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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
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Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, May 11th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina:.

I too used to want someone to take care of me. Through therapy I recognize that this wish is that of a child- my inner child, who because of FOO issues, loudly demands to be cared for. What I do is reach into myself and tell my inner little girl that the grown-up me *is* taking care of her. It's just taking time & she needs to be patient.

My counselor has me conjure up memories of how my mother comforted me as a child. Visualizing this helps to calm me down. He also says that since she did that, she taught me how to do it and that I can comfort the child in me. We worked on some visualization exercises so that I can call up the comforting feelings when I need them, and it does help me, mostly for stress.


Kicked in the Gut

My SAWH was a bit stunned at the number of highly educated people at the SAA meetings. He said almost everyone there was college educated - some of them highly. If you think about it, it takes some keen intelligence to successfully hide the secret life of an SA.

I heard this from a CSAT, too, that so many of her clients are very intelligent. I wondered at this as well, and I think you are probably right that it takes a lot to be able to hide it.

I've been trying to catch up with reading here. Sometimes it makes me so sad to read about us all. So much pain. My situation hasn't changed much. I'm getting by, little by little.

I'm currently trying to balance the "living one day at a time" with goal setting to get things done that need to be done. I feel like I am getting healthier, but it is so slow.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
Mama_of_3_Kids
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Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, May 11th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question about movies. Example: we are watching, "A Man Apart". It has some nudity in it. How do you handle things like that? Do3K fast forwarded through the nudity part. But, I am just curious as to what others do/have done when it comes to these kinds of scenes in movies. I don't know if it is triggery for a SA or not. Help please


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11468 | Registered: Dec 2009
TooManyYears
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Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, May 11th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mo3K,

First of all, my H is in recovery. He sees a CSAT, is in a CSAT led therapy group, goes to 12 step, and is also working on other recovery activities. Early in recovery he defined his inner circle and middle circle behaviors. Inner circle behaviors include all forms of acting out, such as involvement with others, porn and masturbation, and scanning. His middle circle behaviors are those that lead to the slippery slope. I can't recite them all off the top of my head (but I have seen his diagram) and this does include watching movies and shows with any sort of nudity or sexual themes. We do not watch any R rated movies at all anymore, and for the most part, any PG13 either. It also severely limits what we watch as far as television, too. To fill these gaps, he reads recovery books or engages in healthy activities such as going for a walk or bike ride or meeting up with a recovery friend for coffee.

When a SA enters recovery, their whole life has to change. It is not easy. Recovery is all encompassing, and in the beginning it takes a lot of energy to sustain those efforts. My H still (19 months out) spends 5-10 hours a week on recovery activities. Recovery is not business as usual, and that includes all the little things like our viewing choices and what we do with our free time.

Has your WH made any progress on finding a CSAT or seeking out a 12 step group? Have you read any of the books that 7 mentions on the first page of the thread? Are you looking for an IC for yourself?

ScaredyKat summed it up perfectly on the last page:

1) CSAT
2) 12 step program for you and SA
3) Read and educate yourself
4) take care of yourself and any children
5) Forgive yourself for not knowing. You were a loving and faithful spouse.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, May 11th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mama-
It depends on the addict.

My husband wasn't triggered by nudity. We've watched the Sopranos and the Tudors and my husband hasn't been triggered.

Penn and Teller did an episode of "bullsh*t" on porn and my husband didn't watch it.

However, when I am triggered, he will look directly at me, averting his eyes from what's on the screen.

To me, this falls under my husband's responsibility to manage his addiction.

That said, my experience with SA and my husband's addiction really isn't the norm. For example, my husband didn't have any trauma in his life. He also used porn for nearly 20 years, and it never escalated to anything beyond porn. He's also not slipped or relapsed, and we're at 4+ years out.

ETA: We've also gone to a shop looking for some accessories together. My husband was very upfront with his CSAT about it, and his CSAT had no problems with this.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 10:16 PM, May 11th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
Mama_of_3_Kids
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Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, May 12th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We don't watch much TV or very many movies. It just so happened that we had about half an hour last night of nothing before bed.

