thats a "hell no"...ats you are her soft place, which is something she has never had in her life from what you post...and not from the people that should have been...her parents....so no ats....your presense in her life i think means much more to her and for her then you could ever realize....without you she would not only revert to old behaviors but be very unhappy i would think
m3: backing off for you right now is good...but not from venting.....on that front methinks youve gots lots and lots more to vent...just sayin
allgood: i was watching dr phil today (thurs episode i think, im playin catch up) anyways he tells this girl that it makes no sense to keep trying the same thing and expecting different results...i immediately thought of that sentence for your sich....on the flip side i also see you trying anything and everything you can to preserve your family and save your marriage....and i see you doing it alone....but you know what you have 2 more months to go.....you give it all youve got...try anything and everything because the game will change when he leaves....and coming back isn't going to be so easy for either of you...
now the flip side allgood...once he leaves...cut him, the marriage and as many ties as you possibly can loose....
you will forever be connected because of those precious children....that means on some level i hope you are partners in parenting....but for the rest...let him go and move on.....and yes allgood i understand this ismuch easier said then done....but it not only can be done, but needs to be done...you deserve to be happy...no matter what the outcome of this marriage allgood youdeserve to be happy and your kids deserve a happy mommy...happy mommy's are the best mommys...
small update in the miracle update....no change he is still an asshole....he continues to prove just how big of one he is....and of course he rolls his eyes at me all the time because well, i must be the crazy one....
another philism pops in my mind...
people who have nothing to hide hide nothing...just sayin...
eta: nell you posted earlier whilst i was taking forever to write my long diatribe....
love that he got on the compliment bandwagon...hopin he dont fall off....
and i love the sound of music....love, love love it...
[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:32 PM, May 9th (Monday)]
Nogood is right behind me, asleep, so I must be brief:
Went back for more yesterday. My approach was: just stop candy-coating this - if you fell out of love, that would hurt, but at least I wouldn't have the confusion & guilt of thinking that we are splitting even though we both love each other. Denies that's the case, but his comments & lack thereof throughout the rest o f the conversation (or my monologue) really showed he has no feelings for me whatsoever. Yes, a small part of me thought that he did still love me & that at some point, I was hoping before we had to tell the kids, he might want to turn this around. I told him that as well. More silence. At one point he said it's the same thing over & over again & I told him it's because he never contributes to the conversation, so there's no forward movement in understanding, etc. I think he said when he doesn't comment it's because he doesn't know what to say, but at 1 point it seemed very clear that he only wanted to stay here for the kids, tho he denied it.
I then snapped & said we are not going to be able to be friends after this. It's very hard not to hate someone who has hurt you this much & his present callousness for me is just making it impossible. I then went to bed, sent him a nasty text that I would not be going to xy & z functions & he will not be visiting the kids in my house after we split.
Guess what? - No comment.
Alright. Got to go.
Peace to all.
At one point he said it's the same thing over & over again & I told him it's because he never contributes to the conversation, so there's no forward movement in understanding, etc. I think he said when he doesn't comment it's because he doesn't know what to say,
Allgood - I swear your H and mine are brothers. I said it before but I really think they were made from the same mold. My H has horrid FOO issues. I now know why I hated his family. It's so hard and so frustrating. It's the no comment, the silence and lack of communication that just beats us down.
I do know this about life today. If you can share your feelings with each other, make efforts to love each other in every way, your positive feelings stay strong. If you go out drinking giving quality time to your fellow drunk friends, act single, avoid physical touch, avoid doing chores, shut down in communication etc., this leads to negative feelings.
Maybe he doesn't know how to love you? Maybe since he's been living a married but single life, he wants to be single. Sure you want to know, why he’s not loving you? You may never know until he comes out of his addiction, his immaturity, fog, or whatever you want to call it.
You made your decision. Are you trying to change it? If you do, then change it. Tell him you will drop the S, give it 100%, demand your H go to AA, demand he attend and learn what to do in a healthy marriage, You will do the same, You will accept his past as an adulterer, a cheater, and make the choice to trust him again, forgive him. And live life so.
You are a quality woman. You have a good job, a good mother, a very attractive woman, smart, and I believe what you have been through has made you a much stronger woman. After some time, I think you will be very attracted to a new partner. You will enjoy the free time you have away from your kids and yet cherish the times you have them. Yes, it will be a different type of life but slowly all the negative feelings you have will fade into very minor ones and most go away. You H and you will be friends. He will be pleasant to be around but you love shifted and so will your feelings that are associated with attraction and love.
Peace to all today.
[This message edited by trynhard at 6:48 AM, May 10th (Tuesday)]
I'm still just so pissed.
He just sent me a text (mind you we are in the same house) saying, in response to my statement that he wont be visiting the kids in the house after we split, that I am using the kids to hurt him & I'm not putting their interests first!
I swear, he is pushing me to my limits!
hoon, take a deep deep breath...
yes he loves you...but and this is the but, he does not want the marriage the way he sees it will be for him, he feels as though his choices will be a life sentence for the first part and on the second part he wants to continue with the same behavior he has always had and in his eyes you will not allow that....
so for him divorce is the only option....
i understand the fustration all too well.....unfortunately you cannot control anyone but you
take another deep breath.....as hurtful as he is being he is being honest and that is really good, even though you cannot see that now, he is not stringing you along, he is not claiming shit that he is doing when he is not, he is being honest with you.....
another breath.....texting him in response to his rejection that he cannot see the kids in your house is using the kids....i understand it too....you are hurt, you are angry....
another breath...modify your statement and tell him that him seeing the kids will happen in both places...the sooner they get used to visiting your new place the better...so if he has twice a week visitation....once at your house the other at his...and when he comes to visit the kids...go to the gym, shopping whatever....
another breath...it will get better i promise, but and this is such a big hurtful but, it will get worse first so be as prepared as you can be...you can do this....you have some tough tough months ahead...between being a single parent alone in the house, puberty with one of your kids, your kids and feeling the hurt you feel magnified....BUT IT WILL GET BETTER...keep telling yourself that at some point it will get better....
you know how to reach me if you need me....gotta run...
