Nell: I can really relate to your post about the passive/aggressive behavior. It describes my WH to a tee. WH often said pretty words etc, but whent there were times I needed reassurance, sometimes he'd say, "People don't do that. They don't ask for something like that. A person says things when they feel it, otherwise it's meaningless." WH also would give the silent treatment when he was upset, but the problem was, I wouldn't know why. I understand if someone is angry and they say,'I'm too angry/upset to talk right now. I want to wait until I am calmer", which he did on occasion , but the withdrawing and muttering and negative behavior without explanation can drive one bonkers. You really "translated" the behavior well!! Thank you.
Polly, I remember the orange thread very well. It's exasperating when they do that. WH did that before DDay, and a little after. It's so frustrating when they say, "see what I got for you?" and then you tend to feel guilty that you are not appreciating what they are offering, but very unhappy that they are not listening and understanding YOU. They are only listening to themselves.
Then you get, "I've tried to make you happy for years!! You are never happy!" To which I answered, "How could I have been happy when in my gut I knew this A was going on, and you weren't giving yourself fully to me????" He shut up.
Polly, give yourself time to decide what is the best thing to do. Don't settle. You may decide to hang on a while for finances. Another option may be to get a post-nup so it will clear the way for the future so all your options are there. I pray you get your orange.
Tryn: I'm glad that at least you are letting your W know when you are upset and allowing her to comfort you. Thank you for sharing the lyrics to that song and your feelings that go along with it. There are so many times that you or Ats share your feelings and thought processes and it really helps me by seeing my thoughts and feelings put into words.
Deep: I'm glad you have a good IC. Don't worry about whether or not you feel you are good at describing your feelings. Just "free write" here and let it out. We will understand.
NJgal, I agree with Miracle about the OW. I have seen over time, that that "person" is getting too much time and effort from you. She doesn't deserve a second of your time. She is a worthless POS who is bar hopping and an alcoholic. As you probably know, it wasn't her, but the drinking and she was a drinking buddy with benefits plain and simple.
Allgood, I also think OW in your case was a female drinking buddy with benefits. Deep down where your WH doesn't want to admit, he knows his drinking is wrong. That's why they need the drinking buddies. OW also added the OK stamp to the drinking.
He is texting to you? I don't know, but the only thing I would do is either email him or text him back that you gave him a list of requirements to R, if he really wants to, then adhere to that. Otherwise you are going to ignore his sweet nothing texts and only talk to him about finances and the kids. I'm so sorry Allgood. I know how very much this hurts. You will get there. Keep coming here and venting and posting. We have your back.
Nofun, you need to give us an update. How are you doing?
Dip, good to see you. Spring is next week! I'm waiting to see what you'll be grilling next. All this talk about baseball bats with Deep. Will you use them as a rotisserie stick for the chickens over the grill? I know you can use them to fight off the gators, though!
Hugs to you Strongish. I hope you can have some peace for a while.
I wish the tribe some peace and many hugs.
i read your profile, are you in ic, is he and are you both in mc...???
i believe all three are sorely needed it you want reconcilliation to work....ic for you, you have so much to process, not to mention all the betrayal by both your ws and so called friend....to be able to process and make sane decisions is difficult enough when you do have the support....not having support or that legit sounding board...the professional to help keep you steering the direction you need for you.....would only make this journey more difficult then it needs and this is one super nasty journey...the hardest one so far of my life....
ic for him...he is broken and needs assistance on fixing who he is...if he doesn't fix what is broken within him, it will stay broken and you will never feel safe
and finally mc for both of you....your marriage needs that middle person, that sane person to keep you both on the path....
one other question, or right now i think its one more..
when you arent in your work enviroment together and you have time where his a is not at the forefront of your brain...(yes i know that is probably almost never, but still) do you like him?..do you enjoy his company?
ok that was 2 questions...
and one more...if it weren't for your business, would you stay???
and i must tell you from reading your profile i amazed at the grace with which you carried and carry yourself....methinks you've gots lots of class...lots!!!
njgal: i still think you should do something to excise this poor excuse of a person from your mind....sometimes the mere formality of it can be so healing....sometimes it does shit...but hey its worth a shot!!
nell: i don't think that is the million dollar question....i think that is a question you need to answer for yourself...the million dollar question is whether or not this man will ever meet your needs, make you feel safe, happy and still turn you on...and will he ever fix what is broken within him...those are the million dollar questions..!!!
so i ask you again, with who he is now...if this is all he ever could be..will this be enough???
tribe...say a little prayer for scrawny boy...he is getting some minor surgery tomorrow under general anesthesia...he's never had general anesthesia, and of course i am hoping that he handles it well without issue...
My prayers are with you and your son!! I pray all will be well. Let us know how he does!
All this talk about baseball bats with Deep. Will you use them as a rotisserie stick for the chickens over the grill?
Yep. You won. Fucking ducks.
Prayers for you and your son
Gators still after me. Trying to write the eulogy for aunt's funeral.
(((((((Nell, honest, AGNG, Strong, DP, ats, BP and anyone I've missed))))))
Where are you???
Wise as always
She may not act like it, but deep down she has to feel like she got put in her place.
