Same goes for Allgood and Mr. Nogood.
I've said it before but I'll say it again. I've been dealing with this for over 4 yrs now. I've done a lot of reading, IC,MC, spent a lot of time on SI and other Infidelity boards and the one thing that I see is that Reconciling after an affair is hard, reconciling after a LTA is very hard.
But, the one thing that is crucial for reconciliation is a very remorseful WS that is willing to do anything and everything to save the marriage.
The BS cannot reconcile alone.
And, the whole process is messy, difficult and painful. The WS has to be willing to dig in his/her heels and persevere.
For as long as it takes.
Stay strong. Do not allow him to manipulate you or hurt you any longer.
He cannot have his cake and eat it too! IMHO This whole set up is cruel and unhealthy for you and your children.You don't necesarily need to divorce. He could continue to financially support you and he kids. And he could have visitation with his sons but..this business of playing house with you and then flying back to the OW and OC and playing house with them and then flying back...it's just so wrong for all concerned-except maybe him.
Take care of yourself.Treat yourself to a luxurious spa day and give your WH the bill!
Tryin- No movie for this Jersey girl?
The odds are against the BS but he never surrenders, fights on, keeps his sense of humor and - HE TRIUMPHS!!!!!!!!
[This message edited by Laura28 at 10:01 PM, March 18th (Friday)]
My aunt's funeral was a lovely celebration of her life.
My children are home for the weekend so limited time to chat.
Love to all
Please don't worry about me dear friends. I am well.
NJgal, yes it is very cruel. He really expects us to play house.
I've been so confused. A friend of mine is advising something similar to what you are saying of not divorcing and let him have visitation.
But my oldest son is so angry that I'm letting WH in the house. He is livid. It's hard to explain to him why I'm doing this.
Laura, I'm happy that the funeral was a celebration of your aunt's life.
M3, what an intervention! Your WH must have been acting horribly for all your friends to see that and they don't even know the truth.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
But, no, I think he's been his usual self.
Laura - so glad it went well.
hon, when he does "get it" you won't have to jump in at all, he will have all the words he needs
Yes, I know I was jumping the gun there. (I am a better safe than sorry kind of a girl...), it's just my H's inability or unwillingness to show sadness or to discuss it is very real and is not limited to the topic of his A or our marriage. (Example, when he was a teen & we were together, his father was in a coma for months. We visited, but didn't discuss it, didn't see him cry til the funeral, and even then it was just to see him well up a bit. Even the day he died, my H was quiet. That's it.)
So, I do think he is more apt to just keep whatever it is to himself. He may end up regretting it, but I don't know that the epiphany is ever coming.
Tryn: the posters cracked me up. Thanks for the laughs.
Nell: I don't know what kind of work you are doing, but it must suck for it to be able to ruin an event like you described. Lol. Go look at the men in tuxes and have a glass of wine!
M3: I do think it's really something for your friends to confront you. It says a lot about how other people view your relationship. And, while that may not matter to you, I agree with Miracle about considering how this may be impacting your kids. I have to say, if my kids were a little bit younger, I would worry less about splitting up. I think my eldest 2 will have a tough summer, but will end up ok. The 2 year old will be too young to really know any different. It's my 7 year old that worries me, especially as he is the closest with his Dad of all my kids. I just don't see him totally understanding all of this and struggling with it.
Just a thought.
Honest: I'm livid too! I realize it's his home too and he wants to visit his kids and those are both legitimate points; however, there is NO REASON for you to be playing happy family. It serves no legitimate purpose other than to avoid conflict while he is here . And that benefit is greatly outweighed by the negatives, such as your kids seeing you accept this treatment & your emotional health. I know you know your H best, but do you really think you have to play happy family for him to continue to financially support you? That doesn't make sense to me. He knows you are not accepting this situation, you've been doing the 180, and yet, he hasn't done anything to terminate your marriage or apply financial pressure to you.
