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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood- Call me a Pollyana or an eternal optimist...but, I think what happened with you ...after having 4 kids together, the demands of home and work, the lack of nurturing 'the couple', and of course the Peter Pan attitude of your husband...all of that is not that unusual to happen in a marriage.
The situation can be reversed. The marriage can be saved.
I think that your husband has not hit bottom yet. I think that he has this unrealistic view of how great it will be to have his freedom.
I also think that once you are really separated-not just the 180 in the house-but, really living apart ....well, that will be when he truly 'gets' what being single is all about. He will see what he has lost and how little this freedom really means to him.
And, I think that it is very likely that after you kick him to the curb he will then come around and want to reconcile.
Right now, its not real to him. He has one foot in both worlds. He's a cake eater too-in a way...like Honest's husband. He still has his family, his home, all of that part of his life is intact but he is still going out with friends etc.
The reality of the sitch will not hit him until he is out of the house and on his own.
Maybe he will enjoy being a bachelor again. But, IMHO, I think he will want to reconcile at that point.
That's what I think.....

[This message edited by njgal480 at 1:39 PM, March 19th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood: basically the 2 of your were kids when you got together...actually younger then 2 of my kids now...and emotionally you are at a different place when you are that young....not to mention experience in life is nil...

people grow and changes progressively as they age...you reach a point in time where you begin to settle in to your skin...know what you are about....and that does not happen til sometime in the 20's....it takes time....now you 2 have been together forever it must seem...never really being apart...that is all of your schooling too....there is so much that transpires within who we are....

add all of that to a man who keeps all his feelings bottled up and you have not clue that he is not changing at the same rate or with you....

i believe the man loves you, i believe he knows what it is to work and make money...but when it comes to knowing himself who he is within...i don't think he has a clue...and i believe between the fact that he was so young when you began your relationship paired with his profession....you have someone who doesn't want serious, doesn't want to grow up, wants to be that young dude doing what he wants to do, cause he don't know what will be tomorrow...so the hell with tomorrow...what am i gonna do today...he cannot see beyond the scope of his nose....

i think also because the 2 of you did so much apart...not taking care of each other within the dynamics of being a couple...somewhere along the way lost sight of one another...you found your sight in him again when you found out about his a...i don't think he is going to find his sight til like njgal says, til he hits rock bottom...and i don't think it will happen until you divorce....i think he will get tired of the singles scene eventually...the lure will have worn off....unless he hooks up with ow or another where he still could play the part...but i think after a bit he will find he is lonely...and having fun with ow's will not do it either...specially since he really is a loving dad who is involved with his kids...

just my ramblin 2 cents....


gotta leave shortly to pick up dd, she is on her way home from italy...

wonder if i will see mr dishonest at the airport....maybe i could run him over with one of those luggage thingys...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle- So funny. Maybe you could run over Mr. Dishonest and save Honest alot of grief! LOL


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJGal & Miracle - who knows?
I have to say my H is not living a single life right now. If he goes out once a month that's it. It's just when he goes out with the guys from his pct it gets outta control fast.

I don't think he relishes the single life really. I do acknowledge that he is a cake eater. I guess that will take some time for him to realize that's what it is - he wants the impossible. But, I think the biggest problem is that he wants all this A talk to go away, for me to trust him again and for us just to be a regular "normal" couple.

Whatever.
Honestly, there's no point in speculating as to what exactly his problem is or what it will mean for me in the future. All it matters really is that I am not making a mistake in splitting up. And, I know I'm not.
Good boyfriend: yes.
Good husband: no.

ETA:
Miracle hit it on the head with this observation:
"You have someone who doesn't want serious, doesn't want to grow up, wants to be that young dude doing what he wants to do, cause he don't know what will be tomorrow...so the hell with tomorrow...what am i gonna do today..."

That's him! (Don't know why I sound so excited. Lol.)

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 8:00 PM, March 19th (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, miracle, I do truly love him. I am also resigned to knowing that the people we love are not always good for us.

This was like intervention # 973 over the years. Including a few from OW here and there. The really sad thing is that he thinks he's busting his ass as a husband (she says watching her 4 kids and a friend's child alone while WH attends 2 NCAA tournament ages with his friends . . .)

He just doesn't know. And he's also of the PW school Dip mentioned. He has NO clue what marriage and parenting are supposed to look like and he refuses to learn. Sadly, visitation would be MUCH harder on him than simply stepping it up.

