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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, August 2nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Ariel,

Thank you for your response. It really does help to know that I am not alone.

I have loved this man for most of my adult life. Everyone looked at us as the "perfect couple". Nobody knows except for my best friend. I feel like a widow -- mourning the loss of a husband that is not really dead.

For months I have been telling him how I need to feel cherished, valued loved, etc -- I told him that I need to see how much my pain has affected HIM. Seeing me cry daily, unable to function at times, having to go on antidepressants (which really help if any of you are on the fence -- they should put that stuff in the water supply!) -- doesn't what he has done affect him at all????? He really thinks that because he is not acting out anymore that is enough!

I keep telling him that not acting out is BASELINE! He was not supposed to be acting out in the first place.

OK. Vent over.

Thanks for listening.

It must be happy hour someplace in the world!


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
HereIAmAgain22
♂ New Member
Member # 32987
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 2nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know where to jump in but would appreciate feedback. I just updated my profile. This is the first time SA has been identified. I'm reading up on it and wow this is tough....


ME BS Male - 47
WS - 42
5 kids ages 4-16
3 D-Days
God help us.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: USA
Ariel
♀ Member
Member # 32790
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 2nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, welcome to the wonderful world of being a spouse of an SA, HereIAmAgain.....(much sarcasm here!) Sorry that you've had to join the rest of us, but...well....as you can see, you're not alone.

Knutz....I feel your pain. Everyone thought that we were the "perfect" couple as well. No one would have ever suspected how horrible life was. My SAWH was even a respected member of our church and I really believed that his faith would pull him through this addiction. Boy, was I wrong!!!

We have been separated since February. He was fully aware that this was the last chance that I was going to take to work on this marriage. We both started IC with the hopes of eventually being able to begin MC, but in the interim, he lied to me again, creating false Twitter and email accounts.

I am in the midst of 180 and I feel like I'm dying sometimes. I don't want him back, but the grieving of what "could have been" is pure hell at this point.

I know that I will get through this. I just have to start finding ways to occupy more of my down time. I have some friends, but most of them are married and it can tend to feel awkward being the third person all the time.

I hope that somehow things will lighten up here soon - both for you and for me. If you want to PM me at any time, feel free.

It's good to know there's someone else out there going through the same pain.

Hang in there.....


Looking forward to heaven and finally being out of this hell.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: PA
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, August 2nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Knutz, Ariel and Here I Am again,

All I can say is that I am right there with all of you. If you see, we are all at different stages. My SAWH will not say a word and does not think he is a SA. He is in complete denial, even though I found the soiled tissues by the computer, confronted the online prostitute and found all the porn.

I have decided that, yes, I could stay in this M if I would forget; but I can't. He does do things for me all the time, dinner, is a great father and still functions at work,etc. He just won't start recovery.

Hugs to you all. I think each of us saying that our SA will not show us remorse, whoo us and get close to us is a sign that we are dealing with the same type of person. SA IS an intimacy disorder.

After reading the books; I understand now how we got here. I allowed it. My codependency allowed him to think he was in control (book says the need to feel in control when feeling vulnerable). I went thru an AHA! moment when I read this. My SAWH would tell white lies to be right. He still lies and he doesn't even know it. At least your SAWHs are saying what they are and accepting it/working on it. SA is a hard addiction to break free from. I am focusing on me and my life.

I too am mourning the man I thought was my husband. He was that same man for 22 years it just all came to head in his 40's.

For me, I just can't trust him anymore and when I think about him fucking a prostitute and taking her around, etc. well I just can't do it. I refuse to spend the rest of my life doing all the work in the relationship. We went to MC and he had plenty of opportunities to disclose but he didn't. What he has been in emotionally cruel. Boundary violations all over the place!!!

He is in denial. My life is going by before my eyes and I can't be responsible for his choices. My youth, faithfulness and beauty is being wasted on someone who doesn't need it or want it.

I know he is a good father and will provide for the kids, but for me, I can't stay with someone who is in denial and not facing his demons. I want more for my life. I didn't come to this conclusion until I saw him doing nothing. I am not going to work if he isn't.

