I know a psychotherapist who swears by her work. But, I really don't get it and to some degree, I thought some of what she says we should do as we deal with our feelings seemed downright cruel and harmful.
I've read through a number of the reviews on Amazon and certainly did see some stating similar thoughts as you did.
I also recall when I was involved with a group my IC was running, she did a similar exercise with us and I totally didn't get it, didn't understand it and also thought it was downright bizarre trying to "turn it around" as if what someone perpetrated on us was our fault in a sense?! The rest of what she had us do and share with the group was wonderful but this never made any sense to me.
I think I'll pass on this one!
I came very close to whacking her upside the head.
I'm all for owning my part in my problems, but I will never accept that my pain from the A was optional, i.e. caused by my inability to control my thoughts.
If you want a better (and more sane) option for reading, try Harriet Lerner's "Fear and Other Uninvited Guests."
"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces
It really is a damaging concept to folks who have understandable pain and trauma.
I found it to be valuable because the "negative story" we tell is the worst part. It prevents healing.
DDay - Feb 2010
13 month EA/PA with BFF
In my case, my FWW was too emotionally detached to be nearly as much help to my healing as I needed to finish the job. After a great deal of frustration (35 years since her A!) I finally turned to "Loving What Is".
I hated that book so much at first I wanted to set fire to it and flush it down the toilet. But bit by bit I came to accept that if my FWW wouldn't do what was needed, but I still loved her and wanted to get over it, then I had to.
SI works, BK works. In my case, they worked together to heal me in ways that I don't think either one could have alone. In some cases, opposites really to attract.
In the book Byron Katie writes a bit about her own experiences, and then she explains what this inquiry method she calls "The Work" is. She then gives examples of people using this method. It was somewhat easy to grasp the basics of what she was saying, but actually doing her method of self inquiry and questioning turned out to be hard work. At least for me.
Essentially, "The Work" is about questioning stressful concepts and thoughts. The Work is actually nothing more than 4 simple questions (and some sub-questions as appropriate), and then something referred to as "the turn-around". The turn-around is helpful for opening a closed mind to considering the opposite of the original concept also being true, or perhaps even more true. I found this to be very effective for shifting my own attitude that I was the victim of my husband and OW. It helped me to accept the possibility that NOT being married to a man that was as my husband was now, might actually be a good thing for me.
There is no dogma in the Byron Katie stuff. There is no cult. Assuredly, "The Work" does NOT in anyway attempt to tell people what they should or should not do, think, feel, believe or experience. There is no membership, no joining-up, no meetings. If people are so inclined, they can go to the presentations, or do something called "The School for The Work", and learn more about how to do the self inquiry. Or get help doing it. But honestly, I think everything is in her books. Especially Loving What Is, and another entitled "I Need Your Love - Is That True?: How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval, and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead".
The Work, and the book LOVING WHAT IS, is just a toolkit and examples of the toolkit in use.
I want to be clear here, each person does his/her own work. It is internal work. It is about finding the truth/wisdom inside of you. There are worksheets that are helpful. One is called Judge-Your-Neighbor, which for me, was needed. After D-day and for months after with my mate doing the gas-lighting, projection, and mirroring stuff, I hardly knew what end was up! So, these worksheets really helped to identify the concepts I held, that were causing me to suffer so much.
Byron Katie suggests you do The Work on stressful concepts/judgements of others, but only if you want to stop suffering in your own life. She points out that you probably want to keep those beliefs that bring you bliss. And she is always reminding people to stay in their business. It is all about you. You can not do the work for another person. But you can do the work on your concepts, and beliefs about other people.
To comprehend the value of her method, as well as understand how it can work, it is useful to pull up some of the videos of Byron Katie doing the inquiry (The Work) with another person. When I watched some of the videos there were a lot of AH HA! moments. And too, there was a lot of sanity.
So, I would recommend watching a few of the online videos first, (Google "The Work") and then read LOVING WHAT IS.
I did a lot of the Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheets (in the book, but also online) on my husband, and on the OW. This is a good YouTube on this worksheet: http://www.thework.com/watch.php?cat=watch&yid=Z_Rm_ko9ybU
All of this was very helpful for pulling me out of that muck and mire place that many of us get stuck in, after D-day.
Anyway.. for me, the Byron Katie Work, has been one of the really good things that came out of the infidelity.
[This message edited by luv2swim at 4:34 PM, February 11th (Monday)]