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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been this pissed off in 11 years. Seriously. Last time I was this pissed off I was having the last fight I ever had with my XH.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3.

Damn, this sounds bad. Let us know if we can help. Vent please.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gots zero time or less....

ats: love the peep....i could not help but laugh especially since i pictured a second peep joining the first peep and they become fucking peeps on the martini...making lauras fucking ducks jealous...


god bless you all, the sense of humor in between the pain is a saving grace...

nell: you short story had be also and .....


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: LOVE the drink! Yum!

M3: For clarification purposes: you are pissed about the way your H interacted with you when you tried to have the discussion about the kids?


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats,
You are a bad influence in a good way. The last time we talked scotch and I did not go buy a bottle. Today you show clear as a bell how to make a Peep-tini and I am thanking G-d that I do not have most of that stuff in my liquor cabinet.

m3,
Anger is good sometimes... what are you going to do with it?

miracle,
How are YOU?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

im hangin in nell...

processing all that i have learned in the last few days...lots of stuff he didn't confess and then the stuff that he did....

in our convo last nite he tells me that "miracle i can relate to those mind movies you have"
"i picture all these guys flirting with you"

this is where i cannot for the life of me keep silent...
me: "how dare you, you think you could compare mind movies...mine are not movies but memories, wheras i have the actual memories of you calling out for "her" while you were fucking me, and you think you could compare this...or even compare that to you actually fucking other women, are you kidding me"...

he confided in a male friend the nite before he told me about this woman...the friend said he didn't want to hear because he is an ASS....and how thick can you be to him.....told him he thinks hes got something seriously wrong with him....

because lets not forget all pfm says over and over and over again and again is how he is taking the opportunity of being in this house to show me that he is a changed man.....


and for me, its a cross between the he still does not love me enough to do what it takes and the flip side...i stand by my decision...he gives me no reason to doubt my course of future action, none....all he seems to be able to validate for me is my conviction of wanting out....


i am stronger then i was a couple of days ago, thanks to some really good friends, lta, some pms, texts and my therapist.....i am blessed to have such good people in my life, even if my husband is not one of them...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

You were RIGHT AGAIN! I ate a couple of peeps and I am feeling good. I only wish I would have tried a few of the peep-a-tinis. That should be even better.

Miracle.

Next time I am going to try the fucking peeps on a martini. You all are a bad influnce sometimes.
He can relate to your mind movies? Sorry but this made me I know I should not have but I did. It is just such a bizarre thing for him to say.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

You were RIGHT AGAIN! I ate a couple of peeps and I am feeling good. I only wish I would have tried a few of the peep-a-tinis. That should be even better.

Miracle.

Next time I am going to try the fucking peeps on a martini. You all are a bad influnce sometimes.
He can relate to your mind movies? Sorry but this made me I know I should not have but I did. It is just such a bizarre thing for him to say.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle and m3 (and Nell),
Our WHs need to be lined up and reminded that they are not to try to make themselves feel better about their horrible choices by trying to equate ANYTHING we've done with their shitty, unacceptable, hurtful, selfish actions.

I got one of those "well YOU..." statements last week and, though I dealt with it, it still rankles. And it wasn't even TRUE!!! Bastard. (Oops. Leaked rankle.)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: you MUST be right..dip said it twice!!!


nell: those well you statements make me just say "WTF"...

last nite as pfm was pouring his so called secrets, i tried to be laura and fun sitting so quiet....and for a while i did...then i asked some questions quietly, with pain in my voice and got some more lies and got "miracle i dont feel safe with you"....

again "WTF"...but i am supposed to hand this man my heart...yeah ok....

i did calmly tell him that until he takes that all important first step trusting me with all of who he is i cant go there...so then i get the "i am a changed man speech"...yeah ok...


gotta go...therapy with manchid shortly....what a fun filled week this is...

eta: i did try to click my heels three times and sat "theres no place like my walks, please bring me back to that ego soul filling place, thers no place like my walks...etc"

it didnt work

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 3:23 PM, May 4th (Wednesday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know Allgood. Maybe I've too much like Dip's wife and ATS's wife. I'm like Russel Crowe -- fightin' around the world at the moment.

Yes, yes of course I'm mad about how he interacted with me. I'm mad about what he did. The conversation about it the next day -- I'm mad that it was so awkward, I'm mad that he essentially told me that I don't deserve to be respected and he wasn't wrong and I should just stay out of his way, I'm mad that he can't just apologize and say that he won't go over that line again -- that he would at least respect that if I think it's too much then it's too much, even if he disagrees

No, he wants to draw a line in the sand over it, but in some things there is a right and a wrong and he's WRONG and 4 other people have agreed with me -- 3 of them carefully chosen because their tolerance level is much higher than mine.

