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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 24
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest:

I'm getting punished for what he did and what he told me

I agree with Miracle - only in his mind is it a punishment. For you it is most certainly a gift.

Nell: Forgot to welcome you back & I'm glad you had a good time on your trip.

I wonder when Fun is due to return.

Alright.
Good night.
Sleep tight.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura that is positively brilliant advise...and wow...you are good...!!!


no 2x4's honest, just lots of love and hugs....sleep tite tonite....when does he leave?


(((honest)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys.

Laura, I wrote in the card, but I see that he hasn't even opened it.

I usually can talk to him, but he won't even look at me now or listen to me when I talk. He says he doesn't want to talk, there is nothing I can say to him. I am no longer his wife.

When I gave him a note last night, he tore it up in front of me and threw it in the garbage without looking at it.

I wish I could talk to him in any way.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he is not open to it honest....when he is do as laura suggests...in the meantime try to "enjoy" the respite...i know the word enjoy is not quite the right word...but his doing the 180 really is a gift honest....you need it, especially since it is so difficult for you to do the detaching, this will help....

as for finances...does he usually just put money in the checking account or whatever to cover all the expenses...do you have to talk to him concerning extra finance shit....that would i think be the biggest sticky area....if he is closed off he won't listen, if he won't listen he may not give you what you need...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's not listening at all. Ignoring me big time. WH just went down the basement to go to bed, made it a point to say good night to the DS's and ignores me.

This is not just 180, it's cruel. WH sits on the couch with DS and is laughing at the movie, talking to him, etc.

Oh, I'm an idiot.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest

No you are NOT an idiot!!!!

Now, YOU NEED TO THINK AND PLAN. He is doing 180 to upset you. Play into his hands. Be upset. Tell him you hate to think of HIM going home so upset. You have watched him with the children while he is here. You are so worried about how they will feel about HIM when you D (legally). You can see how much they love HIM and want to be sure that continues.

Ask him what you should tell the children so they are not upset with HIM? You understand why he doesn't want you now and can accept not having sex with him as you are no longer his wife but you are worried about the children's relationship with HIM.

Tell him that if he signed the house over to you and paid off the mortgage (do you have one?) the children would see that he still loves them and their love for HIM would not be affected. They would see that he is a man of "principal" who cares for his children and so would continue to love them. BS BS BS BS.

You may not actually be able to say these exact things but this is the mindset you need now. Your total focus needs to be on conning him. It may even mean that while he is still there you have to say things like this to the kids - that he is a great dad and you know how much they love him. That because he is a great dad you know he will take care of them.

Stay strong honey. When it gets tough remember the team is behind you, holding you up and giving you strength.

Love

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 12:09 AM, April 3rd (Sunday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest your in my prayers. Take care; you've rcd some great advice. Just be careful please.

Nell - way to go

Laura - absolutely love the collage. Beautiful shore break, lovely ladies to boot.
Its a beatuful piece of art work.

Ats - chin up bro.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi DP

Maybe a little ESP happening - I just finished sending you a pm and went to check LTA and "Voila"!!

Glad you liked the collage

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest- detach, detach, detach....
he is a rat.
Sounds to me like he was planning this for a long time and was looking for a reason to finally 'divorce you'.

Really?

He finally admits to numerous OW throughout your marriage and he talks about 'divorcing' other women (does that mean he married them because there was an OC too?). He tells you that he will never be faithful to one woman-that he needs this variety and that's the way it goes....
and you lose it and smack him and HE's upset?

Give me a break.
He should have been a fly on the wall in my house post d-day. My husband got punched, pushed away, had all kinds of things thrown at him and all around the room.
All this from a wife that had rarely raised her voice to him in all our years of marriage.
Funny, how betrayal can do those things to someone.
I never used to understand those men that shot the OM/WW or themselves etc. I used to always (very flippantly) say...why didn't they just get divorced?

It wasn't until I experienced the depth of the emotions post d-day ...that was when I understood how someone could be pushed to the edge that way.
(I'm not excusing it of course-just saying that I understand it now).

