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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((allgood)))

of course you had a meltdown...there is not a one of us here who hasn't or will again...it goes with the rollercoaster....

it is so so hard for us to comprehend that these fuckers...did what they did, continue to do what they do whilst we fight..we fight for our marriages, we fight for our families, we fight for our sanity....and we hear them talk the talk but never walk the walk....or they still play the poor pitiful me role....its so so fustrating, aggravating, provoking, irritating and downright surreal.....how could they?..seriously, they do this and its up to me to fix it, and then fix it his way or no way...and his idea of fixing is just forgetting and moving on....honesty....no we can't go there....god forbid we should see who you really are....clueless idiot...this only makes us really see who you are, but the love we have allows us to "see" what could be, what should be and god dammit why the hell don't you...if i could feel that way after what you have done, who the hell are you not to reciprocate....

and then of course there are all the fustrations that you now see that were always there but are magnified....strong i am sure your ws was always like he showed you with the car thing...mine was like that...it used to drive me crazy...i never according to him, knew what to say, how to say it, what to ask, how to ask it...my opinions never mattered, my anything was never good enough...

and for me...the one thing i believed was good enough...guess what...NOT...turns out i was the hole too!!!

sorry went off on my own tangent....


soul: from now i think i would rather call you soul...you have so much soul, so much compassion....

This place is in my thoughts so much that I fear it is part of the reason I still doubt that I have the whole truth about his A and wonder if we are really moving toward R or just going thru the motions.

i am so sorry you feel this way...trust though can be earned....forget us with our ws's who are not trustworthy...and then concentrate on those of us who do have "f"ws's who are actively earning trust....lets start with lovin..., njgal.... tryn..... and now one of the newbies...laura

the rest of our ws's i believe are at all different places...but when its earned there really is no denying it....i understand though the reservations you might have in truly believing...that is your fear...so talk to us, tell us about what he's done...so that maybe we can help you "see" that maybe he did really earn it or is in process of earning it....you know how much we all want each other to succeed in our marriages...so hard for me to believe i am writing that, but it really is true...we all root for each other to succeed in our relationships...we don't tear the other ws's down unless they have earned that...and unfortunately lots of our ws's have earned that...i sincerely hope your ws is one who has earned the trust and for us to root for him....how about you???

laura and nell: love your posts and your takes...


honest: you really are turning a corner....can't wait to see what street you drive up tomorrow...


purple:

WW is catholic - went to girls only catholic high school & voted most likely to become a nun


i'm with allgood: what did your mil say??


nell:

(Although it contained much creative language, and was cathartic, it was not the kind of catharsis I was going for.)

ah nell...but these are the journeys that give US the most healing!!


and so I do pray that he can grow beyond the obstacles placed in his way by his mother (and, if OW is to be believed, his father) and become a healthy, happy adult.

most of the obstacles are put there by him....as is true for most of our ws's....they become their own worst enemy...and when you are an adult, there is no excuse for not becomming a real grown up making your own decisions....as opposed to relying on others to guide you, especially when i believe fundamentally you always know when you are being guided down a path that is not only dangerous but extremely self destructive...


and yes nell....b r e a t h e....

i too love your way with words...so keep writing...whether its here or even in your journal...keep writing..


including incorrect use of the f-bomb

i didn't know you can use this word incorrectly...i rather thought it could fit in anywhere...cept in church...


promise:

charity in the relationship

there is such a thing....but ibelieve that the charity thing whilst is a great christian way to live may not be as healing as say acceptance.....which really needs to come before forgiveness....and learning to accept that which we cannot change is truly healing...it allows us to let go, it allows us to live in the moment and not be so consumed with the past....living in the present for the future as opposed to living in the past for the present and the future you cannot and will not have...which is kind of futile....


allgood: i like being mad too, its easier...

easter: do what is right for your kids...and if that means not being with his family then so be it...remember if you cannot handle it, or have a meltdown with them..then that is not good for the kids...if you think you can get through it...then do it....

and of course he could help matters by being on better behavior instead of doing things that are going to trigger you...i told pfm along time ago...what you do now is your business...but you do not have to put it in my face...i should not have to see it , hear it or feel it....


dd is in italy...her phone is not working...but i do know that she is safe...i heard from another parent today that on the first plane (they took 2) that someone totally unrelated to them "died"...so i guess her adventure has begun...and i am so hoping that this is the worst of this trip....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, March 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Quick check in. Just got a call from aged care facility. I must have dropped my phone there this morning. They called to say it is there.

