Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Lost1960 (43229)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
NewAttitude
Member
Member # 1030
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posting as a member.

Nouveau, in your original thread you said NOTHING about SA or possible child porn.

NOTHING.

Of course, if you had, my reply would have been significantly differnent.

To take that and say that I flamed you and that I 'don't get it' and that I said it was 'only porn' is very disingenuous.

I have been at this site for 8 years and have been incredibly supportive of many of our members who have SA spouses or who are SA themselves.
It is a heartbreaking situation for all involved and one that I wouldn't wish on any person.

Please do not paint me with a brush that says that I am not helpful or understanding.
It is very hurtful to me.

I have not seen a thread from you about your XSO going to a Dr and being diagnosed and since you didn't put it in that thread I responded sincerely from the heart to the information that you had given.



Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.

Posts: 58732 | Registered: Jan 2003
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Red  Posted: 10:48 PM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STAFF ACTIONS: If you have a question regarding a staff action bring it to our attention by using the Private Message feature. Do not question staff actions on the public forums

Posting as a moderator..Noveau, your response to a mod flag was inappropriate, if you have further issue with a staff action pm a moderator.. Do not tell a mod where they can post.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 42852 | Registered: Sep 2006
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi! I think this is only my second post in here. I've been reading along and wanted to offer hugs to all those who are hurting so much right now.

Things are going well with my SA. He is working hard on his sobriety. And I'm getting so much out of my SAnon meetings.

And yet . . . it's hard not to constantly worry about when/if things will get bad again and he'll act out. I'm pregnant with our fourth child (we discovered we were prego a few days after I found out about his PA; this baby is a big surprise, but a huge blessing). It's hard not to think ahead to after the baby gets here . . . and if that will be a huge trigger for us both. (He began his PA six weeks after our last baby was born.) How do I stop thinking about what I can't control . . .and something that's months in the future?!

Our MC is great, but she's not a CSAT. Her specialty is in addictive behavior, so she's actually the one who led us to consider the SA diagnosis. She keeps reminding me that I can't control him, that I can't control his behavior, and that I can't control the future. Still, those moments where I'm triggered make it hard.

It's also overwhelming to realize that we'll be dealing with and working through this for the rest of our lives. Thank God for SA meetings and SAnon.

Sorry for the rambling post. I've just had a lot of triggers lately. Thanks for listening!

And I have a really stupid question: What does "FOO" stand for?!!


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To mama~

it's hard not to constantly worry about when/if things will get bad again and he'll act out.

I agree. It's a huge struggle for me. Every day I repeat the following:

take one day at a time, live in today only, turn my energy inward to heal myself. Practice self care.

Every. single. day. More if I'm going through a bad patch.

What does "FOO" stand for?!!

FOO= family of origin

My CSAT has done some FOO work with me using helping me explore how childhood traumas led me to where I am now. It has been amazingly, amazingly helpful in challenging me to own where I am today, who I am and how I get here (responsibility). If you're interested in more info, PM me.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone. Well today SAWH asked me to go to breakfast with him and the kids. He asked me to go to his church with him!!!

He is getting too comfortable here at the house. It was hard, but I said no. I am going to go thru the same thing as I have been for over a year now.

Its tough because I have to deal with him because the kids' schedules are so crazy. I am taking my own car to places now though.

Ya know, I hope some day he will come out of denial and get well.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's easy to listen to all the statistics that talk about the difficulty of an SA to R and stay sober. It is very true that this is a hard addiction to beat, being, in the opinion of many experts, the FIRST addiction many people have and one with roots in childhood often. It's also true that sex is part of a "normal" life so the addict has to figure out how to be a sexual being without being a sexual addict. It's also true that sex addicts often make the worst lovers.

In my limited experience, my SAfWH has been mostly sober since 2009. He has had slips on the computer. His last strip club acting out was May 2009 when he started attending SA meetings. It took a long time for him to completely own all his actions, the ones where he blamed me for his awful choices. He's now trying to deal with the shame and guilt he has.

I attend Sanon meetings and we try to get to couples meetings as well. We have met people who have been in Recovery for YEARS without a slip, or with only slips that involve verbal blameshifting and occasionally someone who will fail to immediately pass on the playboy channel when in comes on the hotel TV. These slips are dealt with in their own groups and we spouses don't always need to know about them, unless they cross a specific line set up by our conditions of reconciliation.