Hooray for Laura!
I love that you had the chance to confront the OW and tell her off!
You were magnificent!
You are my hero
Try it honey. I feel so much better. Don't care about her reaction, thoughts or response. Don't care if she's sorry or not. I did it for me.
Fun and lostsuol
Are you OK???
Will be back when I get my head above water
Love to all
[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:21 AM, March 16th (Wednesday)]
Meanwhile, I love hot yoga. It makes my body feel good and my mind quiet. Now must run... the mind will need to ramp up big-time today. Much to do.
Love to all, and where is fnf?
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
It's up to you to make the changes needed for your own happiness. How long are you going to accept being in grief?
Are you with a partner who you can be happy with? Forever?
If not, have the courage to change.
That courage to forgive, accept, give one more chance to love. or.. the courage to seek a new, better, partner.
I push you...
The hardest choice is to end. The hardest choice is a new beginning. The hardest choice is to forgive someone that betrayed you and then love them.
Good for him reading... Does it make you feel safe when he's working on himself.
How about this?
maybe he can slap himself in the face?
[This message edited by trynhard at 5:51 AM, March 16th (Wednesday)]
One more post before actually leaving...
It would make me feel safe if he were to use this as a launching pad to work on himself, yes. Without some serious WORK we will be, as Miracle says, stuck in the muck without any growth. And, no, Miracle, that will not do. I deserve so much better than status quo.
ETA: I have done that first pose once. It didn't last long. It was when I lost my balance and fell down a set of stairs before landing on my face. One of my less graceful moments.
But I'm still counting it.
[This message edited by ImNellNow at 8:16 AM, March 16th (Wednesday)]
Laura -- love the blue butterflies and that you told off those OW's.
NJ - I have a very hard time about OW as well. I believe it is because she knew our family was in crisis and made a concious decision to hurt me and my family. Yah - I take it personally because it was personal.
Hugs to the tribe...
if those pics are really what you do nell...i gots only one word...O U C H...
scrawny boy came through surgery beautifully and is eating and eating....meaning he feels better then normal...i like too that he is eating, when i helped him dress leaving the hospital, he reached up to put his shirt on and the boy is skin and bones...he truly looks like he could do one of damned commercials for the starving kids from africa....
and thanks for the well wishes everyone...
time is short...bbl
So sorry you can relate to my earlier post about the passive-aggressive stuff. How sad for me that I never knew what it was...
Yeah, exorcise that bitch! And then tell us all about it.
I have never heard anything of blue butterflies before this... great... now butterflies and ducks. What's next? Soon I won't be able to go outside without thinking "Laura." (Okay, so this I don't mind so much.)
I do okay, but I do have working bones, so I don't look quite like that. And I had no idea there were even "hatha yoga championships." What people won't do for a trophy...
Nell, God bless you with the yoga. I'm lucky I can touch my toes!!
It is helpful to share these stories about WS's behavior so we can see we are not alone. I really had no idea about passive/aggressive behavior before coming to SI and all the other lovely PA traits that people have. We all have our own quirks (I know I tend to be a bit co-dependent), but then there are those who exhibit traits so much, even though they might not be "fully" diagnosed with a PA, but are messed up enough to drive others crazy!!
WH just called. He says he's coming home Sat! I don't want him to come. I'm not completely ready to kick him out. If he stayed away another month, it would be better. <sigh> Give me strength!!
I will still go ahead with my planning, but emotionally, this sets me back again.
Love to all of you.
A little history...H and I have been going to MC, H for almost 2 years now and me for only one year. I am a dropout. It was just frustrating me. Anyway, MC called me this week telling me that he wanted to talk to me. Here's the short version.
H doesn't get it. He feels that H has manifested FOO issues and does not know what intimacy is, nor does he know what feelings are. He only cares for me, and him...that's all that is important to him. Hmmm...wonder where the kids fit in? I honestly didn't think there was such a thing as not knowing what feelings were. No wonder I've been calling him "the poor bastard". The MC told me that he thought there was something between us as why would we still be together. He told me he wanted me to know that what I was feeling was normal and that I was a normal woman. He said "I am certainly not telling you what to do, but if you decide to leave the marriage, I will understand."
I just wanted everyone to know that my H is the true defination of a fucktard!!
And somehow I ended up with this!
Yes, I shall be needing the bat. It's nice that we're circulating it; the police will never find the weapon.
[This message edited by ImNellNow at 5:49 PM, March 16th (Wednesday)]
I think suckling pig would be better
Nell: It has been 2.5 months already. Why does he say he is coming? Because he misses me!!
I actually was getting to the point that I didn't miss him. Nell, you are right. I have to keep myself busy and not be there for him 24/7. It's like the whole world has to stop because he decides to make his presence known.
Miracle, I'm so happy for your son.
You are right, I NEED to get mad.
Allgood, how are you doing?
Honest- I'm sorry that your WH is returning...that must be like torture for you.
He's back and acting like everything is back to normal?
while he talks to the OW and the OC on the phone?
and then in a month or so he leaves again to go back and stay with them?
just an awful situation.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with such a painful situation.