Has your WH made any progress on finding a CSAT or seeking out a 12 step group? Have you read any of the books that 7 mentions on the first page of the thread? Are you looking for an IC for yourself?

We are both doing the assignments on RecoveryNation. He has not pursued the CSAT yet. I know part of it is because the closest one is an hour away. With gas being $4.17/gallon, one concern for him is gas expense. I am looking for an IC for myself. Now that I am done with college for the semester, I will have more time to read and plan on looking into the books

Do3K does look away from the TV or fast forward through the "sexual" or nude parts of movies and TV shows. I don't know if this is because it is triggery for him or if it is because he knows it bothers me...so, that is one thing we are going to have to talk about.

Thank you for your comments I was just wondering what the best way to go about this subject


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11468 | Registered: Dec 2009
mangledmom
♀ Member
Member # 31622
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, May 13th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there, I am new to the SA world, but his IC has made it definite, he is an SA to some degree. Now they are working on "how deep" he is.

We have been together for 10yr, married 7, and we have had no real issues until Nov.10, when A#1 started. It was short lived, and it was all sexting with a co-worker. I caught on, they stopped, she quit, he BSO went to the place threatening to kill WH while whore #1 sat in the car talking to me! I was devastated, but he promised to never do it again, it got outta hand, yada, yada. Well, 3days later, he and whore #2, also a co-worker, but also a neighbor we never talked to, started their A. This one lasted less than 30days, had 3 seperate meetup and makeout sessions, ILYs, lots of nudes sent from him and some from her, and it was also met with a bunch of "I don't have feelings for you," "I want a D,""she makes me happy and everyone better get over it," etc. He was kicked out for a week, but came home. I didn't like the way he ended things, so I knew it wasn't done. Sure enough, I caught an ILY text from here, I laid it out, aka US or your whore, and actually got told he wasn't giving her up, but within 2 seconds of seeing I was gone, it was over. There has been 0 contact since Feb.1, but I have talked to her and her BS since.

WH lied, even after caught, that it was only an EA, he thought he loved her until he found out she had multiple OTHER A's, and only admitted the physical aspects AFTER her and her BH told me(DD#2). He still tried lying then though. I accidently found out he was saying ILY (that was DD#3). I have been told by her and him there was sex, but come on, he has lied SO much!!!! I do know they were planning it the day I caught them again, but it was cancelled because her BH was home. He said she only talked about them having sex AFTER he was back home.

So, I had a 4th DD over the weekend. I found a hotel reservation in his emails that he thought were deleted. He stayed there the Friday after I kicked him out back in Jan before I even knew there was a whore #2. Anyways, I noticed last week, that the date it was made was Jan 13....8days BEFORE he was kicked out. Immediately, he was confronted. Of course he LIED still, but after 3days confessed he set it up 8days earlier. This led to the next HUGE confession, the reason behind the 2nd A.....he had a scary, dark fantasy he wanted to enact. (could've been jailtime here!!!)He didn't want to hurt me, so there she was, willing to be an AP. She had no clue about the room, and even per verification w/her BH, she wasn't there. He said he couldn't do it, so he never called her. He said he KNOWS she wouldn't have done it, but said he was so deep, he didn't give 2 shits!(hence possible jailtime!) He told his IC, and his IC said he is incredibly lucky because had even the whore played along, she obviously isn't all there (proof w/ILYs after 2wks, so she could have despised him that fast), so he could have really gotten caught up in a bad way. SCARY!!!! Luckily, he says because I refused to give up on him, he snapped out of it, almost too late. I actually almost feel sorry that she was so "in love" and had no clue what she might have been up against. I kinda believe that maybe no sex occured because he said he was too scared to really go through with the fantasy, but WHO KNOWS!

He has now had his life threatened by 2 different men. Whore #2's BH actually swerved at our car and went in the exit once and drives by occasionally. She hides when she sees me coming. LOL! He lost his job because whore #2, a "good employee," quit as a direct result of their affair and another lady came forward that WH was showing inappropriate pics at work (one of MY nipple rings and one of him just out of the shower in a towel of his tattoo even though he has 48394384 others). I know there was ANOTHER girl he was talking alot about sex with because he and I had already had issues about that. And, to show his quick escalation...he was only there 3/4mnths in total!!!!! It's like he got there, and I no longer knew him. He walked out on me 3+times with all that ILYBINILWY BS.

