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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

S-Anon refers to SA as a family disease. Our meeting has had regular attendees who are siblings or children of SA, a few who have been teenagers dealing with the devastating effects of their father's very public sex addiction. Since part of our policies include refraining from mentioning "specific sex acts or referring to people by name" and instead "focusing on our own feelings and healing" these kids have been comfortable to have been able to share and it has furthered their healing. Check out the website at www.sanon.org. Hugs to all of you.

ScaredyKat,

While I agree that S-Anon has been a godsend to me, I would NOT feel comfortable with my teenage children attending. There are a limited number of S-Ateen meetings, and only in big cities or at the conventions. My meeting is adult oriented; it isn't that we are sitting around and discussing sex acts, but it just isn't age appropriate. That is just my opinion and my experience. And I would never have felt comfortable discussing my situation with my kids present. Besides, sometimes I discuss the hardship that SA has presented to the whole family. It truly IS a family disease.

One of my children did try out Al-ateen briefly. However, SA is a humiliating and isolating addiction. My child did not like having to pretend that dad was a different sort of addict (never said what type of addiction, just was evasive and that he was an addict). I don't think that my child felt that they could relate to the others. Not to mention that we had been though so much as a family after the last d-day and the fall out. Presently, IC with the CSAT seems to be helping the most.

For everyone who thinks they are staying for the kids because that is best, I will once again emphatically state that in most cases it is NOT. It is NOT healthy for kids to grow up in an environment of active addiction, even if you think you are hiding it, or that your spouse is a great father otherwise. Addicts are NOT great fathers.

[This message edited by TooManyYears at 1:13 PM, June 23rd (Thursday)]


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi lost family,

Welcome to our terrible club. So sorry that you have joined us.

First of all, if you haven't already, go to the first post in the thread. 7 has posted a terrific list of resources for spouses of SA. Read and learn. The biggest thing is that the SA has to reach rock bottom and want to get into recovery for themselves, not to save the marriage. It won't work. Regular counseling doesn't work either.

I see that you are in South Africa? I am not sure what resources you have available there. In the US, we utilize CSATs and 12 step groups for recovery.

After you do some reading up on SA, it would be good to set boundaries. Boundaries are to protect you. You have already contracted an STD, and need to protect yourself. The focus should be on YOUR healing and getting your ducks in a row financially and emotionally in case your WH does not enter a real recovery. Even if he does choose recovery, it is hard work and there are no guarantees. That is why we most focus on ourselves, to become stronger to break free of the dysfunction that we have been living in. Growing up in a home where addiction is present is also very hard on children. Even if you think you have hid the addiction or that you are protecting your son, he is going to be affected by all of this. Another excellent reason to explore your own healing.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostfamily,

Big hugs, and lots of sympathy coming your way. I have endured months of trickle truth, too. It's hard to heal when you constantly feel there's more, waiting around the corner. It is devastating. I really felt shattered by it all. Try to take care of yourself the best you can. Find some pleasures in the day. I found that taking it all one day at a time really helps.

It will get better. It just doesn't get better as fast as we'd like. Keep reading and posting. Sorry you are here, but it's a great support group.


Posts: 1048 | Registered: Aug 2010
lost family
♀ Member
Member # 32578
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi TooMany Years,
In South Africa there are 12 steps groups for the WS, not for the BS. My therapist had 3 women with stories like mine so we met a few times, it was a good feeling knowing that there are others like me.
When I heard the whole story, I insisted that he goes for personality tests, to see what kind of danger is he to us and to go to to a more specialized therapist to find out why he did all these ugly things. He is going without me making him do it, and I do think he hit bottom, I made him hit it with all the things I said and am saying.
Financially, I should be fine because we signed a pre-divorce contract in which I get a lot, will he honor it I wont be able to know now.
I have no physical contact with him and not planing to because I am disgusted by things he has done.
But the healing part, the emotional part I don't know how to do, I want to do it, for myself, for my son, but I just don't know where to start. I know it will get better, time helped a lot when my daughter died, but are there any steps that I am not taking and should. I cant stop thinking about what he' s done, I go from one story to another, I cried over all of them, but then I see a new detail that just throws me way back. Even if I sort of feel a bit better for a part of the day, the good feeling gets replaced by sadness, hopelessness etc We need to tell something to our son, I think by now he's seen something is happening, none of us has the courage to do it.
How do I start to heal, I need to know...

