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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading and trying to catch up on what's going on with the Tribe. I'm so, so sorry that somany of you are hurting.....

Nell - Your insight into your WH's behavior and how it makes you feel is pretty remarkable. It's obvious that you are using both your head and your heart to guide you. You are a wise woman.

ats - Oh my....your FWW does seem to revert to old patterns of behavior whenever she feels out of control. I agree with Honest that it might be helpful for her to be seeing her IC more often as she tries to make such enourmous changes in herself.

Nofun - Seriously, the man is an idiot. Period. It sounds like your IC is able to validate that which you already know but I know that for me, it helped having that validation from someone outside of the M to reinforce that I wasn't the crazy one. Although some days I certainly feel that way.

m3 - Love your girl time! Baby Paddy is lucky to have you for a mom! I tried to avoid the wedding. I got up early to see Di and Charles get married. It seemed like such a fairy-tale and I still believed in those things then. The saga that followed that M was painful to watch, and yet I thought that she tried to handle herself with grace and poise. I so wanted Di to be at that wedding, looking hot and putting Camilla in her place. That I would have watched!

Ah...the drama.....after FWH's stupidity earlier in the week, we pretty much just kept things superficial the rest of the week...until we went to MC yesterday. Well, it seems that no matter how much I try to remain "numb" the MC sessions bring out the rage in me. She asked how our week went and FWH told her how it went so well because I had asked him for a hug on Tuesday, after I pushed and poked and prodded him about the phone call with his friend that was a huge trigger for me. What he got out of that whooooooole mess was that he felt good about the hug I gave him. He didn't mention, so I guess he didn't think about, the anxiety or pain or sadness that the trigger caused me for hours before I finally talked to him about it. God....it's so obvious that this man cannot handle negative emotions!! especially from me!! So, naturally I blew up, cried, etc. Again, MC called my outburst(s) "rightous anger" and pretty much told FWH that if he wants to R he will have to accept and "own" my angry feelings and words. She actually said that although it was appropriate for me to vent my anger, he would need to keep calm and vent with his IC or the MC, but not to me. Honestly, he took it well and tried several times to really get me to talk about my resentment and frustrations. I/we had reached a pretty calm place by last night, as I was taking him to the airport for his 1 week trip to Europe for business...then it started raining....


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(I broke up my posts so that I wouldn't lose them!)

Yesterday morning on the way to MC I spoke with my mom and told her that FWH were "in trouble" and were seeing various IC/MC. I specifically told her that at 50 years old I was able to handle this...was handling this...and that if I felt she needed to know anything else I would tell her. I said that I didn't want her calling me every day to "check" on me and that anything other details were FWH and my business.

Fast forward to my leaving the airport after dropping FWH off...one sister calls to tell me that my mom was pumping my other sister for information on FWH and I and whether there was "someone else on either side." I was PISSED!! It pretty much fueled my always-simmering anger. This is exactly why I didn't want to tell her. She cannot and will not respect our (her kid's) boundaries. She put my sister in a horrible position and I was furious that she was again trying to get what she wants (more info) at someone else's expense (my sister, me).

So, taking what the MC said to heart, I called FWH as he was waiting for his transatlantic flight and yelled at him on the phone that his LIES are what caused this. LIES get out of control and hurt so many people...and he had started this whole ball rolling. I have to say, he listened and didn't try to defend himself. He offered to call my mom and talk to her, which he has done before, but this time I told him to do it. It's time that HE deals with the fallout from what he's done. I also told him to call my sister as he owed her an apology as well. AND that he was going to tell our kids about his LTA, at the time and place of MY chosing. He agreed to all. I finished my rant and went to my BFF's hosue for chardonnay. She in the middle of an ugle separation as well. We are like two crazy people comparing our daily drama!

FWH call and talk to both my sister and my mom. Late last night I called to apologize to my sister as well and she said that FWH seemed truly upset about what was going on and took full responsibility for it. She also mentioned that FWH seemed to be relieved that I was actually "letting him" help me with something.

She's right. It was like FWH and had were on the same side for once. Now that meant that we were both focused on anger toward my Mom, but it was kind of nice to have him "fight" for me and protect me. Crazy huh??

