I am going to print out all the advice and carry it around with me.
I always prayed to God for a supportive family and friends. I have such a small family and I'm the one who took care of everyone, including my mother.
But, God has answered my prayers by giving me all of you.
I can't thank you all enough.
It's not the same as telling some people IRL, you guys know my whole sitch and remember things WH did or said a long while ago, that even I forgot.
NJgirl, it wasn't just him telling me about all the other OW's that made me snap, it was because I thought he wanted to do DNA testing on OUR two DS's like he did with the OC's. That made me snap.
You, my wonderful SI family and friends, show me that this is abusive manipulative behavior. There was another thread in general saying something about an abuser who is manipulative and wanting control by having a "honeymoon" to keep you in and then the abusive behavior.
Yes, he almost killed my soul.
You guys are fanning the fire of my soul and spirit to keep it alive.
I am so sorry for taking up all this time and attention from everyone when you are all in such pain yourselves. God bless you all. My biggest prayer is that I can help you all in the way you are helping me.
I am making that list in big bold letters of everything. I will borrow Allgood's anger. I will keep in mind that this is not just affecting me, but my kids. His horrible behavior not only affected me, but my kids, the OC's (who are also innocent victimes in all this) and everyone who gets in his path.
He took off his mask the other day. I really saw the demon there. He distracted me with the divorce card. I think you are right, NJgal, he was waiting for the right moment to play it, and I was too "good" that he couldn't.
I just remembered something he said the other day when he dropped the big bag of shit, I asked why did he marry me if he was seeing both me and his other gf (she is also another innocent victim. He lied to me that he broke up with her, but didn't, so I guess I was unknowingly the OW too)
He told me he loved me and he thought it would be better for him to marry me, a divorced woman with 2 kids!! My DS's were the same exact age our sons are NOW!!!
I have to journal, reflect and move forward. This is for the best. It is better this way, I just want to settle the finances.
Tryn, Thank you sooooo very much for the picture. I think it's quite accurate, I tried to put up with a sitch by protecting myself with raingear like it shows in the pic, but not actually DOING something to get rid of it.
I am praying for each and every one of you. I am praying for all of you that give me such wonderful advice and those who gave me hugs and the lurkers who also are giving me thoughts and prayers. I thank each and every one of you.
Please remember this, in all of these horrible things that are happening to us, YOU, the tribe, have done something really wonderful....You have saved my life and thus helped my kids.
You are all heroes. I love you all so much!!!
I really needed your support and reminding me of the reality of how WH is.
I was a little sneaky in that I would wait until he had a few too many drinks and then start asking questions about OW. And the questions were really stuff I could have cared less about but his answers actually made me laugh. Like for instance....I asked him what OW looked like naked. He replied "a bottle". He said he told her this one night when he was feeling good and it didn't go over well. I couldn't help but laugh and that is when he said; when he thinks about it now, he could puke.
We went shopping one day and he took me into a jewelry store and insisted he buy me a new wedding ring because he feels badly about me not wearing my old one. He picked out a pretty blue diamond and said it was different for our now "different M". I let him buy it. He wants to get a wedding band to go with it for our 35th next month and re-do vows. I'm not ready to re-do vows and I told him this. I told him I would consider having the priest bless the ring though.
I am not sure why I can't seem to feel better or at least feel as though I'm all in. I still feel uneasy, and I'm afraid to let my guard down with this man. I put him at arms length.
He told me he is trying the best he can, he's sorry for what he has done to me and to his children. I do believe him, I'm just not sure I will ever get past this. I told him at 55 years old, I did not want to start over again but if I had to, I would.
Maybe I just need to totally accept what happened, try to move past it and get on with our life. I just wish someone could give me a libodomy so I could get OW out of my mind. She takes up way too much space and I obsess about her when I know I shouldn't.
Sorry for the ramble, and vent. Ahhhh....I feel so much better.
M3-Baby Paddy is beautiful. Love her smile.
end of 2x4...
fun: well the question of the day...why can't you fully commit to him...several i would think
1. he hurt you deeply, more then you ever thought possible
2. you are still very angry that he could do this in the first place and for so fucking long
3. you are afraid, if you let your guard down, there will be more or he will do it again
4. because she is ugly...all this for one ugly ho...
i could be wrong though....with exception to the ugly one...
Keep on keepin on Honest.
Fun: Well, the vacation must have been very good for it to go 5 days before you were sick of him. Seriously! I think that's really, really good!
