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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats-
Sorry that things have not been going so well lately. Your wife seems so detached
and depressed.
It must be tough to be reminded of some of the positive things she said about the OM and the negative things she said about you.
What do you think you can do to change the same old patterns that seem to be creeping in?

girlfromipanema-
Dealing with the shock of a double betrayal must be really hard. You trusted your husband and you trusted your friend!
You were a good wife- the infidelity is more about what is lacking in him.
You said that he is in IC and also getting counseling at church. Hopefully he will begin to figure what was going on in his head/how he allowed himself to behave in such a horrible way.
Are you in IC?

Nell-Sending hugs your way.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal, I don't know that there us much I can do to change her behavior. I can and do change mine. When I realized I made a comment that upset her, I apologized for saying something that hurt her. I did not feel what I said was wrong, but I did not mean to hurt her. So I apologized. If she then choses to shut me out the rest of the night, that is her.

If I tell myself to believe her when she says or acts in a way I like, how can I believe she does not also mean the hurtful things? That us my dilemma, when do I trust she is being honest?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:39 PM, April 28th (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI all

Just popping in. FWH wants to go shopping I might just buy myself some new clothes as those from last winter don't fit

All OK at Marfan Clinic. No major changes in Aorta but we have to keep going back regularly for checks.

If anyone is interested below is a link with some good info. The condition is usually fatal if not detected so it is good if lots of people know about it.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/marfan-syndrome/DS00540

Gotta run - he's got the car keys!!!!

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, I know it is late when you show up. Glad your check went as well as could be expected.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the link, Laura!

I've got no great words of encouragement for any of you tonight, but I did read something about integrity today (yes, my latest read is Henry Cloud's book on Integrity) and character and it said something along the lines of character is having the skills and courage to deal with the reality at hand.

So, we're all building character! Yea!!!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dp

Check in honey if you are lurking. It's Fri night and I'm worried about you

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Cooking dinner. FWH, DS and DD all hovering so hard to chat.

Love you all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats...
she?
shut me out

You know it but...

Desire Builders are Open Communication

Desire Destroyers are No Communication

It's hard, but for you both to build on your relationship, she must never go silent again. Sure, you have times when you need to calm down. Me, I never again will allow my W, my kids, or anyone have a relationship with go silent. If they do, I have a boundary.

I am not going to have a relationship with someone who attempts to control me with silence.

My daughter and I just came of a big fight and she went silent. Not me these days to accept that kind of behaivor. I poked her good. Oh she blew up and I let her. That kind, nice, allowing her to take advantage of daddy was something she has never seen before. I am glad she decided to speak up after a few days.


Girlfrom... Retrou, do it.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:16 AM, April 29th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,
I'm just lurking.Completing the last of 7 job applications for this week otherwise pretty quiet on the job front with the Easter break.
WW was home @ midnight on Good Friday - since then she seems depressed & withdrawn - avoiding me most of the time.
Honestly Im detaching - dont really care atm.Just focusing on me & the children.Have booked my next cooking class - handmade pasta & sauces.
I even had 1 of the women from the last class (swapped business cards) ask me out for a drink & dinner - bit of an ego boost I must say but Im not sure if im ready to socialise with anyone yet.

I cant see our marriage surviving & in reality im lining up my ducks to formalise the separation.
I dont cry anymore but i do feel sad. Im in the best headspace Ive been in for 12 months. Swimming & running well, very little body fat, training every day & basically relaxing as i search for a job. Im relaxed & content - i really needed this break ( now how can fund this lifestyle full time without robbing a bank??

)

take care

Tribe


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WEll, H told me last night that he's done. He said he feels I'm pushing him to D. Maybe I am. I slept in the basement last night. Maybe it's time I pack up. His IC called me yesterday, he wants to talk to me today.

H says I am too wrapped up in me. I don't make him breakfast anymore. I'm disconnected. I don't ASK for sex. There was more but I don't want to bore you all. By the sounds of it, I don't do much.

He said he didn't care anymore and that he was going to do his "Own thing". I told him as long as we were still under the same roof, neither of us were going to do our "own thing." That he would have to leave the house, and then he could do whatever he pleased.

There is 2 things that he does beautifully...one is the silent treatment when he can't get his own way and the second is the defensiveness. I've been dealing with this and was hoping by him going to IC it would help. Guess not.

In reality, it's better financially if I leave. I'm kind of prepared.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((fun)))))))


Fucktard, Dickhead, Arsehole, How DARE HE!!!!

I hate what he is doing to you.

Wish I was there IRL to hug you tight.

((((((DP))))))))

I still want to slap her!!!!!!!!

DD, DS and FWH wanted to watch "THE WEDDING" tonight. I triggered badly , and couldn't stop the tears.

Unless you've been there you just don't get it!!!!!!

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Laura.

Nofun Im sorry. Looks like you, me & Allgood have married very selfish individuals who care for no one but themselves.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((HONEST)))))

(((((DP))))))

(((((FUN)))))

((((((ALLGOOD))))))


MR DISHONEST

MRS DP

MR NOGOOD

MR NOFUN

This wedding stuff just reminds me of our WS's disrespect for our vows. And Charlie - I loathe and detest that man. What a misery he must have made life for poor Di. As for Camilla -

Losing it a little tonight people. Just letting the emotions loose!!!


Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SHOPPING UPDATE

Went shopping with FWH and by the time we had done what he wanted to do (over an hour!) we needed to go home as DD had finished work. (Sound familiar???) I wanted to be with her as we don't see the children too often. So I didn't get to do any shopping.

When we got home I said to DD "let's go shopping". She said "Why not??" So we did and I bought FIVE nice new items for winter while FWH was home alone!!!!

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, super. I turned on the TV to catch the news and I get to see the waving smiling princess procession. Excuse me whilst I vomit.

Oh FFS... yes, they are clip-clopping down the road. Beautiful horses. Now will someone please tell me about the goddamn weather?!?!

Mr. Nell and I avoided one another most of the day. When he got home, he came up to me and gave me a big slobbery kiss. Then before I went to bed when I was snuggled up under a blanket (alternately watching a show I like and the inside of my eyelids), I got the following compliment: Look how cute you are!

Apparently I do "cute" well. It's the only word he uses for me. Well, that and "great cook" and "great mother."

Anyhoo... he read a couple more pages in the Linda MacDonald book of his own volition. Coincidentally (or not) I had read several pages on Acceptance in Janis Spring's forgiveness book. Her affair book sucked, but her forgiveness book is not too bad. A lot of the stuff she's talking about I have already done. So yay for me.

I think it's time for me to focus on the good things in my life for a while. Hugs all around. You guys are on my good list.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Nell

Sounds like I should be growling at Mr Nell tonight too.

Maybe it's this wedding shit in the air that is pissing us all off!!!!!

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. I am in a major jam with all these kids & scheduling this am, so here's the quickie versioin:

DeepPurple: Yay! You got asked out! That's awesome! Just go & have fun! Doesn't mean you have to have a relatinship with the person, etc. Dip the toe in the water. That's my vote anyway.

Nell: He IS trying you realize. Now, it may not be enough, but that's a different story. I've thought this in response to the last few things you were posting, but since I do enjoy your rants so much, I decided not to voice my opinion. But, really he is trying. So, a work in progress.

Laura - glad to hear your son is doing well. I will check the link.


Ats: so it gets bad, then it gets better, but are you still moving forward? What do you mean by taking a break?
Fun: I seriously don't know what to say. Where the Hell does all this come from? I thought he was really coming around after you gave him that letter, after the vacation, etc.? How are you doing?

Ok, got to go as neither my chauffeur, nor my chef, nor my personal assistant showed up today.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,
I keep forgetting the wedding is going on... guess I have "compartmentalized" that one well. I was honestly surprised when I turned it on this morning.

Aside: someone referred to the whole commoner-to-princess thing as Real Housewives of Windsor.

Allgood,
Yes, he is trying. It's not his main priority, and his head is still firmly up his ass, but when he has no other option he will give it a shot.

He needs IC, at the very least. I can deal with all the anger, etc., myself but he needs to untangle his sh!t and he thinks he's perfectly fine now that he's not balling anyone (as far as I know).

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 7:01 AM, April 29th (Friday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Hate to leave you but I'm tired and it's 10 pm here.

FWH is frisky and I'm not. Hmmm. Should be interesting.

Love to all especially those feeling extra bad tonight.

No TV, newspapers (print and online), radio for me tomorrow. I'm tired of this "getting married" crap.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun, so sorry to read your recent posts, not that you should not post, but that Mr. nofun should be such an a$$.

H says I am too wrapped up in me. I don't make him breakfast anymore. I'm disconnected. I don't ASK for sex. There was more but I don't want to bore you all.

It sounds like he is still looking to you to make him happy, to affirm him. Yes, I understand the silent treatment and the defensiveness. Of these approaches, neither gets the WS (or whoever is using them) what he or she wants. It is yet another example of pushing responsibility over to the BS to "fix" things.

Laura, so glad you could turn things around on the shopping and time with DD.

FWW is up early to watch the royal wedding. She can dream it could have been her, and count on the ways I (or or xH) are not a prince. She says she does not have interest in the wedding, but wants to "fit in" if others talk about it. Again, she is a chameleon with no real personality of her own.

If they do, I have a boundary.

Tryn, I do to. For over a year I have made clear to her, with MC's agreement, how to handle when she needs to time out for hours or days at a time. Nothing fancy, but she has never met this request.

I think I know what is going on with FWW. If it is what I think, another huge boundary is about to be violated in the next few days. I also figured out part of what is going on with me. It is not just her slipping into the old dynamic with DS18 home, this is the 1 year anniversary f her ending TT to give me the real scoop on what her A's had been after 7 months of TT. Since then it is not even TT, just nothing unless she wants to process it.

allgood, so sorry the help did not show up, they always seem to take Friday off.

Well, work and other parts of my life are doing great, so I am going to try to compartmentalize the crap in my M like FWW does, and focus on the good stuff!

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
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