I expect I'll hear from my Mom today. She won't be able to help herself. Stay tuned....


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats,
How are things in your world today?

nofun,
Ditto the question.

strongish,
That's me in the corner pumping my fist and jumping up and down. Good for you and good that your WH handled your anger well. Here's hoping that your mom will put it in her bloomers after hearing "Mom, I really do not want to talk about this right now. I appreciate your support and I will let you know when I need to talk to you. So what are you doing today?"

miracle,

where is nell and what she needs

Right here. I have been doing for myself for quite some time. And I can do for myself for the foreseeable future. I've made great strides in this in the past several years. It's been tough work, trying to figure myself out. But I'm mostly there.

The question right now is really: Is being married to Mr. Nell making Nell's life better or worse? If Mr. Nell changes, will Nell's life be better or worse? And (this is the hardest one) how long does Nell wait, and how much effort does Nell put in, for Mr. Nell to make some very difficult changes before she throws in the towel?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong: i love love love your mc person....big time...she sounds like she not only is realistic about the bs side of things, but also what the ws needs to be doing...


as for your ws, yes its sad that he was happy for the hug and i was reminded that from pfm, this kind of shit too was what ruminated with him....before d-day we were having some serious foo issues and i was withdrawn from him, and beccause he was starting to come around foo wise i was softening big time...on my way to the den and to the computer as i was passing him i touched his head and gently rubbed his head and hair...then i sat down at the computer and my world was destroyed 30 seconds later....when we finally got to mc a month later he commented on the way i had touched his head...that was what ruminated with him...my world was over as i knew it and all he could think about was my touch...and as sick as it sounds i understand in a warped way....i think that was one of the few times i saw the boy that he was instead of the pitiful of an excuse of man he is....and i think that is what must have been for mr strong....(damn that was long, sorry)

as for your mom, she is concerned...did she handle it badly, yup...could you understand ...her child is in trouble even though you are a 50 year old woman to her you are the child...and kudos to you for putting her in her place...something your sister should learn....just because your mom called her does not mean she should have done her bidding, she too could have said no to your mom...and remember it sounds alot to me like major concern for you....is it meddling..absolutely, its meddling concern..

nell: yes you are there taking care of your needs...but nell we all have needs in the relationship category, we cannot fulfill those needs...these are the needs that we require of our partners....for me one of them is total truth, not just of events but of self....i need to know my partner is totally truthful in everything he does and says and that he is true to his authentic self.....this is of course but one need....

so nell i ask again...where are you?...where are you in your marriage? what does your heart need from mr nell and will he be capable of meeting it....

and i forget nell, is he in ic?


dd had her company last nite at our house, nice bunch of girls...it ended up that another girl was invited to dinner, last minute...so we set another place and its a good thing i cook lots of food...these girls eat like manchild...non stop it seemed... ...

dinner conversation was great, almost non-stop and lots and lots of laughter...it truly filled my soul sitting at the table watching all these people eating and laughing...my mom had a friend eat over as well......very cool....i have the "it" house for all it seems and its exactly what i always wanted and it makes me so sad too....because as that song by adele goes "we could have had it all"....

oh damn, need a tissue..when i started typing i was so fine....bbl...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh and i forgot.....i understand way too well how di felt, only my pain was not public thank god...i will never forget it when diana said that there was always 3 people in her marriage....same for me...sadly, the same for me....of course he added a few more along the way not counting foo....and at the time when she said it, i was thinking i felt the same way about my inlaws, little did i know that there was #1 there too....

i am getting better, or i should say feeling better and stronger...no tears this time, this post....a bit of anger, but no tears...

i personally think i should have bought stock in puffs plus tissues...they rock...i have gone through more tissues in the past couple of years then i care to admit...yup should have bought some stock...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so nell i ask again...where are you?...where are you in your marriage? what does your heart need from mr nell and will he be capable of meeting it....