It's one thing to enjoy the financial benefits while he's gone and wait it out, it's another to actually pretend to be in an intact relationship.
At least make yourself scarce around him.
Please check in often while he's here so we can hlep support you.
So, tonight is another of my H's family events. I don't want to go, but I could go and put on the happy family face. I'm just trying to decide whether I should cave in to what makes me happy or go just to avoid any questions from his family or my kids.
[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 5:49 AM, March 19th (Saturday)]
Don't go. I haven't been to any of FWH's family events since dday. I haven't seen or spoken to his mother (who I don't like anyway).
Be a little selfish honey. You have enough to deal with. I really think you have a migraine coming on. A migraine is not cause for an argument (you don't need one of those) but is cause for rest and relaxation at home while he and his family look after the kids An upset stomach (causing frequent urgent trips to the loo) could also work.
I agree with AGNG. Why should you play nice with the fucktard???
FWH will be home from work soon (11.30pm) so have to go.
I'm sorry for being so direct but my heart goes out to you and your boys. You may not think it is affecting them negatively but I tend to think that it has to be very difficult and very confusing for them to understand this situation. A separartion or divorce would be easier for them. At least they could discuss it with kids in school.
What do they say now? I have a dad but he goes away at different times and stays with hhis other family and then he comes back to this family.
Your STBXH is treating your marriage like a timeshare!
cant write much he's home but I also agree with NJgal
Love and strength to you
"He wanted it all...(The Booze, the woman...) But he got more than he bargained for."
[This message edited by trynhard at 6:40 AM, March 19th (Saturday)]
"...it was his formula that gave the cereal super-strength; he sets off to the lab to get it, taking the Dean's beautiful but slow vintage car. When he finally gets there, he is confronted by Mrs. Stongish and ten of her goons." uh-oh
[This message edited by trynhard at 6:54 AM, March 19th (Saturday)]
As NJgal said
I would be nervous that he could in some way kidnap the boys and take him to his country ( I know I'm paranoid but that's me)
Just make sure you keep the kids passports. Hide them somewhere safe regardless of what's going on between you and Mr Dishonest.
I would be concerned about what he would be saying to the boys (brainwashing etc.) because your STBXH's thinking is really so screwed up!
I'd stay in the house 180
U (K) Turn...
UKgal "....who ends up entangled in a plot"
please please put yourself first for a change...and you don't have to be in the same room....i hope you are strong enough hon...
(((allgood)))....its funny i am a better safe then sorry kind of girl too... ...kind of why i understand...
m3: we are concerned and that is not going to change...so many people "see".....and i am sure your kids will too....if friends who are not close enough to know so much "see"...i can only imagine just how bad it really is....and this is what your kids are learning...
i know you love this man...but a question...do you really love him, the idea of him or who you thought he was or could be...
that was the biggest question i had to answer for myself...turns out i never loved the real pfm, because i didn't know him....i loved who i thought he was, who i thought he could be and should be....but not him....the real him.....and maybe if he did all i asked i could...but he never did and never will...he is not capable of being who i need...and m3 i don't think your ws is either...
...turns out i never loved the real pfm, because i didn't know him....i loved who i thought he was, who i thought he could be and should be....but not him....the real him.....
I second this statement, just change pfm to FWW and him to her. The difference in my case is that she is doing the work to expose the true her to both me and herself.
A real shame it took me catching her after she had sex and emotional relationships with 3-4 OM to get to this point.
Struggled a bit today, thinking too much about all this A crap; however, not a tear was shed and I never once thought, "ok, maybe if I do this, then, he will do this... blah blah blah & we all live happily ever after".
I hate to think I never knew my H. I just think that the demands of raising 4 children, us never having the time or making the time to be a couple was more than he bargained for. I had to change as my role in this family changed and he changed in a different way. I don't see him as inherently evil, but someone who is just really not cut out for a mature committed relationship.
Hope everyone enjoyed their day.