He will have to hit bottom to " get" it too. I can see that now. So be it. Today he pretty much ordered me to be happy. Not meanly, plaintively like a kid - I just want my wife to be happy, can't you be happy? And I'm just playing with the kids - it comes out of nowhere mind you.

You know, I try to be happy, but the tusks on this elephant he swept under the rug keep poking me in the ass...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I hear ya sista.

My H will tell you he's superdad for sure. And, while he is definitely more hands-on than most, he still doesn't see it the way I do.

By the way, I'm taking the kids out on an all day long trip tomorrow. Something I would never do, but I'm getting ready to be single-supermom. Lol. Anyway, had to go in H's car for the dvd player (told him I was going to do it) and found a stack of clothes.
Interesting.
Not my business? I'm not sure. I mean I'm not going to go batshit crazy, but I don't get it. If he's moving out, just tell me. And, that would make no sense anyway. Why just put 1 stack of clothes in there. I would say they are extra clothes for if he was going to say he was one place and go someplace else, but they're not the kind of clothes you would change into to go out.
Maybe he'll surprise the Hell out of me and put together some things to donate.
LMAO!!!!
O I do crack myself up.

'Night all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let it go, hon. The D is the solution.

My H loves the kids. It's not that. I get stuff like he should be helping you get the babies ready for bed or doing the dishes - not reading.

Well, in his mind he was home at dinnertime and worked all day and didn't get to go out for happy hour so he's going the extra mile.

Like these games:
(1) is it ok if I get tickets with friend for the tournament games here?
-- sure
(2) on, say, march 8th or so -- just found out the games are on paddy's birthday (tickets already purchased)
Me--bummer
(3) couple of days later -- what should I do? I don't want to let my friends down. Blah blah
(4) Monday of this week -- oh we have tickets for all day Saturday too.

Wow. That is a lot of surprises. Whatever.

The problem is this (a) he has not arranged even one single ate for us since Dday (b) I I said I'm doing x,y,z at the last minute he'd flat out refuse to stay with the kids (c) I don't have opportunities to go out with my friends without hiring a babysitter ... And of course he might be on a date instead - oh he worked late two nights this week without calling and then "had to go to work" before the games thurs. Ok.

Simply put, I doubt this A ended. I knew it was a long shot - after 20+ hrs... Heck I said to one friend who is he really cheating on, me with her or her with me? You know, 'cause how dare he try to move on with his life after she married someone behind his back because she was pissed he wouldn't get a real job?

I love him, but at some point he needs to be his own problem and stop fucking up my life.it's not that he's at the tournament - it's the present manipulation, the history, etc
Never mind. I'm preaching to the choir.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AGNG and M33

So sorry you both have to put up with this shit.

I don't know what advice to give you. I guess just don't put up with it.

During the 16 or so yrs (+++????) that my H was having his affairs I was "single-supermom" but I didn't know about the As. I just put my shoulder to the wheel.... Now I resent that while I was doing this he was out playing. He was too "busy" to do family stuff or look after the kids so I could have a life. If you think they are still at it or won't pull their share of the load then don't accept it.

I know that's easy for me to say in my current sich - and I'd hate to be in yours with kids - but you are not their slaves. You deserve a life too. You deserve to be appreciated and treated with respect. Your Hs should cherish you - not see you as a nuisance when they want to live "their" lives.

JMHO

Love Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, March 19th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for all your support. WH's flight was late and I was getting an anxiety attack, but I started thinking about all of your advice, and it calmed me. Thank you so much!!

I get so confused. For the past week all I have been saying over and over in my head is, "He's not that into you" from the movie. Yet, he wants to play "happy Family". I don't get it.

Just going to work on the 180 big time. Focus on me, not him. Not worry about if he's happy or sad or whatever and keep doing my regular routine and not changing it because he's here.
I'm sorry, if I will need help from time to time from you guys.

I just wish he didn't come. I don't want to deal with this. I just want to run away, at least go away for a few days. But as some of you have mentioned, I don't trust him. I've hid the passports, and matter of fact, one of the kids' passports has expired. (mine has too) Why do these WS's get a chance to live fantasy world??? Some people escape doing drugs, drinking, having affairs and a combo of everything. I didn't escape, I stayed and was supermom, and still am. I was a single mother before I met WH, and am really one now. It's just the finances and the economy.

