Tryn: thanks for your pep talk.
I am bummed about the agreement. Bummed that there is little to no reaction from Nogood. After I signed the agreement today I sent him atext to tell him I did & that he was now free to pursue whatever it is that makes him happy. Childish, I know, but it's a huge improvement over what I wanted to say.
No response to that either.
I think this whole thing would have been far simpler had he not given me mixed messages. If he had just said, you know, for whatever reason, this isn't for me anymore, let's go our separate ways. But, don't tell me you love me, don't want this, etc. and act this way. I'm going to chalk it all up to the fact that he must just be too much of a coward to say it directly. His feelings are gone as they have been. He was into saving our marrige when it meant a lot of good things, like more date nights, more sex, etc., but once it got down to the nitty gritty, he just wasn't interested.
Peace to all.
all along his intentions were defeatest and that you could not let it go was what he could not and would not deal with.....
from the getgo his tune stayed the same, he does love you the best he knows how, he does want the marriage he just doesn't want to do what it takes....so in his head its you ending it because he will not do it on your terms....he is quite stupid for so so many reasons as are many of our ws's....they have to be willing to meet the expectations we set forth after d-day because anything less will never work for us.....we may tolerate less for a while, but when we do we never find that safe happy place we long for.....
I guess what I want is to be compensated in some way -- but that's not possible.
no, its not possible, making amends for this is just not a realistic expectation or goal....having said that it does not mean that the perpertrator does not have to try anyways...this is not something that can be "made up" to someone, but the perpertrator still has to show remorse doing, showing action whilst if could never make it up, it helps find the forgiveness knowing that the perpertrator is truly sorry....because it means that on some level they "get" what they did...so it can't make it up to us but it can show us that they "know" what they have done...and again the amends, or restitution has to match the crime...
nell: you are hot...and he needs to work at the marriage, at being a better husband...
foo issues are as deep as they can be...rooted from birth...not easy to undo the damage if ever....and i am not sure that the damage ever gets undone, like the infidelity cannot be undone...but the issues caused from it need to be identified and dealt with on an emotional level, if they are not dealt with they will not be resolved resulting in more bad behavior coming forth....
ok, gots to go get scrawny boy from school now...
I'm going to chalk it all up to the fact that he must just be too much of a coward to say it directly. His feelings are gone as they have been. He was into saving our marrige when it meant a lot of good things, like more date nights, more sex, etc., but once it got down to the nitty gritty, he just wasn't interested
allgood, I think this is very insightful, and probably accurate.
Crappy day today. Why? FWH got a call last night on his cell. He picks up the phone in the room next to where I'm watching the tube and enthusiastically greets the caller and says, "Are you just back from XYZ country?" (Same country OW lives in and where most of their meetings were) He says this as he's walking out of the house to talk outside in the back yard. I'm ashamed to say that I tried to hear what I could of the conversation, but I couldn't hear much. I did gather enough to guess that he was talking to another pilot friend, one that flies to same countries as FWH used to and where OW (flight attendant for same airline) is. So, I'm wondering....why does he need to go outside?
He finishes the conversation in the house but FWH never volunteers who is calling or what they're calling about. I stewed about it all night and this morning I asked FWH to explain to me who had called and why he felt the need to go outside to talk. He confirmed that it was his pilot friend and said that he went outside just to walk while talking (Actually this is a habit of his). He says he didn't even think how it would be a trigger for me to hear the country talked about or that I would wonder why he was going outside to talk. Honestly, and sadly, I think that that is true. He just doesn't think. He doesn't see the triggers unless they are pointed out to him. He genuinely feels bad afterward, but this is tearing me up.
The forgiveness book brought up a good point....Something along the lines of, when the WS holds themselves fully accountable for the transgression, then the BS will no longer feel like they have to. One aspect of this is for the WS to pay attention to what might be a trigger for the BS and address it before the BS even has a chance to. The fact that my FWH can't or doesn't do this makes me feel like my feelings are just not as important as the other things he is paying attention to. And while I was used to making excuses for that before DDay, I'm not so willing to now.