Both my heart and Mr. Nell know what I need from Mr. Nell. What I don't know is whether Mr. Nell will produce. Of course he's CAPABLE of meeting my needs; it will take some work and a different viewpoint to do it consistently. And a lot of time. What I don't know is if he WILL meet my needs before I've met my limits. I'm sure you all can tell that I'm feeling less and less charitable toward him. My "Love Bank" is way overdrawn and I can't write any more checks to him.
and i forget nell, is he in ic?

Nope. He made some noise about going back to IC last week during (or after?) our big trainwreck, but I've seen no movement on this. I've got a few notes for his IC should he ever go to one.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The question right now is really: Is being married to Mr. Nell making Nell's life better or worse? If Mr. Nell changes, will Nell's life be better or worse? And (this is the hardest one) how long does Nell wait, and how much effort does Nell put in, for Mr. Nell to make some very difficult changes before she throws in the towel?

The question right now is really: Is being married to FWW making Atsenaotie's life better or worse? If FWW changes, will Atsenaotie 's life be better or worse? And (this is the hardest one) how long does Atsenaotie wait, and how much effort does Atsenaotie put in, for FWW to make some very difficult changes before he throws in the towel?

Word

NellIsMyMentorNow

Life the last few days is similar to before dday when I did not know about the A. Much less anger, but we are good roommates.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish: It is really good news that your WH called your sisters to talk to them and started owning his shit. This is a HUGE step. This is not acting like one is remorseful, it seems like it is true remorse that he is trying to fix in some way the things he has done wrong.
He listened to your anger and didn't yell back at you, this is also a good sign. Him focusing on your hug also shows that he is looking for the good and incentives to keep going in the right direction. I pray this is a start for him to keep going in a positive direction, but it will take time and hard work to make the changes.

As for your mother.....well, I do understand having to deal with that. Hang in there and bravo to you for keeping your boundaries.

Miracle: It sounds like your dinner was very nice. You are such a giving and generous person. You will always have the "it" house. It has nothing to do with how big or beautiful the kitchen is (and your is
magazine worthy gorgeous!), but YOU. You are the person that makes everyone feel at home. You are the person people want to see and be with. Remember how special you are.

The memory of how you found out and how when you decided to give some honest care and them BAM, is very hard. I know, it happened to me in almmost the same way. I let down my guard and was telling WH how sorry I was for doubting him and being suspicious all these years and BAM, he told me. What timing.

{{{Miracle}}}

Allgood, let us know how you are doing.

{{{{Nofun}}}} please come and vent here. I know you must be going through a lot of mixed emotions and pain.


{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats,
NellIsMyMentorNow

That is quite possibly the nicest/scariest thing I have ever read in my life.

honest,
You're awesome!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need 2 x 4's or something. It's not so much I need external validation, but reality checks, and this bothers me that I cannot seem to do it in terms with WH.

I have been working on trying to detach emotionally from WH and mourning the death of the M. When WH calls, I keep the convo to kids and finances as much as possible and give the phone to DS's almost immediately. I KNOW I am not acting angry, and sounding "pleasant". It's as close to NC as possible when kids are involved.

So WH calls yesterday and tells me something about his business and wanted my opinion. I just acted pleasant and said something to the effect that it sounded good and do whatever he feels is best and then gave the phone to DS.

WH wanted to talk to me again and started in on how upset he was that I took the GPS thing off my phone. He said he felt like I didn't want him to know where I was and what I was doing.

I repeated that I didn't take it off and WH says well I know DS16 wouldn't have done it. I said nothing. He was going on that I haven't called him.

This started a whole conversation that I should NOT have engaged in. WH says we are really "separated" and my actions are making it worse!!! I said that he told me he wanted freedom and wanted me to let him go, so I did!!!!!

WH is acting angry and talking circles around me and I go into emotion mode and get all confused.

He says that what he meant that he didn't want this relationship anymore (us) was that he wanted something new. I told him I said that several times to him for over 2 years that we needed a new marriage.

Sorry for the rant. I try so hard when dealing with WH or my mother to self soothe, to understand and validate myself and be logical, but I just have so much trouble. I can do it with my kids. I can do it with friends. But with WH, I just can't seem to do it.