Allgood, You sound more and more sure that you are doing the right thing. That's the best thing. Keep posting and venting. As for the clothes, if you are curious, ask him. Who cares what he thinks about the reason you want to know.

M3: Is there any way you can verify if the A is still ongoing? And more importantly, if it is, what will you do? {{{{{M3}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Honest

I'm here honey and I have heard you.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so anxious. It just seems that every time you have the sich under control he upsets you.

I'm so sorry you have to endure this nonsense. I understand you wanting to "run away". But don't trust him. He has shown he is not to be trusted. Protect yourself and your little ones but don't take any shit from him.

This is what we BSs do. We protect our kids. But remember protecting our kids safe includes keeping their mums healthy and sane.

You need to take care of YOU for them. Remember that. A person can only take so much. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and the kids.

My prayers are with you tonight (here in Oz).

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3: I can seriously relate to what you described. I will add that "on his day off" he wanted to sleep late. Never mind, I never got such a benefit EVER. I've never known sleeping past 6:30, day off or not. And, never mind that means I was up getting 3 kids ready for school while holding a cranky newborn after being up all night. And, when he comes home, he just needs to relax, kwim?

Like you said, preaching to the choir. Seems like we've all had a similar experience.

M3, the only thing I can say, is give him notice when you are going out and go out. It may be a little rough to find such opportunities since we've built our lives around caring for our kids, but try to create some opportunities. I am starting to do that. And, I'm planning my own stuff with the kids without my H. Today, I'm taking a day trip a few hours away with the kids. I would've never done that before. But, it's now part of my life, and I have a feeling I'm going to like it. H always had a tough time really enjoying stuff FOR the kids, such as Disney vacations, etc. It was more like he put up with it. Today, I'm doing something centered around my kids' interests, something he would never want to go to. As he left this morning he told me to have a good time "Sounds like a blast."
Such an a-hole.

I hope your H didn't continue the A this whole time. While it may end the torture of "should I stay or should I go" it's still adding salt to the wound.

Stay strong M3. You've been doing it on your own all this time and I know you've got the legal stuff all figured out. But, with your house on the market, I think you need to take a long, hard look at this and make some difficult decisions. I wouldn't want to move more than once.

Honest:

I'm sorry, if I will need help from time to time from you guys

OMFG you are just too nice! Seriously? Dont' most of us come here and throw our bleeding hearts on the table and stand here waiting for help?

Please give us a daily update on Mr. Dishonest so we you can vent and we can make sure you don't cave. And remember, this is very simple: He is a liar. Everytime he says something add "said the liar". And, I've stopped trying to figure out my H. I've absolved myself of any contribution to this debacle and I'm not spending any more time trying to figure out his dysfunctions.

As for me - I did ask about the clothes. Apparently, when he left me that damn note a few weeks ago saying "It's over. Goodbye", he planned on moving out and staying with his partner. (Didn't know this because he came home that night.) I was really taken aback by this. Staying for the night was 1 thing, but packing for a few days? What the Hell did he think I was going to tell the kids? So, I re-explained that this is not the way to do things.

Ok, gots to go on my road trip.

Be well y'all.

And, HONEST, make me proud!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I just read your post about running down Mr. Dishonest with those luggage carts at the airport. LOL!

Laura, thank you for your support. I am feeling quite anxious and I know why. I'm confused between the practical and my emotional and spiritual sanity.

WH acts like all is well when he is here. We've always gotten along and never really fought. (except after dday)

My healing is taking sooo long. I know I have to go over all my journals and write that list in one place and really go over it. I've avoided doing that because I was so traumatized and starting to feel better that I didn't want to face those demons again. But I must in order to go on.

The other thing that bothers me a lot is that because of our lifestyle, going back and forth overseas for over 10 years, I haven't worked a full time job. There is nothing out there that I can do that will support me and the kids.

My neighbor has been supporting her 5 kids on her own forever. Bought her own house, etc. She keeps telling me that no one is really happy in thier marriages and look at WH's visits as "my job". Act nice for his visits, do not make love to him, be cordial, and then I'm free until the next time.

I guess that would be easy if I didn't care, I didn't love him (or what I thought he was), or whatever.

I thought I was kind of deciding that, but my heart was getting in the way.

Sorry for rambling. I should do that in my journal.

Love to you all.

