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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
knutz
♀ Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toomanyyears,

Thank you for all of your wisdom and frank advice today. I know that this disease has an extremely high relapse rate, and that fact scares the crap out me. When i read about spouses who have had years of sobriety then relapse -- that is what freaks me out. It is basically a crap shoot, isn't it? Sometimes just feel like cutting my losses now so I won't feel that intense pain again -- but then I think about how good it could be.

Cheetabump: It could be just porn right now -- but let me say this: these men are soooo good at sneaking/lying/deceiving. I thought my husband was "only" looking at porn (did not realize it was an addiction at the time) -- but he was going to massage parlors for SIX years under my nose. He had secret credit cards that I knew nothing about - he sent the statements to his work address. If you know his SS#, do a credit check on him. It will list all the credit cards he has under his name.

Go on to sexehelp.com That is Patrick Carnes website and their is a quick quiz that may help you.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 188 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for all. We all know that they lie. I want to know if your SA lies about everything and does he lie only to you?

I am asking because I see mine lying to the kids! About stupid stuff like who made the Kool aid.

My SA has a high position in the church. I wonder if he lies to them. Also, if they go to work; doesn't this come out there? Don't they lie to their co-worker or boss or is it JUST US?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs and wishes for a bit of peace and serenity to all tonight.

Re: Lying

As for the lying? IMO, my SA lies to everyone. Exaggerates, omits. Whatever type of lying you can think of, he does it. His preferred type is exaggeration, particularly about anything that might inflate his importance (as a cover for non-existant self esteem). I can only say what my SA does, but I believe that if you've noticed a pattern than it;s highly doubtful your SA limits this behavior to you. However, if you've noticed it than it's likely others have as well.


To Cheetahbump:

None of us can tell if your WH has a deeper problem than excessive porn use, unfortunately. Some men only use porn & others escalate. Each addiction shows up in varying degrees depending on the addict. The site mentioned earlier is a good one & I recommend the test as well. Read a copy of the book Porn Nation by Michael Leahy if you want some background. Best wishes to you as you navigate these murky waters.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1.Can anyone tell me if during counseling with CSAT, has your SAWH CSAT ever wanted to meet with you?

My SAWH CSAT so far has not.

2.Also, have you experienced the "full disclosure"? The time where you, your SAWH, and IC(I'm assuming the CSAT) meet.

If so, emotionally, what can I expect if that time ever comes (my SAWH doesn't show emotion).

3. A SAWH who has trouble getting in touch with his feelings, feeling remorse, do they ever?

4. My SAWH is a month into his 90 day celibacy. What do they expect to get out of it. Also, I was told I may see anger from him, lots of anger. So far, I haven't really. He's just going on with life like nothing is wrong. What is the ultimate goal of a period of celibacy?

Thank you.

MO5

[This message edited by momoffive at 9:44 PM, June 1st (Wednesday)]


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 18
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
Box of Rain
♀ New Member
Member # 32345
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I have been reading this entire thread for the past 4 days from beginning to end. I am brand new and want to thank each and every one of you here for being so courageous and strong. You have been a bright light in the darkest days of my life.

I'm so glad I found this website!!


Box of Rain~
ME: BS, 35 HIM: WH, 33
Married 3.5 yrs, together 5 yrs
0 children
D-Day 5/24/11
Countless online indifelities, porn addict and possible SA
S 6/4/11 D - coming soon
"My religon is very simple. My religon is kindness." Dalai Lama

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Momoffive: My SA has not seen a CSAT because he is in complete denial. He has never confessed to anything. He just agrees to things that I have proof of, and none of that is about his PA.

There are others who will chime in here about confession, as their SA was forced or did confess.



Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sigh...

So much to deal with.

We went camping this weekend with our children. The kids had fun. SAWH and I had minimal interaction. We did play the game scrabble twice with our kids. I tried to concentrate on me and my children.

One evening I was sitting by the campfire by myself and SAWH came out and sat down. Of course there was silence. So frustrated like usual, I thought I'd share what I've been feeling about graduation.

