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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Have read but no time to respond. Just arrived at kids place. Seeing Marfan specialist in 9 hours. 2hrs drive so have to get to bed.

FWH was an arsehole on 4 hr drive. Nothing special just being a deadshit about stupid things. GRRRRRR. He is in bed and whingeing for me to come too!!! I'm not happy with him.

Have read all. Anxiously awaiting news on Mr Nell, miracle's daily walk, DP (what's happening?). M33 's birthday celebrations and various body renovations. .

NJ thanks for being your positive self!!

Hi LS

Hi Girl

Stay strong honest

You are beautiful Fun

Love to all the boys

Gotta go

(((((tribe))))))


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura-
Keeping you in my prayers... hoping that seeing the specialist will be helpful.

Sorry to hear that FWH was acting like an idiot.

Hope all goes well.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 8:40 AM, April 28th (Thursday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Tribe,

I thought of the LTA group and all of the references to 'gators and to choosing paths when I saw this photo.

GFI, Hi and Welcome! I like the Girl from Ipanema, especially the original Stan Getz version.

Nofun, I have seen your pictures and you look Mahvaelous If you want to touch up the paint and polish the finish fine, but I do not see you as needing any body work or restoration. (m334455, same to you )

iwam, best wishes for a non-eventful day.

Laura, just because things start to get better does not mean they will be OK. I really appreciate what you are feeling. The WS starts to get it, does things right, life is feeling OK and hope is returning and then whack, the FWS is back to old style behaviors. As iwam keeps pointing out to me, it does get better again, and if it does not, well then at least you have a clear choice on what you want the rest of your life to be like. Thinking of you and hoping for positive outcomes from your visit to the specialist today.

Nell, so what is the result of the letter? Did you have to hit him with something?

njgal480, I have a question for you. When you write that your FWS did all the things he needed to do and worked hard at R, did you feel this as you were going through your 4.5 year path to R, or is this more something you see and can acknowledge looking back?

I am thinking a lot about what I want the rest of my life to be like, especially the next 20 years or so. Not just work, although that is a part of it, but who I will be, what I will be doing, where I will be, and who I will be with. This is something I would never have done prior to dday, because I thought it was a given.

--Ats

ETA: In the photo above it really looks dangerous to step off of the paved path, but in reality it is completely fine to step off the paved path on the other (left) side. It is just a matter of being aware of your choices and environment.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:30 AM, April 28th (Thursday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you mean what did Mr. Nell do? I told you... he called to thank me for the letter. Don't tell me you expected some sort of action from him?!?! I was exhausted last night so, after helping Boyo1 with his homework and playing with Boyo2 while WH sat alone watching TV in the family room after dinner, I told the Boyos to go find dad and then I took a nap (as an act of defiance, it was weak but I needed it!). He got the Boyos ready for bed after he hovered over me and I refused to get up. Then he snuggled with me last night (which meets HIS needs but not mine). This morning he said it was cool that I was getting my spring clothes out... if I spin around 20 times, tilt my head and unfocus my eyes that could appear to be a distant relative of a compliment, which would meet my needs.

I'm a little bummed that you all didn't take the bet. I could have financed new boobs with my winnings.

Allgood,
Were you watching Real Housewives of New Jersey last night? You're all street today.

OH! Speaking of watching TV... is anyone watching Top Chef Masters? Love love love it. Watched it last night when I got up from my nap to let the dog out before going back to bed (then the dog wandered the neighborhood so I stayed up much longer than I intended).

Miracle,
How are you today?

Laura,
Good luck at the Marfan specialist's office and I, too, am sorry that Mr. Laura had his asshat on during the drive.

ats,
LOVE that photo!!!!!!!!! I don't see any bicycle bits so unless the clean up truck had just been by, those gators are still hungry.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS -- thanks for the compliment and also I love your perspective on the path.

Nell:

Let me explain... no, there is too much... let me sum up:

Princess Bride!

"Life IS pain. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling you something."

Well, I'm amazed. Apparently two sessions in a tanning bed can almost completely erase 4 kids worth of stretch marks. Somebody should have told me this YEARS ago. Son of a gun.

My birthday was wonderful. My husband actually bought me a gift ahead of time, and it was what I'd asked for. He came home early, made an awesome cookout for me, and brought me FLOWERS! I know that last part sounds dumb, but he wouldn't ever bring me flowers before Dday, he flat-out refused, and, wait for it, I am a HORTICULTURIST. Oh for cryin' out loud! (And yes, I am a horticulturist/lawyer. Hard to explain but I do use both in my job.)

