OK. Now for the parody portion of my post:
NELL!!!!!...Nelly-poo schmoopie love, you're always right about EVERYThInG baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... Together we can do anything baaaby !!!!!!!!! We can drive the biggest goddamn KARMA bUS of FATE righteously up the a$$ of every deserving twatzilla out there !!!!!!!!!!!!,!! And NOBODY, I mean nobody can ever stop us because I'm going to win for you baaaaaaaaby !!!!!!!! Our rage is REAL!!!,!!,!!
honest - I love how strong you sound.
Njgal, thanks for the addition to the list.
The dog is making a huge mess downstairs but I'm going to pretend I don't hear her....
Your STBXWH is a fool. Hey, good news! Soon you won't be married to a fool anymore!
Look, I divorced my HS sweetheart / we were onlies and it sucked rocks for about 2 1/2 years and then I married my baby daddy rebound dude who knocked me up while I was separated and drunk and partying all the time and then he went back to screwing his FB behind my back while incessantly testing his XHSGF for 6 years while knocking me up 7 more times so, hey, no worries, everything will work out great!
Ok. So sine you're not 25 and bipolar it probably actually will work out great -- but maybe take it easy on dating at first.
The important part was that it took 2 1/2 years of NC to get over XH fully, but I did get over him and we'd been together nearly 11 years
loved your parody...
honest: agree with everyone, your ws is a total fucktard, believe everything he says and remember what he does to her he won't hesitate to do you....leaving in 5 days....so not soon enough...but hon i am hopin and prayin and hopin and prayin some more that the financial end is somewhat worked out at least the ligistics...(think i spelt that wrong)...spellcheck, i think i will ask for spellcheck...
allgood: good news and bad news...i agree i think your ws will find someone fast, and she will be more then happy to take him, thinkin he's learned a lesson, thinkin that it won't happen to her because yes your biatch...now the good news...she will never ever be to him what you were and are....the day will come when he will be a sorry sack of shit.....they all do...very few don't....
and you my dear, totally rock...you are beautiful, you have a great bod and an even better mind, a sense of humor to die for and you are a nice person too......it will take time, but you will come out of this ahead....and when that happens his karma bus will park on his heart and stay there.....before that it will park in his gut....
strong: i would love the name of that retreat, 2 years ago i went on one, pfm came too, it was awesome...i got so much out of it, it was where i began to find "me" again, even though there was still so much shit hittin that godamn fan pretty much daily as far as finding out more truth from the king of trickle....i found my inner "wonder woman"...and she has been here ever since....i still have my days as you all have witnessed...but overall my "me" gets stronger every day....as will yours...
fun: a small yay for you, don't want to get to excited for you yet, i know how you wanna wait and "see"....but i had to at least give you that....i can't wait to give you a really BIG one...so keep us posted...kkk
nell: i too love the way you write, you remind of erma bombeck....if you don't know who she is google her...she made lots of money with her writing of her experiences, and then her appearances...maybe this might be a good field for you to some freelance stuff...
laura: yay, your "f"ws is doing so well....his being able to come to you with this shit is totally awesome.....( i still find this sick btw, that we get so damned excited by our ws's telling us of ow making contact....it just feels so wrong while feeling so right...like i said i still find this sick)...
put me on the i love this group train....non stop service to one another..
ats: if you match your argyle socks to your drawers, well i will be scared....very very scared... and then i may just have to my ass off...and i am not sure if i want pics for the visual yet....but i think that might be crossing some serious lines even if the drawers are argyle...
matchy matchy....my dd makes fun of me, everything i wear must match or at least compliment each other color wise...so yes i match too when i can, and when i can't i coordinate, rachel zoe would be proud!!!
my lta ladies: join me on my am walks anytime....
i must confess, the compliments i have recieved make me feel young...and shhh sexy!!!
other news in the miracle house:
manchild got his report card today, he brought all his grades up...so this is a hip hip hooray...not counting chickens yet, he's done this before...and one grade is still on the lower end of where it needs to be...but still, he brought them up...
also found out that he has against my direct instructions he joined facebook and has been posting regularly....he also snuck in texting too, another privilege he has not earned....he knows i know about the texted and knows i let it slide a bit...and was told that if he falters at all academically it would gone as his ipod would be gone, which is where he facebooking....and he so stupid, he friended my friends and thinks i will not find out.. .....when he goes to synch his ipod he will lose the capability since i deleted the app....he doesnt know that yet...he is messin with the wrong mommy...
he also decided to pick me up today, physically pick me up and place me on another chair...makes me feel so small, but still so powerful since i still hold all the power...
did i mention i can be a bit of a control freak...
oh and dd will be sleeping in a box tomorrow nite, for a charity event for the homeless...its call boxtown...proud of her for doing this, (the box will be outside btw) and so glad its not me...i love my bed...my warm bed with easy bathroom access...
