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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning.

Nell: That's great news! I'm happy for you.

Honest: YAY!!!!!!
Now, seriously, give yourself no more than 4 weeks to recover from this crap & start moving on the finances. It sounded like you needed to follow up with him on details. Then, once they are in place, get an agreement prepared & send it to him BEFORE OW TAKES ALL HIS MONEY!
I'm totally serious.
Sounds like the shit's gonna hit the fan soon there, and while I realize that he probably has the upper hand there as far as custody & support, etc., I still think you need to get your foot in the door first. (And - btw - I wonder if his request for you to backdate a separation agreement had anything to do with trying to minimize his financial obligations to OW. If so, if OW has pissed him off & he's looking to screw her, he may be far more generous to you in your agreement thinking wonderful Honest would never screw him, maybe he'll agree to a bunch of stuff he thinks you won't enforce just to screw OW?)
Awful lot of speculation, I know, but the point is to follow up quickly so you don't have this hanging over your head for so long.

DeepPurple: Good luck on your interviews. I have new respect for you. I just don't know how you have co-existed with your W being less than discrete while you still have feelings for her.

Dip: Thank you for sharing with us!
I must admit, I am prone to hissy fits myself. They are not pretty. You did the right thing. I have to say, if my H even appeared to give a shit when I voice a complaint, however, or tried to diffuse the situation, they would be cut short. I agree with what you said to Ats about things building up & then something non-monumental becomes the last straw.
So, Dip - how are you today?

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 4:56 AM, April 15th (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hissy fits... I go directly into hissy fits when WH meets my attempts to discuss anything with defensiveness. Which he does each time I attempt to discuss anything.

The book... I forgot to mention that the book quotes Shirley Glass quite a few times. I really really hope that WH follows through and finishes it. Don't start celebrating quite yet, my friends. I will keep you posted.

dp,
I don't think WH has ever felt truly grateful for anything. Certainly not for an extended period of time. I think he feels lucky for a couple of minutes when he gets something he didn't expect, but that feeling goes away quickly and he's back to focusing on how unfair it is that he didn't get something even better. Entitled dick syndrome. It's unhealthy and I hate it, and I don't even think he notices that he's doing it.

honest,
Damn, these people are smart! You need to follow their directions. And I need a LTA Tribe app that I can plug into my phone for any random issues that I come across. Plug in a situation (Should I take a side trip to see a friend while on my upcoming business travel?) and see what the tribe says.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I must have missed something.....what is the book that has everyone so excited about??

ETA - I bought "How Can I Forgive You?" to read this weekend. Going to visit DS24 in CA so I'll have time on the plane.

[This message edited by strongish at 6:18 AM, April 15th (Friday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I need a LTA Tribe app that I can plug into my phone for any random issues that I come across.

Have fun on your trip Strongish.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

had some dreams last nite.....about....

argyle underwear...!!!


may have to get a pair for myself..

had another great walk today..


spring break for my boys begins today at the end of school...

have yet to hear from my dd on how she did sleeping in her box..


strong: have a safe flight...enjoy your visit..

nell: crossin fingers that his eyes keep on readin...

honest: YAY and YAY and YAY...did i say YAY....im hopin more the door hits his ass on the way out a here!!!


have a great day tribe...

(((tribe)))

oh, and if you find that app let me know i will get me a new phone for it...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish,
It's a book by Linda MacDonald called "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" or something. Amazon shipped it in about a week. I bought it at the same time I bought the forgiveness book.

Just got back from a meeting at Boyo1's school to discuss his recent ADHD diagnosis and accommodations for next year. Went well. Teacher and I were both very careful with how we worded things. No cat fights. (Sorry men.)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nell: glad it turned out well with the teacher...it sucks when it doesn't..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

I don't know if you could call these hissy fits. Then again maybe they are. These can last 5 or 6 hours. BPDs are prone to these types of actions. They are not pretty. The best thing about this one is that for the most part she left me alone after I walked away from her. It is hard to not engage when someone is following you around and baiting you into a fight. That too is another BPD trait. I am better today. My blood pressure is back down. She has been pretty contrite, offered to leave if I wanted her to again last night. It bothered her that I did not feel good after her shit fit. I am pretty much giving her the 180. She will probably try and get to me with some makeup sex this weekend. That really puts the 180 to the test.

Deep.

I really do not try to match sox and underwear. I only have one color of undies and three colors of sox so the odds of matching on a certain day are pretty high. I do not have any of those fancy sox like ats has. I may have to get some argyle underwear. I have heard that women dream about those things.

miracle.

See above.

They say that going for walks is good for you. It seems to be working for you.

Nell.

What is a app? Will it work on my 8 yr old phone?

Honest.

