Can't post much tonight. Only 4 hours sleep last night and FWH is hovering. He's worried about me. Will respond to you all on Sat morning when FWH is at work.
Saw the doc today and got sleeping tabs and a referral to a psychologist for EMDR. I want to give it a go. First appointment is 16 April. I'm a little frightened but have read a bit.
Anyone know/heard anything?
Have also had to put the collage on hold until weekend when I am home alone. I am really enjoying doing it - hope you all like it. Will have two versions- one M rated for the boys and one PG as I want to print and frame. Will make an interesting talking point one day
Honest - BIG HUGS
You too Strong and AGNG
Tryn and ats
Hi boys. So admire your efforts to understand your FWHs
Thanks for your comments hon
I think that when there are multiple affair partners it does at least show you that he was not invested in any of these women...they were basically interchangeable...he liked the rush of the affair... and he may have been addicted to that rush and that is why the behavior continued for years. But, it really didn't matter who the woman was...
You may be right. He threw them all under the bus on dday and cheated on OW2 with OW3 (and vice versa I guess ) . So....yep.....I think you nailed it.
I know it may not feel this was but for me it would have been easier if there were multiple OW. This way I would not have wasted so much time fantasizing about the OW and giving her way too much importance. My husband insisted from day one that the OW meant NOTHING to him and that he never had any feelings for her. (I know Tryin.. that this always gets you going...) But, I do believe that men (and some women) do exist where sex is just sex
I can understand you feeling like this. I find myself obsessing over each one for a time. When I start to think one of them "mattered" to him I seem to focus my thoughts and anger on her for a time and then move on to another for some reason. Weird stuff.
How are you?
It is what it is. You cannot change it. Yes, you do have to find a way to learn to live with it. No, that does not have to include saving the marriage
Yep I have my free pass. One day I may use it. I may just wake up and say - "No I don't want to do this anymore". I feel secure in that knowledge and that's why for the moment at least I can stay.
No I'm starting to think still ONLY three . But then again that doesn't count OWzero. OH who cares!!! According to his confession he fucked them all a total of somewhere between 600 and 800 times. The mind boggles!!! The bit that really unnerves me is that now that we are having more meaningful sex I've noticed a few minor improvements in his technique. I guess practice makes perfect
manchild was accepted into the college of his choice
Thinking of you DP
Anyone know when Fun is due back????? Must be soon. I wonder how she's going?
Gotta go - he's finished feeding the FDs
Love to all
[This message edited by Laura28 at 12:41 AM, March 31st (Thursday)]
Cooking class a blast. Prawn cocktail, roast chicken, chicken & leek pie, pork belly asian style, corn fritatas - some nice wine , good conversation - i enjoyed myself.
Really needed that - my thoughts have been very positive, more detachment & ambivilence towards ww - i'm almost ready to ask her to leave - shit that is scarey.
just working on me & the kids - next cooking class is pasta & sauces.
oh ya dip lots of women in the class.
interview was ok - name down for 2 more - have finished up & found i havent been paid - just great
[This message edited by deeppurple at 5:14 AM, March 31st (Thursday)]
My weekly counseling appointments with the social worker to try to get my schedule under control are going well. The baby's therapy is going well. The rug sweeping continues -- but I have made no moves to change that. I am reading a few books, and also re-reading a few.
My situation is very similar to ATS's and Tryn's in some ways as far as sex, etc. And I have been letting my WH take the lead in frequency as well. That puts me at about 5 or 6 times a month. My preference would be about ten times as much as that. I'm also frequently not satisfied by the act, which is another frustration. And WH seems to be too old or uninterested in a "round two". All of this sucks. He talks about sex a lot, but does not do it so much. I pointed out to him in a non-threatening way when he brought up sex in a flirting way last night that the amount of sex we've been having is his choice. He seemed surprised when he realized this was true. Then he made some flirty comment about doing it right then, and I was gung-ho -- sure, let's do it, but he immediately said "well, I didn't really mean right now, I'm too tired." and went to sleep.
He was rueful rather than rejecting though. So be it. We've always had this disconnect in our sex drives. You don't realize at the beginning of a relationship that the frequency might be a red herring -- lower desire people will have more sex at the beginning of a relationship due to the newness.
This is part of the reason I do believe that the sexual part of WH's A was infrequent. There are other indicators as well -- but it's easy to believe given how our sex life settled out over the years.
And yes, ATS and tryn, I agree that this might be a dealbreaker as well. It's difficult to deal with not enough sex as it is, and more so when you find out that some of "your" already inadequate amount of sex was given to another.