My point is; Sobriety IS possible. It is a lifelong disease, and lifelong treatment is necessary, along with lifelong awareness on our part. I am on the "trust but verify" path, at this point, and feel that my SAfWH is strong enough to be sober for himself. He is far happier that he has been for YEARS, and certainly closer to the sweet man I married.

Hugs and strength to all of you.
SK


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SabinatheOwl - thank you! That's my biggest struggle -- remembering to stay within the day and not worry about what might happen tomorrow. And thanks for the FOO explanation. I just couldn't think!

ScaredyKat - THANK YOU! Your post gives me a lot of hope. I'm lucky that there are several women in my SAnon group who have SAs who have been in recovery for years too. It's uplifting to hear stories of struggle AND success. I too am seeing more and more of the sweet man I married, so that gives me hope that we can heal our marriage. It won't ever be quite the same, but maybe we can make it even better. I really appreciated your post. Thanks for sharing your hope! :)


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScaredyKat,

I agree that sobriety is a possibility, but ONLY in the context of remembering that it is a lifelong battle, requires the appropriate resources (CSAT and 12 step), and a requires an orientation towards sustaining a high motivational level to change.

Love isn't enough. We can't have hope for the SA. They have to search within themselves and have to desperately want recovery for themselves, not just to salvage a marriage. If I died tomorrow in a car accident, I would want my H to maintain the work he has done in recovery and to continue on his journey. He could not have done this 10 or 15 years ago. He had not reached his rock bottom, his point of absolute desperation where he could say to himself that his life had become unmanageable. Like many addicts, he has spent the majority of his life with the illusion that he can control his addiction. Even the ability to verbalize that he was a SA over 10 years ago, was NOT enough to start him on the path to recovery.

I think the unfortunate truth is that unless an addict is so broken that they are willing to do everything and anything they can to change (CSAT and 12 step), they will remain in their addiction. I am ok with cautious optimism and visualizing the changes over time that the addict makes in recovery as a sign of their true recovery. I just don't believe in hope for the sake of hope. The addict really has to prove themselves.

I have seen many stories in S-Anon, and even those who have been doing this for a long time (over 10 years) still know they have to seek healing for themselves, not the addict. Addiction is a lifelong battle, and I have met women who are in a variety of situations from reconciling with an addict in active recovery to divorced and all the stages in between. This isn't an easy path, even if you separate from your SA. There is still a lot of healing that needs to be done.

Just my 2 cents.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SabinatheOwl,

My CSAT has done some FOO work with me using helping me explore how childhood traumas led me to where I am now. It has been amazingly, amazingly helpful in challenging me to own where I am today, who I am and how I get here (responsibility).

This is actually the work that my CSAT and I are doing. We are working through the workbook Breaking Free by Pia Mellody. It is very emotional and hard for me. I am not very good at talking about the abuse that has occurred in my life, things I have never told anyone about.

I think it is important for us in our healing journey to understand why our radars were up and why we attracted a SA, why we felt a degree of familiarity and comfort in a dysfunctional relationship. I am NOT saying that in anyway that I have ownership for his behavior, but that we were a good match on the level of dysfunction that we brought to the relationship. I think that this is a key for us in becoming healthier. Either with or without the SA.

And you are so right that self-care is paramount! I find that I have to constantly remind myself to take care of ME!!! My CSAT thinks that this is so important, too.

Hugs to you today! Hope you have beautiful weather, too.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mamato3,

Glad you have found SA/S-Anon. Finding S-Anon was a real turning point for me. Being able to sit there in a room with other women who actually knew how I felt! I had maintained the facade for so long. It felt good to be able to actually let go of that.

Our MC is great, but she's not a CSAT.

Do you have access to a CSAT? I think that in the early stages of recovery, MC is very premature. My H has been in recovery for 20 months, and we are still not even considering MC. Way too much for both of us to work through in IC with our CSAT. There are so many changes that occur in recovery for the addict and for you, that it seems logical to first pursue IC and work on your own healing first.

