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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts 6
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 4:13 AM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sabina)))

I too feel like my WH isn't doing enough. I recently began to wonder if he's fallen out of love with me, although he would likely deny this. He has grown accustomed to and comfortable with the of the lifestyle our marriage affords him. He doesn't want to leave me because of the utility I provide as a wife and mother.

It has taken me two years to gain this perspective. It was a bitter pill to swallow. So when he does show up for me, I am in wonder. And I realize it makes sense all those times when he doesn't show up, given his feelings.

My question is, will he fall back in love with me at some point? Anyone else ever feel this way?


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. You guys are amazing. You are making me tear up.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. I would say you have no idea how awful I have felt, but sadly I know you do. I have scraped myself up off the asphalt over and over. This one woman said to me that most people in my situation would be curled up in the fetal position. I think that applies to all who are here. We are learning, reaching out, crying, sharing, helping each other. We are all doing great...considering.

{{{{ }}}}

Thank you.


Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2010
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
What?  Posted: 11:41 AM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ twokiids~

I hear where you are. I'm trying really hard not to be bitter. Some days I can do that and some days I can't. I especially identify with this:

. So when he does show up for me, I am in wonder. And I realize it makes sense all those times when he doesn't show up, given his feelings.

My SA is emotionally present for me only intermittently. It has taken me nearly a year to realize that he is incapable/unwilling to do more than that. I'm only 42, I don't want to live in an emotionally empty and destructive relationship for the rest of my life. A small part of me still wishes and hopes that SA will magically become mentally whole and healthy today, tonight, soon. But I know that won't happen.

My question is, will he fall back in love with me at some point?


Perhaps your SA loves you as much as he is able? I believe my SA loves me as much as he can. However, it's unhealthy & unfulfilling & destructive to me. I'm still trying to make peace with this.

Anyone else ever feel this way?

Yes, I've felt that way. You are among sisters, really, I hear your words & your feelings in my heart and I recognize them as similar to my own.

@ compartmented~

You're so very welcome!

~ Sabina

Edited to fix formatting

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 11:43 AM, April 1st (Friday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have all given me so much support and I am truly grateful!

I have all the same questions. Will he love me again? Is he doing things for me out of guilt.

I just know,you guys are the best!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question, did you guys tell your kids about SAWH? I have all the books by my night stand and my kids read the titles. Is this bad?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids weren't able to read at d-day. One was 2 and the other wasn't quite conceived. So, we didn't tell the kids.

That said, we will probably tell them, as part of taking care of themselves, that addiction runs in my husbands family, and that they need to be careful with anything that could be addictive, whether it's gambling, drinking, SA, whatever.

I don't know how curious/inquisitive your kids are. In your situation, I might prepare some answers ahead of time that you can memorize.

My decision would also depend on how much my kids share with other kids. We all know that SA not handled well in the media, and that it can be a very misunderstood thing.

And, in your case, how much custody your husband will have of the children will also influence my decision.

[This message edited by IRN2006 at 2:44 PM, April 1st (Friday)]


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
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Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

did you guys tell your kids about SAWH?

The book edited by Stephanie Carnes, Mending a Shattered Heart, has a section on what to tell the children. There's different advice based on age ranges, of course. It's a tough subject though. I feel I want to shelter mine from so much of it, and yet, I hear "families are only as sick as their secrets" time and again. Also, my kids have grown up in this family, so they have seen how our relationship was. Clearly there were issues, even if he did hide what he was doing.

I haven't told mine much yet. I have told them I can't talk about it yet, and they don't want to know too much yet anyway.


Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2010
bent44
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Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, April 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two kids,

My question is, will he fall back in love with me at some point? Anyone else ever feel this way?

My heart broke for you reading this. I guess many "normal" marriages could have this same issue, but something about living with an SA adds a barbed wire dimension to the question.

From what I have read, I second what Sabina said. They just don't have the capacity to love the way we need/want. It sux.

Oops, DD just woke up...gotta run.

Thinking of each and every one of you tonight.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina, Bent,

It's comforting to know you can relate to my feelings and struggle. From the heartbreaking stories on this board I understand love isn't for the faint at heart, especially when in love with a SA.

Today our marriage counselor told me my PTSD makes it hard for me to connect to the love my WH has to offer. And my WH's shame and guilt prevent him from showing me all that is in his heart. I'd like to believe it is as she says, and that the love is there, somewhere.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today our marriage counselor told me my PTSD makes it hard for me to connect to the love my WH has to offer. And my WH's shame and guilt prevent him from showing me all that is in his heart. I'd like to believe it is as she says, and that the love is there, somewhere.

twokids,

Your MC sounds a lot like my MC. It does give me hope that there is some love underneath all of the addiction, but I fear the amount of work ahead for WS. I've got plenty of my own work to do, but at least I am not in denial about it all.

It's heartbreaking, for sure. I'm stuck wondering if my WS ever did love me, or if it's all been a charade the whole time.

I guess I do feel like if he does work on his addictions, then there could be something strong between us on the other side. I'm just not optimistic right now.


Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2010
torn2bits
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Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your posts on the kids. I have that book "Mending a ....". I read about what to tell them, but wanted to see where real life people come in.

I have all the same feelings about SAWH's love and denial. Last nite we had MC. I found out he is basically still messing/sexting the OW. Its been almost 2 years now. He also said I was addicted, he didn't start this, etc. He is in complete denial.

What I said was I can't live and pretend like he is not doing anything. He says "you have no faith in me". Arghhh! Everything in his eyes is my fault.

We expressed our deepest love for each other, but he was rageful when I bring up PA details and denies.

