entire life. Where we are angry or hurting emotionally, is where we must work to improve ourselves as individuals. No matter the depth and breadth of the tragedy behind us, the goal is to minimize how much it pollutes the remaining time we have left on this Earth and in this life.
jollum, welcome! I'm a little over a year out from DDay#1 and almost 9 months out from DDay#2 (LTA continued for a month after he was done working with COW, upon which I kicked him out and he ended it with her... I think... Memorial Day weekend). My WH hides stuff, too... I have my ways of knowing what some of them are, but I've gotten to a place where I don't even care. I know he lies because he's too scared to come clean about stuff he's not proud of, and too weak to stay away from it. (I'm speaking about online porn, specifically, just FYI.) I don't have a lot of advice, being new to this, but I jump in whenever I feel like I can contribute via info or even just hugs.
Speaking of which:
(((((DP!)))))YAAAAAY! I am SO HAPPY for you! Yay yay yay yay yay!!!! Woohoo!
drinking too much:
Nell raises her hand. I went through a hard liquor phase but that is just way too much for this little person. So now I stay away from everything but wine, and occassionally beer. Unless I'm at dinner with a friend... Mexican food without a margarita?! WHAT?! I do not drink when I'm upset. (Unless I fool myself into thinking I'm fine when I'm actually upset... see last Friday's breakdown.) And I don't drink if I have something I need to get done. Ideally I have a glass of wine about twice a week. If it sounds like I'm thinking way too hard about what, where and when I'm drinking, you are absolutely correct! I do have moments of panic at times when I realize that WH is going to be home in an hour (or whatever), when my habit from the past year-plus kicks in and I think, "I need a drink!" but I've gotten to the point where I can just roll my eyes at myself and pour a glass of sparkling water instead.
I feel like there was more stuff to say, but I don't know what it was...
Oh, ats, how is the relationship right now? Has FWW levelled out after the out-of-control stuff?
Oh, and I finished that Janis Spring forgiveness book. The "acceptance" stuff is the best I can hope for without WH doing a lot of stuff... but I can live with accepting and not letting his brokenness drag me down. The "genuine forgiveness" stuff was interesting, and it was good to read WHY forgiveness is not in the cards right now. I totally agree with the idea that you can't "forgive" (my definition) someone who has not made proper amends, but you can "accept" and move on. tryn, the decision to forgive that you talk about is exactly what Spring calls "acceptance" and it is easier for me to wrap my head around without the forgiveness label. (I'm a Word Girl, what can I say?)
Okay, I think that's all the brain power I can afford to spill here. Back to the gators!
XO - Nell
Today I can proudly say I HAVE A NEW JOB.
Strong.. What I did was to accept it. It’s ok for me to hurt too. I stayed with my W. I am giving it 110% because that is my choice. I am not going to punish her because I made the decision to stay. I am different today. My boundaries are different. I never let anything go unsaid. Unsaid with how I feel. It is then my W’s choice to do things that can make me feel better or not. So far, the only issue we have is her initiating sex. She cannot figure out why she needs to change. So who knows? She may end up leaving me over that. I am not pushing but she knows my feelings about why I think I need it. I try to do everything to make myself attractive and desirable. That is all I can do. BTW, fat guy running in the Half marathon Tomorrow. Lol
Heck jollum, me and a friend went out to the casino just two weeks ago and I did exactly that. Drunk and passed out. (Had fun gett’n there and been years since I was like that) DON’T DO IT.. It hurt like hell the next day. Pound, pound, pound and my stomach.. Don’t do it!