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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3.

You are right about the acceptance stuff. Acceptance of things that I was not able to control was a lesson that I learned at a early age. This was something that was really preached to me by my parents. That has helped me I suppose but acceptance of betrayal is not as easy as accepting most other things. I need to check out that book.

Allgood.

Thanks for the label. I am glad that you were looking out for me since I had not checked in. BTW, I have been labeled much worse. You looked good running on the beach.

Laura.

Thanks for the aardvark. They are cool. The bikini girls were a nice touch. I know one is Allgood. Who are the others or is that just multiple views of Allgood?

Sister.

Wasting your love is a good way to put that.

strongish.

I always think of our service men and women especially those that are in the war zones. It is terrible to be in those shit holes. I wish they did not have to be there.

honest.

I know you will be able to move on without your H. You are smart enough to find your way. I'm glad your DS went with you. I hope you can lean on him for support. Lean on us too.

Deep.

I guess that must be ats grilling. So you wear two pairs of jeans at once?

Tribe.

Here is one that fits into the category of how can they say that or what were they thinking?

My W was telling me about a aquaintance that is always having money trouble. She has a pretty good income but is alway broke and late on payments. She was telling my W that she was taking golf lessons from a guy that at one time was a low level pro. My W says that she does not know how this woman finds the money to pay for this. I said that maybe she was "trading favors" to pay for it. My W says, no it is not like that, he is married. I quickly said, that makes NO difference. She said I know, I know and then went on rambling about this woman. I was not able to pay much attention as I was a little shocked at her comment. Then I heard her say that this man was married with a nice family so that was not how the woman was paying him. I repeated that the fact that he was married did not mean a thing. Again she said I know, I know and went on rambling. I left the room and let her talk to herself.

Did I miss something? Has the moral compass of the universe shifted. Did married people quit cheating? For her to say that once could just be a brain fart, but twice? Hell maybe her I can't remember statements are true. Shit. She went the rest of the night acting as if all was fine. I spent the rest of the night and all of this day wondering WTF.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing the book discusses is self-acceptance and self-forgiveness as well. It also gives you tools to analyze a question like this.

M3 - now I'm feeling cosmically challenged.
It's funny but I don't feel the need to forgive myself for trusting him all those years. It's a very strong personality trait/quirk of mine to trust someone completely that I love and care about. I always give those I care deeply about the benefit of the doubt. If they say or do something that hurts me, I try not to take it personally but to see what might be at the bottom of it and see if I can get them to tell me what's really behind their actions. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I am always thinking badly about someone. Maybe that's why I'm still struggling. I need to believe the best of someone to be intimately and emotionally involved with them.
He'll never be more than just a man while he's in this life and it ain't right for me to make him my great white hope. Loving him that much wasn't about him anyway, it was about me and what I needed to feel safe -- only I wasn't safe at all.

Feeling safe is our relationship was always so comforting. To find out that I was not safe, that it was all just an illusion, well that just ripped out my heart. But there's something else too. This may sound corny, but there's a Barbra Streisand (sp?) movie, "The Mirror Has Two Faces" where she's an English professor discussing the reasons people fall in love. At the end of her lecture she asks her students why do we do this when there's so much risk. She takes a lot of answers to that question until she finally answers it herself. She says, and I love this, "Because it feels fucking fantastic!" This is my weakness. I miss feeling fucking fantastic. You know, it's not just that initial stage of falling in love, that immature stage where this is possible. I believe with all my heart that feeling "fucking fantastic" in a M is possible with a deep, mature love, in a M that has stood the test of time and has survived some pretty great challenges.
I guess I always go back to what I had with my sister. We went through some rough times together but always came out stronger and better and more committed to each other and our relationship. Just because a relationship goes through some rough times doesn't mean it has to suffer. On the contrary, it can and will become stronger and more rewarding if we have the willingness to let that happen. I just had an aha moment I think. Maybe this is my problem, maybe I am short on the willingness scale. Too much pain, too much betrayal and too much fear to open myself up again. You know, I think this is what NJGal did. She was willing to open herself up again to her H's love and she is being rewarded. Hers is a great example of true and complete R.
I think it's no coincidence that you often see that an OP was formerly a BS/BP. My WH was a BBF on at least two occasions. I think it deadens you in a way.