Maybe I get to give OW1 the "stylish and dignified finger" after all

Have to go pick it up.

FWH has just arrived home. Will check in later.

Love to all
Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As MIL is a BS herself the look on her face told me she knew all a long, she just couldnt accept it until I told her.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for your engouragement.

Yes, Miracle - my H pretty much has said that we couldn't work it out because I never let anything go...

I responded with a single word "Please..." I did not have the energy to go there even tho my mind was flooded with reasons why that wasn't true.

I agree that I hadn't let go of the A and wasn't doing such a great job of concealing that. But, he had enough information about how I work. I need for it to make sense. I needed to know how either he is not the same person or see such remorse and renewed committment to our M that I could believe I wasn't just Plan B. That he loved me and wouldn't hurt me anymore.

(On that note, I'm reminded how the morning of the Xmas party he had sent me areally nice text about how he would never hurt me again and how he knows I don't trust him but I can... So funny when you think how that night turned out, that it's the main reason we are not still reconciling...)

Deep: Damn u men are so short on sharing. Lol. Well, I hope that your MIL is able to have some impact on your WW that makes things easier for you somehow.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:14 AM, March 13th (Sunday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Allgood... I just wanted to give you some encouragement today.


All we can do is overcome the fear of the unknown and pursue our own happiness. You are.
All we can do is the best we can do. You are.
All we can do is allow ourselves to cry. You are
All we can do is look toward the future. You are
All we can do are things that eliminate our pain. You are.


One day, I vision you not thinking much about your H causing you this pain. With this end, is a new beginning. You are doing good.

I would start warming up the families things could be coming to an end.


I am sacrificing alcohol for lent. Last night, I enjoyed such a different perspective of the evening as I listened to my friend slowly pound them down until his words start to slur. W’s jumping up and down on a dance floor. I noticed new lovers in the making, those waiting to be hunted and hunters. Some married people holding each other, some not. Me, the only sober SOB in the place… lol.. It was fun.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:22 AM, March 13th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

promise:


charity in the relationship
there is such a thing....but ibelieve that the charity thing whilst is a great christian way to live may not be as healing as say acceptance.....which really needs to come before forgiveness....and learning to accept that which we cannot change is truly healing...it allows us to let go, it allows us to live in the moment and not be so consumed with the past....living in the present for the future as opposed to living in the past for the present and the future you cannot and will not have...which is kind of futile....


allgood: i like being mad too, its easier...

Miracle - I know that is true in my head - my heart still needs mending before I can process accepting I guess.

(( Allgood )) Thinking of you. Sometimes I believe I am addicted to being mad - it is easier.

To the tribe ... Have a great Sunday


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken…
Am I "faking it until I make it"? NO I am not.


I decided not to tell my W I have these feelings in a “certain way” because it reminds her of her sin. I am forgiving. Forgiving is not shoving her mistakes in her face making her feel guilty. I can come here and share my feelings as they relate to historical painful event done to me. I can tell my best friend I have these feelings. I am not faking that. Since it is my clear, it is my choice not to share some things, I deal with them on my own. It is a decision by me.


I have the power to change my mind. I can decide to tell my W these things if I want.
- I still have feelings scare me you are still seeing OM.
- I still cry when I think about you F'ing him.
- At times, I still have hurt and pain.
But after 30 months, all that can do is make her feel more guilt. It is not moving forward in a positive way. When you R, you must move forward in a positive way. YOU MUST.


One difference today is this. If I need some love, I am going to communicate what I need. I do this in a safe way not to accusing. I never assume she is going to figure it out in her own head by reading my body language. I try hard to explain what I need to feel, what I want to feel. I do find my W always then makes an effort to make me feel what I need to feel. It is her re-commitment to me that she wants to make me feel happy and complete.

To think infidelity is ever going to leave my memory I have accepted… It never will go away.


I was looking at what SI thinks it takes to be successful at R and thought I would take the test.


In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your spouse must do:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/reconcile_musts.asp


He must be totally honest with you about everything No, my wife could not tell me all. It made her look to bad in her own mind. Today, I trust she tries the best of her ability.


He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully. No, My wife could not do it. I got enough. She could not tell me details about the sex acts done to each other. Just that they did them all. The descriptions are left to my own imagination. They loved each other and did all the things the five languages of love describe. She love both of us.


He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with. She made the choice that she wanted our marriage and proved it by quitting her job, immediately. She went NC from all I can see. She tried everything I suggested I needed to stop hurting. She stayed with me when I threw her to the ground in anger causing her physical harm.