Impanema girl --

Hi.

Look, I can't tell you what to do, and I'm not even going to, but I will tell you this. (1) I was also involved in a double betrayal and (2) If my WH had ever or DOES ever breathe ONE WORD about OW being better than or even equal to me I would tell him to fuck off, get out, marry her and never talk to me again. I am dead-ass serious.

And having a third person in your marriage made it better? NO. NO, NO, NO and HELL NO.

I can tell you this for a FACT (unless WH's A has been secretly underground this whole time -- but even then yes, because she's at least been out of my life so it would be at least LESS of a third person) and OW was all over my life, vacations, helping me move and with the kids, blah blah blah and my marriage has been light-years better with her gone. Freakin' psycho Single White Female bunny boiler wannabe...

But I digress.

Look, I was BEYOND broken by Dday. My work and life are STILL suffering. I cried around the clock for nearly FIVE MONTHS.

But I'm almost better now, and you will be too. But, just ... don't settle. If you're strong enough to make some temporary allowance for that amazingly fog-tastic statement, then I'm impressed, but don't let that attitude last long from him.

I guess that's just about it. I'm so MAD for you. MAD, MAD, MAD.

Nell, what happened. Did it at least feel good to write a tryn-style letter to him, even with only a barely there acknowledgement?

Nell, we cross-posted. I now see "what happened" All I can say is "Iocane! I'd bet my life on it!"

[This message edited by m334455 at 10:54 AM, April 28th (Thursday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3,
BINGO!!! It would take me a couple of years to build up a resistance to iocane powder... I prefer the karma bus.

Mr. Nell is now actively not reading three books: 5 Love Languages--not started, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Selfish Asshole Dumbfuckery (right?)--half finished, and Emotional Blackmail--just started.

Meanwhile, Nell herself is using phrases IRL like "balling your whore" and "rutting like pigs" and "playing grab-ass." I took street in another direction.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had time to do a bit more catching up, and wanted to add. GFI:

Maybe our marriage was so happy because a third person was involved.

I got this from FWW in the first few months after dday. She was able to stay and put up with me because of her wonderful support from her OM. This feeling passed with time, but it took 8 - 12 months, and she was not overly involved with him romantically.

He said he never intended on leaving me for her, but he enjoyed the double life and felt ďwhat you didnít know didnít hurt you.Ē

Again, FWW said similar things. She was planning to leave me for a long time, just never got it all together. She told friends, family, OM. Everyone but me it would seem. This part I have wondered about because she did get it together to leave her first H. She also says that she told both the OM she would not marry again after leaving me. Apparently, this upset the OM, even though the last one who was married was clearly not leaving his BS to be available for M.

During the course of the affair, H says he tried to break it off with her several times ...

Again, FWW said the same thing. She would go over, have sex and explain how they could not continue, and then would feel the need to get an ego boost and call him. With the last OM I think she was more accepting of the A relationship as a part of her routine, and because there was less romantic involvement there was less pressure about ending it.

FWIW, it took my FWW 8 months to decide to end most (?) of the TT. It took nearly a year for her to decide to really commit to saving the M. For the last 6 months, she has been attending IC every other week to work on her issues, and reading many books on shame.

So, welcome and best wishes as you work through this. IT does take time. Early on FWW and I both thought that we were the poster children for quick and successful R. We are now 1.5 years into it and making progress. Our M is better than it has (ever?) been for a longtime. Still, I am looking for more to re-commit for the long term.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"balling your whore

Love it!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O & Honest & NJGal - I know you inquired how I was doing.

Been better, to be honest.

It's less mentally exhausting "on the other side", but it's still sad.

Fighting the urge to call/text/talk to him about why it is this couldn't have ended differently.