Well, anyway, the validation from the counselor that no one person could do all I'm *supposed* to do has been very freeing. I know I am not lazy. Possibly a bit inefficient but not lazy. Today I was up with Sunshine in the middle of the night, up again with him and Paddy at 6:30 a.m., fed them, got two kids ready for school and fed them, did dishes, straightened up a bit, had the therapist for an hour, in the middle of which Paddy needed a bath for her messy play, started some laundry and put some laundry away, had some coffee, now I'm checking in for 15 minutes (it's @ 9:45) I haven't had a shower or breakfast yet. Next, do some work, clean myself up, clean two bathrooms, buy rice milk and something to make for dinner, get The Pasha, do more work, put more laundry away, get the Pharaoh, do more work, make dinner, have date night (and maybe try to fit in a mani-pedi before WH is off work). Oh, and try to get the slipcovers back on the couch the dog peed on yesterday.
NOT lazy. Also, not getting in a full workday. Ugh.
If any of the lurkers want me to add something please let me know.
Thinking of you all every day and wishing you peace and strength.
Hugs to the tribe!
ETA - How about a pair of eyes peeking into a window to represent those of us who lurk?
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:29 AM, March 31st (Thursday)]
If you recall, I was getting a little skittish about H's plans to work (on his day off) on OW's birthday. I wound up asking him straight out about it which led to some defensiveness, etc. & a lot of texting back & forth. I kept my cool the whole time & was pretty detached - left it simply at what he does is none of my concern, but I wasn't going to have my Mom watch the kids for him to have a booty call.
I was proud of myself. (I realize some of you may think the booty call comment wasn't all that detached, but it was a lot less venemous than my usual comments.)
Then, last night, he comes home around midnight & tries to initiate sex. I said No & was not swayed by him. I have to say he was really surprised, saying "So, we're never having sex again?" An exchange followed that really showed me how differently I view him now. Things he said would've had a different impact just as of last week. Now, I just saw it as manipulative. He'll say anything to get what he wants. That he wants to have sex with me just means he wants to have sex with me & nothing more. And, I saw that last night & did not get upset by it.
So, hopefully, this is not a temporary thing and I will continue to detach.
left it simply at what he does is none of my concern, but I wasn't going to have my Mom watch the kids for him to have a booty call.
Where is everyone?
Did I miss the memo?
Did the Karma/ass-kickin bus tour take off without me?
Is there a grill-a-thon?
WHERE IS EVERYONE????
Laura: Let us know about EMDR. I've heard it mentioned on SI, but don't know anything about it.
It's good that your WH has been more open with you and really seems to be trying, but it's a lot to digest. Give yourself time and some TLC.
Allgood: Thank you for all your suggestions and support.
I think with your WH, even if you feel it's no longer a concern of your what he does, to me, it's the same as having an older teenager/young adult living with you. As long as they are living under your roof, they abide by the rules of the house. This does include no OW's while he's living there. Otherwise he should find some other living arrangements. ( I know I should follow my own advice!!)
Deep: I admire you for going to cooking classes to do something that you like. I'm sure all those women in the class will appreciate a nice man there!!
Forgive: the emotional pain is too great. I thought that maybe I could do this just for the finances, but just when I think I am detaching, WH pulls me back in emotionally and I'm back to square one. It would be easier if I didn't care, if I was callous, and selfish like he was, but I'm not.
Today was my son's 16th birthday. I can't believe it!! He wants to go for his driver's permit tomorrow.
The ironic thing is when my WH wanted to marry me, I was hesitant because I didn't want to start over and go through the teen years again!! Babies are easy lol.
But I love DS 16 and DS 12 and have an angel in heaven. DS 31 came over and DS35 stayed away because of WH. <sigh>
Hugs to the tribe
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:08 PM, March 31st (Thursday)]
but just when I think I am detaching, WH pulls me back in emotionally
I'm exhausted. Took a Xanax for the first time in 3 months and I'm heading for bed. I knew that it would get worse before it got better and I know that there are still rough seas ahead, but today took the stuffing right out of me.
Thanks for listening Tribe.
way back when, pfm would cry and all i wanted to do was crack him one with a pot, a dish, a bat...pretty much anything that would hurt...because he would want me to console him...i couldn't go there, not with all the nites i cried and he would just sit there lying through his teeth...the only consolation he ever gave was lies....even before d-day, he was a rotten husband...
laura: lost heart i believe had used emdr....if i remember correctly she said it was emotionally and mentally draining, but helpful....
maybe if she is lurking at some point she will chime in...
in the meantime, i hope your sleep is restful...
honest: do you remember when booger needed to detach, we told her to get rid of one thing at a time til it was all gone...well maybe you could try doing just that...get rid of one thing that holds this man to you...first would be where he sleeps...i think if you could this one you will find the rest will come easier...get him out of your bed....or at least you start sleeping somewhere else when he is there...do not let the man touch you in any way shape or form...and let him know that while his hands are touching her they are not welcome to be touching you...period...it will at the very least accomplish distance...and he will still believe that you want the marriage, and are being stubborn, willful and so not fair to him...after all he loves you so...fucking gag me now.. ....it will buy you the time you need and more importantly it will create a wall of resistance giving you distance....and everytime he comes near you you need to picture him being with her...as hurtful as it is it will help you propel him away from you...and i pray pray that you get angrier rather then more hurt...use the anger i know you have...and when he says something about needing affection...tell him to look up the flights leaving and then he can leave and go get it from her...