I think it worked the exact opposite for me. I cannot ever imagine wanting to cause this kind of pain on another person. For me, to do this to another woman after what it's taken me to recover, would be so wrong. My IC asked me once if I would consider having an A as a way of easing my pain and this is exactly what my response was. It also was the main reason I stopped seeing him. I didn't want anyone even remotely suggesting that I was "entitled" to have a revenge A in order to ease my pain. I don't think that's what he was doing but I didn't hang around trying to find out whether or not this was true. In every other respect he was a terrific IC/MC though.
M3 - I also wanted to ask you about your H being older. Mine is too. I'd love to chat with you about this sometime. I think this may be a roadblock for me as well. PM me if you ever want to talk about that.
Thanks for your response. I loved everything about it.
ETA - Well, if I'm being completely honest here, the other reason I quit seeing my IC was because I began to fantasize about him and when he said this I got a little worried about where those fantasies might take me. Yikes, don't hate me for being so honest.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 12:15 PM, April 7th (Thursday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
ImNellNow
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Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf,
the other reason I quit seeing my IC was because I began to fantasize about him and when he said this I got a little worried about where those fantasies might take me

You do realize that those are "good boundaries," right? Good for you, honey.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Nell but I really did hate to stop seeing him since he was so good at reaching my H. He had a way of saying things that always snapped my H out of any self-pitying, woe is me, she'll-never-get-over-the-A mode.
Did I miss something? Has the moral compass of the universe shifted. Did married people quit cheating? For her to say that once could just be a brain fart, but twice?

Dip, I don't think I've ever read one of your posts that I didn't end up cracking up. I hope your W appreciates your sense of humor. It's a good one!!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Scaredstill
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Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still here....Had a mammo last Aug got called back for a 2nd and referred to surgeon...she recommended waiting and repeating mammo in Dec...I just scheduled it today. Mad at myself for not taking care of me...but at least I finally did it....realizing that no white knight is going to come in and rescue me and that while I didn't chose this crap(no one does) it is what I have been dealt with and only way is to work through it....trying to let go of what I can't control but difficult....just trying to get off the table :( slowly I guess....now I need to get my taxes done....embarrassing to admit how bad I have let things go. Things at my job are going crazy right now....but very grateful for it...esp after reading some of the other posts...I know this offers me an opportunity for independence that others do not have (not that it won;t hurt but it willbe doable) Will try to focus on my job that I sorely neglected over the last year.
Still trying to learn everyones names and stories...nursing school...good:) praying for the soldiers always....keep posting your stories let me know that while all our stories have different twists and endings that I am not alone...you all are an inspiration....Keep swimming

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
m334455
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Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf, it's good to see you reaching out today :)

Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

The book also talks about how the hurt party must be willing to reach out for Geniune Forgiveness to happen -- possibly even first, although that is unfair, but life is not fair she points out. It talks about that too. It also says that to do this, the hurt party needs to do all the acceptance stuff before reaching out.

It also suggests apologizing as well. I think this would be a good exercise for me. I will start with something less charged and figure out how I would apologize to XH if I were to do so. Then with WH. I also want to give some really critical thought to what WH could do that might accomplish geniune forgiveness with me, or whether that can even happen.

It's a great toolbox of a book.

fnf, it is very common for people to become attracted to their therapists. Don't think you're weird.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
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Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG you people, I am still such a little ball of rage. And I'm going to see a therapist today about Boyo1's ADHD diagnosis. And she torqued me off on the phone. This is bad news. Big bad very bad news. Must dig deep and find the not-angry Nell.

Erg.

Okay, some good news.
First, WH thinks he has the flu. I hope he has a suddenly-I-saw-a-light experience and comes back a better man. Too much to hope for?

Second, I ordered the forgiveness/acceptance book and the how cheating asshats can man up and help their BSs book. (Or whatever it's called.) They should be delivered April 12 or 13, an early birthday gift for me.

Third, I have been able to get a few things done at work AND be a productive member of a monthly meeting AND not scream "Good! You stupid rat bastard! I hope you suffer!" (at all, which means I did not do it in front of my co-workers) when WH called to tell me his "my widdle tum-tums is sicky-icky" story.

Fourth, I know what started it (today). At 4 a.m., I had one of those wonderful ball drop moments on something WH said his BFF allowed a girl to do to BFF in an alley, which OF COURSE was not BFF and a bar skank at all, but WH and the OW! DUH! Followed by grrrrrrrrrrrr and a mental list of all the other many many grrrrrrrrrrrrrrs. Followed by Nell singing to Florence and the Machine while driving like a bat outta hell on her way to work.

dip,
That story is flat-out weird. Definitely WTF-worthy.

fnf,
Does that therapist see men for IC? Or is your WH seeing a good IC? Because that guy sounds like a good one for your WH, plus he knows the story, has spoken with you, and sounds like he won't put up with any WH delusions.