Background: He has looked at porn and masturbated forever. He is inadvertantly always flirty and is always with the ladies, whether it be the church ladies, the grandmas, the aunts, my sisters and mom, etc, rarely does he strike up anything with men. I had a M/C in Sept 09. He told me to get over it, I resented and pushed him away, he escalated in the porn. I got pregnant, it was rough, no sex, and they said she'd have down syndrome IF she made it (she was born with clubfeet, but is perfect in every way!). He withdrew majorly from me, again I resented him, and the porn escalated. He was masterbating 2-3x's/day, and looking at porn in the bathroom 30+mins at a time, a few times a day at work, till his feet were numb. He was also trolling CL personals. I had no clue of the depth or even SA.

So, here I am. He is extremely remorseful, in IC, and we are in MC. I am told they have a difficult time w/full disclosure at once, so I am praying that was it. Ok, so, what now?! Can I truely believe the A's were more about fantasy than emotional whatever? Can I truely believe that all the BS about not loving me or caring or the want for a divorce and asking me to date her was actually about shame and pushing me away because of it? Do their fantasies really get so outta control that they are that gone? How will I know if they return?

This is all so new and overwhelming at times. ALL I want is true emotional and physical intimacy with him! Can we talk about sexual fantasies or is that sorta off limits? I wanted to have some boudoir photos done, plus some topless photos once I have my tummy tuck (6-1year from now), are they safe to give him since porn is a huge no no? (this is ONLY if we are well on our way to recovery. we are talking at least 1.5-2yrs) Is going into a novelty sex store ok? How can I NOT enable him, but still enjoy sexually?


BS-30

Traumatized, but I'm headed forward towards the light.

I wish you enough ....


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: mangledmom
TooManyYears
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Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 13th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mangledmom,

WHOA! Back up. You are putting the cart before the horse here!

This is all so new and overwhelming at times. ALL I want is true emotional and physical intimacy with him! Can we talk about sexual fantasies or is that sorta off limits? I wanted to have some boudoir photos done, plus some topless photos once I have my tummy tuck (6-1year from now), are they safe to give him since porn is a huge no no? (this is ONLY if we are well on our way to recovery. we are talking at least 1.5-2yrs) Is going into a novelty sex store ok? How can I NOT enable him, but still enjoy sexually?

First of all, on page 1 of this thread is 7's excellent set of resources for the newcomer to the world of SA. You sound like you really need to educate yourself on SA. There are not degrees of SA. There are degrees of acting out, but your WH is either a SA or not. Is his IC a CSAT? If not, time to start over. SA's need to be diagnosed and treated by a CSAT. Regular IC, even so called "addiction specialists" cannot effectively treat SA. My H tried several through the years. Full disclosure should also be facilitated by the CSAT, when your WH is further along in recovery. Your WH should also be looking into 12 step groups for accountability and to gain a sponsor. Working the steps is important in addiction recovery.

Secondly, there is usually a contractually agreed upon 90 day celibacy period for the SA (including with their spouse) to detox from sex at the beginning of the treatment program. The SA is going to have to get all the porn images out of their head and rewire the circuits. Otherwise they cannot relearn the skills required to have sexual intimacy with another person.

You sound like you do not understand SA very well. I suggest reading and learning. As the spouse of a SA, competing with his addiction by perfecting yourself (tummy tuck), taking boudoir photos, going to a novelty store, etc. is NOT going to bring about healthy intimacy between the two of you. Health intimacy is a long and slow process that is obtained through work in recovery. Recovery for him (if he really wants it), and recovery for YOU which includes your own counseling, 12 step, and work.

Good luck as you are beginning your journey. Once again, right now you need to really educate yourself about SA, bottom lines, and boundaries.