And, the ring sounds gorgeous & what a nice sentiment. Really!
My H got me a ring for Xmas that was symbolic of committment. Some people would use it as a wedding ring. I thought it was very sweet until I thought about how unlikely it was that was the reason he bought it, after all, he just gave it to me like the same way he gave any other present, he didn't say anything about it, etc. So, I asked if he was aware of the symbolism. (Which he should've). But, he said he wasn't aware of it, he just liked it. What a let down.
Wore it for 1 week before the shit hit the fan withthe whole Xmas party debacle. Now it's in storage with all of my other fine marriage memorabilia.
O, btw, you guys will like this:
Went to a family party yesterday, by 10, I took my daughter home, we were both exhausted. At midnight, my H drops off the other kids & tells me he's going out with a friend. He then proceeds to come home at 6am! (Which is the time my daughter wakes up.)
So, I gave him 3-4 hours of sleep before announcing I had to go. Left him with the kids since 10am this am and I'm still out.
I am not sure why I can't seem to feel better or at least feel as though I'm all in. I still feel uneasy, and I'm afraid to let my guard down with this man. I put him at arms length.
Until the past few months I would try various arguments or do things that I hoped would "wake-up" FWH to really take ownership of his behavior. Nothing changed until I finally got fed up with feeling sad, angry and depressed. So...I had to start healing myself instead of waiting for him to really be a part of the healing process. Here's the thing....I don't think FWH really believed I was serious about S/D until I was really serious about S/D. In other words, he could tell that I wasn't completely convinced that I needed to move on without him. Once I let myself accept that that was what needed to happen for me to be happy, then he got scared....really scared at teh thought of losing me. But, guess what?? It may be too late now. At 50 I don't want to start over again, but I don't feel any bond or connection with him anymore. He is not "safe" for me. In fact, just the opposite. He has minimized, then stopped minimizing, then minimized again; he keeps saying that NOW he understands, only he doesn't? He talks about being depressed for a week after I said at our last MC session that I was done yet he has no recognition or acknowledgement that I have been depressed, sobbing, lethargic, etc. for months! He's still not mad at OW for her part in hurting me and I want him to be furious at anyone that would hurt me...even himself. But he keeps holding back.
I have to journal, reflect and move forward. This is for the best. It is better this way
He's still not mad at OW for her part in hurting me and I want him to be furious at anyone that would hurt me...even himself. But he keeps holding back.
Just recently he has been telling me unkind things about OW and I'm coming up on 2 years this June. Previously OW in my mind, was still on a pedistal. It pisses me off to no end.
Maybe it will just take longer for your H and mine to see the truth in what really happened. I want my H to know the anguish, the hurt, the betrayal, that I feel. Not sure if he is capable of that.
Miracle - you are right and I can't imagine him in a LTA with this ugly ho risking his family for that? It just doesn't make sense and I'm the type that needs to know the logistics of everything. It makes me feel like I must have been a horrible wife for him to stoop lower than whale shit.
Allgood - Yeahhhh!!!! 3 hours of sleep and taking care of kids! I love it! Have some fun.
Honest - Hugs to you. You know what you have to do and I feel you will prepare and do what is necessary.
Just popping in. Have to get ready for work.
Thinking of you honey. With out ddays fast approaching (plus the anni of my mum's death) I know how hard it is. My FWH didn't really start to "get it" until I began talking about what I would do if we S/D. I told him all about my plans to move to France and teach English. It wasn't until I got talking about the details that he knew I was serious. He then began to fall apart. Up until then he had been saying he was sorry and had been "nice" to me, but it was the talk of moving that really hit him. I guess I had really taken on the advice about being "prepared to lose your marriage". I was serious. And still am. He knows I can make a life without him if necessary.
LOVE IT!!!!!!! How DARE HE stay out all night. Bastard. A dose of reality will do him good. Stay strong love.
What miracle said
HUGS to all
nofun - How long do I stay in this limbo state waiting for the light-bulb to come on for FWH?
I want my H to know the anguish, the hurt, the betrayal, that I feel. Not sure if he is capable of that.
I have an awful lot of stress in my life right now, my business is literally giving me a nervous breakdown. Between that and my M, I'm trying to keep my head above water but I feel like I'm drowning. I seriously feel as though I'm going to lose it. And that scares me. Maybe everything is just going to come crashing down on me.
Sorry for the ramble...I'm not sure where I was going with this.
