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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, March 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Polly - Welcome to our corner of the world. So sorry that you have to join this group but you won't find any better support than what you find on these pages. Everyone here is so caring and thoughtful in what they say. When the people in my life aren't there for me, the Tribe is.

I'm trying to get totally to the point where I accept that he is never going to be there, emotionally, for me. That he's capable of it, but not willing to face his own demons to do so.
This is true in my sich as well. It is almost 9 mos. since my DDay and my FWH is still so emotionally constipated I can hardly stand to be in the same room with him. He is seeing an IC, as am I, and we are also seeing a MC. (Yep....lots of $$ being thrown at this problem.) All three seem to agree that FWH doesn't know how to FEEL emotions. He is a first-class compartmentalizer and despite all the talking we've done and hours and dollars spent, he still doesn't see that he continues to comparmentalize. IN my case, I have taken Miracle's advice and I am taking the path of least regret. I agreed to at least 12 sessions with the current MC and we have completed 8. I will live up to my end of the bargain, lest I be accused of "not trying" to R. (Common response from FWH whenever I say something he doesn't like.) But - every day my feelings for FWH become more distant. Now I just need to gather the courage to do what must be done. I'm not quite there yet but getting closer every day.

Nel -

I was feeling happy but your unhappiness has hurt my feelings and now I feel unhappy.
I'm dying here because this is almost word for word what FWH is saying to me!! His feelings are "hurt" because I'm still so unhappy and not seeing everything that he's done to make me happy. Truth! I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!

Laura - You are my hero!! Way to go!!

m3 - Happy Belated Birthday to Baby Paddy!! Hope she got to eat all the pink flowers off her cake! (Those were my favorites!)


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, March 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"...it was his formula that gave the cereal super-strength; he sets off to the lab to get it, taking the Dean's beautiful but slow vintage car. When he finally gets there, he is confronted by Mrs. Stongish and ten of her goons."
Thanks Tryn!! I've been reading through pages and pages of posts and when I got to the movie posters I had convinced myself that it would be impossible to find one for me!! But clearly I underestimated your talent! (BTW - you all know that "goons" is just a fancy word for "tribe", right?)

Miracle -

turns out i never loved the real pfm, because i didn't know him....i loved who i thought he was, who i thought he could be and should be....but not him....the real him.....
Yep - got that T-shirt....

The difference in my case is that she is doing the work to expose the true her to both me and herself.
ats - You are spot on. Your FWW is working so hard on herself. I admire that she is willing to do the hard, hard work that it is taking to find out who she really is. I'm betting that underneath all that pain she is a remarkable woman. I hope she gets to the point that she can love herself as much as you love her.

Honest -

My neighbor has been supporting her 5 kids on her own forever. Bought her own house, etc. She keeps telling me that no one is really happy in thier marriages and look at WH's visits as "my job". Act nice for his visits, do not make love to him, be cordial, and then I'm free until the next time.
I respectfully disagree. Your M should be a place of peace and contentment. You would leave a job that you hated, why should you stay in a M that makes you unhappy all the time he is around?? That's just nuts! I know I'm late chiming in, but I do hope you're taking care of youself while Mr. Dishonest is here.

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, March 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

welcome home strong...

and i think you get the award for speed reading...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, March 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Indeed!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, March 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your FWW is working so hard on herself. I admire that she is willing to do the hard, hard work that it is taking to find out who she really is. I'm betting that underneath all that pain she is a remarkable woman. I hope she gets to the point that she can love herself as much as you love her.

Thank you strongish, I needed a boost tonight. I keep finding crap in my marshmallows and lollipops.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

FWH is away for a few days. He has gone to visit his nephew who had the kidney transplant. So I am home alone - just me and my faithful old dog.

I need to think out loud so I suppose the tribe gets it tonight.

Everything is going well. He is so attentive and thoughtful, remorseful, tells me constantly that he is sorry and will spend the rest of his life trying to make me happy. He calls me often when he is at work. I always know where he is. He buys me flowers and gifts. He has cried when I have been upset. We go out together weekly and the sex is good. I haven't worn my rings for months (he has never commented) but yesterday he referred to this in a non threatening way. I said maybe I would like some new ones. He said I can understand that. He then suggested that maybe we should get "Married" again. We then discussed renewing our vows next year. It's our 30th anniversary at the end of Oct 2012.