ETA: Concerning the topic of sexual enjoyment, this was an area that I felt very bitter about for a long time. My H had spent so many years neglecting me. There were years where we would have sex 2x per year, and only because I forced the issue. His acting out was always more important, and I felt like the celibacy period and the fact that we had to slowly build a sexual relationship once we were into recovery was so unfair. I still felt that way even a few months ago. I pouted to the CSAT one day about how it is so unfair that I have never been allowed to have sexual needs in our relationship. My CSAT, while validating those feelings, felt that there were other areas that I needed to work on. As usual, how right he was.

My H and I have been slowly rebuilding sexual intimacy into our lives. I wouldn't say that we have an exciting sex life by any means; 2 or 3 times a month we are sexually intimate. But that is a number. We are so much more intimate that it is a quality experience. He is present and with me. We talk about things before and after. It is safe sexuality, and mutually fulfilling. In the beginning of SA recovery, the "sex" part seems so important, but it is the "intimacy" part that needs to be the focus.

[This message edited by TooManyYears at 1:01 PM, May 13th (Friday)]


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 13th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mo3K,

While I appreciate that financially it is a sacrifice to use a CSAT, a wise member here says that it is cheaper than divorce. Our CSAT does not take insurance, so we pay out of pocket. We are spending $800 per month in therapy for the three of us that are going. No, not cheap, but so important.

Is he looking into a 12 step group locally in the meantime? I think that Recovery Nation is a good supplemental tool, but it lacks the accountability factor to replace 12 step and a CSAT. I am glad that you will have some time now to read the books on SA. I am hoping that they will give you some perspective on the problem that you are dealing with.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
mangledmom
♀ Member
Member # 31622
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 13th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will lay a couple HUGE things down first: the tummy tuck and pics are FOR ME! After I saw the destruction and discovered the muscle seperation of my belly after my oldest child's birth 6yrs ago, I decided that as a gift to ME for selflessly caring as many kids that we decided to have (3 in the end) I was getting a tummy tuck. I deserve it! The pics are something I always wanted to do as a teen, sexy and sensual, NOT sleezy, but was too scared. I want them post surgery and healing for me because I want to do the things I have always been to scared to do! So, those are for ME. IF he can get to a healthy place, he will be enjoying them, if not, he is gone, and they are mine. These are 2 things I will be doing with or without him by my side, always were my plans.

Now, I am so confused and lost quite honestly! I ask about the stores and stuff because those were things that we enjoyed, so that was more of a "way down the line" sorta question. Like, are those acceptable anymore? Also, the sexual questions were a down the line one too, I guess I fear he will end up back if I help feed the demon. So , while we do have sex still (MC said WE didn't have to stop, now I am wondering...), the fantasy, crazy stuff, aka "freakside," I refuse to allow right now because I am genuinely scared it isn't us in the bed, it is him and his fantasies. Does that make sense?

His IC isn't a CSAT, BUT the man that runs the place is a CSAT. He is one of the few that is in our state and trained with Patrick Carnes. So, all of his therapists directly work with him on SA cases. Does that make sense? Problem, or maybe the positive?, is that his IC is a former SA. He made a slip in therapy that WH and I caught, so I don't know how that feels. I know there is no degree, but we know from Patrick Carnes book, there are 3 levels though, but by his description, WH is only a #1. Does that make sense?

He is not is SAA, but at counseling, I want to figure out a way to make it clear that this is a MUST (I am co-dependent!!! Yeah!). I think he is truly terrified, so I think he wants the help, I just think it is just overwhelming for him, so I hope his IC gives good guidance.


BS-30

Traumatized, but I'm headed forward towards the light.

I wish you enough ....


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: mangledmom
mangledmom
♀ Member
Member # 31622
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, May 13th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, my biggest question is, could a fantasy that got outta control in HIS mind really be the drive behind his A's rather than more emotional reasons?


BS-30

Traumatized, but I'm headed forward towards the light.

I wish you enough ....


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: mangledmom
mangledmom
♀ Member
Member # 31622
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, May 13th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for crazy posting, but OMG something HUGE just happened!!! I was talking to WH and told him about the 90 days celibacy to "detox" is usually an agreement. He looked at me and said he'd go 90days RIGHT NOW!!!! He gave up the porn and has only masterbated once since February when he got caught the second time, plus some other things, but now SEX! He said he wanted to not only truly detox, but to show he is committed to this marriage and geting healthy! I am so happy.