Scared,
Shortly after my mom had a mastectomy, I had an abnormal mammo. I was worried, my family was far away and WH was spending all his emotional currency (of which he has little to begin with) on OW. So I know the scared feelings and the alone feelings, and I want you to know that you can lean on us.

Okay, folks. Out again. Needed to vent. Thanks for listening, or possibly not.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 6:59 AM, April 8th (Friday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
forgivenotforget
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Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - don't have a lot of time because my H is on his way home and I don't like him to know I'm on here but I wanted to send out hugs and let you know that yes, we're listening. I think anger is a good thing. I indulged in that for a long time after dday. So rant away.
As to your son's ADHD diagnosis. Is this something new or have you been given this news earlier? Also, these are not absolutes, IMHO. It's not like they can take a blood test to confirm the diagnosis. My DD was diagnosed years ago but it was based on observations and behavior and I felt very unsure about the diagnosis that I didn't allow her to go on meds. Guess what? She is doing fine today. I kept her in C'ing and tried my best to be patient with her during the challenging years and to this day I am glad we chose this course for her.
Now, having said that, I do believe meds are appropriate in some cases and necessary but only you as his mom can really make that final determination, IMHO.
Maybe today the tools to diagnose ADHD are better than what was available years ago but if not, I wouldn't hesitate to get 2nd or 3rd opinions.
BTW, listened to Florence and the Machine and loved her. Thanks for the reference.
As to my H continuing with the IC. Well, come on, don't you know he doesn't need C'ing and was only going for my sake?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, worst day at work in a loooong time. Thank God I was only in for a 1/2 day today.

So, I am in no state to even comprehend what anyone was saying - especially since it all seemed to be deep thoughts. I just can't go there right now.

So, I can only touch on the light, easy stuff:

Dip: Hmmmm... Laura really did a nice job with the collage. Funny, I couldn't recognize myself tho, but I am using my imagination. I think the women should be representative of all of the LTA women - beautiful & strong inside & out.
As to your Wife's statements - seriously they say the dumbest shit dont they? I really think they just don't think like us, don't realize still how raw it is and always will be for us & that there are no innocent statements like this that we dont' immediately internalize.

Forgive:

Is it possible your H is doing his own version of a 180 hoping you'll break and come to him on his terms???

I don't think so. Man, wish I could elaborate but a 2 year old is screaming at me to find her princess slipper.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
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Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my oh my...busy busy people...

first off: sending out lots of si mojo for still, hoping your second mammo comes back NORMAL...with a capital N...


m3 i too disagree with the forgive yourself thing...i have nothing to forgive myself for and i feel that way for all of us....WE ARE SUPPOSED TO TRUST THEM, we take vows before god (most of us) and we are supposed to trust them...that is what marriage is, or at least part of marriage....if there is no trust from the outstart there is no marriage, not a true marriage of the souls anyway....all of us bs were true to our ws's....for US there was a true marriage, for us we chose to trust and had NO REASON not too....


loved the rest of your post , very insightful...


dip...your wife simply does not view things quite the way you, in fact she does not view things the way most people do....didn' t you know that was in that handbook tryn always used to talk about...how to compartmentalize just about everything chapter...


nell: let it rip sister....let it rip....

about your son...sending some prayers that they are wrong, or at the very least his symptoms or he is borderline....

as for your ws sick with the flu....when iread that i thought of dr phil who always jokes around and says you should never marry someone until you have seen him with the flu,....too bad that was not all you could have seen in advance....

this 4 am trigger....was it a trigger or was it more info....???


fnf...ive missed you, glad you came out of lurkdom for a bit...


ukgirl....where are you speaking of lurkers, lost soul, you too...and anyone else i might have missed...


honest how are you today?


allgood...sorry you had a rough day....and that was only the first half...so hopefully the second half will be soooo much better....


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell - this whole ADHD thing is so frustrating. My son is borderline. The testing process was just soooooo exhausting and seemed pointless at times. I wound up not pursuing the diagnosis, because I was pretty set against the meds based upon a bad experience my nephew had with them.
But, then again, my son is able to function at school well enough, he just needs some services from school, which they give him even though he isn't officially diagnosed because he still has so many ADD (no hyperactivity) symptoms.
He's going into High School next year & I swear I will have no hair left by the time he graduates.