I told him I had been looking at EMDR and explained it to him. The closest practitioner is 200 miles+ away (but near where the kids live). He said I should try it if I thought it would help and that he would come with me when he could (when he wasn't working).

We have discussed lots of aspects of our future - retirement and travel plans, moving from the farm to a smaller place etc.

BUT and this is the problem. I still believe he is lying about how many OWs there were. I KNOW he seriously considered leaving me for OW3 (fog?). He says he didn't. He told me repeatedly that he screwed OW2 often at the beginning (once or twice a week) but only once every month or two for the next few years. She tells me it was twice a week for 4 years (until he started with OW3). She tells me he screwed her a half dozen times during the year he was with OW3 - he tells me only once.

(The silly bitch also said she felt so "betrayed" by this and couldn't understand why he did it!)

I think he is still lying. I had a meltdown the night before last and told him that I couldn't R without the truth. I begged him to be honest. He continued with "But I don't know. I don't remember" for every question I asked. He said if OW2 says it was twice a week for 4 yrs then it must have been. He doesn't remember!?????

I believe he is a compulsive liar. He lies to protect himself and to make himself look good. I have always known he was dishonest but could live with what I thought were "little white lies". What I need to do now is work out if I can R knowing he still hasn't been honest with me. I think that maybe I can but I'm not sure. Will it just keep eating away at me? I've told him repeatedly I just want the truth. But I think he is too afraid to tell me in case it is too much for me. I suspect it is so bad he thinks I will leave him if he comes clean.

So, the question is can I get past the belief that he will never tell me the truth about what he did and can I R without it? I would have to say he is now the ideal H in every way. Should I give up the "ideal" H because of this?? I don't want to. I think he can make me happy now. I know he wants to. Is that enough??? Can I live with the lies about the past??

Anyway, really thinking out loud here my friends but would appreciate your thoughts.

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,
I know the feeling of needing to know the 'whole' story.
I was like that.
I dug and dug for information.
Some my husband would tell me and then I also contacted so many people- MOWs husband, co-workers, friends,even my husband'a boss (he was an old friend of ours and the MOW was a co-worker).
Well, anyway, I would take the new found information to my husband and often that would make him give me even more details of the 5 yr LTA.

So, I got the story in a combination of ways.

When we were separated for 6 months right after d-day,that was when my husband was the most motivated to spill the beans.
He was extremely remorseful and very focused on saving the marriage and would often answer the most embarassing, intimate questions that I asked.
He even gave me a timeline of the 5 yr LTA.
Dates, what happened (sexually) and where.

You see because the affair was so work related almost all of the encounters were work related-at conferences, training sessions, etc. and those happened every year at around the same time-for ex. a 5 day conference every winter.
So, it was a bit easier for him to try to piece together the timeline.

Was it helpful for me?
yes
Was it extremely painful to see it all in black and white?
yes

I also got a lot of information from the MOWs husband- he gave me copies of very graphic emails that spanned a number of years.

That also helped me to piece together the story.

Now...as to his saying that he can't remember.
Some of that excuse may be true.
My husband was drinking heavily during the affair years and definitely drinking during the time he spent with the MOW because she is an alcoholic and drinking buddy.
So, I do believe that his memory is not great for that time period.
Then, when you are doing something that deep down you know is wrong and you feel guilty about-you try to block that out of your mind as well. So, that can account for some of the memory loss.
And finally,some of it may be the fact that he istrying to spare you more hurt.

But, you need to explain to him that the sooner that he tells you all of the graphic details ,just gets it over as opposed to trickle truth...the sooner you can begin to really heal from this betrayal.

And so will he.

Its a matter of ripping off that Bandaid in one quick jerk as opposed to the slow agony of pulling it off slowly.

The WS have spent their whole lives lying and being untruthful and keeping things inside so they don't realize how wonderfully freeing telling the truth will be.

The truth will set you free.

It was true for us.

I even believe that telling my family and friends about the LTA was freeing and for us was the right thing to do.

It forced my husband to hit bottom even quicker when he realized that everyone knew how far he had fallen.

In the past when I covered up for his drinking exploits with his buddies etc.,( I never told his parents, my parents or children how bad things could get.)But this time I vowed-no more secrets!

