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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
girlfromipanema
♀ Member
Member # 30976
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Tribe,

I’m not a new member, but haven’t posted much yet.

First of all, I’d like to wish M3 a Happy Birthday.

Now I’ll give you a little bit of background on my situation and hope you’ll welcome me to this unlucky club.

H and I have been married 6 1/2 years. In December I found out that he’s been having a five year affair with a co-worker (we all work together) and former close friend of mine (so I get to belong to the LTA club and the Double Betrayal Club – hooray!).

I had suspicions several years ago, but H and OW both gaslighted me like crazy and took their affair deep underground. OW and my friendship ended as a result. H and I briefly separated, but he asked me to come home and for the past several years I thought we had a beautiful and happy marriage. Then on December 17, OW’s boyfriend dropped the bomb on me and told me everything. Apparently OW grew tired of waiting for my husband to leave me for her and decided to expose the affair.

After D-Day my h was very conflicted. He said he loved us both. I asked if it was a 50/50 love and he said he loved us “differently” – the way I love both of my animals, but in different ways. Ouch and yuck. He said many cruel things to me in the immediate days following exposure (such as “My greatest joy is making you happy. Unfortunately my other greatest joy is making her happy.” and “Maybe our marriage was so happy because a third person was involved.”)

He said he never intended on leaving me for her, but he enjoyed the double life and felt “what you didn’t know didn’t hurt you.” During the course of the affair, H says he tried to break it off with her several times but she would become irate and threaten to ‘take everyone down with her.’

In the midst of this turmoil, OW was working from home rather than coming to the office. Then, because my husband was sticking to NC with her, she decided to retain an attorney and threaten to file a sexual harassment lawsuit. Good for our reconciliation because he is beyond pissed.

We are trying to work through things, but it’s been difficult to say the least. We’ve also had several life events ‘get in the way’ of actively recovering (overseas trips, family visiting, work crises – even beyond her threatened lawsuit).

I know the OW will contact him again and I don’t know if I can trust him to tell me. I know I need to get tougher with my requirements. We’re expecting his father (who lives overseas) for a two week visit beginning this Saturday. I told H last night that after this visit, he can expect a huge change in how this ‘recovery’ is taking place.

You’ll notice I don’t refer to my husband as WH or FWS. I’m weird about labels. A little more about us: I’m 38, he’s 36. We’re an interethnic couple (he’s from SE Asia and I’m American). We started dating in October 2001, married in August 2004. People tell me I’m attractive. H is very attractive. OW is attractive but older (44) and I don’t think she measures up to me, to be honest. I despise her.

[This message edited by girlfromipanema at 2:24 PM, April 27th (Wednesday)]


Married: 8 Years
Me: BS
Husband had LTA (5 years) with former close friend of mine.
Attempting Reconciliation

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Happy Birthday M33

Fun

You are gorgeous!!! Do some stuff from M33's list and go buy some new clothes and makeup. Have a nice facial and get a professional to do your face. Works wonders!!!

Gators are ferocious this week my friends - bosses are away and I'm in charge 600 kids and 60 staff so the pressure is on.

As well going with DS to see specialist tomorrow for Marfan check and I am seeing my EMDR lady Sat. I will be lurking and thinking of you all.


Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi girlfromipanema

Sorry we cross posted.

Welcome.
I can't stay but I'm sure my friends will be along shortly to give you some support. You've come to a great place!!!

BIG HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have an appt. for botox tomorrow!! I made the appt. last week....how weird is that! I may just add a few more "details" in order to keep in the spirit of m3's list. I'll let you know how it all turns out.

Ipanema - Welcome to LTA. We are a very chatty bunch, but truthfully it's only because we really care about each other. This is a place of safety for you to vent and cry. No one judges how you are handling your sich....we've all been where you are. Some of the details may be different, but at the end of the day we all feel betrayed. Post when you feel like it but know that someone will be here to listen.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, girl!

I just sent Mr. Nell a tryn-inspired letter about yesterday/this morning's trainwreck. I am willing to place bets that he will thank me and do nothing further. Any takers? Keep you posted.

Laura,
I thought they were crocodiles where you are?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33-
Happy Birthday!

Allgood-
Sorry that things have worked out this way. I just can't understand why your husband has given up on the marriage.Is it really as simple as that? That he doesn't want to do any of the hard work? or is there something else?
I wonder if the OW is totally out of the picture. The homewrecker could still be involved to some extent and he is still 'foggy'.
Not sure that he wants to give up the perks of his 'bachelor' lifestyle in order to save his family.

Nell- I'm sorry that your husband is not stepping up to plate either.
As Tryin always says (and I agree with him!) the WS has to show true remorse for the infidelity and be willing to do anything and everything to save the marriage.
Without that level of commitment reconciling from a LTA is extremely difficult.

Can the WS ever make amends for the damage of the LTA? maybe not..but, they can keep on trying!

