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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, March 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep.

When I was reading that I saw it as "Dip almost perfect." Then I saw that you were not quite refering to me. Yes bringing the beer does hit the spot. The kind of beer I like best is the Free And Cold brand.

Polly.

I must say that you do have something special in you. Most are not be able to take the high road concerning the OP.

Hugs to the tribe.

[This message edited by old dipstick at 4:00 PM, March 17th (Thursday)]


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, March 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dip,
Hey, I could take the high road!... There are big rocks along the road, and OW's low road is within throwing distance, right?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, March 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow, sure is quiet in here today....


a few more points polly...

you say you like him and enjoy his company...that is awesome...so often you hear of one spouse really not liking their spouse...and i think its easier to live with someone you like then someone you just love...love can only go so far when you don't like the person, kwim...

anyways...this is a really good thing...

your dd...if things do not work out between you, she need not know why...unless of course when she is older and asks...but at her age there really is no reason to burden her with adult sich's....

if the marriage does work out, i don't think she should ever know since it would serve no purpose and most especially since it really is a matter between the 2 of you...if the marriage ends, then i think when she is old enough she has a right to know why...children have this ability to make up all sort of horrible stuff with their imagination...and then you also never know what she hears from others...better you control what she hears and that she hears from the 2 of you who do love her....


i think you need to establish a working plan...and part of that plan needs to be ic for both of you and mc....this is not an easy sich to deal with and help and support will help the process along and speed up your healing....

this is not a sich to deal with on your own...guidance is sorely needed from a 3rd party who can remain objective....


one step at a time...

ok i think i am done...

(((tribe)))

hope you all had a very irish day!!!

and paddy i hope your first birthday was a success...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, March 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dip - if your not perfect I promise I wont tell anyone.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, March 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwantamiracle.. I did have a good day and hope you did too.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, March 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle you are right. Somehow I think these prayers will help. God reveals all things in his own time.

Pollybuddy - I think you have refrained from getting in touch with your anger for some reason and that is why you've been able to be so "graceful" about op.

Get angry!

When you're angry enough that you've almost convinced you BFF to join you in some sort of revenge...then you're the healing amount of angry...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, March 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3..... what's going on with you?....

Posting on your daughter's birthday... in the evening... (you NEVER post from home)....

Hoping you are ok...


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, March 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

way way too quiet in here...

sending lots of love and hugs to everyone...may you all be having a wonderful day and a an even better weekend....

m3....hoping you are ok...you too allgood...its not like you to be so quiet......


(((tribe)))


honest...still praying he doesn't come home tomorrow..


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, March 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle: I didn't speak to him yesterday. (Didn't take his calls) but he told the kids he's coming tomorrow.

Now, I'm getting anxiety attacks like no tomorrow.

I have to keep telling myself that I am strong. I am my own person. I will no longer be used.

Pray for me.


{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, March 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where is everyone?

Ok. I will start.

The other day, H texts me that he always wants to be with me. (This was in response to something I said, which I can't recall.) I was able to resist resonding to him until just now.

So,I call and ask him what the Hell exactly that means. It seems I keep waiting for that moment when he has an epiphany and I keep jumping at anything that might resemble that.

In a nutshell, he loves me, wants to be with me, but sees we are not going to be happy because of this..... get this... "never ending saga".
Wow.
I did a good job not reacting to him referring to our sitch in this way.

I need to remember that he will never change. He will not seek help. He wants the results without the work. And, I'm not happy with the status quo.

Now, I just have to figure out what our post-separation relationship is going to look like. He wants us to still talk and be friends. If neither of us is involved with someone else, he would continue a physical relationship with me on demand I guess.

Hope everyone else is well and enjoying the warmer weather.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, March 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol - of course, the second I start writing "where is everyone?" I miss 2 posts. Lol.
Now I look like a nut for saying "Ok, I'll start."

Honest: Go find a picture of your alter ego from the karma ass kickin conversation (Can't remember what your name was going to be, all I remember was you were going to have to get a tattoo of a thorn or something.) and tape it to your mirror or walk around with it in your pocket or something.
Maybe it will give you a laugh and remember to kick some ass!

