.now I feel like I shouldn;t unless I know it is still happening? What if it is over?
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Nell: thank you so much. All this love, and my problem is that I feel I don't deserve it. Wow.
You being away for so good for you, and also it really showed your WH what it would be like without you and how much you do. I think every H needs to be in complete charge for a week to fully understand. Early on in my first marriage when my oldest DS was 8 months old, xWh was injured on the job and stayed home for a month.
I was working PT. One day I came home to a very messy house and WH was exhausted on the couch. He said, "The baby had diarrhea, wouldn't nap, etc. I'm sorry, I will NEVER again ask you what you did all day and why the house was a mess!!!"
Allgood, lol "ghetto anger". You have the strength of "ghetto anger" , but do it with class and style!
Ats: You are going through something so very hard. The only thing I can say is that perhaps you can talk to her IC a few times. See if there is a compromise that if you feel you want out of the marriage, you can still help FWW. Would a kind separation actually help her and you? KWIM? I don't know if I"m making sense.
Scared, everyone here has given you fantastic advice. I know reading about the 180 on this site looks like there is a set of instructions to follow. It's not like that. It's about your shift in PRIORITIES and FOCUS from WH to yourself. So many of us put the WS first, or trying to save our marriage first, but we have to put ourselves first. Not in a selfish way, but in a healthy way. It doesn't mean that you have to be mean to the WS, but to focus on you and what is good for you.
Now, I have to implement it for myself full time now. It's a hard shift if you were focusing on the WS for so long.
Big hugs to everyone that I didn't respond to.
I am talking the big talk, now I have to walk the big walk. But I'm shaking.
I love you all.
Thank you for the comments back. I do have trouble empathizing with her situation. I get it rationally, I think, but not emotionally. I guess it pisses me off sometimes that we are playing poker with our M and she insists on still having some down cards.
Consider encouraging her NOT to travel to that town. I think it sounds very unhealthy.
The trip was supposed to be this summer with me attending, but her sister wanted different so she changed plans. The trip was to be to visit father only for her and sister to sort through her deceased mother's things, but sister (?) made trip to town where her father and mother grew up the primary focus of the trip. I am not pleased, but I do not control her actions. Frankly, I am waiting for her to find a reson to bump me off of the trip to her DD's graduation. DD does not want me there. She tried to say I needed to stay home to watch DS15 who cannot attend, but DS19 will be home from school to watch DS15.
Scaredstill, Hello. We do not know each other yet, but I agree with the advice m334455 gave to you. Your WS put his job in jeopardy, nothing you do or do not do will alter that. Tell the OW BS.
It is not your job to be the NC, transparency police. It is your WS's job to figue out how to fix his M if he is so inclined and you are willing to entertain the prospect. That said, it is my experience and that of others that the BS must carry most of the water initially if they wish to keep the M going. I do believe that NC violations and full transparency need to be hard boundaries given your sich.
It is my opinion that those who engage in an A, especially in a LTA, have emotional and personality issues that must be identified and addressed before they are capable of truly forming and emotionally intimate bond and participating as an active partner in R.
iwam, a belated thank you for reminding me over the weekend where I am and why I am here.
Tribe, w-a-l posted a link to a great video over in R. It is an excellant discussion of shame and vulnerability.
ok needed to give a shout out to still...
you gots some great advice, and cut yourself some major slack honey you are still raw from it all, there is so so much information to absorb and the mind, the heart and the soul just cannot process it all and still have a normal life,...so this is where you need to set down your priorties and you need to do them.....the rest does not matter.....take care of you, your kids and your health and your soul, your heart is broken and you may feel like it will never heal, but it will, i won't lie to you, it will never be the same, but it will heal no matter what outcome happens you will heal...why, because you will make this your number one priority and all you do will be geared for it, so make the decision and have all of your choices back that up.....
for the 180, follow nell, she even has a 180 train thread in general which she has nurtured, which includes all those that post on it....
for the telling of the bh, i told my ws, ow's bh several months later also...it was so hard to be the one to give him such devastating news...but i did it and he was wonderful to me....not all bs's will take it quite so well...they will want to know if you have an agenda...and let him know that yes, your agenda is to do the right thing and inform him of his wifes betrayal, because he has the right to know, and if he decides to save his marriage, he needs to know as much as possible to do just that as do you....and it would be nice knowing that someone was on the other side watching her while you are watching him...after all you both have the same goal then....
k, thats all i have time for...
and honest: the walk is not so bad once you get started...and i think you should aquire some of the
"ghetto anger" too...
Honest -- I am thinking of you so much. Your courage has gotten you this far - I know it will be there for you in the days ahead.
Ats - thinking of you as well. Compassion should not be human bondage. I like Honest's thought of speaking with her IC?
Miracle - great advice to Scared. I'm taking it as well.
NJ - always good and honest advice
SisterMilkshake - I agree, the BS should always be told. Always.
I know I am missing a lot, I have been out of town a few weeks and it is always hard to keep up. I just need to start posting more don't I?
This is a wonderful "tribe"...thanks to you all
The only real concerning evidence that I have recently is that last weekend I found an empty bottle of Cialis in his truck hidden inside a sock. He says it was for me and that he was embarrassed and it was in his truck to get a refill.....
