I'd appreciate any advice.
At first I thought I really wanted to try to R. After all I have spent 2/3 of my life with this man and until D day thought we were happy ( with the usual minor problems that I thought most couples had after 25 years of marriage). I think I must have been blocking out a lot of my feelings. I even remember thinking I should be feeling worse a few weeks ago. Well now I am feeling worse. My mind is spinning. One minute I want to R the next I don't think I can move past what he's done. I am asking myself if I'm being weak by staying. I'm hoping one of you can help me understand why I haven't kicked him to the curb without a second thought. When I go over what he has done in my mind I can't believe any sane person would stay. I have only confided in one friend and while she is supportive of any decision I make I'm sure she thinks I'm crazy to even contemplate giving him another chance. I try and rationalize with myself that if he were an alcoholic or drug addict I wouldn't automatically end our marriage, but this seems so much worse. I feel so betrayed. I still can't fathom how he could have behaved this way for so many years and without me knowing. I'm usually a pretty astute person. How could he have fooled me for so long. I also don't know how he can claim he has loved me though out all this. He says he never once wanted to leave me ( well thanks, why would he when he was having his cake and eating it too).
I just don't know what to do. I'm questioning my every thought. Am I staying for the wrong reasons because I think the devil I know is better than the one I don't ? I do still have feelings for him though I'm not sure I'd call them "love" at this point. I still enjoy being with him ( when I forget what he's done for a second). Sorry, I'm rambling on I know. Just had to get some of this out of my head. My IC was away this week so I haven't had the chance to get this out.
I sent you a PM.
Don't expect to have answers any time soon. Give yourself time and TLC. Don't try to live up to anyone's expectation of how you "should" act or behave. Eat properly, drink lots of water and get medication if you need it. And I strongly urge you to find a S-anon or COSA group in your area. You may not identify with the codependent label some people adopt in these situations-I don't-but the support of those in the same boat is priceless. Read the first page of this thread for a list of excellent books to help you get your feet on the ground. My two favorite for newbies are 1) Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal and 2) Mending a Shattered Heart
Hang in there. Post. PM me if you need to.
Humiliation, the to big of a secret to keep, it's crushing you, and the new reality of your life and of the man you spend most of your life with... same here, and probably most of us.
My WH also had experiences with man, hard for me to understand, might be all of them get to that point. You can PM me if you want the details, more that willing to share them.
I don't know which part of the story is harder for me to understand, the hookers, the group sex, swinging, dating sights or the man and the level of intimacy he allowed himself have with these dirty strangers.
And that was the man I thought I knew...
I guess I end up feeling "stupid". Somehow I think I should have known... but my therapist (also his) assures me that SAs are very good at hiding their addiction. For a while, I also felt like somehow I had chosen a spouse poorly. But again, my last therapist and I went through our whole dating history and said that there were no obvious signs of addiction. Even my H has said that the addiction went into a "remission" for much of our early marriage.
We need to hold our heads high. More and more spouses will be joining our ranks as this addiction continues to grow expedentially. I have many trusted friends IRL that know the story. If I were to keep it a secret i would not have an authentic relationship with them. Others know that my H is an addict, but I do not disclose what kind (and suprisingly, no one has asked).
Remember, we are amazing women who have learned some hard life lessons.
In that I was asking if I should hire a PI to investigate a ABS that my H was going to that I happened to pick up on the gps while after I found out he was txting and possible A with OW last summer (2010)
He would not admit to anything going on so I felt I had to check things out on my own if he wasn't going to be honest with me.
Well, to make a long story short I did hire the PI to check it out. The PI called me after 1 night and his guy said it was just a small place with video arcade booths. I insisted that there had to be more. So he sent a different guy the 2nd night. Of course, with my luck, H did not go on either of the nights.
PI called me with his report last night(Sat) and was quite upset! He said I was right and it was worse than he thought.
He said that this place seems to be a place for men to come and look at videos in arcades and hook up.
The arcades have partitions where the men can knock and ask if you want to lift the partition and jerk off together while watching the movies.
There was another dark medium/large room with one chair that was similar to the gaming arcades with steering wheels but this had no steering wheel.
Nothing was going on in there but he felt was another area where they may actually engage in sex or maybe another viewing screen was in there as well.
After, much insistance and some under the table money, this PI guy was able to find out that in back of the building (have to leave the front entrance and walk there)is where they have the glory holes.
He had to pay money to get in that area as well. He was told that it was men only using or servicing the holes.
The PI guy was able to wiggle out of there by saying he misunderstood and thought they had women too. NOPE, no women!
I asked the PI to be on standby cause I want the guy to be there when my H goes. I want to know to what extent H is acting out.
The PI was very upset with me saying that he was very worried for me and that I need to get tested ASAP. He was a former cop in NYC and he said these type of places used to be all over there and they are breeding grounds for all kinds of diseases.
He said, just the fact that your H goes there, means he is gay.
This PI was extremely nice and very, very upset for me! I could tell he was very concerned and disturbed by the whole thing.
I have to say..I am extremely calm. I mean I feel no urgency to confront or lose it at all.
Personally, I am going with my gut. I am going to continue with my CSAT and work on how to confront and deal with this whole thing.
I sit here and think about my whole 25 years with H and I really don't think he is gay. I would lean on the SA esculating or maybe he has been BI?
Hit me with 2x4! Am I just in denial?
I see others write about their H having male to male experiences but do you think your H is gay or bi?