You know, Honest...one of the books that I read to try to understand my BPD mother described BPD behavior toward their young children as 'soul murder'.

I think that's an apt description for what your STBXH is doing to you.

Don't worry about whether or not he reads the card or rips it up.
If I were you I would rip the card up myself.
You have absolutely nothing to apologize about.
Let him detach, let him leave and go back to the OC and OW.
I disagress about ehgaging him in any kind of discussion now.....
I don't think it will turn out well. Right now he wants to punish you and demonize you to justify his horrible behavior.
Don't you see? If you're a horrible person he has permission to do what he does.
Meanwhile, if he said you were a wonderful wife and mother how could he justify doing what he did and continues to do?
No...he was looking for an excuse to villify you.

Let him go back and you have to quietly get yourself to a lawyer on Monday morning and start figuring out your plan of action.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest this is another form of manipulation on his part...he has upped his ante....

why honest do you find this so cruel?.....get mad hon, get good and mad....mind you don't get mad visibly to him, but in your heart get mad...think of all this man has said to you, all he has done to you to your boys.....think of who he is, who you thought he was....get mad, get angry and use it to get you through this.....i know you hurt hon, i know this hurts you to your core....so get mad and get perspective.....


sit down in a quiet spot, close your eyes and remember, remember all the promises he made, then start with all the insults, and list all the things he told you were wrong with you..then think about his betrayals, of you, your boys and your angel baby......use the anger to keep from falling.....don't fall into those depths of dispair, and don't buy his shit...why, because its SHIT!!!!

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 7:03 AM, April 3rd (Sunday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest:
I would like to exchange some of my anger for some of your patience.
What do you think?
I promise to return your patience to you as soon as your D is final.
I have to say that whenever my H does something unbelievably ridiculous, I use it as an opportunity to say "See. I have no choice. There can be no doubt that S/D is the way to go,etc." I've also been very good at stepping back and seeing the manipulation now. Things that I would have previously found charming, I see it as manipulative now, and it disgusts me.

I think the 1 thing you need to make sure you do before he goes is to jointly sit down with the boys. Don't let him have you holding the bag and covering his ass. I know he is not speaking toyou but you might want to say something like, the boys know something is up. I think it is in their best interest that we tell them our plans to divorce together so they can still feel safe and secure. For you to leave & for me to have to explain this to them without your physical presence & input is not enough. It will cause them to worry. Tell them that you are going to tell them at (pick a date and time before he goes) & that's that.

AND, did I get it right that the almighty Mr. Dishonest slept in the basement last night?!? (I hope you turned the heat down. Lol.)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes honest

Get mad, really mad and use your anger to stay strong and get what you need.

I have always said that I am a really nice person but that when I'm crossed I'm a vindictive bitch. If I was you my rage would be overwhelming but I would use it to take control of the the situation.

YOU are a really nice person but now it is time to find the bitch in you and take control.

You can do this. Don't let the [pain get in the way. You can feel the pain later. let the anger take over now and go after what you need.

As NJ said - see an attorney tomorrow. See what you can do ASAP. Make sure the bill is made out to your STBXH!!!!!

Hugs

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just get back from vaca and can't believe how the shit has hit the fan.

Honest - I don't know how you do it. I think I would have beat the crap out of him with DP's baseball bat, not just slap him. When does Mr. Dishonest go back? He is being manipulative and cruel by not speaking to you. I know this kind of behavior well. I find that giving him back the same (no speaking to him, act as if he is not even in the house)works the best, at least for me. I do understand the financial aspect of what you are afraid of, that is why you need to see an attorney tomorrow. I'm afraid your WH is going to do what he damn pleases no matter what strategy you take. And what ever happens you will survive. You are a strong, kind and loving woman. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Laura - love the collage...you are so talented.

Nell - welcome back. Seems like you had a great time.

Sistermilkshake - I came home to snow. Isn't the great north east wonderful?

I haven't had a chance to read back too much. I'll catch up one of these days. My thoughts are with all of you. I missed the tribe.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey honest... Let me give you some loving guidance.