My situation:

It's about 1 week until our sons high school graduation. I have been stressing and hurting/crying quietly because it really, really hurts because SAWH MOW will be there. They are NC, but I can't stand the sight of her. Her daughter and our son are in the same graduation class.

So I say to SAWH that I'm hurting terribly because of having to be there in the presence of the MOW.

SAWH: "Then don't go."

Me: "You're telling me not to go to our sons graduation?"

SAWH: "I don't know what else to tell you."

Me: "I need you to see that I'm hurting and try to understand that".

My SAWH doesn't want me to let him know I'm hurting. He also has told me recently that he feels no remorse.

My self esteem is in the gutter here of late because knowing that MOW will be there. The "thing" SAWH wanted instead of me.

[This message edited by momoffive at 9:55 PM, June 1st (Wednesday)]


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 18
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, June 1st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mom of Five, this kind of selfish indifference to your feelings or emotional hollowness sounds a lot like my husband early in SA recovery. It's like they are "dry drunks" as they say in AA. They have quit acting out but they miss it (withdrawal) and they don't have new, positive things to replace their addiction with. (You know, the things that bring the rest of us joy - real relationships, friendships, seeing our kids happy, a good movie, etc.)

It's taken my SAWH nearly a year of recovery and therapy and he is just starting to become emotionally present.
My opinion is that they have used addiction for so long to avoid feelings they don't even know how to feel anymore. I'd be on the floor sobbing and my SAWH was so numb and hollow he would just stare blankly. Nothing would change his expression.

Hang on. Protect yourself. Don't rely on him for emotional support until he is healthy enough to give it to you. If he is earnest in his work with a CSAT it should come.

Please take care of yourself and lean on your girlfriends and a support group, if you can.

As for the graduation, if your kid's class is large maybe you can go early, get a seat way up front or way in the back where either you won't be able to see OW or you can quickly leave if you do and you feel too triggery to continue. Find all of the exits and sit near one. I have been in crowds where OW was and have used this strategy. I also imagined myself with an imaginary force field around me that she couldn't penetrate. I never saw her but I saw her ex-boyfriend and I looked right through him when I felt super-triggery. Take your own keys, maybe even your own car, and prepare to have a "headache" if you need to get out of there pronto and don't want to wreck the event for your kids. Just knowing I was in charge of my own destiny and I had a plan made me able to hang in there. Have a GAME PLAN so you hold the cards, not your SAWH or OW!!!!

JMHO.

BS 50
WH 52
son 11
Ddays 9/24/07 and 9/1/10

[This message edited by dayatatime at 10:53 PM, June 1st (Wednesday)]


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 763 | Registered: Nov 2007
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, June 2nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TooManyYears:

Thanks...I just want women to hear the Reality of what SA is. I know when I was new to S-Anon, I cringed hearing the horror stories of SA's acting out with hookers...but soon it became my reality. I have a S-Anon friend whose SA WH got into meth and sordid gay sex...she never knew for a year...he is now HIV positive yet he STILL acts out and slips back to meth...and he is in recovery groups, has a sponsor and is trying...just tragic.

Glad you have a plan & can support yourself...lots of women in this sitch. aren't so lucky. I've heard just about every nightmare story out there now from real women hurting & crying right next to me...We, being normal, can't even fathom the details & sick fetishes that some SA's go to...I'm under no illusions as to the Progression of this deadly disease...I can only pray for the women and pray for the SA's to get help...



~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, June 2nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The biggest suggestion I would say to Newcomers is get a polygraph. *I* actually never had to do one because when my WH got caught lying in counseling, he knew we were going to make him take one. I wrote out a loooong list of Disclosure ?'s he HAD to answer...and he DID. THAT is how I found out initially. IF he never had the reality pressure that he was going to be polygraphed, he never would've confessed.
After that, I just asked God to show me w/ out me having to snoop around...and He did...several times--busted!

I ended up giving him about 3 sets of ?'s to answer after I got the 1st info...Don't back down, Ladies! You need to know what you're dealing with--the Reality in order to make decisions for yourself. IF your WH refuses, well, there you go...