As for your feelings of insecurity and the triggers, you are still very new to this! You will find that as you work on YOU, the fear of abandonment and the "what ifs" will improve. I know that I can be ok without him! If he relapses, I can move on. I am strong enough, I am worth it. No, I didn't always feel that way! But that is the new me talking, the me who takes care of myself, and is working on my FOO issues. If you work on YOU, it will greatly improve those feelings. Not overnight, but progress, not perfection.

As far as triggers, for me the biggest triggers I still struggle with is being out in public with my H at times. Wondering if he is scanning and who he is looking at. I don't trigger nearly as bad as I used to, but every once in awhile I do. As your therapist said, you can't control him. Again, that is where working on your healing helps.

As long as you work on you, you are on the right path no matter what the future holds. I think that is the bright spot in all of this. We can emerge as stronger women. Hugs on your journey.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TooManyYears - Thank you! Yes, I'm so glad we found SA/SAnon. It's amazing how helpful it is to go to a meeting and be able to share things that other people might not "get."

MC is actually going very well for us. We started going when he first admitted to the EA, and I thank God we were able to talk to our MC the day after I found out about the PA. It's been a roller coaster finding out so much information . . . followed by the surprise pregnancy that same week. For us, MC has been really, really helpful. I think we're lucky that we both really like our MC.

I've looked into a CSAT, but there isn't one incredibly close. But there are a few we could make time to get to. (It's challenging finding a sitter for my three kiddos, and money is a huge concern for us right now. Ah, that's a whole other story.) I'm glad to know that they are out there though, and I did bring it up to my husband tonight. We're thinking about what makes the most sense for us.

I really appreciate your feedback and support! Thanks very much.


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please help me guys! He's turning up the charm. Washing dishes, doing laundry and sent me a have a good day the Lord has made message this morning. Telling me where he will be today!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To Mama~ You're very welcome!

To scardeyKat~ I'm always happy to be reminded that recovery is possible. I'm very happy for you and your FWH.

To TMY~

I think it is important for us in our healing journey to understand why our radars were up and why we attracted a SA, why we felt a degree of familiarity and comfort in a dysfunctional relationship.

I agree that this work is crucial. I also agree that the work is emotionally painful & stressful. Completely worth it. I'll have to look for that workbook, we used a different set of material.

To torn2bits~

I continue to get sucked in with the slightest crumb of attention or maturity my SA throws at me. Don't feel like you're the only one. Just try to remember, that the cycle is a wheel. The "nice part" of the cycle is inevitably followed by the negative section of the wheel. They are the same person no matter which part of the wheel he's on. "Mr. Nice-Guy" and "the bad guy" are the same person. When I first learned about the abuse cycle I had thought that "Mr Nice-Guy" was the *real SAWH* and "the bad guy" was just a phase or something SAWH was going through. *NOT* Remembering that my SAWH is *both* of these people, that in order to love him *now, today* I must always remember this. You know all of this too, I'm sure. It's remembering this when we're vulnerable that's the struggle. I hope this helps.


I'll return later with a post I had a really tough night last night & I need to write it out & get your input.

edited for formatting

~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 4:30 PM, June 6th (Monday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina, I thank you so much! He is usually Mr nice after he has acted out. Today is MONDAY! Made dinner and was teary eyed when I cam home from work. Same cycle for almost 2 years now.

He is also doing something strange. I know we are in the divorce process, but he is copying OLD love notes from me? Why do you think?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
NOTINKANSAS
♀ Member
Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
I am struggling today. I don't know if my SA has hit rock bottom or if that's what is happening.
He told me he wakes up every day filled with guilt and remorse and sadness and while he wants to continue recovery as a couple, he tells himself that I deserve better than him. He cries a lot. We both cry a LOT.
I don't know how to be supportive without being codependent. I am working on my self and my sense of value as a person and I am starting to feel my "power" returning. When I am sad or angry I try to let myself feel those feelings in a healthy way and I'm trying very hard to eduacte myself and know that I didn't cause any of this. This is the first time I've seen the terrible darkness that is inside of my husband, though. All these years I thought he was cocky, superficial, and aloof, when really he's been feeling like he's not good enough, not successful enough, not a good person, etc...
I guess I just don't know how to be supportive. I don't think he's a bad person, but he has done terrible things that have hurt me deeply.
Edited to add:
I think what might be happening is my husband is actually starting to FEEL real feeling for the first time in a long time.
I don't know what to do. I know I have to focus on myself but do I just step back and let him suffer without offering support? I'm so conflicted!