That this time it was not going to happen that way.

I was tired of keeping secrets.

And, I can't begin to tell you how that decision has worked out so well for us.

My husand apologized to our children and other family members for the hurt he caused me.

My children have grown closer to each other and to us during this ordeal and have grown to love, accept, and appreciate their father again.
They see all of the positive changes he has made in his life and see how well he treats me now.
They are proud of his sobriety and the fact that he continues to go to AA for support.

I think it was a life lesson for them...that a marriage can survive a real trial.

Laura, I also want to recommend that you do get new rings and honor that in some way! It really worked to help me in the healing process.
My husband moved back hom on our 30th wedding anniversary. I decided that I needed a brand new memory to try to reclaim that date! So, we had a smal recomittment ceremony in a minister's office, exchanged the new rings, and left for an overnight stay at a romantic B&B.
Whenever I think of my anniversary I think of that day now. I do not think of the years we lost.
So, I say go for it.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:39 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks NJgal

I agree with all you have said. Have tried to explain to him repeatedly how important the truth is. The fact is I really do think it is so bad he thinks I can't deal with it. Maybe he is right. I keep wondering what if there were dozens? Who knows? I found out about 3 over 16 yrs but have strong suspicions about another 22 yrs ago. If I learnt about 4 after all this time I believe it is highly likely I missed others. And let's face it - he overlapped OW2 and OW3. Perhaps because he knows the truth is so horrifying he can't even start with the basics - the ones I know about.

It's so frustrating. Everything else is so good. I really love how we get on now. I also believe that he really did love me all along - it was just his selfishness that led him to where he went. He stayed with me through all of them and dropped OW2 and OW3 like hot potatoes when I found out. I want the truth but if I keep pushing I am afraid I will damage what we have. I want to heal as quickly as possible - so maybe I need to try to let it go?

Perhaps I need to go back to OW1. He told me the "story" about his relationship with her. The only way I can verify is through her. If she tells me the same story I would be more confident. He told me this some months ago so if they colluded she would be unlikely to remember the details of the lies now.

The problem is there is no one else to ask. He was very careful, as were his women. No one else knew. OW1 divorced her H at the time (15 yrs ago), OW2 left hers - and he had no idea and still doesn't. OW3's H had no idea and is happily divorced from her.

Rambling here and thinking aloud.

Thanks for your response

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:50 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal

PS

I love your story. I love your courage, you FWH's strength and determination to change and the fact that you still come here to help us.

Thank you for being here

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning tribe.

Laura: The OW in my sitch was a coworker too, but unlike NJGal, it's almost impossible for him to remember EVERY time it happened because they saw each other about 3x/wk every week and while he denies having sex with her on each & every one of those occasions, he admits that it was at least 1x/wk and sometimes more. (Sounds a lot like every time he saw her to me...)

Anyway, I do believe that men do not think of these things the same way that we do. Especially when they are doing something wrong and don't like to think about it. Plus it wasn't important to them to remember the info at the time, kwim? So the info might well be lost, as far as the frequency. But, it's hard to believe that he doesn't remember how many other women are out there.

I pushed & pushed my H for the truth. And, while I know I don't have everything, I know I have enought. Hearing that they held hands, etc. was stuff I didn't need to know. It really made things worse & didn't serve any legit purpose.
So, ask yourself, why you want to know more. Is it because if more is discovered, you don't want to R? Something else? I don't know, but this falls squarely in the "careful what you wish for " category.

Gotta run.
Peace to all and let's hope there's a cute court officer in court this morning.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AGNG

Thanks for your thoughts

So, ask yourself, why you want to know more. Is it because if more is discovered, you don't want to R? Something else? I don't know, but this falls squarely in the "careful what you wish for " category

I wish I knew. I think I'm looking for the last step to prove he's really (as we say in OZ) "fair dinkum". I don't think anything would make me change my mind about R except another affair.

But, it's hard to believe that he doesn't remember how many other women are out there.

He swears there are none but my gut says differently or maybe it's just paranoia?

I guess I just want to get it all over with. I'm afraid that if I "let it go" and find out more later it will all come crashing down and I won't be able to handle it. eg a few weeks ago I confided in my SIL (his brother's wife) and was devastated when she told me she had heard rumours. I never expected that and it really hit me hard. I don't want that sort of thing to keep happening KWIM??

let's hope there's a cute court officer in court this morning.