[This message edited by ScribblingMum at 12:51 AM, June 2nd (Thursday)]


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, June 2nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

credit card checks don't always show activity as many men pay cash-only for massage parlors/hookers...:(


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
DOH!  Posted: 8:07 AM, June 2nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To MO5:


Disclaimer-

My SAWH only went to a CSAT for 4 months & then decided all by himself that they were wrong & he isn't an SA or a dry drunk. News to me, let me tell you. GRRRR..... So my answers are coming from that POV. I've been in therapy with a CSAT for 10 months and I can answer some things based on what I've learned in that time.


1. The CSAT I see does joint appointments with couples, but AFAIK it's at the request of the SA. It's possible that your SA's CSAT feels he isn't ready or the CSAT asked to speak to both of you & the SA simply told him/her that you refused (or something similar).

2. I was told certain things on each Dday (I've had 2). SAWH didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, so I know he's hiding things. My SA wasn't in therapy long enough to do a formal discclosure.

3. All SA's, every single one, have trouble feeling & expressing their feelings. My SA is a master at faking feelings based on what I what I want to hear. I didn't accept this reality until recently. That's why addiction is an intimacy disorder- the addict uses sex (specifically orgasms) to push their feelings down so the addict doesn't have to feel anything. From other posters here, there are addicts who take their recovery seriously and learn to feel and share their feelings authentically. Most of these spouses report that it takes a committed addict years to get to this point. YEARS. I've no direct knowledge of this due to my sitch.

4. I've no information to share with you regarding the 90 day period. We never got that far. If your SA isn't struggling with this, than it's likely he's acting out somewhere, someway, without your knowledge. OTOH, perhaps he hasn't hit withdrawal yet. Some addicts take up to 6 or 8 weeks to start withdrawal symptoms. This is according to members in my therapy group whose SA's have done the 90 days. As for the goal, the 90 days is supposed to let the hormonal highs disappear and for him to begin to get an idea of what it would be like to live within his skiin & with you without his drug of choice. Of course, this only works if he's completely celibate.

I hope that helps a little bit. YMMV

~ Sabina

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
happyending
♀ Member
Member # 21009
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, June 2nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been awhile since I posted on this thread- but I read frequently. All of your insight has been tremendously helpful to me. Me and my spouse have been through a lot of stuff the past 3-4 years- and I thought I might not find myself on this thread again, but here I am. My question, or thought today, is this: If you SA spouse is "just" looking at porn- but won't stop (even though he knows how much it hurts you) and lies, sneaks around about it...is that alone ever enough? I know that many (or most) SA's progress, and I have find evidence if this with my spouse in the past (sexting, facebook chatting with 19 year olds, ect.. ) but have not been able to find evidence of any of that behavior in about 1-2 years. I thought it was done..but I was suspicious. Put a keylogger on our new computer, and there it was. But there has been no progression in this immediate time period. I haven't confronted him, because I want to know if his behavior will escalate. But it is KILLING me. It absolutely tears me up. But many people have told me this is "nomal" behavior (looking at porn) for a man, so I don't know if I'm hypersensitive or what. I am in IC, my spouse has had MC with me in the past but quit going. I've tried to get him to see a CSAT but he says he can't miss work, its too expensive, ect. There isn't any S-Anon anywhere close to where we live. I know he needs to be working a program...but I'm so tired of "telling" him to do that! I guess I just don't know when I can say "enough is enough" and quit trying. His behaviors are (esp. now) not as extreme as many SA's are, but I don't know. It still feels so sick to me.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
ScribblingMum
♀ Member
Member # 20097
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 2nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll answer the PM's I got but will say some general stuff that addresses the ?'s:

All of my disclosure ?'s got lost when my old computer died. They were very detailed--about 10 times more than any I've seen in any of the books...sorry I don't have them to share here any longer.
My WH and I were seeing a counselor that was actually a recovering SA himself--he'd lost his license cuz of acting out w/ patients and finally turned his life around...so he was wonderful to have as a counselor.
IF your SA isn't willing to get honest & doesn't really want to stop or recover, it's money wasted w/ a CSAT, in my opionion & experience. Counseling for YOU is the key here.
Again, the SA WH's are NOT going to confess shit. Our counselor was all for not polygraphing until WH kept lying/acting out in counseling...then he supported it 100%. Some Sa Recovery places polygraph right off the bat--this is probably the best approach IMO. Duh. you cut through months/years of bullshit pain.
IF the SA won't admit he's an addict and won't stop the acting out behaviors--porn or worse, then you must remove yourself from him. There HAVE to be consequences. IF he refuses a polygraph, you know he's lying/hiding shet. You don't have to WAIT to "catch him"...if he wants to save the marriage, he'll do what it takes. Otherwise, he can get the hell out until he's willing to DEAL.
After the initial poly., it's recommended you can do one every 6 months until he's on track (doesn't usually happen though). Sorta like drug testing a heroin addict.
In my case, I accidentally (GOD for sure!) got through to a cell call WH was having w/ a hooker! I heard the whole thing, unbeknownst to him. I called him & some fluke happened & it put me into their conersation in his truck!
Other times, I busted him on his cell phone--he'd been hiding it/taking it to bathroom--blah-blah. I could go on & on. I never got a VAR or GPS, etc. The threat of poly. was enough.
YET. He lost everything and still is acting out w/ hookers using no protection & doesn't care if he gets something or gives someone else HIV, etc. He admits/knows he's a SA ...

I'm sure worse is yet to come. He's driven to San Fran. to get $$$ w/ a hooker, took off recently 2 states away to be w/ hookers he met from before (as IF there aren't enough hookers in S. Calif ass-hole!), has done EVERY single Holiday w/ hookers in a Big Way, feels entitles since he has no family now. He knows we know all this...
Even the love for his 24dd who won't speak to him ain't enough to make him stop.

All I can say is get into an S-Anon group for support for YOU...listen to some of the CD's from the SA's mouths themselves (I've been to sev. SA/S-Anon conferences & you can order on-line)...will blow your mind at their honesty...THEY say SA is the worst disease you can have out of ALL of the addictions. Don't be afraid to know the Truth...


~ScribblingMum~
D-D 1: 12/23/06 - Porn (dd bust him on-line)
D-D 2: 4-25-08 - Massage P.'s(new act. in pretend recov.)
D-D 3:9-9-08 Caught call m. girl
D-Day 4: 6/30/09 -: free MP g.f./prost.
D-Day 5: 1-10-10: new mp prost's.
~DONE!


Posts: 1529 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: S .CALIF.
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, June 2nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScribblingMum,

I just want to give you the biggest hug! You have been through so much and you have so much wisdom. I know things have been so rough in your life. I know how fortunate I am to be in my position, making over $80k. Years ago I wasn't. I remember being a young housewife and finding out that my H was hanging out in the seedy area of town (where all the prostitutes and porn shops were). At that point in my life I really felt so hopeless and crushed. I went back to school and got my BSN. I poured a lot of time into my career. Too much. I tend towards workaholism and alcoholism. I am not an alcoholic (I know that sounds funny and like denial), but I have had times when I was really low (before the last dday) where I was drinking too much and everyday.

I want to once again validate the points you are making! So glad you are here again (in this thread). I don't think this thread is only for those who are in R or trying to R with an addict. I think that those who have been through this have a lot to share. I know in my S-Anon group there are a variety of people in different stages of relationships or recovery.

My WH and I were seeing a counselor that was actually a recovering SA himself--he'd lost his license cuz of acting out w/ patients and finally turned his life around...so he was wonderful to have as a counselor.

My H's CSAT is a recovering SA himself (many years out). I think it is awesome because he knows all the tricks and accepts NO bullshit. I know that the conventional wisdom is that I need a separate CSAT, but I see him, too.

IF your SA isn't willing to get honest & doesn't really want to stop or recover, it's money wasted w/ a CSAT, in my opionion & experience. Counseling for YOU is the key here.