I know that is the only reason that I was able to reconcile. My husband never gave up. He took whatever I threw at him! And sometimes I really did throw objects at him. He just continued every day reassuring me, making amends in all the big and little things that he does for me every day, being 100% transparent about everything-cell phone, computer, you name it.
Everything about our lives has changed. All of his toxic friends are out of our life. We surround ourselves with people that are friends of our marriage and we do a ton of things together.

But, having said that... I have to tell the newbies- or newer LTAers that it has taken me over 4 and 1/2 to get to this place.
My husband has continued to be very proactive for over 4 and 1/2 yrs.
Like I always say...getting over a LTA takes a long time..even if your WS is doing everything right.

Honest- How have you been?
You are already a beautiful woman-both inside and out.

And for myself... I have also become a much more high maintenance girl.
I used to be low maintenance. The kids, house, etc. everything came first-but no more.

Laura- Good luck with the EMDR. I hope you find it helpful.

Strongish- Good luck with the botox. Keep us posted.

girlfrom ipanema-
welcome to the club none of us ever wanted to join.
I am sorry for all that you have been dealing with.I think your plan is good. Wait until after your father in laws visit to begin implementing the 180.
IMHO a tough love approach is your only hope to get your foggy husband to wake up.
He has been a cake eater for so many years....
Have you read 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass?
Have you had a chance to read in the Healing Library here on SI? Look for it on the left in the yellow rectangle/click on Healing Library and then on articles.Read as much as you can about the value of the 180.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 6:25 PM, April 27th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal,
I'm so glad you posted. I'm so discombobulated/uncombobulated/recombobulated lately that I have a hard time deciding where to put my socks.

Hey. Girl. Post again.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M - Happy Birthday - enjoy every minute of today. ( ok I'm late sorry)

Dip - I've lost that much weight with the LTA diet I've shrunk 2 cup sizes on my bra
Lipstick - gloss or matt finish ?

Girl - welcome & make yourself at home. So sorry about yr situ.

Nell - low/high maintenance what does it matter - inside & out you are a beautiful woman.

Laura - thank you for PM. Take care.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just lost a lengthy post and doubt I can re-compose it so I'll just {{{LTA}}} and wish M3 happy birthday again!

Like Nell, I am

discombobulated/uncombobulated/recombobulated lately that I have a hard time deciding where to put my socks.

Sending Laura strength to fend off those 'gators and breeze through the upcoming commitments for herself & DS.

Welcome girlfromipanema. You will find great support here as we all have each other's backs whether we are present or lurking.

Miracle... you are an inspiration and I wish I told you that more often instead of just thinking it.

going to "submit" before I lose this and read some more...


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, people. I've just gotten the "thank you for the letter" phone call. You've got about 15 minutes to place bets on any subsequent actions. Odds against follow-through: 15,092 to 1.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
girlfromipanema
♀ Member
Member # 30976
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the welcome, all. As I mentioned in my first post, I'm not quite new to my current life situation, but I'm feeling rather exhausted by it.

It's hard to find the words sometimes. Other times I can't stop the thoughts. You know?

I do miss my full, lovely breasts. I've lost a lot of weight and it's coming off my chest. The funny thing is, I'm eating now but the weight keeps dropping off. At almost 5'6" and 120 pounds (a couple of days ago I weighed in at 115), I'm not fat, but I do have some trouble zones - like my thighs, yet my body melts fat from my boobs instead? So not fair.

By the way, I have read "Not Just Friends" - and several others including "After the Affair" (puke) and "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me". I guess my h's affair could be a great thing for me too if I created a business out of it, but I'm too exhausted to do that now.

My H agreed to read anything I asked, but he's not making much progress. Last I checked he was on page 156 of NJF and that was several months ago. He recently agreed to attend Retro, though I don't know how I feel about it. I might prefer MC, but my h is so closed off that I don't know if he'd open up in front of a third person. I'm just really tired of being the one to do all of the legwork in our marriage.

Other than being emotionally exhausted, I'm doing pretty well. I'm glad to have found a group that knows what I'm going through (and won't judge me), though I'm sorry each of us are here.


Married: 8 Years
Me: BS
Husband had LTA (5 years) with former close friend of mine.
Attempting Reconciliation

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2011
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - you made my day. I've done lots of those things on your list including the botox. I'm getting a 2nd opinion with a plastic surgeon because the first one didn't think I needed that face lift.

Miracle - tell me about the tummy tuck! You look "fabulous".


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish - I'm not sure I'll do botox again. It felt kind of funny afterwards...your muscles in your face get paralized! YIKES!!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

girlfromipanema-
absolutely no judgements here. We've all been where you are today. Wondering how we could be possibly even consider reconciling after a LTA?
Well, until you have been there you cannot understand it-that's why it's hard to discuss this with IRL friends-they just don't understand what you are going through.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome girlfromipanema (one of my favorite songs too)

Dip and deep: You made me laugh!! Deep, it should be lip gloss at this time of the year!!

