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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you live with SAWH?

Momoffive,

I am so sorry. Your pain is so clear in your post, and I just wish I could give you a hug.

The only thing I can say is that I don't live with my SAWH, but have regular communication with him because of our daughter. He is not in recovery, not remorseful, and basically is continuing his "other life", while saying he still loves me and is attracted to me, wants our marriage....blah, blah, blah. Limbo Land sucks.

What I can tell you is that the pain is still there, whether under the same roof or not. This is just a shitty road to travel, and the only thing that helps is working on myself. Good friends, lots of journaling, reading on SI, working on a long term plan, IC, reading books, and eating lots of chocolote chip cookies SOMETIMES helps.

I am 7 months out and still collapse in tears over the silliest things. On the days that I feel like I am not getting better fast enough, I try to hold onto the statement that it takes 2-5 years to get over an affair.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are heard, that what you are feeling is normal, and that you are being sent some virtual hugs.

Just wanted also to check in and say hi. I have been busy bouncing around the codependency and NPD threads lately. Jeeze, so many things to deal with.

Some good news, though. I have rented out "our" family home to help with bills, and my daughter got into the awesome charter school we were hoping she could go to.

I am still scared, hurt, and lost. But am also building a good life and trying to enjoy the little things that bring sunshine to my day.

May each and every one of you awesome folks feel a bit of sunshine today.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momoffive,

Let me emphasize this one more time...YOUR WH IS NOT IN RECOVERY!!!! He is going through the motions, perhaps even white-knuckling. No law states that you must live with the SA. I will never ever advocate that you or anyone else stay with a SA who is not in recovery.

Ok, so maybe is it not feasible to separate and divorce at this time, but as far as sharing a room/bed with him, you CAN take a stand. One of you should move out of the bedroom for now. You need a safe place to sleep and decompress without him. Do you have a basement? Do you have another room? Get the CSAT to back you up. You need to detach.

As long as your WH is NOT in a real recovery, he is going to be a self absorbed jackass. And I don't think I need to tell you that it is not about the other people he has acted out with. Your anger and disgust belongs firmly with him. While the revenge fantasies may sound good, why don't you take some tangible steps in your life right now to improve it? Detach from him. He is only going to hurt you right now. Protect yourself and start to heal.

He may NEVER change. I know that is not what people around here want to hear. Everyone wants the fairy tale ending with the perfect remorseful spouse. I guess I am living the dream, ha ha. Only after my H hit rock bottom so hard that it took all of us with him. I wish I would have left years ago. I realize that my situation is different, as my H is very remorseful and in recovery, but even almost 2 years into it, sometimes I have mixed feelings about it. And that is with a H that is doing everything right.

Get healthy for YOU and your kids. Detach and get things in order. You don't have to live this way! The pain is too much!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 90 day celibacy period is not supposed to be a punishment for either of you. It is supposed to be a period of deprogramming and rewiring the brain. It is supposed to be a time to focus on nonsexual intimacy.

TooManyYears - SAWH told me that this 90 days is about him deprogramming his thinking. He said that this is about him. Never mentioned the focusing on nonsexual intimacy.

I expressed my fears of his anger towards me and towards my children, especially our 18 year old son. DS seems to take the brunt of it out of all the kids. I was warned by my IC that the farther into the 90 days he goes, that he will probably show lots of anger while he is forced to face emotions and detoxing. IC said detoxing from sex is as bad and hard on a person as someone detoxing from cocaine. We talked about how I should talk to my children concerning the moodiness and anger that she kept warning me about. Our children know their dad cheated on me, but I don't believe they know about SA.

Not sure what my question is really... guess you confirmed what I thought (the focusing on nonsexual intimacy), even though it's not what SAWH says.

[This message edited by momoffive at 7:18 PM, May 24th (Tuesday)]


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 18
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't care if you have been married 2 years or 22 years, my advice is always the same. Take care of yourself. Get yourself in IC, get finances in order, and get healthy for you and your children. Obviously, your WH is just going through the motions. Whenever you are ready, leave. Don't stay for the sake of the kids. That is just damaging them..One of you should move out of the bedroom for now. You need a safe place to sleep and decompress without him..As long as your WH is NOT in a real recovery, he is going to be a self absorbed jackass.. Detach from him. He is only going to hurt you right now. Protect yourself and start to heal. He may NEVER change. I know that is not what people around here want to hear. Everyone wants the fairy tale ending with the perfect remorseful spouse.