Have fun today

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, if you are relying on him to tell you the truth and you have no other way to get at the truth, you have to let it go. You weren’t there. However much we patch things together, we were not there! The only people who know what went on are the two people involved at the time. Even then, their memories will be different. And he doesn’t WANT to remember. Why would he when it makes you upset and him feel like crap? The only way you will know (and then not for certain) is a polygraph. But I understand where you are coming from.

I am still waiting for FWH to tell me the truth. He hasn’t and he never will. I had TT from day one. He did a timeline, but 5yrs is a long time and he spent most of it trying to keep it all buried. It was helpful and painful at the same time. But I knew that he hadn’t told me everything. I, as Mrs Forensic Criminologist, had been snooping and digging, meeting MOW, meeting BH, comparing notes, comparing dates, comparing fucking everything. After the timeline, I decided to fill in my own, finally coming up with MY truth. And that’s it. I have it all written down as a kind of marriage history document. Every year from 1976 to 2009 with a conclusion at the end. 26 pages. He has never read it (hidden and password protected ) but the day will come when I’ll show it to him.

The most recent spanner in the works has been suspected contact between them sometime between Christmas and end of Feb. She was in Sydney in Feb, visiting her girls. What it was, I don’t know. I confronted FWH twice over it – of course he denied. Don’t know why I expected anything else.

Hugs to the rest of the tribe.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry – looks like my writing this between jobs took longer than I thought so Allgood got her post in…..

Anyway, I do believe that men do not think of these things the same way that we do. Especially when they are doing something wrong and don't like to think about it.
Yep. And FWH initially said he didn’t see MOW that often – 4 or 5 (or was it 5 or 6?) times a year. Turned out more like per month. And he said he didn’t stay consecutive nights, conveniently forgetting their twice yearly trysts of several days. And so it went on………..

You ain’t never gonna get “The Truth” hon.

Now I gotta run. >>>>>>>>>>>


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks UK

You ain’t never gonna get “The Truth” hon.

No I suppose not. I just need to decide what to do about it!!

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,
I honestly don't know what to tell you about whether to pump your FWH for more info/truths. (Big help I am, right?) I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are many, many details of my FWH's LTA that I don't know about. Frankly, at this point I don't care enough to ask. I don'd check his e-mail....it would be useless, he leaves the account open 24/7 so it is constantly downloading to his laptop and then I can't "see" it if I log in to his account. Is he hiding anything....I don't think so. But every day I care less and less. He SAYS he loves me, but he doesn't know what real love it. He doesn't show it or act it. He's a great guy on the surface, but there's no depth. He won't face to himself what he's done, so by default he can't admit or face me with what he's done. Just keeps sweeping..... (Sorry....you asked for advice on your sich, not a vent about my FWH!!)

Give yourself some time to get used to this relatively new dynamic in your M. You are rightfully cautious, but pay attention to what he's doing. Is he consistent?? I think his willingness to confront OW at the rest home where your aunt was staying says a lot about how much he is willing to do to repair your M and for you to know that you are the most important thing in his life. He showed you, in front of a lot of people, that he can and will put himself in an uncomfortable position in support of you. Does that make sense??

Don't get me wrong....I completely understand how you want the truth, the whole truth. But the sad fact is, that he really may not remember all the details. Was there another OW? What will you do if there was?? Have you told him that that would be the end for any further attempts to R? If so, than I can understand why he would be reluctant to tell you. Maybe you need to reassure him that no matter what he says you will not act rashly, or lash out at him, but take into careful consideration his current behavior and attitude. You've already learned that you can't change the past, but as his wife, you deserve to know where his head is at too.

I don't know if I helped at all. I've been kinda rambling here.

[This message edited by strongish at 7:03 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

I have to disagree, sort of.
Men do think of these things the way you women do. I think most BSs think alike. It is the WS who does not think the way you do. My WW views all of this just like all these WHs do. I don't remember and I don't know is her mantra too. She used the old line of "you know all you need to know." Maybe that is true, but I would like to be the judge of that.

I do hope there are several cute court officers in court for you Allgood.