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2011
lost family
♀ Member
Member # 32578
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Compartmented,
I am not taking care of myself and I know I should. Not that I care about anything including myself at the moment. I am not even a good mother anymore...
TooManyYears and Compartmented,
thank you so much for kind words and replies

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2011
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! i am having a really bad day. My h had his first conversation with the Union lawyer. It was less than hopeful. They have never seen a case as bad as my H's. I guess that the best we can hope for at this point is a negotiated settlement that allows him to resign and not pay restitution (which he feels very strongly that he wants to do).

this is all making me sick! And i feel like everything is on me now. I want to sell the house and move in with my mom (she has a huge house, my childhood home, and it's right in our town). My children are wildly opposed and even though they are teenagers, are having temper tantrums. If we don't keep the house we can manage on just my salary. But I don't think it's possible if we keep the house.

We'll go to the bank and see if we can change the terms of the mortgage and pay it off slower (we only have 6 more years of payments).

So then the focus is on H getting another job. I don't have a lot of faith at this time that it's going to be possible. He is working really hard on his recovery but it takes up a lot of his day. The resume writing seems slow. He has found a few jobs he's interested in that are in his field, but he's not being aggressive about putting his hat in the ring. Plus, and I totally understand this, his confidence is a bit shaken by what has happened. But so what?????? It's what has to happen for his family.

I really, really want to hate him for what he has done. But the reality is that he is a good person with an awful disease. I knew this was a possibility and I stayed with him anyways. I'm just mad, mad, mad and scared, scared, scared.

So thanks for letting me vent. I don't think there is anything anybody can do. And oh, yeah... my second son graduates from high school tomorrow night. God,I've got to pull it together.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sager,

I am sorry for all the stress. I remember all too well what that sort of stress felt like. For months I freaked out every time there was a police car on my road, just waiting for that knock on the door again. My H definitely could have lost his job throughout the years with his carelessness, too. He downloaded porn through work networks, but I think he thought he was so smart about it, because he downloaded it through shared computers and did other things that made it difficult to trace back to him (he is in IT).

I think you are right that your SA needs to focus on getting a new job, but I think that in the early days it is hard to focus. I know that early in my H's recovery he was not focused, and could barely get through the day. I am not saying that you need to cut him slack on this, but he may not be at a place where he is functional enough to get another job right now. I know that your SA has some previous recovery under his belt, but it sounds like this was a pretty bad relapse, and had been building for some time. It may be like starting over in recovery, and while loosing his job is a terrible consequence of his acting out, it may be the rock bottom he needed to knock him out of complacency.

I think seeing about readjusting the terms of your mortgage, even temporarily, could be a wise move. As for your children, they are old enough to understand consequences. They may not be happy about it, but they will just have to deal with whatever solution you come up with.

I really, really want to hate him for what he has done. But the reality is that he is a good person with an awful disease. I knew this was a possibility and I stayed with him anyways. I'm just mad, mad, mad and scared, scared, scared.

Ok, so you are not new to this, and yes, there are NO guarantees in living with an addict, even a recovering one. This is why I encourage all spouses to focus on them and their healing. I think that when our spouses enter recovery we must be cautiously optimistic, but also plan for the worst. I think there should always be a back up plan. I know that in the past IRN2006 has talked about hers. My H signed a postnup after our last d-day. I do have a career that I could be self-supporting and pay the bills. It wouldn't be comfortable, but I could do it. Complacency is the enemy in recovery (both the spouses and addicts). If we think things are just sailing along in recovery and we will never have to worry about relapse, we are setting ourselves up for devastation if one occurs. I don't want my H to ever relapse, and I hope to God he doesn't, but if he did I would be ok. Yes, I would be heartbroken, stressed, and all of those other things you are feeling. But I know that I can be ok and take care of me now, and I could make it.