{{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's true the job market is tight but its not impossible.
Why not think about dipping your toe into the water and start looking for a job while you continue to allow the WH to pay the bills etc.
You may be surprised that you do get a few nibbles and even get hired!
And you may be even more surprised at how competent you will be in any job that you get and also how much you will enjoy getting out and working again!
Why does it have to be all or nothing?
You can still delay filing for divorce but why can't you start looking for work?
Even if it's not in your field....you may surprised how things have a way of working out for the best.

This way if you do find a
job that you like then it may give you the courage to step away from the grip of your WH.

I have personal examples of a few success stories...one friend of mine was in a really bad state.
She had a number of very, very traumatic events in her life that left her psychologically debilitated.

She had not worked for years and years (was a stay at home mom) and would call me with long rambling (sometimes drunken) conversations in the middle of the night.
I tried to counsel her and support as best I could.

I encouraged her to go to IC (she did) and slowly I saw that she was coming around.
She had actually become somewhat agoraphobic during these years and was having difficulty driving, leaving home etc.
She was in trouble.

Then I tried to give her suggestions for jobs...just to get her out of the house and out of her 'head' for awhile.
So, I started thinking about her likes and dislikes.
I remembered that she was an avid reader and library patron. So, I suggested that maybe a job in book store like Barnes and Noble would be a good start-to be surrounded by books.

But, she nixed that idea due to the location of the store(on the highway).

However, she did start to think about her local library which had always been a safe haven for her.

When she asked about employment they did not have any openings but did have volunteer opportunities. So, she took that!
She volunteered 2 days per week.
Got to know the other employees. Got her confidence back.
And after a few months when a paying part time position opened up she got it!

She continued working part time for a number of years and now is a full time employee.
She is loving it!

She has made a whole new circle of friends etc. etc. Its been about 15 yrs or so since her late night calls for help.
That little library job helped to pull her out of a deep depression.

Often we just need to start with baby steps...one tiny step at a time...

[This message edited by njgal480 at 10:39 AM, March 20th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest,

I'm confused... is Mr. Dishonest there now? I second Allgood's "throw your bleeding heart on the table" comment. We've got your back, never fear.

You know he's a P/A and a narcissist and the lies and Oscar-worthy acting is just how those mental disabilities manifest themselves here IRL... he's pretending like all is well because that's what he wants. He's created his own little dishonest world that revolves around him and he is living there full-time. He is to be pitied and he is to be pitied from afar, like watching a character on a film. He can't give you what you need... he won't give you what you need. he is not authentic, his whole life is just a big act. And now you know.

I think it's time to make your bucket list. What are the things you always wanted to try; where are the places you thought it would be fun to work; what are the hobbies that you want to get back into? Then pick one and do it. It'll be good to focus on yourself, and it'll bump up your confidence and kick-start your mojo.

Now would be a good time to start thinking about it. Go to a coffee shop with a notebook and pen and don't leave until you've got a list of 50 things, big and little. Then pick one and research it so that you can get started tomorrow.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest:

I'm sorry, if I will need

help from time to time from you guys

OMFG you are just too nice! Seriously? Dont' most of us come here and throw our bleeding hearts on the table and stand here waiting for help?

allgood i love you for this... ...

seriously...i third the motion honest....totally...

this is after all what this site is for, is it not???

and i must tell you i looked and i looked...i didn't see him....i even spied some of those luggage thingys...so i could grab one and just well, run him over....


honest: i also think you need to get involved in something, take a part time job...anything to get you out and functioning as a whole person and not someones mother or wife....


allgood: good for you, taking the kids out...you are brave...i will never forget when we first moved out here, i was already used to doing things without pfm because he was always working, turns out he was doing more then working but whatever...anyways...i took the kids to this feast...and during the outing, i bought a funnel cake...3 kids in tow aged 4,5&6...i leaned on this machine to break apart the cake...it took all of 10 seconds to do, looked up to give to the first child...and the 4 year old was gone....completely gone...i was in a total panic...screaming his name..the machine i was on was circular, so i circled it grabbing the other 2 and dragging them while screaming the missing childs name, over and over...finally after about 2minutes of screaming and searching this woman points over to a different section and yells is that the kid i am looking for...thank god it was...those 2-3 minutes scared the hell out of me...needless to say i never took them anyplace that crowded again on my own....i still took them places and to do things...but never on that scale....