This is what I ALWAYS want to emphasize to newcomers. Take care of yourself and get better for YOU.

And momoffive, I think this particularly applies to your situation. Your WH is NOT displaying any sort of remorse (per every post you post) and is white knuckling at best, if he is even doing that. My H went through bad withdrawals and even had a slip during that period with porn. He shouldn't just be breezing through it as business as usual.

He's driven to San Fran. to get $$$ w/ a hooker

San Francisco is such a trigger for me. My H had to make frequent business trips there one year, a year I know he was acting out very badly. I felt so powerless at that point in my life and so upset. I have never been there, and don't know if I could go. I know that sounds silly, as I am sure it is a lovely city.

feels entitles

My H and I have talked about this a lot. The sense of entitlement a SA feels during their acting out. I think it is a hallmark of the mindset of the addict.

he has no family now.

My H really struggles with this. Our kids found out about his SA during the last dday, as it was all so very ugly and involved the authorities. Come to find out, they already knew he had sick porn in the office, as they had seen it up on his computer when they went in his office to get something, and he had left it up. They just didn't want to say anything to me. Imagine how damaged they have been by all this. They had no respect for me, either, because I hid his secret life for years. We pretended to have a marriage. We kept up the facade. They don't believe in marriage or relationships or even God anymore. It is sad, but a reality I have had to accept that growing up in a house of addiction has really messed them up. That is why I always tell newcomers NEVER STAY FOR THE KIDS!!!! It is not going to turn out how you hoped it would. Our kids don't call him "dad" anymore. On a good day they address him as "hey you" or "him" on a bad day it is "the troll".

All I can say is get into an S-Anon group for support for YOU...listen to some of the CD's from the SA's mouths themselves (I've been to sev. SA/S-Anon conferences & you can order on-line)...will blow your mind at their honesty...THEY say SA is the worst disease you can have out of ALL of the addictions. Don't be afraid to know the Truth...

Amen! I don't think that any of this can be said enough. I know that my H's acting out was way worse than I ever tell anyone. My H did things that I am very ashamed of and that were very degrading. I did receive a full disclosure, but honestly, at some point I just said, how much worse could it be anyways, and I try not to focus on the details anymore. My H has a terrible memory (always has about anything and everything...I attribute it to the abuse he suffered as a child), so I know I could never 100% know the details, and I was not fixated on them. I guess one difference between my situation and a lot of other situations on SI is that my H never had what I would term an A. He acted out with others, but not in the context of a relationship. In some ways that has been very freeing, because I can focus the blame squarely where it belongs, on him. I don't have any animosity towards those he acted out with. They are nameless and faceless to me. There is a time where I would have been focused on those details, but I am much further in recovery and don't care about that anymore. What is important to me now is what he is doing in the here and now, since recovery.

I do think slips are VERY common with SA and it is a lifelong battle. It isn't something that is fixed, it is something that is managed in the best way possible. My H says he know he will be going to meetings for the rest of his life. He really hit his rock bottom at the last dday, and I feel cautiously optimistic that he will remain in recovery. And I DO NOT manage his recovery. He is in charge of that completely. I also trust that if he is acting out again, I will know. However, I am taking care of ME and will be all right with or without him. I have changed!!!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 2nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happyending,

You have been on this roller coaster for awhile. What are you doing for YOU? You say you are in IC, is it a CSAT? You can see one for yourself. I recommend not just basic IC, but a CSAT, because you need treatment that is more specific than that aimed at the general population. Oh, and there is NO point in MC until the SA is really deep into recovery.

I will address a couple of points you have made:

I haven't confronted him, because I want to know if his behavior will escalate. But it is KILLING me. It absolutely tears me up. But many people have told me this is "nomal" behavior (looking at porn) for a man, so I don't know if I'm hypersensitive or what.

If he is a SA, no, porn is NOT normal or acceptable behavior. I think in your gut you know this, or else you wouldn't have bothered to install the keylogger. I think our guts do know what is going on. I may not know what sort of acting out my H was doing, but I knew it. I would go into snooping mode and find out. I had that need to know. Bottom line now is he is either in or isn't in recovery. That is where I am at now.