Scared - I've never seen a definition of what constitutes a long-term A over another kind, but I do know that you are welcome here. Take your time and come here as often as you need to. We're here for you.
Honest - How ya doin??
Scared - I would agree with NJgal...Welcome to our world...hope we can help.
Honest are you ok?
Fun: I hope your biz sitch turns around soon. It's too hard to be attacked on all fronts like that.
Scared: read your bio. Your H has given you a lot of reason to be concerned. What did he say about OW's calls to you - about her allegations that there were others? I think mistakes made in the early aftermath of DDay are the hardest to shake. We are desperately looking for them to snap out of it and seize the chance to R with both hands. Then when we see them break the new rules, well, it just makes it that much harder to believe that they can be believed or trusted again.
Anyway, we "get it". So feel free to vent here.
Good night all.
Scared - welcome to our corner. We all share & we all support each other - we live this experience so we know what youre going thru - the length is irrelevant but the pain is something we all feel.
I can feel it just lurking waiting to pounce on me. Maybe a xanax is in order.
how long ago was your d-day?...this is one of the most devastating events that we could go through......so i hope that you are taking care of yourself...and remember to breathe, every now and then stop and breathe.....
how long can you stay in limbo?...until you decide that you have been there long enough....alot of our ws's don't get it and may never get it....alot of our ws's will never own their shit and come completely clean.....for me i had given pfm 6 months...for me i was not willing to waste another day giving him another chance he was not only not going to take but actually throw it away....pfm was a lousy husband before d-day...this put it over the top...i gave him enough over the years, i was done...so each of us i think needs to look at the whole picture, not just who they showed themselves to be before or during and/or after...but all of it.....next i would look at the affair itself, hopefully it is only one, but for many of us it is not....but look at how it started...had you watched this progression in a movie of the week, would you or could you have understood HOW it happened...NOT THE WHY...but the HOW.....
is all contact null, is the ws completely open and honest and transparent now...
are all emails, texts and phone calls freely shared...
if the ws is a drinker, has that stopped.....same for drugs....
is the ws really doing the work necessary to get to the bottom of WHY...
is the ws being the exemplary spouse NOW...doing everything within their power to make right what they made so wrong....not that the ws can ever make it right, but they can make amends in every and any way possible...
all of these things contribute to a decision to take you out of limbo....
waiting for the ws to me is so damned ironic....why do they deserve for us to wait for them to do what should have been done all along...being the faithful, honest spouse who honors and respects the marriage....but wait we do, because we know that if we don't wait for a time at least we may regret it later on....the question then becomes how long is long enough...
well if your ws is doing it all and you can accept the things that (s)he is not doing then you wait and more then that you work on the marriage...if you find that you are working at it alone...yet another thing to consider in your decision....
deciding to wait is not written in stone, you can change you mind at any point in time....and we bs's do not need any more to end our marriages, imo our ws's did pretty much that when they broke the marriage contract..its like declaring bankruptcy....you don't really pour any more money into it, but you still try to salvage what is left and rebuild to a point where it not only becomes safe to invest in it again but smart....but not all businesses survive bankruptcy, for some, many actually it is the beginning of the end....and when it becomes much more of a liability it becomes prudent to shut it down permanently.....
honest: how are you tonite?
fun: i hope you took one of those xanax,....truly blessed little pills
purple: you sound really good and really strong...so yay
allgood: i could actually see you heading up a p.i. firm....we could call it the lta angels....
about your ws staying out all nite...yup, he's an asshole in the first degree....one that does not want to grow up....i love that you left him with the kids....methinks that maybe you should pull an all niter at some point in the future....would be awesome if you could do it when he has just had one of his own....and if your 2 year old happens to be cutting a tooth and cant sleep that nite....maybe a few nitemares from your boys...and of course he has to not feel well himself....yup... i like that idea....
seriously tho, i kno it has to hurt on some level.....and on another i am sure it makes you really really angry....
Still - welcome. My official definition of LTA is +2 years because my analytical brain read it is rare for an affair to last longer than that. For now, the only thing I have to add is this: the longer you stay in limbo, the more depressed you will become so please have professional assistance in caring for you own mental health.
ATS - did she have IC Friday? IC then cutting - well, that would actually be good in a weird way b/c it would mean progress on a tough issue in IC. This month in Oprah's magazine there is an interview with a 75 yr. Old poet who says she's really started to get past her CSAB in the last 5 years. She tried to ignore it but finally started IC at age 70.
Laura, thanks for my Anthuriums.