so be careful allgood...i hope what you have in mind is perfect kid fun and mom fun....


m3: seriously m3 is this how you want to live forever more.....i really believe when you sell this house you will have an opportunity, a huge opportunity....one that had i known who pfm really was all those years ago when we sold our first house...i would have left him in a heartbeat...as it was i didn't know about his "a's" i was already considering leaving him because he was a shitty husband, more then that he was a verbally and emotionally abusive husband....but i put love first and i put my kids first...he was their dad and i still loved him....had i known....i wouldn't be here today and maybe i would already be with someone else.....


laura: happy to hear about your aunts service....and glad to have you back


strong: where are you?....i am hopin your busy with good stuff...


nell: i am curious...do you have a bucket list of your own??

on my end: dd is home from italy...yay....she brought gifts for everyone with exception to her brothers and pfm....she bought her brothers candy, i understood that because they are hard to buy for....and as long as she remembers them...but then she lumped pfm in there with them...pulling out a bunch of candy and telling them to split it, meanwhile she bought for her uncle (really super freind of the family, more like a godfather and he is also her boss) a bag of biscotti....she bought 4 bags of biscotti, 3 as gifts and the last she says is for us the family because she wants to try one....so pfm only got candy...which was really candy i think for the boys.....i had a chat with her because i thought that this was so not right....he is really good to her now, i have to say asmuch as he is a shitty father he is still a father who does so much for them....i know that makes no sense, but it does to me....he really puts himself out there for his kids, when it comes to the emotional end, he sucks, when it comes to the common sense, he sucks when it comes to being able to see past himself to know that they are always watching and seeing and listening...he sucks....but the rest he's got.....and he has enough that she should have bought him something of his own...dd has got some serious issues with this man...and i know i probably should not have said anything to her, but i couldn't help it, i still feel the need to guide my kids to do right....and i know that if this was directed at anyone else i wouldn't hesitate to speak up so i did.....and even after this, i knew his feelings were hurt, the man worked for hours trying to get all the pictures she took on the global phone downloaded onto the computer so she wouldn't lose them. (it is a loaner, global phone that needs to be returned asap)...he even stopped eating his late dinner, late because we picked her up from the airport and was late when we got in.....but even though his feelings were hurt, he did this for her...and i so i felt the need to point that out to her...i don't think she cared....sadly....and then on the flip side...i feel well he was fucked up, and she knows for the most part just how fucked up he was, she also remembers well how he was not the greatest dad in his quest for perfect kids.....

i wish there was manual on this crap!!!

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

miracle,
bucket list... yep, I've got one. Several years ago took classes for rock-climbing and last year did watercolor, got a dog, started volunteering, trying to remember to initiate get-togethers with friends a couple times a month, traveling one new place each year, making time to visit my hometown alone so I can really concentrate on my family and BFFs without worrying about who is watching the Boyos, what WH is doing, etc.

I've come a long way, baby!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle - chillax! (a) Mr.M3 is not Pfm. (b) I'm good. Calm. Rational. Detached. I have plan. All is well.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. Just feeling very anxious right now and trying to calm down. No, WH hasn't done anything, on the contrary, he's acting all loving and sweet.

Just a minute ago, while he was walking past me, he starts caressing my shoulders and ask if I want a massage. I just smiled, and found an excuse to do something else.

But I'm so starved for human touch, not just the kids' hugs. All that went through my mind is that he does this for OW, he's probably nice to OW too.

I know I cannot even talk to him about this. He gets mad and turns it around and says something hurtful.

If I was a bitch, and didn't care, it would be easy. Just use him for the money.

I must detach. I was doing it but then he comes home. IC says this has become a vicious cycle.

I need to get angry instead of just wanting to curl up in a ball and crying. That's usually my reaction to hurt.

Miracle, I understand that you want to teach dd the right thing to do. But, she is hurting and has a history of hurt too with pfm. I would let this go. She has lumped pfm with her brothers. At least she hasn't disowned him completely.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We love you honest. Hang in there.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, March 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest-I disagree with the first line of your response....your WH HAS done something.
And he continues to do somethingwrong every minute of every day as he lives a selfish, compartmentalized life.
He can massage your neck as much as wants but that is not the issue.
That is not what he is doing that is wrong.
What he is doing is giving you and your kids the short end of the stick.
He is a cake eater..wants to keep both of his women and both of his families...and you just can't do that. Everyone loses.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


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