I understand feeling empathy for your SA. I have a ton of empathy for my SA. If I didn't, many of the things he has done in acting out would have been deal breakers. Sometimes, even in recovery, I still wonder what is wrong with me that some of it wasn't a deal breaker. I know the terrible abuse my H grew up with. I know how broken he is, and I know how much he has really embraced recovery. Things are not always as black and white as they should be. You do have the right to your feelings, and you do have the right to be mad that he put you in this situation. He should have to face the consequences. It is unfortunate that the consequences affect you and your kids though. Yes, SA is a family disease.

Please take care of yourself right now. Take some of the focus off him, and get support for YOU. Go to IC, S-Anon, reread some of those books on SA. Practice self-care. YOU are worth it! YOU are strong. YOU are resilient. Even if you don't feel it, tell yourself these things. I wish there was a simple solution to all of this, but there isn't. Hugs to you sager.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
kbstr
♂ New Member
Member # 32286
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All

I wanted to thank you all for your posts here that I have been reading in order to get insights to what a spouse of a SA goes though. The pain that you all have to deal with is unimaginable.
I was going to post something here regarding my situation - looking for advice, but as an actual (I believe) SA - it might not be welcome. Is there a seperate forum for actual SA's to give and get advise?

Many thanks


me - WH(rSA) 35
BS 36 - the most beautiful and amazing person I have ever met
1 beautiful Daughter - 11 months
I love my wife to the core of my soul and will do anything to reconcile.

Posts: 44 | Registered: May 2011
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, June 23rd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TMY, Thanks for the support. I needed a really good vent. The date this all went down I went right back and built my support system. My friends and family are right there, I have SI, IC and MC all in place. (2 of the 3 kids are also in IC.) I think just another level of reality overwhelmed me. I'm feeling a little better now. Tomorrow is my son's day and I'll focus on that. My brother and his family will be here and I find great joy in that. Unfortunately my mil and sil will also be here. I hold a lot of resentment toward them because they simply don't talk about "unpleasant" things. The abuse my h suffered when he was growing up, his addiction and his loosing his job all fall into that "unpleasant" category. If it wasn't my son's day, I could really see me rocking their world.

Okay, there i go venting again. Time for a good night's sleep. thanks again for the support.
Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, June 24th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sager,

Glad to hear you have support IRL. Try to avoid interacting with your in-laws as much as possible today. I understand the resentment towards them and the fact that they want to rugsweep. My in-laws are similar (yes, there is a pattern to all of this!). I am fortunate that mine live far away, and as my H has grown in recovery, they have faded into the background and we don't really have a relationship with them anymore. We don't have a relationship with my FOO, either. That is frustrating and sad at times, but is less stressful.

Take some time for yourself today to relax and refocus, and then make the day about your son, as you plan to. How living in a family where addiction is present has screwed up our families is heartbreaking. None of us ever wanted this for our kids! I always just wanted to be a good mom. I am so glad that most of your kids are in IC.

Vent away! You will get through the day.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, June 24th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost family,

But the healing part, the emotional part I don't know how to do, I want to do it, for myself, for my son, but I just don't know where to start.

Start with reading the books that 7 mentions on the first post in this thread. It will help you to understand that your feelings are normal, and that you have been through so much. Start by being good to YOU. Taking time to do something small that makes you happy and helps you relax, be that a walk, meditating, etc.

You said you are seeing an IC already. That is good, too. Your IC should be specialized in dealing with addictions (if there are no CSATS where you live). Your IC should be able to help you on the path to healing, too. Your IC should be familiar with the books on 7's list. There are also websites for S-Anon. I think others have said that there are online meetings. Maybe you could check into that as well.