^^^^^*ALL OF THIS^^^^^

Really. I'm living with a non-recovering, totally in denial, verbally & emotionally abusive SAWH. My story is in my profile if you're interested. I survive by practicing really strong self care skills: detachment, a *lot* of therapy, building a strong external (outside of my M) support system. I've been a SAHM for several years & haven't worked FT for years, so I signed up for a job training & job search class. I'm almost at the end of the job training part and am beginning the job search part. I'm going to 12 step meetings. I'm getting my ducks in a row. I would not make it, I literally would not survive without therapy & doing all of these self care skills. And some weeks it's still doubtful if I can survive this fiasco. The costs are draining & our money situation was bad already. I don't care. I need serious amounts of help to survive. I've found the deep deep core of my inner self and I'm tapping that reserve of strength and character in order to get my situation organized so that I can S or D. Learn to set and enforce boundaries and consequences. Sleep separately. Learn everything you can about SA from reputable sources.

Above all- none of this is our fault. Ever. Prioritize yourself. Hang on ladies. Post here often. Journal. Do not remain isolated.

~ Sabina

edited for formatting

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 9:53 PM, May 24th (Tuesday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
SorrowHeart
♀ Member
Member # 18474
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In answer to those in pain and wondering when to give up: I'm divorced now, and separated about five years ago. The ex is still in denial all these years later, and blames me. Thank God I no longer have to communicate with him on a daily basis! I learned to establish healthy 180 boundaries, but it did take a while, like another 18 months after I booted him out.

I gave myself a timeline of one year when I discovered his infidelity six years ago. I did not know at the time that he was an SA. But after finding hard core porn pics of him participating in orgies, etc., I gave up. This at at the end of that year I gave to work on our marriage, because he had convinced me it was mostly my fault that he was the way he was. It was a year of tears.

Nothing like visual images to realize that the situation was utterly beyond what I could cope with. He was and is in way too deep.

Life is better now. Yes, I live on a very tight budget, but I have peace of mind. I was a SAHM and only worked part-time when our marriage finally broke. But for personal sanity, I had to end it. It was not healthy for our kids to be in that kind of situation.

The kids and I were seeing an excellent psychologist until last week, when the ex decided that he didn't want our kids counseled by her. Why? Because it would mean he finally has to face himself, and worse, face the kids, who finally know what happened. So back to the lawyer to figure out our options. However, the kids consider this home their refuge and safety net, so they are not totally unable to cope.


Living one day at a time.

Mom of three

DD: September 23, 2005

Divorced April 10/08


Posts: 163 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Alberta
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for your sincere words.

I told SAWH last nite in MC that I am going ahead with the D. He admitted that he left me there just like he did last Sunday at the beginning of our M. If I really look at this,I have been putting up with this our entire marriage.

I have told myself what more can I take. I have since evaluated my marriage before this happened. I have self-worth and must realize he treats people at his church better then me.

I am financially stable and have my own lawyer. Its going to get ugly now.

I want a partner in life. I don't want to fear for what he will do next. In MC he became angry and controlling again. I said I am done.

He now won't get out of the house, but that's ok. I am in the bedroom upstairs and he is in the basement. Strangers at work treat me better. This guy is supposed to be my husband. Arghh! The problem is that I love him but I just can't do this anymore. It has been almost 2 years. He has been in IC for almost a year. Same abusive behavior.

Hugs and strength to you all. Sending you the best esteem ever!!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorrowheart:

Thank you so much for you encouraging words.

I say these same things to myself. How many years of my life are going to be stolen by a person who is abusive to me and blaming me. He is controlling and is still in complete denial.

Three cheers for our womanhood and living the LIFE THAT WE WANT as respected human beings!!!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, May 26th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((torn2bits)) & ((sorrowheart))

My heart goes out to both of you. Eventually I'll end up where each of you are.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else feel this way? Like you are making progress on yourself, but you feel like you are waiting for him to "get it"?