Now, how can I remain a SUPPORT and not the drive (codependent side that will want to fix)?


BS-30

Traumatized, but I'm headed forward towards the light.

I wish you enough ....


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: mangledmom
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 13th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi mangledmom. I hear you on the frantic feelings, I still get them too. My story's in my profile & 7's story is in hers if you want to read. I too recommend buying all of the books she advises reading (see p.1 of this thread). If you want to be a support to your SAWH, a good start would be to attend a 12 step meeting for yourself. COSA or S-Anon are good, although if they're not available where you are try Al-anon. Different addiction, similar path to healing. I hope your SAWH's IC is credentialed at the highest level possible. Addiction is a tough nut to crack & very qualified help is necessary for true healing. Before you & your SAWH dive headlong into a celibacy attempt, please speak to his IC first. It's a very complicated issue & has serious implications for his future & your M.

Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder. The SA uses sex or sex-related activity to suppress their feelings. It's a coping mechanism. He isn't a sex addict because he loves sex- he's using sex to hide his feelings, his brokenness. True emotional connection with a committed partner is very hard for a sex addict to achieve and maintain even with regular, long term therapy, meeting attendance & vigilant help. As with all addictions, relapses & slips are extremely common.

I'm not saying any of this to scare you. Truly. I'm merely repeating what I've learned & read. The addiction is all about *HIM* and has nothing to do with you individually, your sex life, your past, your body, etc. Inevitably, the addiction profoundly affects the spouse: self-esteem, body image, self concept, relationships with addict & others, everything. I highly recommend doing the partner's program at recoverynation.com. It's free & it works well to help the spouse see the forest for the trees, so to speak. IC for you is also tremendously helpful.

What else? The best tool I've learned are detachment; also called the 180 here on SI- link is in the Library (upper left) under BS FAQS. Setting boundaries & enforcing consequences are crucial for your healing & growth & for him to experience too. Post on SI often. Sometimes this thread is really slow, but you can always PM people (myself included). I'm most often up in general, but I make sure to check down here often.

Welcome. You're sure to find healing & help here.

~ Sabina

edited to finish writing my post, I hit send too soon!

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 6:40 PM, May 13th (Friday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
mangledmom
♀ Member
Member # 31622
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, May 13th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So will we ever have a truly meaningful, fulfilling relationship and life, even w/ help???


BS-30

Traumatized, but I'm headed forward towards the light.

I wish you enough ....


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: mangledmom
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely, you can have a fulfilling relationship. 7 & her FWH are still together. I think TMY & her FWH are still together. It's definitely possible to build a healthy, emotionally open relationship with a SAWH. It's up to *him* to do the hard work & overcome his addiction, that's all. It isn't easy & you'll both struggle. But it can be done.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
mangledmom
♀ Member
Member # 31622
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whew, I have some hope!!! I was really hopeless last night and kinda devastated. I did tell him saa is a must and he agrees to start looking for one. I think the want and desire to kill the addict in a sense is there, the real test will be whether or not he has the engine in himself, the motivation, to get it done.

I have one line in the sand that is clear and definite, if he backside w/ another human being, we are done. Now the porn and masturbation, I am working to find clear boundaries and consequences.


BS-30

Traumatized, but I'm headed forward towards the light.

I wish you enough ....


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: mangledmom
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 14th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi MM~ the boundaries & consequences things are new for me & difficult in some ways. I too have some bright lines, although many of them relate to how my SA treats *me* as opposed to what he *does* in terms of the SA. I'm glad you're finding support here, living with an addict surely means each of us needs as many support systems we can find.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
momoffive
♀ Member
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, May 15th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really triggering here of late about SAWH A with OW.

I was listening to the radio yesterday morning while driving and this woman started speaking. Apparently a betrayed wife "confronted" her on air yesterday and I got to hear the OW.

Let's see... selfish, arrogant, disgusting. Those words about sum this pathetic excuse of a woman up. She actually had the nerve to say the BS can have the WH live with her. She can do the cooking and cleaning for him because she has the fun side of WH, and that WH and she are having so much fun.