[This message edited by torn2bits at 9:07 PM, August 2nd (Tuesday)]


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
HereIAmAgain22
♂ New Member
Member # 32987
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, August 2nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

torn2bits - That is awful that your husband won't take ownership. This seems hopeless. I keep giving myself reasons to hope but I am tired of being the fool.

Anyone - the way it's being described to me is that she must "hit bottom" and get real with herself and do the work before there will be anything toward healing our marriage. How long will that take???? Weeks, months, years? I've been at this for a few years already and now the SA dimension is part of it.


ME BS Male - 47
WS - 42
5 kids ages 4-16
3 D-Days
God help us.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: USA
HereIAmAgain22
♂ New Member
Member # 32987
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, August 2nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.S. She seems a little to eager to get this separation! What can I do or say to respond to this she's supposed to be having the consequences right now...


ME BS Male - 47
WS - 42
5 kids ages 4-16
3 D-Days
God help us.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: USA
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, August 2nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry there are so many first time posters here. SA just takes more and more of us. I'm sad. But I'm so glad that there is a place for us to be with others who understand.

Disclosure - there is a reason why the truth comes out slowly... denial. Often the addict doesn't remember everything.. so much happens while they are in the addiction zone. The other contributing factor is minimizing. I think minimizing is a coping mechanism. They tell them selves that "it wasn't that big of a deal". It wasn't until my H's ex-employer provided him with a list of $12,000 of phone calls to sex sites that he could no longer deny or minimize.

Disclosure is a necessary to begin re-building trust. But you need to control what is disclosed. Some people want to hear every bloody detail. Others just what some general statements. So think about what you will want to know. I tried really hard not to ask for any detail that would cause mind movies in my head. My H is willing to disclose everything I want to know. And that's the important part, It's what I want to know. After all, I'm not his therapist, his sponsor or his priest.

Regarding the ammends.... I too struggle. Even though my H has been in program for 10 years, he didn't take his step work seriously until he got fired. So he's on step 3. But I have told him that I am patiently waiting for step 9 and that I expect a heartfelt apology for what he has done to me and our marriage. While he has said he is sorry, I liken it to a 15 year old who got caught smoking. The apology seemed to be something he felt he had to do to "get it over with". It didn't seem to contain a true understanding. He says that he understands exactly what I want and will do his best. I see glimmers that he is starting to "get it".

It's been a tough day for me. My anxiety level is really high. Worry has become my middle name and I'm stuck playing the "what if" game. It doesn't seem to be about my H addiction or recovery.... more about how painful going to work is as my boss is a terrorist. since I am the one with the job right now, I have no choice but stick with it. We had MC today and our therapist told my H that he needed to do all he can to reduce the stress at home. The support felt good.


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
Ariel
♀ Member
Member # 32790
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, August 2nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only consoling words I can give to you, HereIam, is that unless the SA is fully committed to doing the work to recover, there really isn't much that you can do other than to start taking control of the things that you can...which means you and your children.

This path that we are all on is a completely unfair one. The work that the SA must do and the consequences they must face, unfortunately pale in comparison to the work of healing and impact of their selfishness upon their spouses. It is one of the hardest healing paths that a person will ever have to walk.

But, this much I do know....

On the other side of this misery, (and there will be another side), and no matter what the outcome - reconciliation (which for me, is highly doubtful at this point - trust has been obliterated after 8 years of this), or divorce (which is the more likely route for me), I know that I will be a stronger, more educated individual concerning SA and codependency. (I'll certainly know what things to look for in any future relationships I may have.)

I also know that it just can't get any worse than this. The pain and anguish that I/we are feeling....we are at our rock bottom, believe me. The only way from here is up....It's just gotta get better.


Looking forward to heaven and finally being out of this hell.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: PA
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, August 2nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ariel,
Thanks for your post. I found it very comforting. You are so right, we are stronger for this experience. I now have confidence that I can handle anything that life throws my way.

The only way through this hell is to go through it. There are no short cuts, or easy ways out. And there is the other side of this. And I am confident that it is a very happy and rewarding place.

Thanks for the reminder.
Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HereIAm: It seems that your wife wants to take another route then you. SA or not, I believe you need to begin thinking about YOUR life, what YOU want for you and your children. This is not a hopeless situation, but it IS an uphill constant battle.

As you see others here, they are reconciling. Their SA is putting in hard work. They decided to stay thru the many years, and yes, it takes YEARS to recover from this and just regular infidelity. Many do recover but only when the SA does their part.

