So I'll take your wisdom in advisement, your support to heart, and hope I can do some of the same for all of you.
X O S K
I'm not sure sharing everything we share here IRL is a great idea. So few people truely understand what it is like. Most think we should have left our partners long ago. i shared everything with my best friend since the beginning. I think she just got tired of supporting me if I wouldn't leave him. There is just this gulf between us now. And I feel really badly about that. I do have people IRL that I am really honest with. But it's very few. Only here am I totally real and honest with what is going on.
So on a good note, I had a great therapy session where I was able to admit that I don't feel love for my h any more. I don't know what snapped, but it has. I'm thinking the long term plan is to go on without him. But first I'm going to start taking care of myself.. full time, not just little things here and there.
So I went to the library and got 3 relaxation CDs. Listened to one and it really did center me. My friend says that if I do meditation 3-4 times a day I will feel much better in no time. I have also written a list of other things I will add.... I'm going to do some volunteer work, watch my nutrition, get good rest.
H has gotten an attorney for his problem. $5000 retainer. We just refinanced the house and were going to pay a credit card off, but I guess it will have to wait. Regardless of how I feel about him, he is still my children's father. Him in jail would be bad for them. Hopefully the attorney will be able to work something out with his former employer to keep this contained.
We do need a big group hug!!!! I'm really glad you are all in my life!!!!!
Sager, good for you to put yourself first. I'm sorry to hear about your feelings about your H, but maybe it was a necessary breakthrough that can help you heal. You have been an inspiration to me.
So today was the first SA/SAS class. They had a double class, I guess because it is designed to be a 14 week program and there's only 13 weeks between now and Xmas minus Tday, LOL. It was nothing like I expected, and very helpful. They've been doing this seminar a long time, and basically they have identified all the critical tasks that successfully recovering SAs have to accomplish, and have tailored the course to facilitate achieving those steps as quickly as possible (not to be confused with 12 steps). So you can do 2-3 years worth of therapy progress in this course. Yahoo.
There was no introductions or sharing of anything. Just the first session, which defined addiction and sexual addiction specifically, what the components are leading to that and so forth. Apparently WH is part of a disturbing new trend of SAs, that don't fit the traditional profile but due to excessive exposure to electronic media have managed to elevate their SA status to critical without the severe abuse/neglect/trauma/FOO etc issues and years of acting out. Not that he doesn't have some of these issues, just not nearly as many and not as severe who have historically have arrived at his stage. <weakly> yay, a groundbreaker.
Second session defined FOO issues that contribute and usually lead to SA behavior. Very informative. Again, as the CSAT had already explained to me, WH doesn't have extreme FOO issues but had enough minor to moderate ones that coupled with repeated minor trauma and overexposure to #$$%^ was enough to make the perfect storm. So I'm sure for some in the class that session was traumatic, but not so much for us. Except glaring examples of maybe some things we should change about the way we parent our children, LOL.
Next week is all about the spouses/partners. Ay yi yi. All the more reason to get the post nup done ASAP.
Right now, I've seen them healthy relationships, some longish term, but I know they look at porn. I let them know I didn't approve and wouldn't allow it in my house for moral and feminist reasons but good luck with enforcing that past a certain age. Addiction runs in both our families, alcohol, drugs and now SA. I am so afraid they may make similar mistakes and cause the same havoc in their lives.
Sager, kudos to you for supporting your kids' dad...don't forget to take equal or better care of their mother.
I digress, LOL. But anyway people our age and older, we had our first impressions of porn in that setting, so we tend to think of it that way. We don't see it as something you can easily bombard yourself with without much evidence. As with the other acting out, the craigslist encounters, the online escort services, the smartphone hookup apps. It's very easy to deaden yourself to these stimuli and need more risk to get your high from your fix.
So it's easy for me to poo-poo the dangers of porn, say the fundamentalists or feminists are just raving mad from that perspective. But the truth is all this instant gratification from technology is just now catching up with us (on everything, not just porn or SA-related stuff) so even those that grew up in this electronic environment don't fully grasp the impact. There hasn't been enough historic data.
Sucks, doesn't it. And the kicker is it keeps progressing so fast, you can really act out in extreme ways and make it almost impossible to track.
My WW was in LTA and her IC has recommended books on Sexual Addiction / Codependency. WW shared the "facts" on DD2 and "context" started to emergge on TT. I am still trying to understand the complete picture and am interested in others perspective and experience.
Sooooo, saw the psychiatrist yesterday and got some anti-anxiety meds. hopefully that will help my throwing up and my obsessive "futuring". Have also made it quite clear to my H and family that I am not interested in discussing anything to do with my H legal problems. Yesterday it was confirmed that it is being pursued as a criminal issue and not as an employment issue.
I also have my meditaion dvds on an I-pod and am using them. Also opened a bottle of wine to have a glass with dinner. Tomorrow I'm going on a Habitat for Humanity build. Hopefully I'll start to build some friendships there.