She read for a while and is now sleeping. I am wide awake and thinking of reasons not to have a scotch (or 3).
I am using my meditation and other tricks to keep the memories and old thoughts at bay, it would be easy to start to wallow.
I am thinking there is more than just a bad day at work going on here, but she is not good at honest sharing yet.
I'm here for a while honey.
I really do forget there are problems, and then we have a night like this. There is a band she wants to go see Saturday night, so I expect she will talk to me by then. :-)
FWH arrived home and I couldn't get back to the computer.
Happy to hear you are gaming rather than drinking. I am doing far too much of the latter.
Hope you are sleeping now.
Miracle: Glad your son is doing well in school, too bad about the f/b stuff. (Btw - I personally like to just change their p/w on f/b and let them freak out trying to figure out who hacked their account before telling them it's me. Muah ha ha ha.) And your daughter - damn. Impressive. Not something I could do. As it is I have an outrageous number of blankets when I sleep.
Ats: Hang in there.
To everyone who responded bout my sitch: thanks. As the night went on, I found more & more clues that he was defintitely up to something yesterday. Then I found the pills he takes when he wants to have super-human sex are gone. I was beyond pissed & couldn't help but call him out on it. (He had gone out to play ball & was not expected back.) I kept it brief & didn't share with him what I thought happened (cuz I have no damn idea) or why I think that, of course he has no idea what I was talking about.
I keep reminding myself that the reason why he is here is not for his benefit, but for the kids.
I know I wanted to respond some more, but now I'm all pissed off & have to go.
O - but first, thank you all for the compliments. Very appreciated.
“…watching my …. and I was thinking how everyone else must think he's just the bomb - nice looking, so kind to the kids, wonderful dad, etc.” Anyone else feel this way?
Honest… Your H took off his mask and you see his values. Not many.
She became defensive, then just quit talking and withdrew. Sigh..
Anyway peace out today.
After almost 2 years, I can somewhat control myself now. I either leave the space where I am, (if I can). Or immediately change my mindset and think of something else. Otherwise, I'm in that dark hole again. And it takes me so long to get out of that horrible place. None of this is easy, I suppose it never will be as long as we stay M. I'm sending you cyber hugs....hang in....you and your W are doing wonders.
BTW - You aren't the only one that reaches for the scotch...I'm into the bourbon...I'm trying really really hard to stop it. And this from someone that never drank before Dday.
I hope this is the start of a lifetime of nice things. How are you reacting? I always think of the train-the-dog stuff when I'm thanking WH for every little good thing he does. Whosagoodboy? WHOSagoodboy?! It makes me smile a little.
I'm sorry you had a bad night. Hoping today is back to your new better. Good for you for avoiding the scotch. I stopped buying the stuff because my pours got more and more generous and I didn't need the temptation. (Glenlivet, yum!)
Wow, you're REALLY good at that! Now assign us nicknames (preferrably stolen from Teletubbies TV show... Po is already taken, though) and love pop songs.
Good news on manchild's grades!
Hm. I get not wanting to make your WS not feel bad, but something inside me is railing against what you said. Although it's exactly what I'm doing (... though only because I never get the support I need from WH so I've stopped turning to him when I'm hurting).
Thanks for the compliments, folks. I write for a living, and I'm working on a book on the side, so I get lots of practice.
Meanwhile, I'm glad the heart-felt letter from OW gave a few laughs to my SI friends. I felt a little sick to my stomach while posting it, but immediately felt better. I've even gone back and read it a few times and it really is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. Well, since junior high, anyway. This is why I always refer to her as a mental 14-year-old.
Okay, I've gotta get ready for my day.
Hugs to all.
Miracle - Yeah for manchild and your daughter. You done good!!!! Sleeping in a box is pretty unselfish.
Honest - so glad your WH is going back. Grrrr...
Laura - I'm so happy your H has been consistant...hoping mine will continue...although I think I know him and not confident this will last.
This has turned into a vent.
I really do not share triggers with FWW when they occur, but last night when it occurred I sat upright and pulled my hand away from her, it was an involuntary response. She knew something was up and asked me, more demanded. The movie touched on sex for money, and I flashed to an email I saw in my investigative days where FWW told OM that she would give his friend a BJ if the friend donated to her agency. She has always maintained she was joking in the email, and seeing how her agency was dying due to lack of funds, I suspect she was.