I feel like I'm going crazy again.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A few of you have suggested it would be helpful for FWW to see her IC more often as she works through her shame and other issues. I agree, but I do not set this schedule, she does. It is her life, her issues, her IC. BTW, she respects the IC’s abilities, but HATES going to see him.

This is one of a few things I think could be done differently than she is, and would have positive impact on our R from my perspective. She has been told of each of these more than once, it is her decision. If the path she is pursuing works, great. If not, well there was no guarantee my recommended path would work either.

Just because a WS wants to R and does work towards R is no guarantee the M will be saved. In our M, and I suspect many others visited by an A, there were longstanding issues prior to the A. In nearly 20 years and 3-4 different MCs we were not able to resolve these issues prior to dday. Now, the issues are much more complicated and volatile after dday. There is greater focus and awareness, but no guarantee we can both fix our individual and relationship issues. FWW is still holding on to the “Atsenaotie has issues too”, and I agree. What I do not know is how much I have resolved my issues (a great deal I think), how much of my remaining issues are a result of or reflection of FWW’s issues.

What kicked off our latest not talking? I am sure there are many underlying issues, but the trigger was FWW telling me about a call on a new job she applied for. She made the first cut, and was called to ask what salary she would expect if hired. They did not want to bring in people to interview who wanted more salary than available. FWW gave them a number well below the advertised range. I commented that this will make it difficult to negotiate anything other than the minimum salary and benefits. She “got the look” stood up and walked away. True, I should have bit my tongue. That is why I apologized a few minutes later.

What happens in me now is the longer she avoids me, or we just have superficial conversations, the more disconnected I feel. I am fine alone, I always have been. I think about why I want to be with her. I notice how old she is looking, tired. I think of all the health problems in the last year. I think about how much happier she was during her A. True, the A is not a healthy relationship, but she was in a good mood most of the time, working out, more sure of herself, flirty and sexual (with the OM), dressed sharper.

So I will see if she will take any steps to fix things, or we just drift for a while.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:42 PM, April 30th (Saturday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest, first ((honesttoafault)). There is a technique (called tape recorder?) where you just keep saying your point no matter what the other person says or how they try to shift the discussion topic. This allows you to maintain your focus, and not have to follow the mental gymnastics of a caller who called when he wass prepared and knew what his agenda was. Another option is to say "oh, just a minute.... I will have to call you back, sorry" and hang up.

Maybe someone came to the door, maybe the oatmeal was buring, maybe you dropped your weed, whatever. This stops the conversation and allows you to recover.

I know it is hard, and you are too nice to be mean.

ETA, another option is always let the call go to voicemail. Then when you call back, use one of the services that by-passes ringing his phone and sends you to his voicemail to leave a message. He can ask, you haved time to formulate your answer and leave it without talking to him.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:46 PM, April 30th (Saturday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on borrowed time, but I saw Honest's post & had to go log in.
To be perfectly Honest, I didn't even finish reading your post cuz I literally should be on my way out the door right now, but wanted to tell you that:

No, you can scale back on contact with WH.

My H & I do not talk on the phone at all, barring a child related emergency that is too complex to discuss via text. Everything else is via text. You can do the same, if not by texting, but by email.
Much better.
I'm already past the point where I am looking for communication from him. I must admit, I'm happy if I see it, but at least I'm not disappointed when I don't receive something, it 's not something I expect, nor actively miss.
That will end a lot of your problems with getting wrapped up with his circle of crazy talk.
Alright.
Got to go. The roof on my house might have actually blown off, or at least that's what it sounds like when Mom's in the basement and 4 kids are unsupervised upstairs for 40 seconds.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-
Just chiming in with everyone else.
Just stop and think-what is ONE positive thing that could possibly come out of you and Mr. Dishonest having a conversation?

Remind yourself that he is talking to you while sitting in a home with his new wife and not one, not two, but three OC!!!!
This man has been very busy betraying you and your boys!
Think of all the money that he is lavishing (wasting) on this other family while you and your boys have to make do with less.
Think of the time and energy he is spending raising those children while he is away from your boys.
Think of all the time and gifts and attention that he is lavishing on the OW while you are home alone.