You are still very new to all of this, and it is very overwhelming. Read, learn, and take care of yourself. I would venture a guess that the majority of us did not know how to take care of ourselves when we first started out on this journey. We were used to putting the needs of others before ours. It is something I had to learn, and something I still fail to do at times. I am working on it. Progress, not perfection.

Take care of YOU. YOU are worth it!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, June 24th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kbstr,

You are correct in that this thread is for Spouses, not the SA. Do you post in Waywards? I know that there are some SA there.

The first step for you is to be evaluated by a CSAT for SA. SA is very misunderstood by the general population and even by therapists who are not specially trained. My H saw several therapists in the last 10 years who did not understand the proper treatment for SA. They were not able to help him.

Also, you could read Patrick Carnes' book Don't Call it Love. That was the first book on SA my H read. It was very eyeopening. I think it helped him realize that he wasn't alone and that there was help. I think that in his shame he had given up years ago, and thought he was a freak and a lost cause.

There are also 12 step groups SA and SAA. They offer a lot of IRL support. You can get a sponsor and work the steps. You will have someone to call when you are feeling tempted who has BTDT.

As for internet forums, there is Recovery Nation. I want to throw out a caution though. Recovery Nation is good for working through the lessons and getting support, but it is NOT enough on its own. Consider it a tool in the tool box of recovery. You really need an evaluation and treatment by a CSAT, the real life support of a 12 step group, and to get busy on recovery, if you are a SA.

One other caution, and this is a big one. DON'T WORK ON RECOVERY TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. It won't work. Work on recovery because you are broken and you want to change. You can't enter recovery for someone else. It has to be for YOU. I realize that you want to save your marriage, but what if your wife leaves you anyways (that is her choice and her right) or what if she were to die in a car accident tomorrow? I would not want my H to throw away all his recovery if something like that happened. It has to be for you, because you feel miserable and powerless over addiction, if you actually want the change to stick. I realize that sounds absurd, as you are here to save the marriage, but at times throughout the years, I would find things, confront my H, he would make surface changes, white knuckle for awhile, and then go back to the addiction. It wasn't until he hit his true rock bottom and we separated that he decided he had nothing to live for anyways, and would work on recovery. He knew at that point that he may have lost the kids and I. He knew he had to do this or die for himself. That is the sort of come to Jesus moment that you need to make recovery stick.

Good luck.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 24th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning All,

I have been away for awhile, and trying to catch up...it is a bit overwhelming, so for now I just wanted to send a hug out to each and every one of you.

To those struggling, please stay close to this site. There are amazing people here! And hang in there, things do get better.

And to the seasoned veterans offering such sage advice, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are gems!

Wishing each of us a peaceful day.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 625 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, June 24th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading along a bit, but had forgotten about the references on the first page of this thread until someone mentioned it to another newcomer.

I recommend for the partner (in addition to the 3 above):

"Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes (I recommend you read this after you've read "Mending a Shattered Heart" and the others, but not before.)

For the SA:
"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes
(I don't recommend you read this book, but it would be an excellent read for your husband to start if he's willing to face his addiction, while you read "Mending a Shattered Heart")

I just ordered both "Out of the Shadows" and "Don't Call it Love". My SA's sponsor recommended "Out of the Shadows" to him, and the other book sounded interesting as I was browsing Amazon.

Can someone tell me why it's not recommended that I read the "Out of the Shadows" book? I just assumed we'd both read them both. Will that book just be too many triggers for me?

Thanks in advance for the help!

----

I had sort of a rough night last night. We're almost five months past DDs2&3. I was telling my SA that I had ordered those books and then also mentioned that I guess that it's just part of being with an SA that I'll always worry that he hasn't told me everything. Well, he was suddenly asleep!

To preface, my SA is very remorseful, very much into working his program and trying to heal himself, as well as trying to be a better father and husband. We're in MC together and things are going well. But I still have those fears that I will find out TT as we go forward. So . . .I tossed and turned for 30 minutes before I woke him up and told him what I was thinking, etc. He apologized for falling asleep and did a good job of making me feel better, that there was nothing more to tell.