As soon as I told her what the trigger was I said I was OK and did not want to talk about it anymore, I wanted to watch the movie. She got very defensive, and told me how staff always jokes about trading sex for donations or a good review by a regulator (“I would take one for the team for a good evaluation”). Her arguing reminded me of how defensive she becomes in her insistence that sex once or twice a month is normal and how often most people our (her) age have sex.
I was tired last night, but when I would lay down the ghosts were all ready to pounce. The gaps in her disclosure that she has never been willing to fill in. The incredibly mean and hurtful things she said to me, and others about me, in the first six months or so after dday. The idea that as with this issue, anytime it gets difficult it remains all about her and how she feels.
This morning she was still asleep when I left, and I was running late. She texted me this morning to tel me DS needs to be picked-up at school this afternoon. Nothing else.
I guess what bothers me is there is clearly something else going on in her life that has her on edge, but she is not willing to share with me. The trigger last night would not normally result in such a complete shutdown. She has not done this in months. So now I worry what it is. Her work going broke? An issue with her sister after the trip? An issue with her DD and the up-coming graduation we will attend? Thoughts about or contact with BIL or OM? A health problem?
I do not bring up her A's or other negative issues with her at all intentionally, or even unintentionally very often. I feel no need to punish her, but at the same time, I do not always feel any compulsion to excuse her A's, or to tell her it was OK, and not a problem. I accept what happened, and I am happy with moving forward. Her feelings of self-loathing, shame, or whatever is her crap to deal with. I have, for the most part, eaten my shit sandwich.
I feel like if she were really wanting to get through this stuff she would schedule IC more than every other week rather than every other week or less with schedule conflicts. She would quit looking for examples in her books of how my family and I had issues too. How everybody has problems just like her. She may be screwed up, but look at my sister, Mom... is a line I hear from her a lot.
My reality is that she may never be willing or able to be vulnerable, to lead an authentic life. She may always be a chameleon trying to act and behave as she thinks her DD, sister, father, or I want her to. I suspect that things will be better in a couple of days, but will they really be or is it just a veneer over the mess?
I never get the support I need from WH…so I've stopped turning to him when I'm hurting
Nell, we cannot control what others do. All we can do is make it clear the things we need to make us happy. And you know what? Then you know what happens? We get exactly what we think we needed to make us happy, and sometimes, that thing we thought would make us happy… didn't. So, I can tell you I don’t have much pain anymore. I don’t know why (actually I do know how and trying to tell you but not good at it), but today, I somehow view my W’s A as maybe myself who is dating a person who had a previous relationship with another person. True, I was married at the time but I look at it that way. If I were to leave my W and find someone new, it would not hurt me because this new person had an previous relationship. I have been able to draw that line and know the difference between today and yesterday.
But let me tell you this, If my new relationship has a something I don’t like about it, I am not going to be afraid to say, I don’t like it when you tell me “rain check” for sex. That word brings back bad memories for me. Just say NO. This is the way I treat my M today. And you know what? I will leave my W if she does things that continue to bring me sadness. (like never get the support I need) I have that POWER within myself to file and D.
BTW.. you are a fantastic writer… funny and interesting.
ast.. Sometimes I’ll ask my wife to cook something good and I will give her a full body message. Of course, I would do that anyway if I was in a giving mood. I do this kind of thing out of fun. It would be my bet that your W did that out of fun. Sex is fun… and who the heck wouldn’t want to have some fun with someone new and different every once in a while. I would love to have that and would if I knew no emotions and feelings change when you do it.
I too have to open all conversation about my W’s feeling. It always falls on me. But, as she is starting to feel safe with me again, she is opening up. I don’t need an IC to do it any more. I can do this verbal, letters, emails, texting… Don’t take this the wrong way, but I have learned how to POKE with words to bring out her feelings.
Our sex issues resulted in recent feelings coming out. That “pressure” I poked and poked that I want her to initiate. We had a couple of days of pretty emotional conversation. I learned something about myself too. I have not yet truly totally forgiven my W. Out of my mouth spoke the words of my heart. She described this feeling of pressure and missing her parents so much, how she feels she is not getting the love of quality time with her mother and her fears over leaving work to visit. Me? I bought her airline tickets, told her to please find the courage to take a day off, and go. She did. Fact is that those two days have now turned into my W having initiated a few times this month. More this month then the past 6 months.