Not caving tho.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,
hugs.
It will get better every day; I know it will. Remember to take care of you and do things every day that bring you joy... even little things. Be mindful of the good.
XO-Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey all...

so far quiet day....dinner plans will be interesting...dd is working so that is one less body and now manchild has some sort of stomach issue, another body down....gots one kid left and my mom...not much of a buffer there....


allgood: i find that having the decision made alleviates that limbo shit, that wondering what will be stuff....but the in house separation when no one else knows is mentally exhausting and emotionally draining...most especially when you see the habits, you know the ones....the habits that cause you to trigger.....

come the end of school you will be free of all that crap..... another set of "stuff" will take its place....but its not as draining and as exhausting...so that is a plus....then you will develop your own routine and you will be able to settle into your new role...and hopefully happy role..

and yes its sad,.....but not for long...kkkk

laura: sorry he did arsehole well on the drive....hoping again for good news from the dr today..


ats: love and hate the picture....and i think you could figure out why..


nell: i watched a few episodes, i play catch up when i can, it is on demand...ive got too many shows and not enough time...

your ws and the letter...so what now nell...from you...what now....??? do you have a plan of sorts???


m3: you amaze me....i am not sure i want to know what else you can do either....i feel quite inconsequential right now.. ...

and i can't even say well i have the most important job in the world which i do btw...but so do you....mom...yup the most important job...

as far as green thumbing...i am currently killing another plant at this point in time....a plant i loved...it was a mini rose plant...it hasnt completely kicked the proverbial bucket yet, but i am sure it will be anytime now...if there were such a thing i am sure this plant would be on hospice care now....


had to look up iocane...princess bride...you must have just watched it recently or you are a major fan...love the movie too...


and honest: mani and pedi's...i am impressed...not i...

i actually have a gift cert for a massage, back and foot since valentines day....need to find a couple of hours and go for it...


tomorrow nite i was planning on girls nite out....apparantly my dd was planning the same thing..only she decided that girls nite out should be at my house...(very cute)....so my plans are on hold...i would have to be stupid to leave a bunch of teens alone....even though i know my mom is here and pfm are here...i still don't feel right about it...so home i stay

and btw i am very proud of my dd...she is doing this because of a couple of girls in her club from school are having some issues and she felt like this would do them good...she is so mini-me!!!

and then i find out that this club she joined...the lead club...its for support of handicapped peeps...turns out most of the members of the club all have some sort of handicapp to boot...she is the only "normal" kid in it....so these handicapped kids started their own club to benefit the different issues they each face and my dd is kind of like the mascot of the group.. ...she says that the leader of the group is forever pointing out that she is the normal one and get her pov on the many issues they take on....some of these kids have high functioning autism among the learning disabilities.... i am quite blessed that all of my kids are "normal"...


later peeps..


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-glad to hear that you are doing ok.
Try to remind yourself of all of the despicable things that your STBXH has done over the past years and all of the things he said on this last visit. The fact that he is totally unrepentent about any of his behavior and in fact feels entitled to continue trolling for new affair partners!
He is an example of a completely unremorseful WS and without any remorse there is no chance of any reconciliation.
I'm sorry that you and your boys have to deal with such a heartless man but... it's not too late for you to find happiness and peace.
Stay strong.

Ats- About what my husband did...how he reacted.
Well...after stumbling upon a suspicious email I confronted him in the office of my IC! ( I had seen this therapist over the last few years due to a serious issue that I was dealing with one of our children. I also deiscussed my marriage and my husband's detached, depressed, negative behavior and of course his drinking problem, etc.)
Knowing how avoidant he can be I felt that I needed an impartial 3rd party there for the confrontation in order to keep him from running out the door!
Well, he of course minimized-did not admit to a PA at all that day. Later that night when I forced him to write a NC email and then follow up with a phone call-I realized that it was much more than inapproriate emails.
By midnight that night he confessed to a five yr long PA! I went into shock for a day. And then I kicked him out of the house and changed all the locks on the doors!

He was very remorseful from day one-crying and expressing how sorry he was for doing this and repeating how the MOW meant nothing to him and that he only loved me. He also called and emailed everyday begging and pleading for me to take him back. He also wrote me a long letter expressing how horrible he feels about what he is putting me through and how sorry he was etc. etc.
I went berserk- I told everyone about the LTA, contacted the MOW, contacted her husband and even met up with him in person to exchange email evidence.
I outted the affair to co-workers and to my husband's boss ( I had known many of these people for 30 yrs.Husband had only met MOW 6 yrs earlier).
My husband also got sober right after d-day and started attending AA meetings-90 meetings in 90 days at first and then 2-3x per week for years afterward. It's 4 and 1/2 yrs now and he still goes to AA at least once per week.
He also started going to IC immediately-at first he went 2x per week for 6 months! That's what an emotional wreck he was! He also needed to go to a psych and get meds for anxiety! He continued in IC for a total of 1 and 1/2 yrs.
For my husband..it was almost as if he was just as shocked at his behavior as I was! Like d-day woke him up from some kind of fugue-like state.
He also continued emailing me regularly and was totally transparent from day one by opening up all of his cell phone records, passwords, credit card bills etc.
I refused to talk to him except for late night phone calls when I would call him and scream at him with more gross evidence that I would find out about the nature of the LTA and very inappropriate things the MOW had done. For ex. she showed up at MY father's funeral.
My husband took it all and continued pleading for me to give him another chance.
I filed for divorce. But later, withdrew the divorce complaint when I became convinced that my husband had made enormous changes in himself in a very short time and he seemed extremely remorseful and very sincere in his declarations of love for me.
He did other things like contacting both of my children and apologizing to them, as well as contacting my sister to apologize to her (she and I are very close).
He sent flowers to a co-worker of mine who he knew had totally covered for me at work while I was in the middle of my emotional breakdown and could not function at all at work.
So, no matter how crazed I was-he basically never gave up about trying to win me back.
Like M33- I cried every single day for a year. Mostly driving in the car to and from work.
I'm sure there are still regular commuters who remember the woman that they would see every day driving down the highway crying her eyes out.
So... that's a little glimpse into the craziness that went on in th NJ household.
Oh... we also went to MC for 6 months and I continue to go to IC-all these years later.
So.. a lot of stuff.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal --

Thanks so much for all the time you spend taking care of us. I'm also touched that you remembered that the first 5 months where I cried ALL day every day was by no means the only crying I did. Thousands of hours. No exaggeration there. THOUSANDS.

I told my sister he might as well be dead. I still doubt I'll grieve when he dies. Who knows -- but I feel like I might just have done it all already. I once responded to a post that it no longer really matters to me what happens because on some level I'm already dead. And a few other posters thanked me for the statement because they felt that way themselves and had been too afraid to express it.

I do know that I'm still going to have a great life though!

I also know that The Pharaoh needs me to cook him some bacon RIGHT NOW.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks njgal480,

With that sort of effort there would seem to be little room left for doubt that he was owning it and trying to make amends.

He did other things like contacting both of my children and apologizing to them, as well as contacting my sister to apologize to her (she and I are very close).
He sent flowers to a co-worker of mine who he knew had totally covered for me at work while I was in the middle of my emotional breakdown and could not function at all at work.

FWW and I have discussed her apologizing infront of me and her DDs and sister, but nothing so far. She tells me she has apologized to each of them for putting them in a difficult position, but not in my presence. We have talked about her apologizing to my folks, but nothing. She avoided seeing my most supportive friend when we travelled in January. Rather than apologize to my staff who covered for me for a year, she makes comments about how the two women employees "want me" she can see it in their looks. She does IC every other week, but is quick to cancel a session.

I guess this is more of the day late and a dollar short I have consistently complained about. yes, her actions are better than a FWS trying to rug sweep and move on, but there do ssm to be more concrete things she could so to try to make amends.

Lately, I am getting a lot of "we both had crap and issues to deal with". She is quick to point out problems my sister has has proof my family was messed up just like hers.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so what now nell...from you...what now....??? do you have a plan of sorts???

Good question. I feel like I don't have a swaggering-don't-let-the-door-hit-ya-in-the-ass plan but more of a small-steps-toward-the-door-while-looking-behind-me-the-whole-way plan. Eventually I'll get to the door. I think I'm more than halfway there right now. Does that make sense? I'd rather have the swagger but at least I feel like there's movement. (Even even it's just personal growth... like researching meetup.com groups.)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats-
It's too bad that your wife doesn't realize how helpful that public apology and acknowledgement of her betrayal would be for you.

I know it helped me to know that he was willing to face everyone and admit to how he had hurt me and state how much he wanted to make amends to me and everyone.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal480,

yeah, it often feels like she is apologizing to them for staying with me. When FWW was bitching about what an a$$hole I was, her DDs, sister, and best friend could join in and agree, and often blame me for their problems too. Now that FWW is not leaving me, is not bad-mouthing me, it is as though she has to apologize for her inconsistency.