Sunshine turned 2 today. He woke up singing himself as much of happy birthday as he could remember. WH was home all day, played catch with the kids... It was a very, very good day.
Interestingly, he was rattled when he woke up yesterday, said he'd dreamt I was driving the boat with the kids on board and for some reason he was in the water and I was just driving away from him.
The only time I've seen him more rattled from a dream was when he dreamt I was cheating on him with Evander Hollyfield.
IC asked me what was the ah ha that led to D #1 and the conversation led me to realize that the difference was XH was sick and not getting better whereas things with WH are not getting better as fast as i'd like but they are getting better.
WH also surprised me by coming home 2 hours early Friday to spend some time with me while nanny was still here to watch the kids.
Strong - I just want to say I am so impressed by you. I hope I can be as graceful as you are some day.
Tryn and njgal, thank you for your kind and stern words to honest. I appreciate the time you take to bring us forward. I imagine us rock climbing with your outstretched hands ready to help us over the edge at the top so we can take in the awesome view.
It's late and I am tired. Hugs to everyone else - especially fun - and I'll "talk to you tomorrow.
Nofun, I'm sorry that your business is giving you more stress. It doesn't seem fair that with all the heartache we've been through that we still have to put up with the other horrible stuff in life.
It does sound like you had a fairly decent vacation, although you are unsure of what to do and feel confused. Give yourself a dateline, like a few months, the way Ats did. If you keep seeing progress, you can extend it...if not then you will know what to do.
Strongish, I know how much you want WH to say bad things about the OW. Somehow it makes us feel that they really have distanced themselves emotionally from the OW when they do. Otherwise, the OP is like a lingering, malignant ghost.
You are right, when you are really, really ready to let go of the M, that's when the possibility of a brand new marriage could possibly grow.
ScaredStill: welcome to our little corner of SI. I agree with the others, an affair that lasted over a year certainly qualifies for a LTA. Come here and share and vent. There are wonderful people here that can help.
Deep, sounds like you are getting stronger. Wonderful news.
As for me? WH is still keeping up his silent treatment, although we talked a bit. I repeated that the smack (it wasn't a slap really, I flicked my wrist) was because I snapped because of everything that was said that day and everything before, he said, he knows, and that it wasn't just the smack, but that it really brought home to him that I don't respect him anymore.
He said that me looking at his phone, etc. shows him that I don't respect him, and that's why we have to divorce.
Ok, ok, it really is insane, but it made me feel better. I know it's because he's crazy. Of course I no longer respect him, how could anyone after all he has done?
And, Laura, I also put in while I got a chance something I have done before. I told him that I would never say bad things about him to our DS's (this is more for them anyway, I know how much it hurts), I would always have them respect him. I also said to judge me on all the time we spent together over 23 years and that he always called me an "angel". To know I would never purposely hurt him or screw him and that I know he wouldn't purposely hurt me or screw me.
I asked if we could talk about what this all means in a few days. He said, not tomorrow, and I agreed, sometime next week.
I just want to civilly work out what he is going to say the finances will be. We had already discussed this in the past, but now it's real.
This is hard. I have to keep reminding myself when I look at him that the man I'm seeing there is an illusion. He revealed his true self to me the other day. I have to keep remembering that.
But, I still mourn the marriage and life I thought I had. I mourn the dream.
ETA, M3, we were cross posting, thank you for your good wishes and "message from God".
[This message edited by honesttoafault at 12:03 AM, April 4th (Monday)]
The key toward your happiness will happen with you becoming a powerful woman again. Dependent on yourself. Your inner beauty is a 10 of 10. So many employers want such a woman. You can do this.
See what you will be faced with. Every day, send one resume out. Start going around to local places and asked if they have openings. Companies like to hire people already employed so you might have to start with a part-time job. Feeling engaged and productive is the real key to happiness. We feel good when we are contributing to others. You go volunteer for a food shelter an hour a day.
Everyone experiences some trauma in their lives. What you do from today on will get you out of this rut.
You can do a credit check now to determine how much debt you H might have. It's free at http://www.experian.com/ just be careful to cancel it quickly after you see it. Somehow, find the money to protect your kids and you. In Indiana, the cost is $2500 for retainer. Your boys can do this for you if you donít have it. Get a cash advance on your credit card. Do it.
The end of this chapter of you life ends now, and the new doors are opening. YOU can do this. It will be a challenge, adventurous, exciting and fun if you let it be. A new partner is waiting for all the sweetness you have to offer. Make it so!