Hugs to everyone. I'm just being introspective and getting over a cold and bronchitis.

Laura: I hope the gators/crocs stay away from you!

Nell: I hope your WH does the right thing this time!

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ipanema: welcome to our corner of si....and hon you are still considered a newbie....hell, it takes as long as you have been here and then some just to not feel so damned overwhelmed with it all....there are still days that i cannot believe all that happened that i was unaware of for so so long....

i am glad you are eating...sorry you are losing your full boobs...mine totally deflated and they weren't much to begin with....they are quite the sight now.. ...but thank god for bra's that support and lift....so when i am in my bra they look normal...

anyways, like i said i am glad you are eating, i hope there are some healthy foods in your diet as well as some treats, you deserve some treats...

i hope you are also exercising, seeing an ic for yourself and mc for both you and your h......this is a long process no matter what you decide....

deciding: don't....wait at least 6 months from d-day or longer depending on your ability to "see" what you want, or i should say what you "need"....


i think you could also set some ground rules now, immediately to your h, no need to wait for your fil to leave.....yes for some of the stuff you may need to do, like scream, rant and rave...but your list of needs should be in his hands asap....there is no need to put those on hold for anything short of death or life altering event...

which brings me to the next item on your to do list...take care of you in every way possible....every way...

i am so sorry that you are here and so happy you found us.....

i have not yet read your profile, so i will reserve my questions until i do....with one exception...has he come completely clean with you from the getgo in december, obviously he didn't when you first suspected all those years ago...but did he at least do that now???...if he did, that is a major plus towards reconcilliation...


fun: love love love my tummy tuck,...but iwill tell you if you think the botox felt funny...me thinks the tummy will feel funnier...it has lost alot of sensation, its taken me quite a long time to get used to the way it feels now....but i did, there are still moments though that i catch myself unawares like if i get an itch and i scratch my tummy, the odd feeling just catches me off guard because i forget...and from what i understand that may stay like that permanently...the trade off TO ME is worth it...even now when i gain a few pounds which i did over the xmas holidays (still have not dropped it, dammit)...my tummy is still flat..

and fun, i have seen you in person, you are a totally beautiful woman....totally...


strong: definitely keep us posted on the botox...

and you go girl and do what you need to do for you....its empowering knowing you can and you did..


nell:

discombobulated/uncombobulated/recombobulated lately

you mean this is not a normal state for you....how do you get rid of it...i struggle all the time and cant seem to get my bobulates straight...

ooh...bob u late....i think i won't go there..at least right now....bob is late...may have to revisit that one later..


ferocious gators and 600 kids...worse case scenario take the rotten of the 600 and feed them to the gators...it may keep some shit quiet for a bit anyways...
dip and purple: i will not ask about the lipstick ...honest, i won't ask....i pinky swear!!!


laura: i hope all goes well with ds...you are an amazing pillar of strength...i am in awe of you, i honestly give you many many kudos for doing all that you do and mostly for not crawling back in bed and hiding under the covers...except of course when you are crawling back with company..


waving at ya soul...


waving to to you to honest...i think you need to post at least every nite for awhile just so that we see you...we need to connect with you....and vice versa...


waving at ya njgal....yes its taken 4 and half years....and you are beginning to feel real happiness again....so the journey can have ahappy ending....like ukgirl says...

lta=long term recovery...and that is NO LIE....and that goes for no matter what the outcome...whether you r or d.....


(((tribe)))


i get to celebrate 22 years of lies tomorrow...yippee...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle,
Good luck tomorrow. I hope you have a day of peace. (I think that is best case scenario, yes?)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, April 27th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES nell that would be the best case scenario..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Girlfromimpanema!

Nell: wat up with the cliffhanger? What did your H say about your letter?

Miracle: Happy Un-anniversary. I do hope you get through it drama-free.

AIght. Got to go.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, April 28th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I hope you had a wonderful birthday and your ankle feels better. It sounds like you have a decent boss.

Laura: I hope that your visit with dr for DS went well. How is MIL doing? You have a lot to deal with right now, so don't just lurk, but vent here!!

Nell: Did WH follow through? It is so tough to do a 180 and then having to worry about what the WS is doing because we want to make a decision so we know where we are going and not just drifting along. Damn.

Allgood: How are you holding up? Any news of Mr. Nogood's apt hunting?

NJgal: You've gone through so much and have worked so very hard to get where you are. You've been baptized by fire and now I pray that you are enjoying life to its fullest. You deserve it. Thank you for all the advice and support you give us.

Strongish: let us know how the botox goes. Good luck!

Miracle: I, too, wish you a day of peace. Make it your day as much as possible, and treat yourself to something nice.

I've never been "high maintainance" either but have had some mani/pedi's lately. Now I need a total makeover including my psyche!

Have a great day Tribe!


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