Why are you letting him push your buttons?
My WH said something that tryn said -- the idea that this seems like it's going to be a life sentence for him.
I think All WS's who try to R fear this.
I know when I lost my shit on my WH on Friday he said he was afraid that every time we had a fight I would throw this out and I told him, no, I think this is what the fight is really about because the issue is not resolved. If it gets resolved then it need never be brought up again, but until then it's going to keep rearing it's ugly head.
And he said, I apologized, you accepted it and said you forgave me -- and all I could do was admit that it wasn't enough and it didn't work like that and that something more will have to be done.
And then I got in the shower and cried hysterically for about half an hour ...
and once I finally calmed down I explained that maybe what he's been doing has been working some because up until that moment I didn't even trust him enough to let him see that I was in pain or to try at all, so I guess I do trust him a little more.
I appreciate your vote of confidence. Thanks.
I can hear all the other women here saying "Allgood, are you OUT OF YOUR MIND?!" As Rita Rudner once said, Men live like bears........ with furniture.
Maybe us guys can come up with something nice. Ats, tryn and Deep do seem to have some class.
Hugs to the tribe.
I am so sorry.
I can hear the wistfulness in your comments.
You could reconcile if you saw some real remorse and effort on his part!
Now.. trying to figure out your STBXH is harder.
Is he just lazy? and unwilling to do all of the hard work to reconcile?
and yes... all the WS want it to go away ASAP and everything should go back to normal ASAP...and if you bring the LTA up they feel like you will never 'get over this'....
but, what separates the reconciled from the divorced is the fact that some WS decide that eventhough they may not like it and eventhough it will be a very difficult journey-they are willing to do whatever it takes to try to save the marriage and to win back the BS!
I do have a new-found admiration for my FWH's willingness to reconcile regardless of how unpleasant and how difficult I made it for him.
He had to swallow his pride and face all of the people that I told about the LTA!
I did not cover for him in any way...everyone knows about his transgressions...all the embarassing details...and my FWH knows that.
Some WS cannot take that. They leave the marriage rather than stay and face the music. They will run away from the marriage to avoid facing their shame eventhough they may truly love their BS.
They do not have the inner fortitude to deal with all of the reconciliation mess- the MC, IC, drama, tears, questions, anger, discussions. For some it's preferable to just leave the marriage and not face any of that.
I guess that's your husband.
[This message edited by njgal480 at 4:05 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)]
Tryn gave you excellent advice. I get the feeling that you want to give it one last try and what Tryn suggested is very good.
Miracle is also right about if you do go forward with the separation, you have to be practical about it. You have 4 kids. I'm sure some of them have extracurricular activities that they cannot always give up to visit Daddy at his house. If Daddy comes to visit, then the one who is playing soccer, for example, can come back home a little later and still see Daddy. It will be logistically easier if he visits them in the marital home. It will be emotionally hard on you at first, but do what I did, I went out...to the gym, to a friend's house, to the library, etc. After a while, you might even be seeing someone new on these visiting times
I think you can do it this way because from what you have described of your WH, he is not one of those crazy WS's that steal things and breaks things and wrecks havoc in an insane way. Like my first xWH, you can trust him in this area.
I also think that your WH withdraws from you completely when you get very upset and emotional. He doesn't know how to deal with it and just seems to wait it out until you calm down. He has no coping mechanisms.
M3, just wanted you to know that I've read your posts and am praying for you. I wish I had words of wisdom for you.
As for me, Mom stayed an extra day, oh joy....
She's not really being that bad, just the usual, but I tried something different, something Dip did. She started in on her black and white thinking, getting all emotional and lashing out and in the middle of it I told her not angrily, exasperated, or anything, "Mom, I have to go inside for a little while" and just left the room quietly without a fuss. She calmed down a bit and it was better.
Years ago, she would've followed me, but can't now. God, she would have followed me into the bathroom and kept at me!!!!!
Anyway, can't wait until tomorrow, Mom goes home. I love her, but only can take her in small doses.
Love to all.
I'm so sorry your Mom stayed extra. That sucks.
Glad Dip's technique worked.
It is good to see that walking away worked out for you. In this case anyway. It is hard to do as your first instinct is to defend your self or try and reason with them. My W will follow me but I think she is starting to figure out that this disengaging method is good for her too. Sometimes NOT though. It depends on how dark she is at the time.
Wow. Two votes of confidence. I think a garage theme would be good. Plenty of cars and motorcycles sitting around dripping oil. Us guys just love the smell of oil, grease and gasoline. Tools scattered everywhere is a must. I hope you do not mind a few pinup calanders for the walls. Several grills just out side. No cabana boys allowed! Maybe ats, tryn, and Deep can add their thoughts.
Your H is probably going to think you will use the kids against him no matter what you do. I can assure you he has heard that story many times, true or not.
Sorry, tribe, I just really feel inadequate. I try to not let it get in my way here, but it does. I can't let people get too close to me. If I posted here all the time and read all the time thats what would happen.
On the other threads I can be detached. Do any of you understand what I mean?
I will miss the house Laura decorated, it was so beautiful. I loved the eyes in the Tiki hut, I think they were mine. Thanks Laura.
Also, I think we established earlier in this thread that I don't go "that" way, but I have got to tell you, Laura, that one woman in the red thong running away from us has an incredible ass. I have to pause and look at it every time I visit here.
It will be interesting to see what the menz come up with for the new house.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson