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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK Laura,
So can we label ourselves??

Both my W and I did choose to R. I would say I am now a man that understands his emotions. I place value in what I have experienced during these past couple years. Someone who now accepts that people are not always going to be loyal, loving nor perfect, but I still commit to cherishing the one I choose to love. A risk taker and doing it with courage to face whatever happens next. I am no longer in grief and in the final stages of my forgivness and slowly achieving a peace in my heart so I can... Out Of The Mouth Comes The Overflow Of The Heart

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:39 AM, April 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tryn

What are you doing up so early?It's 9.30 pm here so I guess about 5.30 am there.

I'm not used to being able to chat live with my yankee friends

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn

I still commit to cherishing the one I choose to love. A risk taker and doing it with courage

What all the BWs on here wish they had


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL.. Up early? starting work my dear. Not many people know, I travel just about every week. I am in Phily, Reading,PA.. and tommorrow North Carolina. Then Friday home in Indy. Last week upper Michigan, next week Cleveland.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:43 AM, April 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what time is it there?


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So nice to know someone is out there AT THIS MOMENT. I'm used to catching up when you all are either in bed or at work


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's 6:55am. I usually enjoy a good cup of coffee to get my day started. Read what happened yesterday, check SI, and then start on my email list for the day. I have a very good job and I do technical work in the plastics field. Everyone here has touched something I've developed or worked on... lol... Can you tell by the way I make charts and graphs? lol..

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:58 AM, April 5th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn

I'm really tired - have had a busy week at school. FWH is working a double shift which has unsettled me a little (he used to lie about doing this to be with OWs) and I have had far too many Merlots.

So I am going to bed.

I will think of you as I go to sleep. Hoping your FWW realises how lucky she is.

Have a great day my friend. Nice chatting to you in real time.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait Laura, I'm here too! Don't go to bed yet! Lol.

O well.

Okey dokey - so put me in the S/D column.

And, I liked this thought:

He needs to be the man that he appears to be to everyone else.

Got into a huge fight with H last night & told him I don't want to wait til school ends for him to move out. The fight itself was primarily about how I do 95% of what needs to be done around here & then I work outside the home too. And none of it is appreciated. This all came to a head last night because I had a million things to do and asked him to make sure my one son had done something. Of course, it wasn't done when I got home, nor was his homework, all of this I find out when I finally get the chance to check everything at 9:30pm, so I have to p ull this kid out of bed to do this work. And, my H then starts on my son, yet doesn't acknowledge that he did anything wrong by not checking on anything. Guess it's pretty hard to check homework while you're sitting on the couch watching tv.

Just a fight, but still, I'm just growing more & more impatient with him & every day it's something else - me running around like a lunatic while he's relaxing. But, he'll never admit that's the case.

I really do think that it would be best not to distress the kids with this news during the school year, but I don't know if I can keep up the happy face in front of them that long. Last night's incident reminded me that if we start to argue about the kids now, they will start to think it's their fault.

Alright. Time for a refill.
Peace to all today.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Label - separated but I still live in hope.

The plan - commence full financial separation - he's screwing her he can pay for her!

MIL - Mother / daughter talk

Hopefully by end may affair is exposed to POSOM's BW.

Then the shit begins - BRING IT ON - she is either in or out the door - bye bye WW


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm hoping for the chance at R, but am inching closer and closer to D. *sigh* Why? Because WH refuses to put on his big girl panties and do anything to FIX what he broke. He's a liar, a coward, and he's just waiting for me to "get over it" so that we can "go back to normal" instead of helping me recreate a marriage from the shards that are all around us. I feel like I have wasted too many years on this twisted, one-sided "marriage" and I feel like a fool for not leaving before I brought my Boyos into this.

Okay, must get ready for work. That peaceful feeling I had when I was away sure wore off quickly!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Label - R

However, I don't know how long that will last. I think I have some 2 x 4's coming. But, I'm not brave or strong, yet. *sigh*

Scared - I forgot to mention that if/when you inform OW BH do not let your WH know you are doing that. Keep it to yourself. If your WH and OW have a warning that you are going to tell they will/could make BH think that some bat shit crazy lady is going to contact him and tell him some crazy story. They will make him think you are a psycho.

ATS - I think you are such a special man. It takes a very special man to put up with and deal with all your W's deep emotional issues. She is so lucky to have you. On the other hand, if you feel that you can not do it anymore, no one could hold it against you. You tried your best, and you shouldn't have to drown while trying to help rescue your wife.

Allgood - Did your WH come up with some lame excuse for the allnighter, or did you not even go there?

Honest - just keep swimming, just keep swimming. I always think of that when I think of you. It is someone else's tag line, but I think it is apropos for your sitch.