I know he needs to be working a program...but I'm so tired of "telling" him to do that! I guess I just don't know when I can say "enough is enough" and quit trying. His behaviors are (esp. now) not as extreme as many SA's are, but I don't know. It still feels so sick to me.

Yes, you are right here. Managing his recovery is NOT going to work. He has to want it for himself. He has to hit his rock bottom. He may never. So, once again, I say you need to work on YOU. Yes, you already know that SA is progressive. He is either acting out to more than porn and hiding it really well, or he is "managing" his addiction with just porn right now, but IMHO that won't last. Sorry.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 2nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momoffive,

I agree with dayatatime that your WH is just a "dry drunk" if he is even sober at all. He has stated that he has no remorse, and he doesn't seem to have any motivation to change. While I know that developing empathy for others and being able to be emotionally present and intimate with others is something that a SA has to develop in recovery, your WH is such an asshole. I am sorry, but he is still downright abusive to you emotionally. You don't have to take it. Protect yourself and get into your own recovery. PLEASE!!! From your posts, even your kids are seeing this. That is when you know it is bad. Their viewpoints on marriage are being formed right now, and not in a good way.

As I wrote in the previous post as a comment on SM's post, your WH is just spinning his wheels with treatment if he doesn't even feel remorse for what he did. Why is he even bothering to go through the motions at this point, if he really has no motivation or desire to change? I would be curious to know the answer, if he could be honest with you about it.

As for seeing the CSAT, my H's CSAT has always welcomed me to come whenever I wanted. What I will say about my H's CSAT is that he always has called me out on my own recovery, too. When I would go to see him to vent about my H he would turn it around and ask me what I am doing for me. I have been seeing him for IC this year. So, yes, I think you should be able to go and meet your WH's CSAT. I recommend it.

As for a full disclosure, you are a long way out from that. It is facilitated by a CSAT (usually 2 are there, yours and his) and it is done when the SA is much further into the recovery process. When you meet your WH's CSAT, ask how they handle the full disclosure.

As for the graduation, I am sorry. As I have previously stated, my H never had an affair. He acted out with others, but not in the context of a relationship. So, there is no OW/OP to hate at this point. I probably would have felt that way before recovery or even early into recovery if there was someone else. The blame is squarely with your WH. I know that is a hard concept. He was the one responsible to you who made vows to you before God. I think the suggestions made about getting a seat near an exit and making a plan are very good.

I really sincerely hope you will work on getting help and support for you. You need some peace in your life. You cannot count on your WH to provide that. It has to come from within. And you need a good support system outside of your broken marriage.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, June 2nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

credit card checks don't always show activity as many men pay cash-only for massage parlors/hookers...:(

Yes, this. My H was smart enough to only use cash.

And BTW, welcome boxofrain, to the thread you never wanted to be a member of. Post away. And hugs to you.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 2nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happyending:

My husband acted out with porn for at least 15 years. His addiction did not escalate in terms of progressing from porn to acting out with live people. In other words, he just watched porn.

However, my husband's addiction did escalate in terms of frequency. I can pinpoint a few times in our marriage where his acting out ramped up.

FWIW, in my opinion, a sex addict is a sex addict. No matter how they act out. We wouldn't treat an alcoholic who "just" got drunk off wine differently than an alcoholic who gets drunk off of vodka or wild turkey.

You also can't predict how an addiction will escalate. But, you can be guarenteed that it will.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
NOTINKANSAS
♀ Member
Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 2nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for all. We all know that they lie. I want to know if your SA lies about everything and does he lie only to you?

Oh boy, my SA lied about everything to everyone. Big lies, small lies, lies about stuff that really didn't make sense or that he didn't need to lie about. Stupid me, I thought he lied to everyone BUT me. I thought that since he lied right in front of me about things that I knew the truth about and he would even use me to back him up, like when he lied to his mother, that he wouldn't lie TO me. Messed up thinking, I know.

It's one of the lifelong behaviors that my SA is working to change.


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
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