He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding. She never blamed me. She ask me to change some things. She took full responsibility for what she did saying it was her, not me.


He must feel your pain. Yes. I think at times she felt my pain. She hurt for sure.


He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you. Yes.


He must accept full responsibility for his actions. YES


He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them. YES


He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions. No, My wife never wants to discuss it. It is just too much pain all the time. It's Ok with me now. Nothing more needs to be said. It could have been a ONS, a week affair, a month affair, a year, 20 year. No additional Q's are needed. It is what it is.. all ugly behavoirs.


He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. No, My wife many times told me she cannot take the shit I was dishing. But, she stayed. She did not want to go to Retro, but she did.


He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. Sometimes. Most times, I dealt with my triggers in my own way.


He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. Yes. My w gave me three of the most heartfelt apologies. I have had many loving letters.


He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. My wife never blamed me. She always said this was her greed and selfishness. She did say there are things about me that she need for me to change. Most were things already within me she could not harness. Her needs from other men fall totally on her and she admits it.


He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. I think she makes effort to heal me. I know I accept this. I believe it becomes part of you just have feeling s over it.. You can cry over it, you can have bad thoughts over it. You can learn to shift your thoughts and avoid the pain. I can do both. I can turn on my pain, I can turn it off.


He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. Yes, I think we are more connected now than ever before. We share our feelings so much more often. I never knew how to do this before Retrou.


He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. Yes. I think she does all to make sure I see everything.


He must be willing to seek counseling. My wife saw her IC about 3-4 times. She says he was pushing her to leave me. IC helped her ZERO. At that time, he was forcing her to make a commitment. Retro is when she made the re-commitment.


He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them. I have strong boundaries with this. I enforce them with strong emotions explaining my feelings when I see it happening. What goes on behind my back I depend on God to let me know.


That is me.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:29 AM, March 13th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, I know I said that your WH was like a little boy accepting his "punishment" stoically. That said, he is still like a little boy who wants the "punishment" over and done with and now let's go back to how everything was before.

It's like his attitude is, "ok, I was wrong. I got "punished". Not let's go back to "normal", Allgood"

He is not seeing reality. He doesn't seem to understand that there is work to be done to fix the marriage, or more correctly, to build a new marriage. He is the one who is stuck.

Allgood, if it's any consolation, your WH DOES love you. He just does not get that it is possible to do the work and he is the one who has to change within himself to fix it. I don't believe it's because he doesn't love you enough. He is just floating along on fumes and not really living and interacting with his family.

I know it hurts. Somehow it hurts more now because you are not in the shock of the early days of dday where there was some numbness. But although it may hurt more sharply now, you can withstand it more.

The true 180. Focus on yourself and the future. Keep the focus there and not WH.

Tryn: It is funny when we are not drinking and everyone else is. We can see more clearly what is going on. I'm glad you had a good time!

Miracle, I hope your dd has a good time and you will survive this week without too much worries!! Hopefully you will be able to contact her soon.

I have a turned a corner, but I seem to be running low on fuel I got myself all revved up, but am slowing down but haven't lost my momentum yet. I am still getting confused on my direction, but at least I got my motor running.

{{{{tribe}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Broken and tryn, we were cross posting.

Broken, it takes a while to heal. The only thing that I believe you can do about forgiveness, is just decide that you will do it someday, and then work on your healing.

Tryn, thank you for sharing your experience with the SI's "must do" list. Sometimes we can see a list like that and feel, ok we are doing most of these, but not all, so we aren't doing R right.

It's good to keep in mind that we are all individuals and some things can work for one couple and not another.

But, Tryn, I still disagree with you about your triggers. I do completely understand why you are not discussing these with your W, and have decided to discuss them with friends, or here at SI.
BUT
I do believe that if you are are triggering badly sometimes, you do need to tell your W that you are feeling upset or having a bad day. Hiding and covering up these deep emotions is not healthy for the relationship that is supposed to be based on caring and sharing. You don't need to go into details, but she needs to know that you still trigger from time to time.

Otherwise, in reality, you are rug sweeping and trying not to rock the boat.

You guys are no longer in a fragile vessel. You and your W have built a strong ship that can withstand storms now.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Popping in to say hello and to send my love to you all. I'm giving up not going to church for Lent, so must run. You all will be in my prayers.
XO-Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have much time. FWH came home from a trip and is taking a nap before dinner. We're leaving tomorrow to go skiing for spring break with DS17 and another family. Ugh!