Heck yes! I asked him to leave 7 months ago after it came out that he had sexually abused his sister as a teenager (we have a 4 yo daughter, and there was no way I was going to take any chances with her well being). He was abusive the day before this news to the point that I took my daughter and left for the night. He moved out the next day. The last 7 months have been TT that has almost brought me to my knees- internet porn, phone sex, prostitutes, and drug use. I had known about his porn use for years, but had no idea the depth of the problem. I thought we had agreements in place to mitigate potential problems...he broke the agreements and went hog wild. He went to SA while we were living together, and stayed sober about 30 days, then acted out and lied about it.

I am working hard to build a new life, and have held out hope he would get help. He did go to some counseling and was diagnosed SA. Unfortunately, he continues to act out. I don't think he is continuing counseling, but not sure.

Some days I am strong, but this morning I am weak and could use some help. I just don't know how long to hold out hope for him coming out of the fog. I will forever hope he gets help, but when do I give up on the marriage? I know the general wisdom is one year, but we are already seperated.

I did tell him about 3 months in what he needed to do to save the marriage. He lies that he is doing these things. When I asked what he had done, his response is, "I haven't disappeared". Stightly less than what is needed, huh?

In answer to those in pain and wondering when to give up: I'm divorced now, and separated about five years ago.

SorrowHeart,

How did you do it? I can see where you drew your line in the sand, but how did you get your heart to give up? My little heart just holds on, and it is screwing up my head.

I know this will sound backwards, but part of me doesn't want to be the one to "officially" call it quits. We both still wear our rings, and he says he wants the marriage, but his actions don't match. I have always been the responsible one, and it just feels like letting him off the hook to end it, like I am the bad guy.

I know I am rambling. Pain, confusion, and a lack of caffeine have me twisted.

Please, any input is so welcome. I am putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward with my life, but my damned heart is lagging. Do I just go ahead and take off my ring? Do I give up on hope for the marriage?

I am sorry guys, it is really a bad morning.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
MissMovingOn
♀ Member
Member # 30720
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some one on one help from one (or more) of the well seasoned members in here if anyone is willing. Please PM me if you have time to spare.


Me: BS, 34
Him: (SA/NPD)WH, 31
Multiple ddays since 2010 (Latest January 15th 2013) - not counting anymore!
Left me for 20 yr old COW. Moving on!

Posts: 353 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: West Coast Canada
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Bent44)) I am where you are. I could say the same things you stated. I love the man to death. I will always love him. My heart has not let go. I have people on the outside, people who are not involved with an addict hear what he does and how he has treated me. They say, its over. People who love you or even care about you, do not treat you in this manner. Only you know your SAWH. Will he change with all the hard work there is to be done? These are questions I have asked myself.

I took my ring off 6 months ago when we separated. He wears his, says he wants the marriage but is STILL acting out. From great SIers he is cake eating!! Doesn't want anyone to know, wants to keep his image, his family at my expense. I see my codependency in allowing him to manipulat me. I have been with him for 22 years, he knows what will "soften" me up.

I do not take the blame for this marriage ending and neither should you! I told him I did not want to be here. I expected to be with you for the rest of my life.

He is abusive. I can't trust him. I can't be intimate with him. He lies. He is not in recocery. Even if he was, they still have to learn not to lie. Wow, what a marriage this is ay!

No, its like the hard decisions you have to make for your kids when they do wrong. You have to show them the consequences of their actions which have nothing to do with you and are not your fault.

I know its not an easy thing. I am struggling with my heart now, but my suuport group continues to remind me that: he betrayed me, he lies, he cheated on me and he is NOT remorseful.

My best to you in your decision.

Torn


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Torn. It really helps so much that I am not alone, but makes me sad that another person is in my shoes.

After crying and dry heaving in the shower, I have come up with a couple of things:

1. I am waiting for him to fight for our marriage so I can feel WORTH it to stay for.

2. I will not be able to leave until I know I am WORTH it....to leave.

Perhaps this post belongs in the Codependency thread, but I can admit in this moment that I am still looking to him to find my worth.

I need to find my own worth within myself.

I believe we go to these low places to see the depths of our own wounds. It really hurts, but this is where the healing needs to happen.

This now has to become about me and the shitty things I am doing to myself, and not about him and the shitty things he is doing to me. The truth is the shitty things he continues to do are about him. The shitty things I continue to do to myself are about me.

Argh....I am taking my daughter swimming and am going to eat some chocolate chip cookies. I deserve that much.