[This message edited by NOTINKANSAS at 7:16 PM, June 6th (Monday)]


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
mangledmom
♀ Member
Member # 31622
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notinkansas- I just listen. I hug him if I want, but mostly I just listen and ask questions on occasions. I don't seek him out, I give no advise, I just listen.

I am emotionally exhausted and mentally overwhelmed with all the SA stuff. it is scary realizing how out of touch he is with his feelings and how he mirrors how he SHOULD feel. I have always thought that, but to actually know is hard. I am afraid it will be too much and he will give up, leaving me and 3 kids broken hearted again. I see what people mean when they say it takes time in recovery before some REALLY get it. My SAWH has actually used his addiction as an excuse.....Um, ain't flyin here pal. his words have cut and scarred me deep. I hate it!!! Thankfully it looks like IC #3 will be a charm.

I have done some internal work and realized I have sexually objectified myself to men my entire life due to sexual abuse as a young girl. Funny thing us, SAWH didn't treat me like that and was the only one I ever told my shameful secret ( after 7yrs together). I needed validation and to feel wanted (but never wanted sex, just to know they wanted me), most never called once they realized no sex. I was called a tease, a slut, a whore, but SAWH told me I was beautiful, didn't push sex, wanted to meet friends and family, wanted to be in my life. we both were terrified of losing each other and married young. Go figure he's a SA that had 2 EAs w/ some makin' out, ILYs and I miss, nude photos, scary porn addiction, and a want to rape AP#2. He became a liar, not who I thought he was, distant.

I feel lost, unlovable, unwanted, ugly, like a big dummy. Just worthless. He made me feel worthy 10yrs ago after years of low self esteem, but in the end, he made me feel worse than any of those other men. I am the mother of his kids, the woman that has stood by him, but none of that mattered. I Became no one, just no one. the things he has said and done have thrown me into a very dark place within and I am scared I will never find happiness again. Ugh.

[This message edited by mangledmom at 9:32 PM, June 6th (Monday)]


BS-30

Traumatized, but I'm headed forward towards the light.

I wish you enough ....


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: mangledmom
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notinkansas, I think this is a break thru. You really can't do anything for him. He has to work on his own with IC, but like what was already said. Hugs, listening.

I know my SAWH responded to that at one point.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
MissMovingOn
♀ Member
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does it usually take a long time to get an account approved on RecoveryNation? I registered on May 27th and got an e-mail that said my account was pending and I would get a second e-mail when my registration was approved but haven't received anything yet.

WH is admitting that his porn use (escalated to viewing when the children are awake and around) is a 'problem' but doesn't think his 2 A's (or inappropriate messages to strangers on FB, memberships on 'dating' sites, etc.) are related and doesn't 'believe' in SA. He agrees that he needs 'help' of some kind but I can't pin him down on what exactly he's going to do about it.

Right now I'm taking some time and space to absorb where I've found myself - and working through the RN.com workshops once my account has been approved.

Thanks again to everyone who messaged me last week - you all really helped me find my footing again. It sucks to be here but I couldn't ask for a better group to be here with.

I'm probably not going to post too much here yet but I'm here every day following your stories and thinking of you all. {{{HUGS}}}


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
Left me for 20 yr old COW. Moving on!

Posts: 353 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
mangledmom
♀ Member
Member # 31622
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bwin- it did take a few days for RN to approve me.


BS-30

Traumatized, but I'm headed forward towards the light.

I wish you enough ....


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: mangledmom
Mustluvdogs
♀ New Member
Member # 29679
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, June 7th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bwin - I had the same problem on RN. Go back and register again but make sure you check the boxes at the bottom of the registration page as to what you want access to. I forget exactly what it says, but I didn't check them and never got the second email approving me until I checked those boxes. Hope that works for you! And by the way Recovery Nation is a godsend. For all of you dealing with SA, I can not say enough about how incredible that site is, what a valuable resource it is and it's free. It has online workshops for both partners, addicts and couples. They have a bit of different philosophy about how to manage SA then the 12 step programs. It is all about health based living and helping the SA to develop emotional maturity and to learn healthy coping and life skills. Check it out.


Me (BS)

Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.