Maybe if you were a raging biatch to him (behind closed doors, of course) he wouldn't want to come back so often.
AND, I know you worry about your kids, but I seriously want to impress upon you that they should see their mother pissed off and cold, at best, when someone like Mr. Dishonest is near her. You can encourage their relationship with him, but you have every right to not be a part of it, whether you are duck lining or not.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, March 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, all. Got a bad case of the gators! Thinking of y'all.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood: thank you for reminding me of that conversation of our "alter egos"!!!

I remember that. I think I will follow your advice and find a picture of a rose with thorns on it. The rose for the good part of myself I want to keep and the thorns for self protection.

Better yet, I'll draw it myself. That way, I'll really involve myself in the project. Thank you!!


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, March 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.

Never ending saga? Wow. I really don't know what to say. DAMN......

Nell.

Throw rocks at the gators and the OW. BIG ROCKS.

Honest.

Be strong and keep us informed. It will help you.

Deep.

Many times I have been close to perfect. Then I wake up.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, March 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For Nell:

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.. I know you have but maybe over and over again.

I would keep responding...

- I don't know if you killed the beast. Your actions tell me NO.
- You are not in therapy to determine why you could have possibly betrayed our marriage
- I have not ever felt a true heartfelt apology
- I cannot get out of my head things are still hidden
- We don't spend quality time to gather.
- You don't Share your feelings of guilt and shame.
- You don't make me feel special.
- I'm still hurting inside and the things you do just don't seem to stop it. You don’t even seek to try and help me get over this. You blame shift it back on me with words like “Drama ending”. I hurt.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, March 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell

"a young woman who has to face other people for the first time. Her mother... warned her that men were evildoers. Nell sleeps during the day or works inside her home, and is active outdoors only after sunset. "

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:16 PM, March 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, March 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a nutshell, he loves me, wants to be with me, but sees we are not going to be happy because of this..... get this... "never ending saga".

allgoodnamesgone,

Just a couple of weeks ago I posted part of an email from FWW where she too expressed her frustration with the fact that A-related crap still floats around inside my mind, and it may for the rest of our lives. The important difference is that she sees the need to reframe and work on herself to fix this issue.

From her recent email to me:

I am not mad about the thoughts. I am angry that I have no way or tools to fix it and what Dr. IC told me to do doesn’t work.

She is embracing her issue, she becomes frustrated and upset when I talk about A-related things that make her uncomfortable, and she has no good way yet to soothe herself. She accepts that her past is now a part of our future, what she is struggling with is learning to acknowledge those things without starting into a downward spiral.

She had IC again this morning, she still does not like going. She told IC that she is feeling like she is coming out of the self-loathing she has felt for the last 5 years. She is feeling like she may be able to forgive herself. It has taken about 24 C sessions for her to get to this point, plus intensive reading in about 4 of her “favorite” books.

Until a FWS can get to the point of talking with perspective about the A-s and their feelings and learning tools to self-soothing when they are tense, depressed, or anxious, I have trouble seeing how there can be confidence in the BS that the wanderlust and need for the soothing of external affirmation and flattering attention will not return. As I indicated in my lottery analogy, Mr. nogood wants what we all (you included) want. He just does not seem to be willing to do the heavy lifting to find his happily ever after.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, March 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest,

High Anxiety

"When Mr Honest goes to his room, a large rock is thrown through the window, with a message of welcome from the Violent Ward. His radio blasts rock music loudly and will not shut off. He is trapped... and he dies from an ear hemorrhage."

Yep... Movie night tonight!

[This message edited by trynhard at 12:22 PM, March 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, March 18th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: I briefly explained to my H this morning that I could've done a better job of hiding my feelings. I guess he didn't think that the feeling were being concealed as to just not having those kinds of feelings was good either. I then pointed out that I felt certain things weren't addressed.

It really does get to a point where saying the same things over & over again makes me feel worse. Powerless. I'm trying hard not to go back over and scrutinize what I've said to my H and say that the problem was that I didn't express myself clearly enough.
And, that's really only 1 part of the problem anyway.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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