It is great that he is going away. I'm sure you are happy about that. Allgood has some good thoughts about what could come next. Think about what she said.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It bothered her that I did not feel good after her shit fit


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard to not engage when someone is following you around and baiting you into a fight. That too is another BPD trait.

would it also fall under bpd when someone follows you around until you agree with whatever it is they are fighting for...this is something pfm used to do all the time, under threat of being thrown out it has seriously decreased...but now manchild does it too....it drives me batty, insane and the fustration value on a scale of 1-10 is scoring 20....when it happens....

meanwhile, manchild likes to retreat when its him on the receiving end....but if its someone else, he is seriously up their ass, exactly what pfm used to do...with pfm though it didn't matter which end he was on, he would seriously get up into my face trying to bully his thoughts onto me....or the kids...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O - btw - gave H the revised agreements on Wednesday. As far as I can tell they remain untouched.
I asked him today if he thought he could look them over & sign them within the next week.
He said "Whatever". When asked for a clarification, he responded: "I just don't understand the rush."
I gave my reasons,namely, I want it for peace of mind, I'm hoping it will help me accept the reality that this is over & I also don't want to put myself in the situation of having to scramble to court to get him out should he back out on his word to move when the kids get out of school. He said he would never do that. I told him I wasn't leaving myself open to the possiblity. Then I asked him what are his reasons for not signing it now?
(No answer.)

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 12:57 PM, April 15th (Friday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood,
"Whatever"??? He and Mr. Nell's AP must be sharing a brain cell. BTW, the adult version of "Because I said so" is "Because you need to." For future reference.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

Do you think he is getting the cold feet? All this has been fun and games until now. He may "talk the talk" but now he is afraid to "walk the walk."

I explained to my W that I have feelings too and that her actions have a bad effect on my health. I mentioned that some very close relatives died in their early 50s mostly due to stress. This hit home. I could tell by the look on her face.

miracle.

That is a good question. Sometimes BPDs are not really fighting for anything except to get you in a fight. I have had my W start one when I was agreeing with her. You can validate their feelings by agreeing with them and sometimes avert a showdown. I need to get some argyle underwear and a argyle thinking cap and ponder your question. Maybe njgal or honest can give you a better answer about this. I will say that dealing with BPD will easily score a 20 to 100 on a 10 scale of frustration. Other disorders will do that too.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC seems to have been a good session for FWW. She ran out of time for all her topics, but sounds like they made progress. He asked to see and she showed him where she cut herself 2 weeks ago. They talked through the dynamic of her flashing back to her rape that night when we had sex, and that it is actually a sign of progress, that she is feeling things, not just dissociating as she said she did with OM. She is burning up the Brene Brown book with notes and comments; she says it is similar to Bradshaw on the shame, but a lot of helpful information. She says she understands what happened Wednesday night, and that we can talk about it. They processed her recent trip, the difficulties, and how she handled things.

Tonight she wants to go back to the restaurant/bar we were at 2 weeks ago, but less drinking for her. I am still not sure I will be comfortable going back there so soon, it was traumatic for me the way the night turned out. OTOH, it is a place we like and need to go back to, just the idea of the first time back being the same day, same entertainer, etc.

Allgood,
I fear that you are beginning to see signs that your H will have no more active involvement with your D than he did with your R. HE is going to leave it all to you, he is going to drag his feet. In his mind, I suspect he feels this gives him some power, control, and attention from you. I would expect a delay and struggle on the moving out and other issues.

I found a picture of Dip in his new argyle u/w. You all saw my barbequing butt in the collage, so this cannot be me.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.

That is good news to hear those things about your W and IC. She is working hard on all this. I'm sure you are giving her much encouragement. I hope the trip to the resturant goes well.

How did you get that picture of me? I'm

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats: i am so proud of her, she really has turned that corner and seems there is no looking back....she is full steam ahead.....something you are not used to im thinkin...at least as for going back the restaurant...

reclaim it ats, reclaim it...

i know this all must still be so fustrating for you....hang in there, because generally she makes you very happy, i seem to remember a point in time not too long ago in between your many ups and downs that you proclaimed that you are a simple man to keep happy....and if this diagnosis of yourself if acurate you should be above the moon and back...but still fustrated here and there depending on what she is processing...but she IS PROCESSING and at an accelerated rate....


as for the starting fights just to start them...i figured out a long time ago that it was how pfm could justify his behavior, making me out to be the bitch...whether it was to start a fight with me so he could leave me on xmas eve to go to his foo celebration (i was banned)..or to start a fight with me so he could go uck whomever because that was his right since i was not the best wife in the world...

so the starting of it was for justification..the following me....still don't get that one...would like to though mostly because manchild does it too....although since i control his life for the most part for real i have the power to shut him down a bit better....the only power i hold on pfm is the one where i would throw his ass out...of course i am not stupid, i know he will give me many problems on leaving which is why he will come home one to all of his belongings on the front lawn...have not decided if i would be good enough to at least put them in garbage bags...or just as is.....i think it will depend on the why i need to throw him out...but hopefully this will never happen and when the time comes we can part peaceably for our kids....that little scorpian stubborn italian in me though kind of wants that opportunity...we it scorpian italians can be very very hotheaded and a bit vindictive....of course i still believe in the path of least regret so it will be one of those self arguments.. ...it will be interesting to see which one of me wins the self battle...the devil on the left or the angel on the right....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - I want to know what is going on with those morning walks?