The space key onmy computeris screwed up. I am gettingtired of going back and correcting these typos. It makes forsomeweirdreading.

Hugsto thetribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura. What would this change? Your husband was a prolific serial adulterer. I think it's safe to take everything he's said, double or triple the # of OW, add in every known sex act that he hasn't yet admitted to and TaDa!

So, it sounds to me like you believe his remorse and his amends are helpful to you but you're scared. Of course you're scared!

Now I have to quote a couple of Aussie's to you: Marlin and Dorie from Finding Nemo: Dorie " He says it's time to let go!" Marlin "How do you know nothing bad is going to happen?" Dory "I DON'T!"

If he's not getting it in some way and you think there is a hoop you could ask him to jump through that will spark that realization - then ask for more. If you think he does get it, then let go and let time and his efforts work their magic.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life can be so hard sometimes. Hey folks, I need some support and advice. I am hurting today.

My W and I just had a pretty emotional discussion. While she was getting ready for work, she ask me how I was doing? So I told her. Some hurtful things were said.

For some time now, and I have mentioned it a few times here, that my need for the love of physical touch could end our marriage.

She never initiates anything with me in a way that it has truly meant something to me deep in my soul. She has initiated, but it has always been after my request. It might compare to you saying, “I need flowers to make me feel good”. The very next day, you get flowers but that did do it. So you wait for the next time flowers come your way looking for a passion this time. The flowers never come. So, the same cycle happens again. I ask, I it comes with no real meaning to me. This has been going on for over a year now.

The feelings I have by her never initiating are not good ones. I have tried so hard to be positive about this, patient, kind about it. My issue is not the lack of sex mind you. It is my W’s lack of desire for sex. So you see, she makes the effort, but deep in her soul she is not attracted to me in a physical way. She verbal says I am good looking and she says I am attractive in so many different ways and that is what she love so much about me. Am I expecting too much to want a marriage where both are at peace with this? Is this really about sex? My meaning of love?

She says when we get going, it’s good most every time. My W has gone to the Doctor to discuss her lack of desire and her gynecologist says she is healthy. She does take birth control and that could be part of it but the benefit for other reasons she does not want her to get off.

It brings me to my looking hard at myself. I try hard to, and have taken, a position of making every attempt to be more romantic. Of course it always leads to the “happy ending”. But I never get reciprocity. The thoughts are so negative.

In our conversation this morning, she says she could go sexless and be happy about it. She says that she cannot give me what I am seeking. I realize that feelings are what they are. She says maybe we should try a separation and see if I can somehow get the feeling I seek. I know a separation won’t bring us together. A separation will be my moving on with someone new in the search of fulfilling my wants and desires. This all hurts because how could our talk even go to this place. It sucks.

I recently finished a book called Reclaiming Your Sexual Self. Some facts they say is that 1/3 of all woman have this feeling my W has. It describes my W being “out of balance.” In some ways, my relationship is coercive sex.

I cannot help to think that in a way, the choices my W has made in life have hurt her mental health is so many ways.

Who would my W be if she had the power to say, “I don’t want to move to Indiana, I want to be close to my mom, dad and brothers”? Who would my W be had she said “NO” to the abortion, “NO” to that desire sex that first few years in our marriage, “NO” to her boss? Would she be a healthy woman then?

Who am I to fight for this?

Yep, I hurt. My blessing are so good yet this one aspect is not complete.

If I could only be this dog...

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:27 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn.

Do you think that the birth control is causing some of this? Can she see if another kind of birth control will make things different but still give her the other benefits?

My W has never really had a problem inititing with me. When she went into menopause there was a drop off in desire. She seems to have overcome this problem though. Could this be a premenopause issue with your W?

Is this a "dealbreaker" for you? Ireally think a seperation for this reason is arecipe for disaster.

Hang in there.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, March 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((tryn)))))

Look for a PM from me later today. In the meantime, I've said some things to ats on a similar topic on various threads. I'm not sure where the threads are now, but one was started by ats in either the General or Recon forum. Might help.

I will say this: I know it hurts you. And I understand your FWW's POV. Bottom line is, for me, I had to get over myself and start viewing sex differently than I had always viewed it, and I had to make a concerted effort to make it a part of my thinking. (Thinking + action.)

As I said, look for a PM later.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

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