Reoverynation.com has taught me a lot about me and how what I do has no impact on the SA seeking recovery. The book Don't Call it Love" has really shown me what he could and is supposed to be doing to break free from this. If you haven't checked these out, please do. They are so valuable in determining your path forward.

Sager:hang in there!! I hope thsat job won't be forever. I understand, my boss of 6 years is a tyrant. I just keep to my office and email as much as possible! Hugs to you!!

I am so very grateful to have all of you. You have really, really made this journey of healing and understanding easier for me. You have made me stronger with your support and I thank you!!!!

Let us all remember that we have things in our life that are just ours. Whether its playing the piano, making special cookies or growing the most fabulous tomatoes in your garden.We are people and humans beings and CAN provide great contributions to this world just as we are!!! We are special,unique and wonderful people without our SA spouses!!! Big hugs. Take care of YOU today!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Ariel
♀ Member
Member # 32790
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Torn2bits! I love this....

Let us all remember that we have things in our life that are just ours. Whether its playing the piano, making special cookies or growing the most fabulous tomatoes in your garden.We are people and humans beings and CAN provide great contributions to this world just as we are!!! We are special,unique and wonderful people without our SA spouses!!! Big hugs. Take care of YOU today!

You are so right in this!!! Thanks for the reminder as well. We are truly great people - probably the most compassionate, patient, and loving human beings on the face of the planet for dealing with this and for even trying to work through it at all.

Stay strong, everyone! Cherish who you are, even if your spouses don't realize it!


Looking forward to heaven and finally being out of this hell.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: PA
anotherOctober
♀ Member
Member # 29794
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aisling: there is a very good book called "disclosure" that addresses the timing and benefits of disclosure in SA. My therapist gave it to me to read before I went to the rehab my SAH was in for a full disclosure and amends.

This is such a tough disease! I have been separated for a year from my SAH and after treatment had hopes that we were laying the foundation for an eventual reconciliation... but today I am discouraged by the return of lying and breaking NC.
He says he can only do this One day at a time and I accept that BUT I do think that a clear common goal is reasonable? NC has to be the bottom line for me.
I would value your feedback. I have come a long way in my recovery but I know how easy it is for me to slip back into focusing on the SA.


Posts: 125 | Registered: Oct 2010
Ariel
♀ Member
Member # 32790
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AnotherOctober:

This is such a tough disease! I have been separated for a year from my SAH and after treatment had hopes that we were laying the foundation for an eventual reconciliation... but today I am discouraged by the return of lying and breaking NC.
He says he can only do this One day at a time and I accept that BUT I do think that a clear common goal is reasonable? NC has to be the bottom line for me.

You are right that this is a very tough disease. I agree with you as far as NC. That has got to be in place first of all. It is one thing to admit to having SA, but it must be followed with commitment and action - which means removing oneself from the "chemical" - which means NC!

Yes - addiction is a day-by-day battle, but just like an alcoholic - they cannot spend time in a bar and expect to get well. An SA cannot continue to "feed" and expect to get well - it's just not going to happen.

You should not be expected to just "ride the roller coaster" while your SA decides whether to get serious about recovery.

My opinion is that they are either serious about it or they are not. Sounds like your SA is still on the fence a bit.

It's a rough road. Sometimes "tough love" is what it takes. As much as it hurts, sometimes the only way is to walk the other direction, put your own healing first and stop trying to "help" them, because - ultimately - there's nothing that we can do for them. They've got to do this on their own.

Many hugs to you. I share in your pain and grief.


Looking forward to heaven and finally being out of this hell.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: PA
runningscared
♀ New Member
Member # 30425
Sad  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knutz, your thoughts on lack of remorse reflect my own. My WH is currently on step 8 and read out to me how he would feel if I was having an affair. I was a little suspicious as to its authenticity because it sounded exactly like I'd previously described feeling myself. But he said that he could really 'feel' the emotions.

So, then I asked him what he would want me to do to make it up to him (if I'd had the affair). I tried to explain that I thought it might help him with his step 9. (I was also interested because, if he'd truly felt the emotions connected to having your partner cheat on you, I thought he might have demonstrated some signs of remorse!) I was a little shocked when he really couldn't see the link. He asked 'Why would I want to do that when Step 8 is about how I would feel and Step 9 is apologising to others?'