And with all of that...he still thinks that you should be beholding to him? that you should be excited about talking to him for a few minutes?
and what is he asking about?
He's questioning you about a GPS tracker that he put on your phone so that he can stalk you while he is out of the country with his 'other' family?
He wants that level of control over you.
Think about all of those things the next time he calls you.
Please take Allgood's advice and do not answer the phone.
Use email to discuss money or kid issues but do not engage!

Have you had a chance to look into the co-dependent support group?
I think it would be so helpful for you to be able to talk to other's that are dealing with this type of unhealthy relationship.
Take care.
Do something nice for yourself this weekend.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 8:10 PM, April 30th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do not have much time....honest...he just talked circles...if you think about it he is actually telling you that he wants to be a cake eater..which is ludicrus....

no contact hon....when the phone rings your kids already know the plan...they answer...any communications with you should be through texting or email....and when he questions the gps...tell him he no longer needs to know where you are...and if he really needs to know he can ask after all arent you the honest one....

let him go honest...let him go and remember who he is every second of every contact...and really listen to what he says and remember you ARE NOT THE CRAZY ONE...

(((honest)))


oh and i was just asked bout an hour ago is my house can be the go to house for prom pictures...

and honest, its not me, its my kids and all this house has to offer, and yes i do make them feel at home when they are here, but you gotta admit my house has lots of "it" shit...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Quick visit. 7am Sun. FWH has gone to work. I'm going to Mass then a mountain like Everest of chores (home and school work)so must be brief. Always hard for me esp when so much catching up to do.

Firstly, Dip, UK. Where are you all? Are you Ok? Did I miss any vacation plans? Tryn, you've been a little quiet too. You OK?

(((((Fun))))))

Sooooooo sad for you!!!!

M33

I so wish I had been with you and Paddy and doggie for the wedding. Sounds like you had great fun.

Honest

How about you tell him that now that you are D then you are just the caretaker of the children for him (their mother for you). Therefore chat should only be about the children and their lives. He is SUCH AN ARSEHOLE!!!!!

Strong

I can see some glimmers of hope for you and your FWH. I'm praying he keeps up the effort.

((((AGNG))))

You are doing amazingly well. Stay strong honey.

(((((ats))))))

Geez that rollercoaster is so wild for you.

Miracle

Your DD is just like you - she has a heart of gold. Love that girl.

i will never forget it when diana said that there was always 3 people in her marriage

Yep. I used to get so sad for that girl and I loved the way she threw herself into charity work when she found out what her dickhead was up to. I have never had a minute for the monarchy but that girl was special. I cried when she died : cry: I could never tell anyone this IRL but I started making plans for my marriage shortly after hers. So many people I dealt with (caterers, church etc) commented on the similarity in our looks and I always felt so close to her. I loathe crinkly, coarse, creepy Camilla and would LOVE to slap her. Just hope those boys inherited their mum's morals.

Nell

I've made great strides in this in the past several years. It's been tough work, trying to figure myself out. But I'm mostly there.

Good for you honey. I so wish I was as strong as you.

NJgal

Love your take on our sich's. Thanks so much for being here for us.

Laura Update

EMDR

I really think this is going to help me A LOT. First session was "The Story". Yesterday was beginning some "resources" to help me cope with the pain and the anger. A little "alternate" or "new age" but I really liked it (and I'm not into any of that stuff at all- never have been). As far as I understand it, the aim is to help me firstly to stop the waves of pain and anger that come with thoughts, reflections, memories, images which hit me many times a day. It's not about forgetting, rug sweeping or minimising - it's about making the emotions manageable so I can rationally process what's happening and get back to a real life (and relationship with FWH) which is not dominated by the A. She says I am so traumatised I can't function properly in my relationships, work or home life. She says 11 months is too long to be continually dealing with the overwhelming emotional fallout and that EMDR will help me to get the emotions under control.

So once we get ME in control I will feel better. Sounds simple. Since seeing her there have been at least 4 or 5 times when the emotions began to escalate. I didn't want to feel them and was able to take control a little. Made me feel empowered which is what I need at present. I'm so tired. So very tired of the A ruling my life. What annoys me most is the small triggers which hit me every day. Poor FWH is constantly on edge that something will "happen" to set me off. The small triggers set off a chain of thoughts and memories which escalate into an atom bomb. I don't want this. I do NOT want this. So I need control!!!