Thank you all for your continued support, and I apologize for today's pity party.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats bent!

I realize that seems like a very odd thing to say, but you have had a breakthrough in terms of healing. Yes, you still have a lot of work to do (I know, because I am still working on things, too), but just realizing that you need to break free of codependency is a huge step.

Hearing more of your story (the fact that he abused a family member as a teen) just reinforces to me that you are doing the right thing in terms of protecting your daughter. SA's don't just start acting out as adults. It is an addiction with its roots in FOO and childhood. My H was acting out before he even entered junior high, and had been sexually abused by his father. I am ashamed to say that my H had done things I consider predatory in his acting out as well. SA's who are not in recovery CANNOT be trusted.

I just wanted to give you some validation and hugs today. You will get there.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ torn2bits,

I have always enjoyed reading your words, and am just shocked at how similiar our stories are. I was only with him for 6 years, though. I cannot imagine dealing with this after being together for so long. Thank you so much for your input. How are you doing?

@ TooManyYears,
Thank you for validating my feelings about my daughter. I, too, was sexually abused as a child and was a little worried I was over-reacting. However, her counselor has told me to NEVER leave her alone with him.

It's kind of wierd. I had wanted to leave the marriage for awhile, but had the STRONGEST feeling I did not want him to have custody of her. (This, finances, and a true desire to have a family kept me there). I may doubt my gut sometimes, but mommy instinct is never wrong!

I am sending you both chocolate chip cookies tonight, along with my sincerest thanks.

This doesn't feel good, but it feels right.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, May 27th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bent....well first of all I am jealous because you are in sunny California and I am in Illinois and its figgin cold!

I have my older sister who lives near by and she is grat support in helping me to "see" what this really is. Yes, I have been with him since I was 19. I was so codependent that I took his controlling behavior all these years. Sure there were good times and we did many things, but his Dr. Jekyll didn't start to appear until about 2 years ago when I found my voice. I am not the person he married. He despises that I went to graduate school and he has no college. He gets angry at me taking a cooking class! It means I have a life without him. Also, I too was sexually abused by my grandfather when I was a child. Jeez the broken find the broken ay! Anyway, I am a different persona dn come from a line of steong women. My mom is an attorney. She, above all others has told me not to put up with his crap. I don't see your SAWH leaving you somewhere without a way to get home or throwing canned goods at your head. Mine is doing this besides cheating on me....the asshole! Also, not that I need this but there are like 3 gentelman at my work who have been....pursuing me.

Bent---you are worth so much more. All of us are. They can not even give us common decency; treat us like human beings.

I am crushed beyond measure, but the new beginnings stories here have given me hope.

Coincidentally, I will steer clear of all men in their 40s. This midlife stuff added to SA, their generation got really screwed when the learned to MB when playboy came out,etc. Funny our men are in their 40s.

You are doing well because you are not living with him. How is he handling being away from you?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, May 28th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see your SAWH leaving you somewhere without a way to get home or throwing canned goods at your head.


Hey Torn2bits,

No canned goods...instead, once, he sprayed me with WD-40, broke my glasses, and threw knives at the wall when we fought. I did pour milk on him that time. We won't even go in to his antics the night before I asked him to leave!

I am so glad you have your sister and a strong mom. We have those things in common, too. My mom is 73 years old and still works running her own company. My sis works as well as raises 3 boys with her wonderful husband. They are both strong women that I love dearly. They are far away, but I have awesome lady friends here.

As to how he is handling being away from me, you would probably get a clearer answer to that question from the prostitutes he still visits.

I did not find SI until a couple of months into this ordeal. Also, the first many months, he was converting our garage into the wonderful little house DD and I live in now, so he was around a lot. I did not start the 180 until he was done. He is not anywhere ready to give up his other life, although he would have me believe otherwise. Lying, gaslighting, blaming,...you name it, he is still at it.

I am almost to the point of not caring what he is up to. I still snoop to keep myself and DD safe, to keep me for falling for his lies. He is SMOOTH.

I plan on steering clear of men regardless of their age for quite some time. But you make a great point about the ones in their 40's. Will file that info for later use. TY!

The gentlemen at work must be a big boost for your ego! You go girl.

Sorry to be blunt, but what are your plans for your future? Do you still hold out hope for your marriage? What is your SA doing?