I had to explain that if he doesn't tell me, he is putting my life in danger. She IS a prostitute. I said it was over.

The MC said sleep on it and if either of us change our mind to call. He won't tell and I won't live with him while he is still cheating on me.

He still lies about regular stuff. He deleted pics from my BB when he was fixing it and he said it was not him.
He accused me of cheating and messaging someone.

I am hurting very bad because we do love each other deeply. As 7 yrs has stated here, it doesn't matter. He is putting my life in danger by continuing to keep things from me. I would rather be alone then to live a lie.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Torn2bits,

Last nite we had MC. I found out he is basically still messing/sexting the OW.

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you! Did you find out because he said so?

The nerve of these guys just makes me want to puke.

I had to explain that if he doesn't tell me, he is putting my life in danger. She IS a prostitute. I said it was over.

Please tell me you are protecting yourself from diseases. That we have to protect our hearts AND our bodies when dealing with these guys blows my mind.

he didn't start this, etc.

What is the "this" he is referring to? I am having a vision of a child on a playground..."But he started it". I would really love to hear how he could possibly justify this statement. I know blameshifting and rationalizing are part and parcel of their MO, but this really takes the cake.

I would rather be alone then to live a lie.

Well, at least one of you has their head screwed on straight. I know this statement probably kills your heart, and I applaud your strength in stating it.

You are in my heart this morning. Sending you tons of hugs. Please keep us posted on how you are doing today.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a moment-

So, last night WS says to me "I love you"...

With all of the determination I could muster, I did not say, "Lemme guess...April Fools?"

How have I gotten to the point in life that I think/feel this way? It really is so sad.

[This message edited by bent44 at 10:38 PM, April 2nd (Saturday)]


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Torn2bits,

I have a question, did you guys tell your kids about SAWH?

Sorry for the late reply. This is such a hard one. My DD is only 4.5 yo. What she knows now is that Daddy has a problem with his heart that he needs to work on, and he is going to doctors to help him, and that he cannot live with us until he gets if fixed. We have been very clear that he is not dying (although given his behaviors, I am not sure we should have said this.) WS has been very honest with her, saying that he does want to get better, but that sometimes things like this can't be fixed.

She has seen me cry and asked why. I have told her that the problems with Daddy's heart sometimes make mommy's heart hurt too. I always assure her that I will be ok. And, sweet soul that she is, she gives me a hug. While I do my best to keep it together, I don't believe in trying to hide everything- they are way too smart for that. That, and I think seeing us deal with sadness in a healthy way is a good thing in the long run...or at least better than seeing us bottle it all up.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bent: thank you so very much! I am miserable and really hurting today. When we were getting on the elevator after MC SAWH said, so think about it. He doesn't want a D.

He meant that he did not start the process of us splitting, arguing and divorce. I said you started this mess. They do, they do just rationilize, blame the BS and lie about everything.

At MC I told him I invited "her" back to our yahoo. The OW's avatar has been showing up on our yahoo for the last year. I confronted him and he said it was MY friend from our kids' school. Well, in MC last nite I said I invited her back and he said which email did you use and messaging is ok.

I have hopes that he will see the damage this will do to our kids and the Destruction of our family. I had nothing to say but I want you to be happy and its over. I love you and never wanted to be here.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
brokenk
♀ Member
Member # 30193
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bent44
I just wanted to tell you I am feeling you right now. My SAWH is getting the help he needs and working on healing and I feel like I have to step out of his life for a bit in regards to the A's and that part of our life. It sucks because I still trigger and have questions but when I ask him he gets upset because he doesn't even have enough time to complete everything his SA sponsor and his workshop wants him too. I know they say for now I cannot rely on him to support or help me through this because he has to heal as well. But I have no one else to talk to. Friends just say get away, or leave him be or just out right leave him. they don't understand the pain and struggle we both go through daily.

I've never really felt so alone in anything my entire life! I want to throw a fit and scream and yell and get my way. But I can't, I just can't. Patience is running dry and I am just struggling lately.


Me(32)- BW
Him(36)-WH Evilgeek
1st Dday 11/20/09
2nd Dday 11/20/10
Successfully R`ed.
Found out we are Pregnant 12/6/2010

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln


Posts: 568 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: California
Tal
♀ Member
Member # 3300
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone heard from 7?

She said she was feeling sick--but then dissappeared...


Posts: 2145 | Registered: Jan 2004
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenK- thank you for the reach out- I wish I could say it feels good to not be so alone with these feelings, but that just doesn't seem right. I wish none of us were here.

I've never really felt so alone in anything my entire life! I want to throw a fit and scream and yell and get my way. But I can't, I just can't. Patience is running dry and I am just struggling lately.

I so feel you here, especailly the part about throwing a fit. It does not seem fair that they get to act like children, and we're supposed to stay strong. I REALLY wish there was something I could say to help us both right now.

The only thing that has helped me lately is remembering to stay in my head, and not my heart, when I am interacting with him. Well, that and journaling and counseling and friends and....all of it.

A friend recommended breaking dishes, but BTDT. I always feel like a fool cleaning it all up afterwards. Bet I could start a business for all BS's out there. I could bring the dishes, offer encouragement and pitching tips, then clean up the mess. I could call it "Break Away".

I hope this doesn't offend anyone- sometimes I just need a little fantasy to let off steam.

Wishing everyone a chocolate chip cookie moment tonight!


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
cheetabump
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Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

I was wondering about 7 as well. I sent her a PM a few wks ago and haven't heard anything.

I hope all is well.


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
bent44
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, April 2nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondering about 7 too! Is she out there on any other threads?


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
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