I think I'm doing okay. Therapist says I don't have to even think about divorce at this point. And even though I can't imagine it at this point.... well maybe it's what is best for my health and well-being.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Hi Sager, AD helped me. It's not forever but they won't hurt you. And a glass of wine can be good for you. I too volunteered with Habitat for awhile. It helps to forget about your problems. You simply cannot fix the problems his addiction has caused him and you are being wonderfully brave the way you are taking care of yourself. (((((((((((Sager)))))))))))
I second that coping with an SA is the same, whether the BS is a W or an H; the emotions, rollercoaster, coping strategies, and general insanity are the same. It's simply that women diagnosed with SA are still significantly fewer in number. Keep posting, hopeandchange, we can listen and help.
I believe that addicts show traits of narcissism and NPD while they're using. I also believe that some addicts use their drug of choice to cope with their personality disorder. IMO, none of these issues will improve without regular, intensive therapy.
Big, big hugs to you. I'm so, so sorry things are moving in the direction of criminal prosecution. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. For me, self care and my children are the only things that keep me going. I'm currently on ADs & my dr. gave me a bottle of anti-anxiety meds, a tiny dose, to take when I'm really bad off. I rarely take them, and it's a comfort simply to have them in my purse. I hope HfH is good for you, reaching out to others is good for all of us.
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
During August I was brought sharply down to earth with the realization that my SAWH has been abusing me and that this abuse is reportable to the police. With the support of my therapist I made dozens of phone calls to gather information. Basically, there’s very little help if I want to leave and take our DS15. The shelters allow only 30 day stay & there’s no guarantee of housing assistance afterward. The section 8 lists in the region are closed. I’m on my own. My family lives 2+ hours away, and even if I wanted to move down there, I refuse to pull DS out of school. So I’m bummed that I have very limited choices as regards leaving with DS. DS22 has said that he’s thinking of moving out with me if he can buy a car first. So that’s a possibility.
The plus side is that I’m finally working. It’s only part time, but I hope to move into a full time slot asap after the 90 day ‘eval period’ is up. I’m enjoying working again; the atmosphere is very positive and upbeat compared to where I worked before. It’s busy and it occupies my mind. Aaaand….when I get back home I’m too tired to put up with the crap and I work extra hard at patience. Lol I’ve been stretching every night too. Very relaxing.
I had a good talk with the kiddos. SAWH has mentioned several times that each of the kids has come to him saying that I’m saying cruel and unnecessary remarks to them about SAWH and they want me to stop but I won’t. So- I got all of the kids together when SAWH was working and opened up the discussion. They all *laughed* at me, saying SAWH is completely wrong & none of them said that to him & he’s crazy. Besides, the older two said, he’s the one who demonizes *you*, mom. We wrapped it all up, finally, and I told them that if they ever feel like I’m out of line or over the top or whatever to come to me & say so. I told them that I’m trying hard not to make editorial comments about SAWH, but I’m human & to speak up if they’re uncomfortable.
The only new thing re SAWH’s acting out is that I managed to get a password to an account- *but* that’s it. Just the password. I accidentally deleted the account information. It was 2 am & I couldn’t sleep, but obviously I wasn’t awake either. Guessing from the password, it’s an account he uses to keep in touch with EAOP.
So, that’s it for me. All the news that’s fit to print.
[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 10:20 AM, September 25th (Sunday)]
For us - things are still coming along slowly. We had some hiccups in the last few weeks with the ED coming back and the shame spiral starting back up. This time, I *think* we did better as we stayed up and talked about it. He had his therapist appt the next day. The therapist thinks this is a next step for him. Originally anything to do with the A and the SA was responded to with anger. Then he went through a period where he would listen and be very calm, but completely detached. Now he's experiencing shame/sadness over his actions. He's started telling me when he triggers and things that remind him of all the things that he's done. Which for me is a step forward. I was so sick of being the one to bring up the triggers and things that affected me and it not phase him or him not realizing things were triggery. Now he's seeing them and we're having some open discussion.
He's still going to meetings twice a week and the therapist once or twice a month. He joined a Men's group at church that is supposed to dig in and help you deal with all wounds from the past and teach you how to become an authentic man. It starts at o'dark hundred in the morning and now we've found it's a 3 year program. Yet, he says he's excited for it. Nervous as he can't see how his addiction isn't going to be learned through the group. That got us discussing the fact that I don't care who knows as you never know what other people are dealing with.
So, he seems to be doing the work. Slowly, but surely. I don't think he's digging into the why's of where this all came from, but I keep tyring to remember - took 20+ years to get this bad, it's going to take more than 10 months to work it out. We're in the midst of antiversary and our anniversary, so lord help us. Each day - you never know what you're going to get.