So, I had my meltdown but instead of feeling better I feel like it's hopeless. I want the numbness back!!
Now it is up to him to not do that kind of stuff again.
When or if he does it again, You stop him, and tell him how what he is doing make you feel. It makes you feel unsafe. If he continues, then for sure, he does not care about how you feel. Divorce the rat bastard.(A friend reminded me this week about those rat bastards)
Oh heck Nell, you're already the La Princesa de la Salsa!
[This message edited by trynhard at 8:28 PM, April 26th (Tuesday)]
m3: have a very happy birthday tomorrow yung'in...36 feels like eons ago...i hope you gots some nice plans that include some pampering and being waited on...
You are still young. FWW was 37 when we got married and started our family.
I had a meeting with my boss because I'm behind at work, and right before that I twisted my ankle in the hall and sprained my foot -- so it's a crazy day, but I am going to do something just for me, go home early and grill out because the weather here in DC has been fabulous. Usually spring goes from too cold to too hot overnight, so a few weeks of decent weather this time of year is a huge treat.
Hugs to the tribe! I'm going to finish up my work things and get in a little M3 time :)
Oh -- no fun:
I also feel like I've aged 10 years. I look in the mirror and wonder what happened to that woman who had self esteem, was confident, liked herself and liked the way she looked.
make sure your bra fits right.
make sure your pants fit right
highlights and the right haircut
spider vein removal
medium term fixes
weight lifiting plus 25 mins of cardio 6 days a week
drinking lots of water
using lots of body lotion
eating better foods
I have had plastic surgery once -- I broke my nose and had it changed a little (bump taken off) when it was being fixed.
I think miracle had a tummy tuck last year too.
my experience was positive overall, but not so positive that I wouldn't do every non-surgical thing first before considering it...
I think making extreme self care a priority after Dday is a great idea. it can be a hard habit to get into -- but if anyone has earned the right to become "high-maintenance" it's you :)
I'm sorry about your ankle! I hope it feels better soon.
Lol, I read your list and thought to myself "I have to do it all to look decent again!"
My boss was very nice today. She said the important thing is that I'm actively getting help and working to get better. She also agreed with me that it takes time, it's not smart to rush into making any decisions and that my "extreme" reaction is not extreme considering the circumstances. It's not often a (then 34) year old woman finds out her husband has been involved in an affair for 20+ years. It just takes time.
Did I mention that WH invited me to a trainwreck last night (Lead topic: I am not meeting his need to call him repeatedly throughout the day and answer his calls immediately when he's bored at work to make him feel important and loved), and I decided that it would be good idea to not only join right in, but to wallow around in the mud and pigsh!t as long as I was there. Tired and cranky today, though I got quite a few zingers out and feel less ragey than I did yesterday at this time. But more eyerolly.
Oh, it was hours of fun. I just luuuurv talking to Mr. Nell. He's soooooooooo supportive and strong when it comes to my pain... not at all a defensive baby weiner ass-talker.
Let me explain... no, there is too much... let me sum up: At the end of it, Mr. Nell was boohoohoo-ing on me about how "I'm the best thing that ever happened to him" and I said, look, this is going to be hard work... what we're doing is NOT WORKING. (...pause while he tries to see if there's a way to make me backpedal or if it would be better just to agree, seeing as how I'm not giving him any actual work to do...) "Okay."
So this morning I called him per his needs. Then, receiving nothing in return, I texted him a compliment to myself. To which he responded with an eloquent version of "Yeah, right + i luv u + smiley-face emoticon." Pitter-patter, pitter-patter.
Happy birthday. Take care of that ankle.
Now about that list. I will make sure my bra fits right but I am not changing to pink lipstick! I prefer darker colors.
I know I am a day or so late but you are HOT. Smokin HOT!
Feel better now?
Hugs to the tribe.
1. Thank you.
2. It's spring. Darker lip-colors should really be used only in the fall and winter.
(m3, worry not... this is not a pet peeve... I don't even know if it's true.)