He's not listening at all. Ignoring me big time

of course you know this is a form of manipulation.

Honest, you have to find a way to get financially independent. He controls you with money. This threat causes you to go into panic mode. I see you stuck in this mode and in pure misery. We have been sharing post with each other for a long time now and I see this fear in your soul. Food on the table and a roof over your head is a tremendous fear for us all. It is a basic need for us all.

You can do this and become independent. With this accomplishment will come a comfort and peace that will make you so satisfied your depression will disappear. You are stuck until you take action. It is not going to fall in your lap. Until you move forward, you are stuck in this co-dependence with a man that is really an abuser is so many ways. It is going to need to start with you. Of course you already know this I say. It is going to take a leap. It is going to take you doing something every day for this day forward.

I recommend you steps in this way.
1) Can you dream? Can you vision a future with a peace? You need a dream, a way to somehow fantasies about being alone in peace with your kids, divorced, at peace with him, with the blessings you have, with yourself taking care of yourself.

2) You must go get a job. It can be any job for now be it part time or full time. You need to stop all the negative, I cannot do and somehow start being more positive with the I can do it. The greatest feelings in the world come with the satisfaction of accomplishing something. To get this feeling again, you need to get something. Example: At home customer service jobs can provide both benifits and good pay...

3) You must somehow look at getting an attorney. At all cost. Even if it takes a loan to do it.

Placating him is your strategy now and is OK for now but I think the shoe must drop. During my run I had this vision for you…


You have this black cloud following you around. There is so much beautiful blue sky around. Sometime in life you just sit down, relax and take that deep breath and blow it away.


BTW.. this is not a 2x4.. it me hoping you have the courage to move into a new peace.

[This message edited by trynhard at 10:10 AM, April 3rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: I like that picture/analogy.

AND FUN!!!! Did you think you were just droppin in without telling us what happened on vacation?!?
You know how I detest cliffhangers?
Please share with the group!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes fun do share...


inquiring minds want to know...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun - welcome home! And snow in April is no fun. I live in the Midwest, similar weather to the Northeast. Except I think we might get much colder here. -30 below windchills often in the winter.

I feel so inadequate here in LTA. I am able to give a little bit of advice and support in JFO and General, but really feel at a loss here.

But, just wanted to let you know I am here and listening, reading and praying for all the tribe.

(((tribe)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

milkshake....well honestly i think you have been doing so well, you have been able lately to respond to almost everyone....a far cry from where i was when i first got here....it took me months upon months, i was so wrapped up in pain, so overwhelmed with all the info i seemed to learn on a daily basis...and because of all of that the peeps here at the lta got me through every bit of it, they gave me love, hugs, reason, perspective and when i was tired they brought me back, when i was lost, they found me.....you are doing just fine....so give yourself some credit, kkkkkk

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 10:36 AM, April 3rd (Sunday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle - thanks for your kind words! I will keep on and do my best to follow and help where I can.

I think all of you here are brave and strong. When I grow up I want to be just like you all!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 8990 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, April 3rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Milkshake - Your thoughts and words of support are invaluable! No one, I mean NO ONE here expects you to have the answers, especially to our problems. What we, or maybe I should say, I crave is the support, the shoulder to cry on, someone to make me feel that my anger and rage are justified and that I'm not just blowing things out of proportion. Our WS's make us so crazy that we start to think that we're the ones that are broken. I know that's exactly how I felt for a long time. I would come here and seek affirmation for what I was feeling. I didn't have enought self-confidence to feel that I deserved to feel anger at FWH. The Tribe has helped put me keep my sich in perspective. There are worse situations than I am in, and better....but the people here never minimize my hurt or pain. Even though they are hurting themselves, they continue to reach out to others and when you're ready you will be able to do the same. As Miracle says...just keep breathing.

Honest - My heart is just aching for you today. I've been thinking of you constantly and your sich is tearing me up. There is no doubt....your WH is emotionally abusive to you. He doesn't deserve you and the kind heart that you have. Please, please take this time to detach even more. Hugs to you.


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