AND then this AM's conversation...

Let's translate it again:
Him: What's Wrong?
Me: I'm not buying your bullshit you're still wrong.
Him: You're not allowed to tell me I'm wrong and I'm not going to admit I'm wrong and I don't care if I upset you and even if I was wrong or did upset you you would be more wrong so you have no rights and fuck you what right do you have to answer my question honestly when I just wanted some points for looking concerned without actually having to care about you so I can pretend I'm reconciling with you!

Fuck him. Fuck his fucked up idea of parenting -- which he suddenly decided to take up after being effectively MIA for 8 years -- fuck him for having an A and for screwing his mistress while I was in the hospital having a miscarriage and when I was postpartum, etc. etc. and

See, this is the part where I get like our BPD friends and now I'm mad about not only everything he did in the past few days but also everything he's trying to sweep away and give me a non-pology for like the craptastic non-pologies of the past few days.

Jackass.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he tells me that "miracle i can relate to those mind movies you have"
"i picture all these guys flirting with you"

Honestly, I think it all comes down to empathy, or rather a lack of it.
My FWW said she did not think I would be upset after dday, she really meant it. She still says that she cannot know how I feel because this has not happened to her personally.
pfm thinks he empathizes because hi thinking of men flirting with iwam is the same or similar to him f#ing OW.

Mr. m223344's extent of empathy is to declare "at least I am not as bad as you". Good one, so long as you are not the worst you must be OK.

Mr. nogood very visibly texts for an extended period of time and then deletes all of the texts. Sure he is headed for S and D, but why rub her nose in it? How does he think that makes her feel, he doesn't. No empathy, just like chatting with FOW at the party, or staying out late.

On and on we read the posts, the FWSs just do not get it. They slide down the slope of loose boundaries with little to no thought as to how others or we will view their actions, what the ramifications could be.
Meanwhile, on the other end of the stick, some of us goofy BSs begin to feel sorry for our WS. We do empathize with the pain of discovery and the shame, the FOO issues, the previous disconnect in the M (you know, the M we were in too).

grrrrrr

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 3:42 PM, May 4th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The peep-a-tinis can wait. with all of the anger it seems like a good night for a couple of bin ladens,

2 shots and a splash of water.

I'll use scotch in mine.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3:

Me: I'm not buying your bullshit you're still wrong.
Him: You're not allowed to tell me I'm wrong and I'm not going to admit I'm wrong and I don't care if I upset you and even if I was wrong or did upset you you would be more wrong so you have no rights and fuck you what right do you have to answer my question honestly when I just wanted some points for looking concerned without actually having to care about you so I can pretend I'm reconciling with you!

It's like you were recording my WH.
IMHO, if this problem is about some boundary with the kids, you have to consider that his behavior might escalate. I think now is not only the time to be thinking about R, but safety of yourself and your kids. Your anger is righteous, you know that. Listen to yourself as to why you are this angry, it's your gut screaming at you.

Ats: I LOOOOVE the peep - a - tini and Miracle, lol, about the fucking peeps in a martini with the fucking ducks. Laura, I think you have something else to add to our poster!!! This is sooo funny!

Hugs to you Nell, you really make me smile and you're writing style really puts things out there!! thank you.

{{{{Laura}}}} I hope all is getting better and you are making new memories.

{{{Strong}}} Hope all goes well with your week.

Allgood: You are sounding stronger and stronger. I know it's so very sad to have to do the best thing. I know you love your WH, but it's not enough. That's maturity to realize that and unfortunately, your WH is not mature when it comes to intimate relationships.

NJgal: You worked so very hard and for so very long. I pray that your triggers and residual hesitancy about R will eventually subside. You still have deep scars from all of this, and it's not just the A, but also from dealing with his alcoholic behaviors in the past that is damaging. I find that I'm still dealing with a lot of that from my first marriage.

Dip, thank you for the laughs. I know you don't complain much, but you have so much to deal with with your wife's BPD behavior.

I'm still working at detaching as much as I can. I think the best way and the way I'm trying to do is to just completely accept the marriage is over completely. Whatever "relationship" we have in the future, I guess just a friendly cooperative one in dealing with the kids and finances and no more.

It's so easy to get sucked into the fantasy that all is ok and the superficiality of WH's dealings with everyone and thinking it's more than that.