I hope you found some good people to guide you through this process. Don't let my experience discourage you, as it seems like one professional after the next was a quack in my case. (I think I saw 3-4 people.)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

one more thing...

still:

keep posting your stories let me know that while all our stories have different twists and endings that I am not alone...you all are an inspiration


you are most definitely NOT ALONE.....we all have similarities and we all have our own unique twists as you have already stated...and YOU ARE NOT ALONE...NONE OF US ARE....

and you my dear are also an inspiration..

and i just want to say yet again that i love this group, herein is where i found and still find my sanity as well as my faith in people....thankyou tribe...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
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Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I'm making my backwards. M3, I think I started reading this book you are referring to - it sounds so vaguely familiar. I say vaguely because I thought the book just totally sucked & stopped reading it maybe 50 pages in. I'm curious if it's the same book - because I know you really like the book.
But, the book I read (which, btw - never buy a self-help book second hand. I do not even begin to understand why this woman would try to sell this book in this condition, with her handwritten notations of her entire life in it. But, anyhoo...), did say something about apologizing, but I think this was more of a general forgiveness book, not one geared for infidelity. And, I think the author's point was more or less that usually 2 people to a dispute can find that each of them could've done things a little differently to have achieved a better result. Or something like that.
I'm so curious. I'm going to look for that book now.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O - Forgive- I forgot (lol - play on names):

It's just his Mom, his Dad died a long time ago. I don't plan on telling her anything. He's not close with her either. I'm close with one of his sister, who is also, unfortunately, quite the gossip, so I don't feel comfortable telling her the truth. My plan was to say that it's important to us that no one know anything more than the kids know and we agreed that all the kids needed to know was that we are divorcing for reasons that we are not going to discuss with them, but the decision to divorce was not made lightly & was after over a year of trying to fix the marriage.
I don't know - I welcome any suggestions- it's still a work in progress.

I just know the way his family is, not necessarily that they will try to share the information with the kids, but I've just seen information that was supposed to be withheld from the children (meaning my kids, cousins, etc.)and it got to them eventually just because the adults are drinking and talking or on the phone & basically not paying attention as to whether it's being overheard or not. And, I don't expect anyone in their family to understand why I don't want my kids to know the truth.
And, because his family & my parents see each other often, then I'm not telling anyone in my family either. That should just be a hoot - trying to tell my mother that I'm not going to explain why I'm divorcing.
This may have to be done via email.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura:
I should have put my alter ego in the pic

Holy crap! WE forgot the ass-kickin karma bus!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood,

Really, you do not owe anyone an explanation for why you are divorcing, and I am sure they know you well enough to know it is not a decision that you made lightly. The telling the kids is an issue I will not have to deal with. FWW introduced 2 of her OM to one DD, and told both of them about her A's. I am certain one or both of her DDs have said things to our DSs.

As for the ADHD, it is a tough diagnosis. I was given the 1970's version of that diagnosis when I was young. In retrospect the real issue was that I was bored in school. I was too young to appreciate the Ritalin they put me on.

Scared, things get better. My health went to heel the 2-4 years before dday, and my work the year after. I was fortunate to have a staff who rallied to cover for me at work. Now, 18 months out my health is much better, and work is doing better too. Focusing on me and my profession was long overdue, and a good way to start to reclaim my life. You will do the same.

Gosh Dip, I guess if you had just had a nice family your FWW would never have cheated. Why didn't you work harder on that?

fnf, it is nice to see you posting again. Yes it is good to see FWW doing the hard work, but ... damn it all anyways.

I hear you on the trust issue too. I have always assumed people were like me. Maybe not Eagle scouts , but would not lie when it was important. FWW's youngest DD would lie to my face, I knew she was, but she was so insistent and confident I would begin to doubt myself.

I picked up a quote that I have taken to heart as describing FWW and I.

For many couples, adultery is the necessary obstacle they must overcome in order for them to stop being polite and start fighting so they can have passion and learn to communicate, to be intimate, and to connect and bond.

Bonnie Eaker-Weil, PhD

I am still angry about my part in complicity with our dysfunctional M, and feel I am paying a price. From time to time there are posts in General about what penalty is there for the WS or retribution for the BS. The answer is always; none. Still, it is just unfair.

FWW's first night on her trip really ate at me. In retrospect, her travelling alone was a time when she was with OM, flirting with BIL, or bad-mouthing me with her family or older DD. I am doing better tonight. What is interesting is that FWW and her sister are having trouble connecting and her sister is upset. FWW's sister is expecting the same FWW she has known all these years. When FWW tells her sister about how she has changed, I am sure her sister sees herself reflected in that mirror. Her sister has the same (or more) issues, and has never done any IC work. I am not proud of my attitude the last couple days, but it is nice to know I can snap at FWW and she stands by and says she loves me.

iwam, there is a great reward waiting for you. The start to nursing school is a good beginning. There are many programs, especially in the community colleges to help non-traditional students get through. Community colleges btw are often better at graduating nursing students who can pass the state exams than the 4 year schools. Take little bites and you can make it through. When you do start, link in with study groups, they really help.