He said he felt like he had done enough bad stuff to me to last a lifetime, that he was grateful that there wasn't more to tell! And I do believe him . . .yet, I wonder if I'll just always have this worry at the back of my mind.

I also just wonder if it's the fact that I've gone from blindly trusting him to trusting him, but needing things to back him up and support his truth. Does that make sense?

I'm just babbling, but basically, I wonder if I'll always have this worry that there will be more OR that he'll act out again. The uncertainty is hard to deal with.

[This message edited by Mamato3 at 5:14 PM, June 24th (Friday)]


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, June 24th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mama,
I read "Out of the Shadows" befoe my SAH. My dr. recommended it to me when I explained why my blood pressure was up. As soon as I got to the 2nd page I realized my h was a SA. After i finished it I handed it to my H and said he had a problem and i hoped he would do what it took to get better. And thus began our journey......

I don't know why you shouldn't read it. It's pretty straight forward and honest.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, June 24th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS is the SA. At my first IC meeting my counselor sent me home with "Out of the Shadows". It was a gut-wrenching read, literally. I've known WS was a SA, but he has refused to admit it or do anything about it. He STILL has a bit of pride in him (I base this on a conversation last night) that he has a "very high sex drive" and how it is just too much for me to handle. Like that's a good thing.

I mentioned somewhere else on this site (in General, maybe?) about how I tried for several years to out-phuck the women I knew WH was jacking off to on the internet. It didn't work. I know this isn't about sex or a sex drive. He doesn't know that yet.

WS is an ACoA with missing years in his childhood. Lord only knows what all happened to him. I am a product of 10 years of sexual molestation thanks to my sick SOB grandfather and an abusive, dysfunctional childhood home. I've got issues. I thought I was past most of them, but my IC has been helping me see how I'm still repeating old behavior patterns from my childhood. And to my dismay, my IC is helping me see how my beautiful, innocent children are developing their own issues because of our home's dysfunction.

Right now WS and I are not good for each other. He is starting IC this coming Monday, plus his IC facilitates some kind of group (FMO? SA?) that he'll be joining. Next Wed I'm going to attend a meeting for abused wives since there doesn't seem to be any active SA-Anon or other spousal support groups active in my area (I've certainly made the phone calls & sent the emails!).

I feel like the children & I have been utterly contaminated & polluted & made dirty & vile. Intellectually I know that's false, of course. I just wish I could pick us up & get away & not have to be around WS any longer. It's just disgusting.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8736 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 25th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that 7 has always told people to hold off on reading the Carnes books because she felt they were triggery and overwhelming to someone new to the idea of SA. It was the first book that I read. My H's CSAT gave it to us to read. It was eye opening for me in that there were behaviors that I didn't realize my H was engaging in (scanning being the big one), but I have had many years of knowing that he was a SA without understanding all that entailed, to get used to all the different progressive acting out he did.

Nature Girl,

Welcome! You are doing terrific! You are already grasping a lot of the really important things. You must have a fabulous IC. It is SO true that our FOO play a huge role in the dysfunctional cycles we reenact. My FOO and my H's FOO were both very abusive and addiction played a part as well. I deluded myself for years into thinking that I was doing things differently and that things would turn out better for our kids. Ha! The joke was on me.

I also used to think that "If I just do this..." and that I could make my H interested in me. No, it doesn't work that way.

I've known WS was a SA, but he has refused to admit it or do anything about it. He STILL has a bit of pride in him (I base this on a conversation last night) that he has a "very high sex drive" and how it is just too much for me to handle. Like that's a good thing.

I am sure you already realize this, but you can't help him to change. He has to want it for him. It doesn't sound like he is there. At this point, work on YOU. It sounds like you are doing that. Get stronger, heal, and make plans that don't include him. Find out what your options are.

Hugs to you and your kids.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Angry  Posted: 5:55 PM, June 25th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, TMY, for the hugs and kindness.