Boy, did that trigger me. WH told the whore that he wasn't going to leave me but that he would have sex with her. So WH wanted to keep me for the cooking, cleaning, and washing of his clothes, but was going to have the fun and excitement with whoreface.

It really triggered me, because it dawned on me that I was the lucky one to wash his underwear that had WH and the whores leftover fluids on it. I don't know if I want to cry or scream about being so pissed that he had the f!@#ing nerve to expect me to pick up and wash his A-dirty underwear. (I was clueless to A at this time)

And then when I got to my daughters dorm room to help her move back home, the family pictures she has framed are from the summer of his A. As I carried it out to my car, I looked at how innocent I looked, cause I had no clue what was going on, and really looked at WH and thought... wow there his is... the lying and cheating husband that I thought loved me.

I know that being a SA "changes" everything... OW was just another tool to his addiction, blah, blah, blah, it still hurts me though, putting SA aside, I question myself if I'll ever be able to get past him having sex with her or if it will be the death of our M.

I have so much hurt and anger right now... I think because mentally I know graduation and
baccalaureate is looming and I'm STRESSING about it because OW will be there. OW daughter is in the same graduating class as our son. I've been quick to cry, quick to anger and I'm sure this is the reason.

When I told SAWH about the triggers I had, all he had to say was "I'm sorry you had triggers". Wow. That was it.
............................................................
Next...
SAWH told me that this week he's starting his 90 day celibacy.

I guess I wonder after 90 days then what? The way I'm feeling right now with the hurt and anger overwhelming me, I think so after 90 days, he'll be back to being sexually aggressive with me even more, he'll masturbate like he's always done, that this will just be a "hard time off".

Boy, as I type all of this, I do sound bitchy and pessimistic.

I really am dreading being in the same room as OW.

[This message edited by momoffive at 7:40 AM, May 15th (Sunday)]


BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 18
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 15th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to introduce myself: I've been on this board since D-day 2007, but this is my first journey into the SA thread, following a subsequent D-day in 2010 and WH's SA diagnosis.

WH and I have been in SAA and COSA, respectively for six months. Prior to that, I have had lots of therapy and Al-Anon, which have been helpful - so has lurking on this thread!

I wanted to ask a question: We are starting to have sex again and WH cannot, for the life of him, maintain an errection. Has anyone else had this experience? It's making me crazy. What is the cause? Is it that he is so used to funky/crazy stuff that sex in a real relationship doesn't do it for him? I'd love to hear any insight on this subject. I won't even get into how emotionally devestating this is.

Finally, Momoffive, I don't have any words of wisdom for you but wanted to let you know you have been heard and throughly understood. I am so very sorry you are going through this.

DAAT



BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

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Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, May 16th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dayatatime: We haven't had problems in that area so I can't lend advice, but I do understand how that would cause a lot of grief, questions, and emotional pain. Hopefully someone else will respond soon.

momoffive: I hear you. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around some things as well. My husband has had sex with more people after our relationship began than before. I am seriously bothered by that and not sure how to "handle" it in my head so it doesn't eat at me. I also know that it is because of SA, but I still take it personally. How do you NOT take it personally? I wish someone could let me know.


Me: 28, BW
Him: 32, WH, Sex Addict
3 kids: 13 DD (his), 4 DD (ours), 2 DS (ours)

Married 8 years.

Hubs is firm in recovery from SA and is like a new man and husband. We are happily reconciling and making great progress...nope, ass is back


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Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, May 16th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

day,

We are starting to have sex again and WH cannot, for the life of him, maintain an errection. Has anyone else had this experience? It's making me crazy. What is the cause? Is it that he is so used to funky/crazy stuff that sex in a real relationship doesn't do it for him? I'd love to hear any insight on this subject.

I don't trust my WS to have sex with him right now, but in the past, before I knew he was cheating, he did have problems with erections. Some of it was guilt, he says. I think also there were times when me being there interfered with what was going on in his head. I think that his porn use progressed to the point where that's what turned him on, and real life didn't. All this is guess-work, though. He lies so much, I don't know. He also may be low in testosterone.

I know I've read in many places where loss of erection is an issue with SA's. Sorry I'm not more help.


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