It seems to be that society is now condoning same sex activity without having to be homosexual or lesbian.
I am not hating H at this point, I feel sorry for him. Really, wow...the SCAT said this is all part of the FOO and self-loathing, pain relieving they go thru.
I am grateful for SI and now having and IC that gets it.
I woke up sick with an upper respiratory yesterday too(green/yellow yuckys stuff) and it is making me very tired to really care. If that could be possible. I told H that I didn't feel well and that all feels broke, telling him sex is out for awhile. I need to get re-tested. I know this.
I don't know why I am not panicking. I just don't think he is having sex with men..I think he is doing the voyerism part. That is my gut or my denial speaking hard to say.
It is such a fine line isn't it? Between gut and denial
As they say here it proably is worse so I am mentally trying to prepare myself for that.
Can someone help me word how to confront without giving away my sources. I do not want to say I hired a PI.
The place is out of the way a bit, not some place I could say I drove by and saw him cone out or what not.
Sorry if this is chopped up and off beat...I am not really feeling well and going to the Dr tomorrow for meds.
thanks for listening and sorry we all are here..how sad
[This message edited by cheetabump at 10:56 PM, October 2nd (Sunday)]
Sorry you find yourself in our "club." My SA WH is still in active sex addiction. We have been separated for 2 years, married 25.
When I can get on my feet, I'll be divorcing, as he will not get help or change (he did the pretend Recovery/counseling thing for a long time). I can only imagine the stuff he's done that I don't know about. I already know enough horrendous crap. I'm sure he's been with men by now, also. But, mostly, he prefers Asian hookers/massage parlor girls, which are plenty in S. Calif.
S-Anon groups really helped me.
I'm glad you found this site...:)
Welcome to the newbies, there's lots of support here, I hope you post often. SA is a difficult, long term struggle and we spouses need as much support as we can muster.
I'm so so sorry about your discovery. IMO, the calmness is probably shock. At least, that's what it would be for me. I hope you feel better soon (re: URI) and continue to see the CSAT. After you're better, please see a gyn asap for updated testing. I dunno about the gay/bi issue re: SAs who act out with men. Most often members here say that their therapists tell them that same sex acting out is often 'just' ramping up of activity because the SA needs a bigger thrill. I have no experience with this myself though and can't share any accurate information. Denial is a powerful thing, I know. All I have to say is that if he spends so much time there, it's doubtful he's 'only watching'. That's so hard to type, knowing you're on the other end hoping for the best. Hugs, cheetah. I hope I'm wrong.
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
The sadness is hitting me. I know it is coming..it has to..no one can hear that stuff and not feel it.
Well, going to the dr soon and hope to get meds to clear this up. In a way it is keeping me sort of out of it but I know I can't stay like this.
Thanks for your kind words. It helps knowing that there are others listening to me in a world where I feel I have no one to share what I am going through.
Some of the things H has said to me in the past are starting to help piece this puzzle. Meaning, that I think he has been telling me about his esculating without telling me, hope that makes sense.
I just never thought he would get this way..I know he suffered alot as a child and is definitely a candidate for this type of stuff but thought he fought his demons and came out the other side.
How wrong I was. I am sending a prayer for these lost souls and an extra prayer for those of us that are with them.
Should I try to fnd out exactly what level of engagement is going on at that place?
Is there any helpful sites or tips on what do say while confronting?
Went to Dr yesterday..have bronchitis. Took meds last night and had a bad reaction!! Thought I was going to die!
UGH..it is one thing after another.
What does it all mean?
First of all, the stress is contributing to your physical health. You are going to have to take extra good care of yourself... lots of rest, fluids, meditation, quiet.... until this works it's way out of you.
Second..... do not confront your H alone. Your informationis explosive and none of us have any idea how he will react. My STRONG recommendation is that you share what you know with a trained therapist with you. And take 2 cars. Cheeta, YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE!!!!!!
You need to tell him every thing you know and what conclusions you have come to with the rest of it. Full disclosure. And I would tell him about the PI also. It will make it more difficult for him to deny. But again, please, please have a therapist be with you when you do it.
I have to get back to work.. but please PM me if you want to talk.
I will discuss it with my CSAT and see how we can facilitate this.
I almost brought it up yesterday. Even tho I was sick, I felt calm enough to exress my concerns in a loving, calm but serious way.
I think if I approach H in the way I used to be able to talk to him, I might be able to pull it off. BUT I have to trust those who have been in my shoes.
Please keep throwing your thoughts this way so I can process them.
My Mom is dying of cancer, she has less than three months.
I have spent 13 weeks on and off with her since May== 400 miles away from my home.
H has been great. Supportive. Sad with me. Calls me every night. Get home for a week and after over a year never checking PC history - I check it. Big mistake.
Did the months of SA meetings not stick in my head? Apparently I am dense and a slow learner.
'Her first big c*ck' .com was a charming surprise!
Just stick a knife into my heart it would probably feel better than this shit.
I know you were lonely and all that shit, but so was I you stupid fuck.
He was originally busted after screwing a prostitute on a business trip in 2005. Again...charming!
No comment needed, just ignore me. I just needed to get it out.
I know you said no comment needed but thought I would let you know you were heard and sending you (hug) and support your way.
I am so sorry about your Mom. Right now concentrate on her and spending as much time as you can with her.
Please take care of yourself as well. Take some walks, drink lots of water and maybe journal some of your feelings. Deal with one emotion at a time.