Today, I seem ok. Last week, not remotely ok. I hope you all are doing ok and finding ways to remind yourselves that you are strong and special. You are not alone. Your life is your own. Strength and hugs to you and your children and even the SA in your life.
(and I should admit I ate almost a whole bag of candy corn - maybe that's the secret to happiness)
Anyway, we had a lovely dinner for our 32nd anniversary. He planned, made reservations, and even had flowers waiting for me at the restaurant. I got a lovely card, a great book that we can read together for building "coupleness"
And a lovely romantic book with 100 reasons he loves me.
We repeated our wedding vows.
I've been wanting to hear him say them to me. This time with clear intention. I Was very uncertain that I wanted a brouhaha, a party with guests and witnesses, I didn't really want one 32 years ago. I'm Quaker, no clergy so our vows are said to each other with no third person involved, just us and our "higher power"
It was nice. It felt right.
I don't think we are done with our healing. I know we aren't. But I know we are consistently on the path together.
A year ago, six months, he was still fighting to stay sober. The computer was a challenge. He is no longer at that point, although he has to guard against the complacency that comes with sobriety. Although I live one day at a time, tomorrow is a sunnier prospect than it used to be.
[This message edited by scaredyKat at 6:41 PM, September 28th (Wednesday)]
Update on my sitch. WH agreed to my terms for the post nup. I saw the lawyer today and they are working on it. It takes time of course, because it is a long process, but the wheels are in motion. I feel empowered and able to focus on my healing now. Wahoo.
We are continuing with the class. I reminded WH he needs to explore a 12 step meeting of some kind, there are multiple options available here, even of the SA-only variety. So we will see if he actually does it or not. He says he will on his own terms, whatever that means.
[This message edited by hathnofury at 1:24 PM, September 28th (Wednesday)]
Kicked - slow and steady wins the race. your spouse is on the right track. And there will be ups and downs. An occasional bag of candy corn never hurt anyone. It's one of my favorites this time of year.
Scaredy Kat - what a lovely anniversary. Actually it sounds perfect! I didn't realize you two had been married so long. And i really like your Quaker tradition.
hath- congrats on the pre-nup. good sense of security. I hope your H embraces going to meetings at somepoint. This is such a difficult addiction to manage. Having the support of group will really help him. I'm interested in any new information you may have learned in your classes.
Continue to feel contempt for SAH. It's not getting any better and it's starting to be a drain on me. I'm not quite sure how to handle it at this point... but I'm just trying to move forward.
I'm reaching out and re-establishing my friendships. One of my old college roommates drove 2 1/2 hours yesterday to take me out to lunch. We had a good talk. I told her everything. she was wicked supportive.
Then later last night I went to see my other friend. She used to be my best friend, but she is so disgusted by my SAH it's hard for her to be supportive. It's one of those cases where I can call him an asshole, but I get really defensive when someone else calls him an asshole. But, she's starting to get that this is a real sickness and he can't just pull himself up and stop being an addict.
I'm thinking of a 20 month plan now with divorce as the end plan. My daughter will be graduated from HS by then. It gives me time to get the house fixed and ready for sale. It also gives me time to build my post-marriage life, which I think will make the transition easier.
It also gives my H 20 months to get his shit together and demonstrate that he is worthy of me. It's a long shot and I need to constantly remind myself of that. Even our therapist is not sure he can get well (although he refuses to give up on him). Whatever happened to him when he was a child must have been terrible, because he can't remember what happened and it is keeping so stuck and shameful..... but that's his problem not mine.
I'm also working on meditation and breathing. I'm finding it very difficult to commit to doing it every day, even though I think it could really help. So maybe I should say goodnight and get to it.
Hope everyone is having a good week.
But so many of you are able to keep on keeping on. Maybe it's because you have young kids that need your healthy interaction. Mine were older and out of the house when the sh*t hit the fan.
But you are doing so many good things for yourselves! That's wonderful and I am so inspired by you.
Secondly I have three kids under age 8. Sleeping in any day of the week is simply not an option.
Thirdly I have a horrid time sleeping and nightmares too. Lately they've been about strange people or critters in the house. Surely because like sager said I don't feel safe and I did not grow up in a climate where it was normal for critters to try to get into your house the moment it turned cooler. I'm scared to even take melatonin, because I'm afraid I won't be able to attend to my children properly if I do.
I two-fist diet soda and coffee and eat very little. I was good about going back to the gym but lately I've been skipping it a lot.n I snap and yell at my kids more often than they deserve and I'm not as patient with them as I should be. My kids have been acting out at school (although at present it appears to be resolved, for now).
Not saying all this to get a pity party started, LOL. I'm just letting you know it's rough for ALL of us. We were dealt a very shitty hand. There's going to be some bad repurcussions despite our best efforts and its not our fault. But we gotta keep trying, right?
You're doing just fine. Hang in there mama!