WH's packaging is great: charm, etc, good at mimicking true emotions (I taught him well), but underneath the surface is a petulant, self absorbed, needy, entitled spoiled brat.

Damn.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll use scotch in mine.

Oh. You mean shots of ALCOHOL.

And here I thought the splash of water was for after the first shot -- you know: "Wake up! I'm not done shooting you yet!"


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-
Thank you for your kind words...
when it comes to your STBXH remember your words:WH's packaging is great:
"charm, etc, good at mimicking true emotions (I taught him well), but underneath the surface is a petulant, self absorbed, needy, entitled spoiled brat."

He is not remorseful, he has no conscience. You deserve so much more from life.

Allgood and Miracle-
Both of your STBXHs ( I think we should start using that abbreviation for them now!)are skunks.
Texting and emailing OW after all you've gone through...it's amazing.

Allgood-whether you are divorcing or not-it's very disrespectful. He's either clueless or is trying to get your attention, make you jealous?

Miracle-
There are no words for how clueless your STBXH is! Emailing a woman that he met on a train....is OK.... meanwhile he's proclaiming his love for you?
I don't know how you stay under these circumstances and still manage to keep up appearances for your family etc.

M33-
Do you think that MC would help?
It sounds like the two of you could really use some help in terms of communication.Actually,it sounds like your husband really needs to work on his communication skills!
And...about inappropriate interactions with your children...you need to do whatever you need to do to protect your kids!

DP- you need to do what is best for you....she can spin this any way she wants to...but,in the end, you know who is in the right and who is in the wrong.

Ats- I loved your pics of the peep-a-tini!

Dip- Your posts always crack me up! You have a great sense of humor. I hope your wife appreciates you!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I should double post more often. It is kind of fun and ego boosting for a old fart to be able to do something twice in a short time.

m3.

Good rant. I hope you feel better. No wonder you were mad.

Nell.

WWs also like to say the old "well you" crap. Put them in that line please.

Miracle.

He does not feel safe with you! WTF is right.

ats.

I am going to drink a few beer bin ladens. I don't really know what they are but I will wing it. I think it will be a 2 beers, a hearty F you bin and then another beer or 2. Then I will grill a hamburger. I know this makes no sense, but I am low on supplies.

Honest.

Thank you. You sound so much better when WH is gone. I know you can get past this. You will be so much better off.

njgal.

Well, you know about the BPD. She does appreciate me when she is in the white mood.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats,
Bwah-hah-hah! Two shots and a splash of water. (I thought it was just one shot, then laden overboard... but I haven't checked the story lately.)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uhhhh, did none of you find the chocolate-dipped Peeps this year?? I'm disappointed in all of you. For your viewing pleasure.....

http://www.marshmallowpeeps.com/

Now, on to the bin Ladens....I want mine served by a Navy Seal! I heard they know just how to pull the trigger on one of those.

m3 - nonpology - I like that. This will be my new word for today. I can even use it in a sentence, "M3's jackass issued a terse nonpology for his crappy, idiotic, stupid, fuckwad, stupid behavior."

Miracle - Seriously?? Seriously? He equates his image of you being whistled at with his having a LTA?? Yeah....that's kind of like when my FWH told me that he knew what it was like to be betrayed since years ago I had promised to pack for him when he left on a trip and I did that for maybe a few months...at most. Yeah....it's almost the same thing as fucking OW for 4 years. Pretty close. I absolutely don't know how you can stay in the same house with him. You are one strong woman.

Nell - Sounds like you've been dealing with the same kind of crap lately. BTW - what does "rankle" look like? Is it something that we should secretly put in WS's drink?

Honest - You are on the right track. Detach, detach and detach some more. When you think you've detached enough, start again at the top.

Hugs to the rest of the Tribe!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW- I have no idea if Nogood was texting OW or not. He does text male coworkers frequently, so who knows?
I didn't check.
H (Yes - NJGal - I agree I should use STBXH - but that's a lot of letters for an abbreviation, lol) looked at another apt today.
Ok, I can't even think straight cuz these kids are makin me crazy, seriously.
I'll try to makes sense of all of our lives later.

O - except- M3 - earlier you said something about maybe you had something in common with Dip & Ats' wives, about being mad about one thing & then generalizing out.
- I think this is more a product of fence sitting. You're already stressed out, half ready to go & then something comes along that can be the straw that broke the camel's back & all Hell breaks loose.
Ok, seriously I don't understand why we cant use some sort of remote taser like device for these kids. Not a strong electric shock, but something SOMETHING to get them to STOP. I'm outnumbered for God's sake & they know it!
Sigh.
Gotta go play referee.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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