I guess I now view this as a good relationship. We talked, we took some actions for each other.
And you know what? I expect us to fall into more of these.. “I am not getting what I need” cycles. I will poke and poke and poke again until I get resolution through something. No Resolution = D.
I sure hope you all get to my frame of mind. I’m pretty happy right now.
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:54 AM, April 14th (Thursday)]
as i was reading your first posts i was all set on what i would say to you...that instead of telling her exactly what your trigger was, just share that you had a trigger period and then tell her what you need from her, not sharing the exact nature of the trigger, just that you had one.....then if she further inquired you can tell her, but only if she further inquired...the reasoning...triggers are going to happen forever, she does not need to feel punished, but still needs to feel remorse for it....she needs to be able to help you through it if she is present when the trigger occurs...lets face it, the amount of triggers we have, there is no way in hell they can be present for them all...this is where you need to work through them yourself...ulitmately you do that anyways, but if the ws is available to help it makes it not only easier but helps with the reconcilliation process...uniting you as a team...
now after your last post you stated that she demanded to know what it was about...so with that you tell her, she should not have had to demand it, asking should be enough...if she asks...you tell, and again try to just say it was a trigger, not what it was exactly unless she asks again, then she should be told like i said before....but ats...this is where YOU my friend need to follow up with what you now need from her, instead of internalizing it....or waiting to see what she does about it...this won't work especially for you on 2 levels, no 1...she is not a mind reader...this goes for everybody...no 2...she is working through her own issues which are NUMEROUS...and does not yet possess the tools she needs to know what to do....
so as much as she may be going through something, ats...deep breath...for a while she will always be going through something...its is part of her process right now as she works through her issues...
should she go to ic more often...absolutely...and this is something HER ic should be telling her, if he does not she will not see the need...its really a hard thing for the ws's to "see" all of the damage...imagine having to live with that fact of being the one to cause so much pain and hurt, not to mention the most if not all of our ws's are in some sort of pain to begin with having the capability to be able to carry on the way they did...and if they are not in pain they are in massive denial and have yet to move forward like allgoods' ws....
ok allgood: ok...this just SUCKS FUCKING MONKEY NUTS.....no doubt about it, when its in your face even if its in your face in disguise as it is for you IT FUCKING SUCKS....discretion is sometimes not enough...he will be out soon, he could just wait...but the fact that he may not be waiting...ok i will say it again..
THIS SUCKS FUCKING MONKEY NUTS...!!!!
and i am so sorry he is such a fucktard....put him behind honest's ws for the bitch slap line...
Triggers are going to happen until the day you die. They go away only when you D. They stay present for years if you stay M.
i respectfully disagree here...the triggers will happen no matter what happens, reconcilliation or divorce...until one moves on with another...and even then something will happen to remind you....think of it like the death of someone you know and love, because in reality thats exactly what it is...there will be days that you don't think of this person and then there will be days where you can't get them out of your mind....whether you hear a song, see a movie, read a book...triggers will always exist...its our reaction to them that changes, our perception of them that changes....and depending on where we are in life, if we have moved on successfully and find new love that was even better....the triggers will be seldom, but will still be there....your reaction to them is what changes....a trigger is a reminder...when you are reminded it is how you react to the reminder that determines how you feel about it...and while those feeling will and should change the reminders will always come and go...
it was another good start to my day today, not as over the top, but todays was totally soul food on a different level...
[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 7:54 AM, April 14th (Thursday)]
divorce.. I really beleive you move on quicker in D. I have way too many friends that say so. Maybe you still trigger but you mind somehow just moves you along. Especially if you have a new partner.
As for triggers. I don't have them with movies anymore. Cheating is part of our culture. I understand it. Some have the power not to cheat, others don't.
[This message edited by trynhard at 8:02 AM, April 14th (Thursday)]
but then again when i see little babies nuzzle their moms it triggers a response in me for when my kids were babies....kwim...
so reminders will always be there...it is the reactions to these reminders that hopefully change....
and yes when you move on and are genuinely happy these triggeres should diminish but will never go away completely...like i said when i see a baby nuzzle a mommy's neck it triggers the feeling of melancholy for me, not that i want to go back to that time, but appreciate it for what it was...although there are times when my kids are making me mommy nuts i may feel i could go back....see what i mean...your perspective changes your feelings as the triggers occur....
that is why so many try to "condition" themselves like fun is doing...when it happens she thinks about something else, changing her reaction....calming her instead of inflaming her, much like you do when you see that hotel...kwim