Missed that in my haste earlier today.
I would not sleep a wink til I got to the bottom of that. Has he ever had any issues with this before? A lot of guys use it just to have marathon like sex, even if there' no actual problem. I would want to see Rx records and would watch him like a damn hawk.
I'm dead serious.
That doesn't sit well with me at all.
And, tell the BH. He deserves to know. I think if your H is inclined to leave you because the OW becomes available it would've been a doomed R anyway. He will be your eyes & ears as the others said & he otherwise deserved to know.
ALright. Got to go pick up some more kids now.
ETA: O, I see now that he said it was to get a refill. Ok, then my question is why would he need the bottle to get it refilled? If it's an auto-refill thing you would know that from looking at the bottle. So, you make a phone call. Did he make the phone call? If it's not an auto-refill thing, then don't you just go to the md? No need for the bottle.
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 2:35 PM, April 4th (Monday)]
You can look at your pansies and think "I did that."
Nell is right. FWIW, Baby Paddy (my one year old daughter) is one of my personal self-esteem heroes. Every time she does something new, from all her hard-won skills, she cheers herself on by either triumphantly yelling her own name or boasting "Got it!" or "I did it!" and that girl unerringly stands up for herself too -- yelling at her two year old brother "Hey! I don't like that!" when he takes her toy or "brother! go!" if he hits her. (baby genius)
so, you know, in those harder moments do what I do and tell yourself "The least I can do is be as tough as a one-year-old..."
But, seriously, I've got a boatload of FOO I'm fighting too, and her Daddy is wrapped around her finger and so proud of her -- I see her behavior and I know that little by little WH and I really are breaking that cycle.
Honest -- thanks for the compliment. Weirdly, I've been a wreck all day since I wrote all of that. I think growing a bit shook me up.
ATS -- I'm not saying that you've got to stick this out. She's put you through the wringer and then some. frankly, I think you'd have every right to end the marriage without any A's. But, I think you should try to understand two things. (1) maybe instead of analytically saying to yourself she's a CSAB survivor, try re-wording it in other, wholly accurate language -- how about instead of sexually abused as a child you try repeatedly raped as a little girl for years on end with no way to leave, defend herself, prevent it or stop it.
If your wife turns the card over and verbalizes it, it's true. She can only handle so much truth at once. She's pushing so hard to put this behind her and become a whole person for the first time in her life that she's pushing too hard and cutting sometimes. Cut her some slack.
broken promise: Hi! Nice to "see" you.
I also found the refill paperwork in his truck. I found woman's eye glasses also.
Just my two cents....
welcome Scared...sorry to hear about your situation. You got a lot of good advice here. Unfortunately, it does sound like the affair is still going on.
If I were you I would not confront your husband right away...just observe and try to gather more evidence. If you confront without concrete evidence he will just deny and take the affair underground.
Do you have access to his cell phone records? to his credit card bills? to his computer password? If not get a keylogger and start monitoring.
And....definitely tell the OW's BH. It's the right thing to do and may help end the affair once and for all.
Whatever the fallout from it is your husband's fault.
I outted my husband's LTA to everyone-friends, family, co-workers-to this day I do not regret it. D-day was hitting bottom for my husband.
The Cialis...definitely a red flag. His continued drinking-not acceptable.
Start reading the healing library articles on the left side of the page.
Honest- How are you today?
Allgood- Sorry I didn't have a chance to comment on your WH's all nighter. I am so sorry. No matter where your marriage is headed something like that is not easy to deal with.
m33,miracle, tryin, ats- great comments and advice
Ats-sending you a pm
I was doing ok for most of the day, and now having damn anxiety attacks.
I can't wait until WH leaves.
I'm getting so hurt and mad, and I'm sure that's his intention. Even common courtesy would dictate you say something when you leave the house.... He's asking the kids to get things for him it's like I'm not even here.
I know I shouldn't let it affect me, but it hurts so damn much. He says he divorced me because I don't respect him anymore because of looking at his phone, checking on him, etc.
I just want to settle this, but I have to wait a few more days.
Yes, I'm going to a lawyer.
Sorry for the vent.
respect...he has no clue what that is...he wants a slave, a servant, someone who will wait on him hand and foot and use you like a fucking blow up doll for sex.....he does not want respect, he wants control, he wants a stepford wife....
the more he detaches honest, truly is the best thing for you....find peace within the silence if you can....
I'm getting so hurt and mad, and I'm sure that's his intention.