She says any problems between me and her DDs or our DSs are my issues to work out with them. She hopes I can, but she says they were hurt by the way I treated them. No, it is their perceptions of how they were treated being filtered through a Mother with BPD traits and other issues. (Dad is just mad, and so he is taking it out on you by telling you to pick up your room/ mow the grass/ do laundry/ put away dishes/ etc. Don't worry, I will do it for you, or have you come run errands with me instead.) I treated the kids fine, I just wasn't their best friend like FWW tried to be.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
girlfromipanema
♀ Member
Member # 30976
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Members of the tribe,

In the midst of all this ugliness we are going through, I am incredibly impressed with the humor and compassion for each other found within this thread. I adore each of you already.

I need to work on writing a synopsis for my profile. The thought of expending so much energy drains me before I even begin! I did belong to two other forums and posted my story in depth, but I donít think many people understand the complexities of a LTA. Thatís why Iím so grateful to have found this place.

Iím MAD for me too, because I was such a loving, giving wife (not saying I was perfect). I think a lot of men would be happy to have me. Iím also MAD because I was a very supportive, caring friend to OW. For those two people, who were so important to me, to be able to do what they did is really unthinkable. To be fair to my husband, the first year of our marriage was very difficult and I wasnít ready to be married (I was a mess), but I was always a loving, caring, giving friend to OW. So, thereís a part of me that can understand how my husband got himself into this situation, but I canít understand how a friend could do this to another friend when she was nothing but genuine and caring and supportive. You know? Maybe thatís why Iím more angry at OWÖ

Iím at a phase where Iím trying to figure out which husband is real. The one I fell in love with or the one who did what he did for so long.

We donít have kids and Iím still relatively young, but I love(d) this man with my heart and soul. I donít think his affair has to define him and I want to give him a chance to show me who he really is. Other days I want to give up and start my life anew.


Married: 8 Years
Me: BS
Husband had LTA (5 years) with former close friend of mine.
Attempting Reconciliation

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A quiet evening in LTA.

FWW is not talking to me tonight. I made a comment earlier this evening that upset her, and she just shut down. I apologized a few minutes later, she responded "it's not a problem". She spent the rest if the night ignoring me and hanging out with our DSs. She is sleeping in the couch tonight. Back to the same behaviors. Late nights or weekends at work are becoming common. Shutting me out if I make her mad. A weird night last night with a back rub and more, but all very mechanical, little talking. We had cut back on our drinking, but she had a few beers tonight that I know of. She will have another late day at work tomorrow. She did seem to get her things prepared for her IC session tomorrow. I have spent the evening recalling the things she wrote in her disclosure a year ago. How good sex with the last OM was. How she longed to be with the previous OM. Thinking how since dday she has quit working out. How her health and looks are going down hill.

I think I need a break. Some time to recharge and think.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

impanema:

Iím at a phase where Iím trying to figure out which husband is real. The one I fell in love with or the one who did what he did for so long

the answer is simple really, they are both real, 2 parts of the same person....most people have different facets to their personalities, showing different facets to different people and sich's....like you are one person to your spouse, another to your parent and still another to you co-worker...all the facets have many commonalities, but are still different...you need to be different for each person you encounter, some "see" your humor, others see your responsible side and still others get to know your ocd side....and for the most part there is no one person who gets to "see" it all, but hopefully if you are an open and honest person, most people "do" "see" most of you....enough of you to know who you really are way down deep...

anyways...he is both....and that is something that you need to keep in mind...he cannot get rid of the cheating side of him anymore then he can get rid of the "good" side...he needs to find out who he is as well.....

to be able to carry on with a lta someone has to learn how to lie proficiently, someone has to pull off an incredible acting job...and know how to snow someone else....to be able to do that takes alot of not good stuff....and is usually based with issues....and if the issues are not addressed the behavior cannot be dealt with to the satisfaction that you will need....

you need to know that he "gets" it ALL, what he did, how it made you feel, the risks he took, the toll it took and he needs to be able to get to the bottom of his 'why'.....if these things do not take place then you will not feel safe with him...and that is the bottom line....unless of course you put yourself into some major denial, you will never feel safe til he does what you need....


and definitely post your profile...start with the beginning and do a little each time...it will do you good to get it out....and if you can manage to get it all out, over time you will be able to see your progression if you post updates....

and yes we all have humor...lots of it whenever we can...laughter is truly the gateway to happiness i think or at the very least a wonderful distraction and food for the soul...


eta: laura how did it go with the dr today?

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:19 PM, April 28th (Thursday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

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