Have a great day, Tribe.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8976 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Scaredstill
♀ Member
Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you told the OP BS...did you do it in person, phone or letter? I only have their home number and name. I do not know when he works or where.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Labels, I am clearly R'd with FWW on the A stuff. In fact, we talked of that last night, that I am about over it all. I just have to come to terms with my suspicions that there are more significant facts to know. I am not yet fully at indifference with the OM I work with. I still have it in me to go after my BIL in a manner that would result in felony assault charges. For her part, FWW says it is changing and she feels slightly less self-loathing, but then quickly adds, "I am not over it" to reassure me.

Our issues now are her issues. Her not knowing who "she" is, wanting to be the person everyone else wants. Her lack of interest and desire for sex. Her unwillingness to be vulnerable, and to form an intimate attachment. Her shame, codependency, and black or white thinking. Still putting desires of her family (sister, DD) over OUR family, us. These are not really A issues, but are at the core as to how and why she had her LTA's. She can identify many of the times she has faulty thinking, and knows it is wrong. What she does not yet know, is how to replace the faulty with healthy. How to be herself, she claims she does not know who she is or what she wants. To feel free to express her honest feeling, even when she knows it will upset me, or not be what I want to hear.


I realize that FWW's whole way of life was her A's. This is how she sought and received affirmation. This is how she exerted control on her life. When there was a crisis there was an OM to soothe her and tell her how wonderful she was. She has lost that support. I can see that she is struggling to evolve into the person she wants to be. She went through most of thei emotional unpacking and working on life issues at the end of her first M. The problem is, she was having an A with a boss at that time too, and his influence prevented much of the true work and growth she needed to go through to address her issues with sex, intimacy, and vulnerablility. She says that she wants to get it right this time.

allgood,

I really do think that it would be best not to distress the kids with this news during the school year, but I don't know if I can keep up the happy face in front of them that long.

Here is another perspective. School provides a rich resource of peers to process information with, and a very structured "normalcy" that may not be as available in the summer. During times of stress in the home, children enjoy the predictable routines and structure of school. Just a thought.

It takes a very special man to put up with and deal with all your W's deep emotional issues.

Thank you SisterMilkshake. I truly hope that what is special for me is not that I am a co-dependent “nice guy” who is unwilling to put himself and his own needs first. I do not think this is the case anymore, but I do worry about it.

Scared,

So if he wants to be by my side....he needs to step up.

In my opinion, a big part of this stepping up is doing the introspective work, likely with an IC, to determine what needs within him he was trying to meet with the A’s, and what new and appropriate methods he can learn to meet these needs himself. I do not believe that a BS can make an informed decision to try and R or not until they know what the underlying issues were/are, and the course from emotionally dysfunctional to functional for the WS.

As you try to figure this all out, many people will recommend the book Not Just Friends by Glass. I would also add to that the book Sexual Detours by Heins. This book really did a lot for me in helping me to understand the dynamics of the A, what needs it was meeting, and was the first step in my being able to extricate myself from the feelings of cause or fault for her A.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Scaredstill
♀ Member
Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is not in IC:( He was but quickly stopped. When it first happened he was quick to pull the alcoholic card....even his counselor said that to me...he said almost too quick. When I first discovered he was suggesting we read books and work through this....again that was short lived :( Rug sweeping. I am very grateful for the support I have found here but at the same time it is unsettling bc when I hear similar stories it is impossible to ignore the warning signs :( You all are amazingly strong people and I am so sorry there are so many of us.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you told the OP BS...did you do it in person, phone or letter?
I never had that opportunity.

I think if you post this question in the General Forum you will get alot of reponses on how to inform the BS. Make the topic something like "HELP, how do I tell OW's BS of Affair" you will get many good ideas.

Someone here in LTA maybe able to help you, also.

Good luck, keep us posted.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8976 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScaredStill,

You all are amazingly strong people ...

Others here are, in my case it just looks that way in retrospect. You do not see all of the bottles and pill containers littering the path, the loss of emotional control from rage to sobbing, the 1+ year of MC and IC.

Just as Honest is doing now, and Allgood, DP, and others, you do what you have to do and put one foot in front of the other. The 180 is a REALLY good skill to develop for when you need a break.

Participants in M where LTA's have occurred have long-term problems that need to be identified and resolved. Not just the WS, but I believe the BS should work to identify why he or she was willing to accept the condition of the M prior to and during the A. Maybe it was great, but for most of us, I believe there was an element of settling and avoiding conflict.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:45 AM, April 5th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but for most of us, I believe there was an element of settling and avoiding conflict.

Oooohhhhh, good one, ats. Yep, raising my hand!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8976 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Scaredstill
♀ Member
Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right. I think that is why there is so much anger. I settled and tolerated the drinking and believed I could handle it. I put up with more than most wives and then he went and did that???? He didn't appreciate me at all.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
Scaredstill
♀ Member
Member # 31710
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, April 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And am angry with myself:(...I really need to do the 180...trying but failing miserable....have already called him at work 2X and texted him....need to stop

Posts: 83 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: DE
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