LOVE LOVE LOVE the mad part...and not that is not his intention...his intention is to punish you, when in reality he is doing you a tremendous favor...with exception to finances honest...180 180 180 180
and definitely keep busy, and dress sexy when you go out too!!!
promise...glad you peeked in...
still: ok, so you are not such a newbie...i bet you still in a big way feel like it.....when you find out that your ws was involved in an lta the whole game is changed up, there is usually so much more information involved, never mind the emotions attached.....it is so overwhelming and as you go through the year, you constantly look at each and every day and wonder, what the fuck was (s)he doing last year on this date (day)...was (s)he with the op, was the thoughts with the op....when we had sex, was it really just us...every holiday becomes tainted.....but the good news for some, i should say for most, the lta did not preceed your marriage...this is a biggie, (i can honestly say that because for me it was the opposite)...when you don't have a before the entire marriage becomes a huge lie....when you do have a before you need to draw on that time...was your marriage a good one? was your spouse good to you? were you happy?...did your ws treat you differently during the "a"....so many questions, they are unending....and i hope for the sake of your marriage he answers them all....when you have a ws who does not withhold info and is open and honest and transparent...reconcilliation will go so much more smoother....it still may not work but you at least have a fighting chance because then you KNOW that HE IS TRYING TO GET IT even if he doessn't yet...and a remorseful ws who is willing and able to do what it takes is one who gets it or is at least in process of getting it...
a couple of days ago my family and i were sitting at the kitchen table finishing up dinner and we started to talk about easter, and pfm said last year we went to a super close freind of the family, i not only did not remember this but i insisted that we didn't....a while later and after my kids said yes, all but one....it finally dawned on me that yes we did....just goes to show you i am over 2 years out and i am still in somewhat of a fog....i have lost so much...not only have i lost what i thought i had in a marriage, but i lost me along the way, and i lost so much time since d-day because i myself was lost in my pain.....
lta's just suck....affairs suck of course, but when they are a lta the suckage is monumental....prior to d-day i would have told anyone who asked that an affair would be grounds for immediated divorce...a total dealbreaker....then d-day hit and i learned that i could have accepted it...then i learned it was a lta, and still i learned i might have been able to accept it....but the lies that are still there...NEVER...can't live with someone who is a liar still....its not a good way to live....
so we are all learning about ourselves and what we can accept and what we cannot....tis a process, a truly hard, devastating process....
Miracle: You are right, as a NPD, WH is punishing me. I didn't play by his rules. He did keep warning me since dday that if I kept pushing for more info, I would push him away. My problem was I was trying to have a "normal" intimate relationship with him, and a few times I thought we did, or he pretended we did, but we didn't.
I do understand, Miracle about not having a "before". WH was seeing this other girl before me, and throughout the time we were dating and probably after we were married too. He also had a lot of "flings" while we were dating also.
Some of the things he told me, I'm trying to digest, but there were three things that really stung: I asked was he cheating on her with me, or me with her? He said "I was seeing both of you." Not even a priority then. The othere was after he was talking about that he could never be with just one woman and a lot of women wouldn't care, and then says almost to himself,"xgf wouldn't have cared." Like he made the wrong choice or something.
The other thing is he told me he married me because he thought I'd be better off marrying him being a divorced single mother of 2 kids. So what is he doing? Divorcing me with HIS 2 kids. They are the same age as my two older DS's were when we got married.
Ok, vent over.
I just took an anti anxiety med and some chamomile tea. <sigh>
Honest - You are sounding stronger. And it's a good sign that you are able to detach, even if it's just a little bit, while you WH is here. He is a master manipulater and he is full-speed ahead at this point. God knows it hurts, but use the hurt and turn it into anger so that you can do what needs to be done.
Miracle - Sounds like you're hurting tonight. I'm so sorry. You are usually the Rock of Gibralter for all of us so it's good that you know you can come here and let us support you for a change.
Scared - Welcome. I don't know your whole story yet but I can definitely identify with what you've written.
So if he wants to be by my side....he needs to step up. He needs to be the man that he appears to be to everyone else.
Hugs to all!
Been so busy at work I haven't been able to post. Been something of a "lurker " I guess.
Speaking of lurkers. I have hidden you in M33's anthuriums. FNF (another lurker) is peering through the windows!
FWH had to work a double shift today - day and evening. At first I was a bit panicked - he told me this before when he needed an excuse for extra time with OWs. (Silly me didn't check his payslips before!) Fortunately I now have independent proof that he IS working tonight. So "sigh of relief".
The weather is starting to cool off in OZ so hopefully you are all starting to get a little warmer.
You are on the home straight honey. This shitty life you have been leading is coming to an end. It can only get better from here on in. We are all with you. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult this is for you but you know that in the long term it is for the best - so chin up, get your claws out and screw the bastard
Just imagine the day when you can advertise to the world what an arsehole he is. Trust me - one day you will do this. You need to stop thinking about the "hurt". You need to get and stay mad. Use your anger to give you the strength to get what you need for you and the kids. I know that in my darkest times anger is my friend. I'd rather feel anger than the pain any day. So get mad!!!!
I think we need an update. I read all the time but am unsure of everyone's status. In fact I am not even sure if everyone on here knows. I am trying to work out who believes he/she is in R, who is on the road to S/D who doesn't know.
I suspect the lurkers and those who pop in from time to time also feel the same.
So can we label ourselves??
I would say I am in tentative R. Have hope for the future but am steeling myself against disappointment. I don't like feeling this way. I want to put my faith 100% in FWH but am too scared to do so in case he lets me down ie becomes an arsehole again and or resumes with OW2 or OW3 or someone else!!
Love you all heaps.
BTW = I really think one day we should all meet up on our island paradise and have some FUN!