you can do this honest...you really can....
you do have your hands full...
purple: i once took a cooking class, chinese cooking...i loved it...there were mostly women there too..
maybe i should take a class in motorcycle riding...oh wait, cant do that, they terrify me..
allgood: i sadly can relate to all of what you posted..i too tell pfm that what he does is no longer my business....i also add that he is not to put it in my face...it still hurts though...as for the sarcasm...i still drip with it at every opportunity...for intance tonite..we were watching private practice and this woman reminded me so much of his judge..so i said so...and then i commented laughingly that its a good thing her name is not miriam..the name of the judge..he laughed too....but it still makes me mad...it still hurts and it takes lots of restraint to shut up at that point...because all i want to do is scream, scream and scream some more...beating him at the same time too would be nice...
fnf: this little corner of ours still saves my sanity...glad you came out to play a bit..
ats: i have no idea what mikado is, i will have to google it when i am done with my post..
and for the rest of you lurkers...
p.s.....allgood, dont you hate it when the crickets are out..
eta: ok googled mikado and its either a african safari...don't think its this one...a japanese restaurant...could be this one or even some kind of opera...do you do opera...so ats...i still don't know what mikado is??
[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:01 PM, March 31st (Thursday)]
Ive let go of the anger & moved to mild resentment. This is the best most positive i have felt in over a year. even in my last week of work i was productive, good concentration. i am letting go finally.
next step - financial separation - take away her credit card, she pays her way NOW! As she isnt working it will hurt - fuck it the POSOM can pay for her - he's fucking her he can take care of her.I'm not going to be used anymore.
Its me & the kids - its our time.
miracle - do the course - just do it for you - never know might meet a big hairy biker who can cook up a storm
[This message edited by deeppurple at 5:14 AM, April 1st (Friday)]
The cooking class sounds like a good move for you. Lots of women there? Good for you. Those fancy meals are beyond my abilities/knowledge. It was great to read that you are no going to be used anymore. You are right, OM needs to pay her way. It will be interesting to see how she reacts to being cut off from the credit card.
Hugs to the tribe.
Laura - did you have any idea there was that much sex with his OW's or is this totally new? Where you at all prepared for that news? (((Laura))) In any case, that is alot to process.
Deep - I think it is great you are doing things for yourself (cooking class). I do know that the women I know love men who can cook and cook for them. It is way sexy! And such a great idea to cancel her credit card. No way you should be supporting her waywardness.
honest - I have no advice, just been trying to brainstorm for you to get out of your horrible sitch, but I got nothin'.
Miracle - congrats on manchild's college acceptance. YAY!
strongish and allgood - so sorry it looks like D is going to be your paths, and that your WS's cannot see that they are losing the best thing that ever came into their lives, YOU!
ats - FWH and I went to our first Opera last year and LOVED it. I think that the Mikado would be a very good one to see.
tryn - Fantasies and affairs can not be compared. What goes on in your head is just that, in your head. BTW, I have never had a fantasy about being with a women. I did have a dream once, but it didn't go very far in my dream even.
m33 - I am confused about what is going on with you as I couldn't keep up with Part 23. If I have time, (never), I will have to try to read Part 23.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Honest: Just curious - the boys are in school... you are home alone with WS every day that he's here? What are you guys doing?
ETA: I've never dreamt of switching to the other team. Wish I could just wish it that way sometimes, but, no, not my thing at all.
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 9:37 AM, April 1st (Friday)]
my cousin, she just turned 49 has had a heart attack...in the midst of doing a cath to put in some stents for the blocked arteries that were found a blood clot was also found, cath was shut down and the clot became the major focus...her brother died at the age of 44, he would have been 50 now.....so anyways, they finally got the clot, dissolved it, and right now she is convalesing (i think i spelt that wrong) at home....so life is short....she is really lucky that she had that initial heart attach because the clot would have cause a massive heart attack and she would be no more...so she has a second chance at life....
it is so freeing to know that i am doing what i need and want to do for me....i know that if i die, i will die knowing i did it all right with what i knew, felt and believed...
we don't always get second chances so don't waste the first one...kkk
So, my wife also said last week I have this, "Holier Than Thou" attitude. It really bothered me so I took this test.
I'm normal. It was funny, she called me right when I finished the test and ask what was I doing. I told her making sure I am normal
SisterM.. I know.. oh well onward!
[This message edited by trynhard at 10:50 AM, April 1st (Friday)]