Yes, it is nice here in CA. DD and I just got back from a wonderful walk through our little town last night, watching street performers and sharing a burrito. This is a big night out for us. Funny how things change...I used to be a party girl.

And there lies the problem. I can say I USED to be a party girl, then I grew up, got married, and had a child. He is still a party boy. But at 38, he looks more like a pathetic, broken little boy...sadly.

Ah, what next?


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
SorrowHeart
♀ Member
Member # 18474
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, May 28th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"How did you do it? I can see where you drew your line in the sand, but how did you get your heart to give up? My little heart just holds on, and it is screwing up my head."

I had to force myself to distance myself, to cut off contact as much as possible. He's pretty smooth and seems so reasonable. There is a real dichotomy between the person he portrays to the world at large and the person he really is.

It was just too disorienting, because you are right, I did still love him. But it was not a healthy love.

I stopped listening to his words and just looked at his actions. Clearly, the love was not returned, but bordered on emotional abuse. I had to harden my heart and turn away completely.

What helped was that I reminded myself that we were modeling a very unhealthy relationship to our kids. They deserve far better than that. The home was already broken even while we were both living in it. It seemed like a lie to continue that kind of living.


Living one day at a time.

Mom of three

DD: September 23, 2005

Divorced April 10/08


Posts: 163 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Alberta
copingwithdoubts
♀ Member
Member # 21431
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 28th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This now has to become about me and the shitty things I am doing to myself, and not about him and the shitty things he is doing to me. The truth is the shitty things he continues to do are about him. The shitty things I continue to do to myself are about me.

I stopped listening to his words and just looked at his actions. Clearly, the love was not returned, but bordered on emotional abuse. I had to harden my heart and turn away completely.

What helped was that I reminded myself that we were modeling a very unhealthy relationship to our kids. They deserve far better than that. The home was already broken even while we were both living in it. It seemed like a lie to continue that kind of living.

Yes, yes, and yes!




Posts: 349 | Registered: Oct 2008
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 28th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bent---I had no idea he was so abusive. My SA is still abusive and it has escalated since I told him we are done. I have a good lawyer and my SA is digging his own grave with all the physical and emotional abuse. Here in IL there is no legal separation really. You just pay again to file the same for D, so I filed. During the waiting period it says, we must not be verbally, emotionally or physically abusive to the other person. I filed last August. Since then he has thrown those cans at my head, locked me out of the house, the car, contacted my friends, told me I need psychiatric help, left me at a store and told me to walk home and SO much more!

We have our money together right now so it will take a while to divide all that stuff.

I am not interested in a long term relationship. I do enjoy going to dinner with someone,concerts and just adult time away from the kids.

Sorrow, ya know what, I see the only way to break free is what you have stated. I need to get away from him, go no contact with him to get over what my heart feels.

My SA has a church image that is completely different then what he really is. I also refused to liva lie with him. He would ask me to go to church with him even when we were separated so he wouldn't have to explain why I wasn't going for a year! The kids adore him and my youngest is having a hard time, but they will be better and more stable.

We will be ok. I will be happy again. We only have one life to live and each day is a gift. I refuse to surrender any more of my energy checking on him, defending myself. I will let my lawyer play hard and fast and sit back while he continues to pull apart the pieces of his future.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
bent44
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Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 28th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What helped was that I reminded myself that we were modeling a very unhealthy relationship to our kids. They deserve far better than that. The home was already broken even while we were both living in it. It seemed like a lie to continue that kind of living.

Sorrow, Thank you for sharing more of your experience. I need to read it over and over and over again.

We will be ok. I will be happy again. We only have one life to live and each day is a gift. I refuse to surrender any more of my energy checking on him, defending myself. I will let my lawyer play hard and fast and sit back while he continues to pull apart the pieces of his future.

Torn, I am so glad to hear about your plan, but so sorry you are having to deal with so much! He sounds like a real a**.

I feel very fortunate that WS signed over full custody of our daughter and released interest in our house. We were not legally married, and while these docs may not always hold up in court, both were written with the help of attorneys. Of course, my offer to loan him the money to buy a sailboat to live on helped things along. (that is one loan that will never be paid back, but worth every penny). His desire to live in fantasy land was to my advantage that day!

I tell ya what, the things we all live with and through are insane! Here's to our individual and collective strength. Bless us all.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


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