I sure hope it's exciting!!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun,
I keep having the same questions. Does miracle dress up in cocktail dresses and heels and strut down the street? Does she belong to a nudist coloney? Is she on the Pamela Anderson lifeguard show and runs in slow motion down the beach? Because when I walk around, people sometimes wave in a friendly manner, but never do I get any hubba hubba compliments.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well night out got postponed. FWW locked her keys in the car and we had to call a lock smith. Other set is 300 miles away with DS at college, and other spare was apparently lost.

We will try again tomorrow when a favorite Blues singer will be at another location we like.

By not going out and me mowing the grass tonight rather than paying DS to do it we saved just about the cost of the locksmith.

I also took an online EQ test provided with a book I bought Emotional Intelligence 2.0. I have a lot of work to do on my recognizing and managing feelings, especially in others. I know I need this at work, and with FWW having hyper-sensitive ability to perceive emotions, it explains a lot of the problems we had in our M. I think this is the first test I ever took where I was in the bottom half of my cohort. Even when I took the engineering GRE (as a environmental education undergraduate) I at least scored in the top 50%.

Man I suck at feelings. Hmmmm.. how do I feel about that?

Hugs to the tribe. Dip, if your W says fuck you again this weekend I hope it is an offer and not a statement!

ETA
Nell, we cross-posted. Send me a picture of you strutting in your heels and cocktail dress, or on a nudest walk, and I will let you know if that is the problem.

--Ats

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:13 PM, April 15th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, April 15th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip: When my post *poofed*, I had written about how happy I was to see you finally vent here. You hold so much in.

It's so hard to deal with the BPD and their black and white thinking. Either you are wonderful, or on the shit list. No middle ground. There's so many times that they act "normal" and one can get lulled into thinking all is ok, and then WHAM they turn and you are the devil and nothing you can do or ever did was good.

I truly understand about trying to walk away from them, they don't let you!!! You are right, the only thing that can help a little is to validate their feelings, which is usually that they are scared. Then they apologize all over the place as you lay there bleeding and still trying to comfort them.

Miracle, from what you described, I don't know if that's BPD or not. It's not like they pick fights per se, although they do, it's more of a hypersensitivity that something you say will trigger them and then the black and white thinking sets in and then they start accusing you of not doing enough for them, not loving them enough or you did/did not do something for them and how good they've been for you, etc. It's not an aggressive "in your face" type of argument either, but more tenacious and not letting go. Every trick in the book will be used to outright yelling, "logical" argument and then of course the tears/guilt.

Allgood: WH is passive/aggressive much? geez. In a crazy way, it almost sounds like he's depressed, or so defeatist. I still get the feeling that he doesn't want this, but is resigned to it as his "punishment", but doesn't want to do anything about it to make it better.
I'm so sorry, Allgood. I want to shake him and scream at him to wake up!!! You are such a beautiful, intelligent, caring person and you have 4 absolutely gorgeous children. What the hell is wrong with him???

Nell: I'm glad the meeting with the teacher went well. I hope that some sort of arrangement is being made that will be in the best benefit for your son. It took DS12 a few years in an ALC(alternate learning class) to really see results, but it is working very very well for him.

Ats, it's good to hear that your FWW's IC session went well. I can't see how you scored low on that test, you really seem to have a great understanding of people and are aware of their feelings and emotions.

(x)WH left today. I felt such a sigh of relief. I'm free. I know I will feel sad, and still mourn, but I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, heart, soul, and spirit.

Poor DS16 has said many times to me that his father really doesn't understand how other people feel. He really isn't capable of it. To me, he faked it for a long time.

A switch has finally been turned off in me. The man is delusional. He was supposed to leave Mon, but switched it to today. WH wanted to borrow a baseball cap from DS12. He NEVER wears a hat. WH tells me to not let anyone know he's going back even the OC's. I said Why and he says he wants to check things out with business etc. BS. I know why. He's checking up on OW. Karma bus!!!

Ok, bear with me..... WH says that we can still get "remarried" (we're still married legally), but it would be a new "contract" and there would be no restrictions on him. He can marry another if he wants This way, I'm going into it with full knowledge if I agree.

But guess what I finally figured out?

In order to get quality, you have to pay a higher price.

I AM QUALITY. I am HONEST, loyal, loving, intelligent, considerate, understanding, compassionate, generous.

Mr. Dishonest, if you want quality, then YES you pay for it with sacrifice and love only me. I don't share, I'm QUALITY. If you rather have QUANTITY, then you can stay with OW whom you can't trust that you feel you have to wear a disguise to spy on her. AND, I took the GPS tracker you put on my phone off!! Again!!

I've turned a corner, and I could not have done it without all of you in the LTA Tribe!!!!!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

I love you all and God bless you all. Each and every one of you.

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 11:35 PM, April 15th (Friday)]


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