We nearly split up last week because I really don't feel as though we're on the same wavelength. After a frank, open discussion, we had a lovely couple of days and he agreed that he needs to make more effort at intimacy - but now, 2 days later, I feel everything is back to 'normal'. I can't believe that a human being can be so closed off.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2010
anotherOctober
♀ Member
Member # 29794
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Sometimes "tough love" is what it takes. As much as it hurts, sometimes the only way is to walk the other direction, put your own healing first and stop trying to "help" them, because - ultimately - there's nothing that we can do for them. They've got to do this on their own."

Thanks Ariel. So true. I need to stay off his fence and keep my feet planted firmly on my own ground.


Posts: 125 | Registered: Oct 2010
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AnotherOctober you are so right about looking the other way. I have been waiting over a year for him to seek recovery. Pretty much 2 years. I am so lonely. I have such mixed feelings lately. I don't know why I want to be intimate with him. Shouldn't I be angry and disgusted. I am so afraid that he has a disease from OW.

I just don't know what he's doing. He is wallowing in shame and guilt, but I think he won't say anything because of the divorce filing. Its terrible because I love him so much. He recently texted me that he loves me with all his heart and soul. Its nothing if he continues to deny, minimize and withhold the truth. It IS a choice.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

runningscared,

Sounds like we are on the same crappy lifeboat. Last night, I called him out on the 9th step -- He is actually on the 11th step -- never said a word to me about step 9 -- I was waiting for that day -- I told him so. His response: "Amends means change. My sponsor said that I do not have to formally apologize to anyone -- I just have to make sure that I change my behaviors from the past so that this never happens again"

Thud.

So I looked it up -- it is called "living amends" I call it bullshit. Makes it conveniently easy to not face the people that you hurt.

I lost it. Told him I wanted to separate. I cannot take anymore of this -- living with a fucking emotionless, non-compassionate, deer in headlights, ROBOT. I totally lost it on him. I told him that I expected a formal apology from him. Even when I told him I wanted to separate, he just sat there, speechless, not saying a word. No begging, no pleading, no I love yous. Just dead air.

Then he promises that he will try to display more emotion. That he feels my anger is scary sometimes (really, how the hell am I supposed to feel -- IDIOT). He can feel NO empathy for me. How the hell did he get through the 8th step without feeling empathy for me????

Not sure what to do. Not sure if I kick him out he will "wake up" and realize he is a total ass. I really doubt it.

How long am I supposed to wait for him to have feelings (other than shame and anger)??

Thanks for listening. You are all so great. I hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no advice. Im still swimming in confusion myself. I know Im not alone here.

I just keep wondering if its possible to recover from SA. IS it? I feel like he can be clean for some time but when will this return? Is it possible for him to never watch porn again in his life? Its hard to draw a line between normal behaviors and perverse ones now. I didnt think watching occasional porn or noticing a pretty girl was a problem before but it really freaks me out now. I dont know if I can live with that.
He has sort of accepted it but thinks is cured now and just has to avoid it and will be fine. Something tells me its not that simple, and when he wont admit that antyyhing even crosses his mind, I cant believe that. Surely I cant trust a darn thing he says now.

Basically I feel like he had mentallly cheated on me for the past three years - I dont mean the porn but actual chatting/emailing whores, mostly prostitutes. Though he says he "only" went twice, he admits he was constantly tempted and loved the attention of getting an email and seeing the nude pics of a woman he could actually have. That really hurts.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to all my old friends and a sad hello to all the newer members on this thread. A big cyber hug to you all.

Been away for awhile trying to be positive in other forums as I felt like I was doing well building a new life as an officially single woman. But then, a curve ball.

A little background... I have been at this for a little while. Dday 10-25-2010. Kicked him out immediately (there was abuse involved), but hung onto hope for R. "Buried" our marriage end of June 2011.

I have been really busy building a new life for daughter and I. Haven't done a half bad job considering I am a zombie most days. Things are good, and I can honestly say there is some happiness in my new life. XWS gets visitation with our daughter 3x/wk- I supervise, so contact has been consistent.