Seeing her again next week and then the week after (to keep the momentum going) but will then probably only go fortnightly a couple of times after that. She says probably 6 or 8 sessions should do it!!! Here's hoping!!! She does seem VERY confident she can help me a lot.

Anyway, can't avoid the chores any more. God it was only 7am a minute ago and now it's almost 8!!!!

Love you all. Praying for a nice day/evening/night for each and every one of you

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - Every time Mr. Dishonest calls you need to get a mental image in your head of him sitting in his other house, holding his other wife and playing with his other children. Get angry....get really angry...not so that you blow up at him, but get ice cold angry so that you are a complete icicle to him. You have such a hard time being "mean" so just say little to nothing at all. Write down a few pat phrases, like "Yes, dear" and "Uh huh" and don't forget, "Whatever you say Mr. Dishonest." Then hang up the phone and forget whatever he said.

Miracle - Puffs Plus, huh? I've been using toilet paper but I may start to really pamper myself and buy some actual tissues! It says a lot about you that your house is where the kids want to gather before prom. No matter how cool your house is, if the kids didn't like you they wouldn't gather there. They could easily find another house to take pictures at. Bravo Miracle!


Just because a WS wants to R and does work towards R is no guarantee the M will be saved.
Sad, but true. I am working hard to make sure that whatever decision I make regarding staying and R or leaving this M, I make it with my head AND my heart. The problem for me is that it's pretty much 50/50 stay vs. go. I'm pinning a lot of hopes on the upcoming workshop to get to the core of my wants/needs. It will be one week...no TV, no phones...a little bit like Gilligan's Island, without the Professor!

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,
Even more advice! You lucky lady. Do not engage. Do not engage. Do not engage... letting you in on what I do when I don't want to "hear" Mr. Nell as he rambles about his work/day/business ideas (anything but relationship or kid stuff in my case)... I put the phone on speaker, read a book, magazine, newspaper, recipe or whatever and fill in any pauses with "huh!" (excited but non-committal). Then if there's a follow-up question (What do you think about that?) I'll add, "Well... It's something to think about." You can pretty much get through 99.8% of conversations with those two responses and you don't even have to listen. At first, you have to actively not listen. But eventually it's like living near railroad tracks... you just don't hear the train any longer.

The Boyos have a sleep-over at their friends' house tonight; Boyo2 is at a birthday party with WH and Boyo1 is here playing Uno with the aforementioned friend. And I am going to have a glass of wine before WH gets home, because it is after 5 p.m.

ETA: What I meant to say when I got on here. Yeesh.

WH read another couple of pages in the Help Your Spouse book. He came to me to tell me that he FINALLY gets (thanks to the graph in the book) that his A has taken a toll on my self-esteem, security, etc. So. Good movement.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 6:21 PM, April 30th (Saturday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura-
So happy to hear that EMDR may work for you!
Stress and anxiety can really do so much harm to our health.
We do need to try to get the stress under control if only for ourselves!
Infidelity is traumatic.
I know that I suffered from PTSD symptoms for years.

Strongish- The workshop...
remind me now... is your husband going also?
Is it a marriage encounter type of workshop?

Miracle-
Prom...lots of fun.
Its nice that your house is the 'hub'.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nj - The workshop that I'm going to is just for me. It's a one week session entitled "Living Centered." Actually, FWH is also going to the same workshop, but not until June. They do have a couples program, but I really wanted to go by myself, for myself. I need to make the decision that is right FOR ME. FWH has had his chance to do what was right for him....now it's time for me to do what's right for me. On one hand I'd like to be there now, on the other hand I'm worried that I'm spending a lot of $$ and will get little out of it. I have a friend and her FWH that both attended, separately as well, and they credit this workshop for making the difference in saving their M. At this point I don't have much to lose except for a bunch of money...and that is FWH's problem. If anyone wants the name, PM me. I don't want to get in trouble for putting the website on the list.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
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