I got so upset at WH during our post D-Day conversations this week when he has been talking about his sex drive being so strong (this is just him & me talking at home, we're not in MC or anything), and too much for me, and that's why we "grew apart" ten years ago. Yeah, but no, not really. He's delusional. I could handle a normal sex drive. Heck, I could handle a high sex drive. What I couldn't handle was an ADDICT who used me as a masturbatory object, rather than a husband who made love to me & saw ME as a soul.

Will I ever be able to even think of having sex with anyone, ANYONE, without wanting to puke or feel physical revulsion? Will I ever be able to feel good about myself and another person sexually again? Will I ever be able to look at WH and not want to spit? One of the things I read over & over in the "Shadows" book was how SA's fear rejection if their true self is exposed. Well, DadGum, but yeah, I am rejecting my WH because his SA is DISGUSTING & REVOLTING to me and has caused me so much pain & anguish. I'm doing the very thing that "Shadows" book says SA's fear the most. I've tried for our entire marriage to be understanding & patient & non-judgemental. ENOUGH!!!

I'm so angry that this has happened and is still happening. I just yelled SHUT UP at one of my girls, something which makes me sick because I try so hard not to be like this. I apologized. I'm just mad mad mad. I know I need to go through all these feelings and process them. But friggin'-A, this is not what I said "I do" to on our wedding day.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8736 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
letmego
♀ Member
Member # 30381
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, June 25th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature-girl

I am totally new to all this SA stuff but some things that you posted sound just like my relationship w my STBXWH. Especially this:
"I mentioned somewhere else on this site (in General, maybe?) about how I tried for several years to out-phuck the women I knew WH was jacking
off to on the internet. " 
And "What I couldn't handle was an
ADDICT who used me as a
masturbatory object, rather than a
husband who made love to me &
saw ME as a soul."

I am in IC and my IC says that my
STBXWH sounds like a SA with
NPD. I don't think my STBX ever
made "love" to me in the entire 18
years we were together. We rarely
had intercourse. Instead, he wanted
me to give him a hand-job while he
watched Playboy girls strip or other
nude pictures of famous peeople he
could find on the Internet. It really
shot my confidence to pieces. He
even bought a Playboy on our
honeymoon. 

Both my STBX and I were virgins
when we met so I thought this was
normal behavior and that there must
be something wrong w me. I am so
glad my IC has pointed out that this
is NOT normal and my STBX has
huge problems. It is nice to know
that I'm not the oddball.

As far as you yelling at your kids... I
found myself doing this too. My IC
helped me to identify when I was
upset from a trigger from my WH.
Then I can calm myself down and
realize that it is the trigger that is
really bothering me and not my
children. For example, I was driving
by a place that was a trigger. My
kids were in the back seat talking like
usual. They were a little loud and
my son started telling me something.
My initial thought was to snap at him
and tell him to "be quiet", but I stopped myself. I realized that I drove by the place that triggered me regarding my STBX and his A and that was why I was angry. I was not angry at my son and calmed myself down and spoke to him like a nice mommy should.  

Anyway.... Hope that helps. You are not alone. 

[This message edited by letmego at 6:52 PM, June 25th (Saturday)]


As of Oct, 2010:
BW(me) 35; WH 36; employee OW 21 Together 18 years, married 9 (onlies..until OW)
DD 3, DS 7;
D-day 7/2010
D Final Nov 30, 2011

Posts: 650 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: FL
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 25th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@TooManyYears

My meeting is adult oriented; it isn't that we are sitting around and discussing sex acts, but it just isn't age appropriate. That is just my opinion and my experience. And I would never have felt comfortable discussing my situation with my kids present.

Agreed-most of the time. I think we tend to temper our discussions when the young people are present. Now always a good thing when a member is in crisis, but generally we tend to be sure we talk in enough generalities and about healing so that the young people get hopeful messages. Our attendees in this group have been between 1
5-18 and were deeply affected by their SA dad approaching friends and acquaintances in very public and sexually explicit ways. They were desperate for a place to vent. And there is NO S-ateen meeting nearby.

@sager You may want to look at the S-anon website and see what's available in your area for your kids. And yourself of course.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

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