This whole time he has been using drugs (coke, meth, pot) and up to all of his SA behavior (CL, prostitutes, phone sex, video sex, even went so far as to post HIMSELF as an escort). Not pretty behavior.

But, a couple of days ago, he has claimed to "turn a corner". OK, it has only been a couple of days, but there has been a change in his behavior. Not just towards me, but in his activity level if ya get my drift.

So, trust me, I know...a couple of days is not much.

My question is this- is it possible for them to de-fog 9 months later?

My poor little heart SO wants to hope there is a sliver of hope for us as a family, for him to help me heal, etc. All the things we all so desperately want as spouses of SA's.

My head tells me this is just another ploy on his part, it does not mean he will choose recovery, and even if he does, that does not mean all will be well.

Please, any input welcome. Is it possible to de-fog after all this time?

My head is working so hard to keep my heart protected, but my sweet little heart still holds onto that 1% of hope. Am I a fool?


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
dayXday
♀ New Member
Member # 32970
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, August 4th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here we are 4 days after our D-Day.

We have appointments for couples counseling, we each have individual counseling with a CSAT, my H will be starting a 12 step for his SA and I'll begin SANON. My husband has given up every right to any privacy, I have all bank account information, passwords, the right to call him every second of the day to check where he is. We have both discovered and joined this amazing site. We are both very open people and spent the first two days after D-Day crying and talking. He has answered every single question I have without hesitation and has already come to me every time he has had a trigger or craving. I'm not having to force any of this, we are both willing to put in the work, no matter what it is to get through this. At this moment I feel like we couldn't be in a better place.

I'm not naive. I know that for everything he has confessed there is potential to be much more worse things to come. To me it could have been once, it could have been a million times, either way it is the most horrible thing someone could do in a marriage.

Finding out that my husband is a sex addict is one of the biggest shocks and the most pain I've ever experienced in my life. Four days ago he came to me crying and confessed that he is addicted to porn and has paid women at massage parlors for sex approx 7 times in the 4 1/2 years we've been married. He told me he couldn't live with the shame and guilt and had contemplating ending his life so he didn't have to put me through the pain of his betrayal.

(A little back story is that he was exposed to massage parlors as a teen in Guam where it was "normal" to visit them. Before we ever met he had used Adult Friend Finder when in between relationships and had hired an escort. There weren't any incidents that took place during our relationship until we moved to a state that has a very large red light district, this is when he told me he got an uncontrollable urge.)

If you would have asked me a week ago how I would react if my loving husband of 4 and 1/2 years walked in and told me he paid money to have sex with women while we were married I probably would have said I'd chop off his goods and throw them out the window.

I did the opposite. I gave him a hug and I told him I loved him. I honestly shocked myself but that is what I felt. My heart was and is completely shattered but what he did is much more than having an affair, he is sick.

If he would have gotten caught I would have been out the door.

If he would have been arrested I would have been out the door.

If he would have had an emotionally invested affair with a women I would have been gone.

But he didn't. He came to me and dropped a nuclear bomb on me about everything he has ever done during and before our marriage even back to when he was 16 and HE ASKED FOR HELP. Whether I left him or not he couldn't live with this demon anymore.

So here I am trying to understand this demon that is sexual addiction.

I know that there was nothing I did during our marriage that drove him to do this.

(Explained by him) I know that he viewed the women in porn and at the parlor as objects, not people.

I know that what he sought out was not an emotional connection. He wasn't looking for love, he was looking for sexual gratification.

I know immediately following each act he was immediately filled with grief, shame and guilt for what he had just done.

I know my husband loves me and I love him. Our family together is too important for either of us to walk away.

For four days now I have been trying to make myself angry and mad. Today I accepted that I am not going to force it. I know that it will come, believe me but I refuse to make myself react the way I "think" a person is supposed to react when they receive this news.

I know we are both strong people and I know that we can get through this. The marriage we had before is broken and is based on deceit. This is his one and only chance to make things right and it's an opportunity for us to grow together and come out stronger on the other side. I know that what we are about to embark on is going to be the hardest most painful journeys that we are ever going to have to make but I believe he is worth it and he damn well knows I am : )



D-Day: 7/30/11
Married: 4 and 1/2 years
18 month old daughter
BS(me) 27 years old
WS(him) 32 years old

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