Honest, (()). Don't know what else to type. You were there so many late nights for me, and I go nothin'; other than to let you know I am one more person reading everything you write and thinking of you. Does your WS like to travel? Suggest the south or Australia. Some of us can take him out for batting practice.

YourNellNow, I love your way with words, I really do.

Well, I am off for a couple fingers of Talisker. I hope what I smell is one of the dogs having gas and not a mess I will have to wake DS up to clean.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
honesttoafault
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Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, April 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to take notes, but I didn't, wish there was a way to look back at previous pages while I write.

Scared: I'll keep you in my prayers. I had a mammo scare too. We do tend to neglect ourselves physically with all that is going on. It is just enough to keep going without feeling we are going insane.

Nell: Get independent testing if you need to. I had DS #2 tested at a local university. DS 12 was also diagnosed with ADD. No meds, thank God. He is in an ALC (alternate learning class) and it has worked wonders for him. He is near borderline, just enough to get services, but he needs them. He is sucessful in school and I got one of those stickers: "My Child is an Honor Student at ***** School". I didn't get that for any of my other boys and DS 12 is very proud of it.

Allgood: I understand why you are hesitant about telling your SIL, but, you may reconsider telling your mother. Our mothers have been through a lot in thier lives, and often have experiences that they haven't shared with us. She is stronger than you think.
Just a thought.
Telling the children..... There is no set rule about how to go about this. You have to know your kids and thier personalities. Would it be better that they are told together or separately? Depends on thier relationship with each other and how close an individual child is with you. I agree that they are too young to know the truth. You might tell them one day, but that is for the far future.

Right now, it may help to try to talk with WH a few times about how you guys will coparent and insisting that you will both respect one another for the sake of the kids.

{{{{allgood}}}}

M3, I have read on another site about the concept that loving our spouse more than God. It is an interesting concept and good to remember that the spouse is a human being. It also reminds me of Shirly Glass's discussion of how we are supposed to "love our neighbor AS ourselves" meaning we are supposed to love and cherish ourselves too (in a good way, not a selfish way) all about balance.

Thank you fnf, Miracle, strong and everyone for your support. I have to go back and reread your comments.

And I understand fnf that perhaps we could get beyond the A, but the problems prior to the A still have to be dealt with.

WH and I were stuck in traffic today and we started talking sometimes rather heatedly. I'm still trying to process and digest so much stuff and not to take everything WH said today to heart, especially that he said he neither loves me or hates me. and I was so hard to live with because I was too emotionally needy. Yeah, I shared with WH my hopes, fears, things that bothered me, etc. but I don't think it was too much.

Deep breath. Don't engage anymore.

Dip, I have another WTF moment too. WH says during our heated discussion, that I'm not making him his tea in the morning!! I said "You divorced me!" he says, "See, you're always reacting!!"

I don't think it's "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus", I think WS's must come from another dimension altogether!! Geez.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

FWH at home so really running while he is the shower

(((honest))))

((((allgood))))

Dip: Hmmmm... Laura really did a nice job with the collage. Funny, I couldn't recognize myself tho, but I am using my imagination. I think the women should be representative of all of the LTA women - beautiful & strong inside & out.

Yep - One for all and all for one. So no IDs on any of the characters. That's how I planned it. Personally I would be happy to be identified as any of the ladies. They all appeal for one reason or another

Nell

needy little panty-dropper.

Dip

a brain fart

LOve to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf

Is there something you would like in the collage?

I can very easily add to it and would love to have a little symbol of you there (or any other lurkers for that matter).

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:30 AM, April 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acceptance of things that I was not able to control was a lesson that I learned at a early age.

I believe this is why I have struggled so much with the betrayal by WW. I too learnt at an early age with the death of my mother acceptance of those things I cant control but betrayal by one you trust implicitly is so very different.It has challenged the core values that my father instilled in me. Its taken me almost 12 months to get to where I am today.I had lunch with a former co-worker who said 12months ago I looked terrible. Today she said I sounded so upbeat & positive, although I havent put on much weight I look fitter & healthier.
Reaching this place of acceptance has taken time , its been a rough journey & yet I know there is still a greater journey to be taken - am I afraid not any more. Ive made my decision, Ive done my work - she steps up or leaves - very simple.

Nell - one thing thing you should get checked out is dairy/ gluten & other food intolerance. Some of my kids exhibit ADD behavours but we have since found ours have dairy & gluten intolerances which severely impact their behavour. You can tell when my kids have eaten gluten at a birthday party - totally troppo! So dont rule it out.

[This message edited by deeppurple at 4:31 AM, April 8th (Friday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
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