I'm trying to read all the posts but there is no way I can respond to them all. Just know that the Tribe is never far from my thoughts.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish, I hope you can have fun going skiing and try to compartmentalize as much as possible. Try to take a mental and emotional break and pretend and forget for the few days and concentrate on the outdoor beauty and your child.

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Someone posting something of interest in either JFO or General, or was it R? Lol.
Anyhoo..

It was a list of why women stay in bad relationships.

I skimmed, but found some interesting things in there.

Just throwin it out there.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn... I meant me faking it until I make it
I am sorry if I didn't communicate that well. I did have a question about your graph you some times post - I seem to recall the anger line being highest at 8-9 months? Is it at this point you made a decision about acceptance? What made the anger line begin to go downward?


to the tribe


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

promise:

my heart still needs mending before I can process accepting I guess.

acceptance is part of mending....


and i have found that for all of us this comes at a different pace, we cannot make it come any faster just because we will it so...i tried.. ...with exception to continually doing the work we need to do for our selves...and for each of us this is different....is the only way to hasten the process.....the longer we deny to ourselves, the longer we hold on, the longer we procrastinate what we know needs to be....the longer it takes....

figuring it out whether each choice and desicion is the path to least regret...often we know, we just don't have what it takes to sometimes carry though with it because it involves an uncomfortable change...whether it be a change within the relationship...and learning to trust where you fear you cannot, or change letting the relationship go...the fear of being alone, or making it alone...

at the end, each choice needs to be weighed...is it made out of love or out of fear...with exception to abuse or threat...fear should never guide you...

i am still on this path...it seems to be a long part of this journey for me....i do find that the more detached i am the easier it is....and space is huge for me too...so you need to find what works for you on this path and use it....


honest:

Allgood, if it's any consolation, your WH DOES love you.

i agree that mr nogood does love allgood....but i don't find it a consoling in the least....i find it more fustrating...the same with pfm....all these proclamations of love mean nothing when not backed up by doing the work....its talking the talk without walking the walk...kwim...

i had a convo with ow#1...and she was so quick to tell me that "pfm loves you, he really loves you"....well so what...it didn't stop him from sticking his dick in your hole....or anyone else's hole...and even now his love means nothing...its not "SHOWN"...its just a word...a word i should add he has said to another...and sadly he did show her he loved her, never me...never giving me what i needed...with truth being first and foremost...

and for allgood...he couldn't apply himself...because he is too stupid to realize that he is creating what he fears....instead of fighting what we claims to want....and we all believe he wants it...but so what...he is not acting on it....he is letting his fear of the ultimate rejection guide him..so he rejects her first....like how stupid could you be....well apparantly VERY....he does do stupid well....too well...i am beginning to believe he went to pfm's school on how to handle your marriage...


and tryn i agree with honest: i think you need to tell your wife about your triggers...you do not need to throw her a in her face to do it either....it does not mean that you no longer forgive her either...it means you are sharing your pain with her...she is supposed to be your soft place to fall...you don't even have to tell her what is making you trigger...in fact i don't think you should tell her what each trigger is at all, unless of course she asks....but i do believe you should be able to look at her or even write to her..

"mrs tryn, i feel very (sad, angry or just a little blue)(pick one or another) today, something triggered these emotions within my heart and i need a (hug, kiss or just hold my hand)(pick on or another) from you"..PERIOD...no need to go into anything else...and then let her help you, let her love you....that is all part of loving someone...and guess what shit like that happens to everyone...does not mean that its affair related...you could have heard about someone getting cancer and needed to be held because it made you feel bad or sad....you could have heard or saw something that just affected you because it did and you don't know why...it just did and you need for her to hold your hand and tell you that everything is going to be ok...

this is NOT throwing it in her face
this is NOT taking back your forgiveness

THIS IS LOVING....


strong: have a great trip...i hope it brings you surprises...


nell: keep prayin hon...for all of us...


purple: again i agree with allgood...your sharing is underwhelming...it kind of feels like we are pulling teeth to find out what happened...


yes allgood i said i agreed with you again...make sure you don't tell dip...kkk


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, March 13th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IWAN - there wasnt much too it.Itold her the basics (not the termination) & in return I learned a little more about her situation which WW doesnt know about.She shared her fears moving forward & the impact not only on her daughter but her beloved grandchildren.
Im just thankfull she now knows as does WW best friend - for me the support network is in place for when the shit hits the fan in the next month or so if the PI delivers. The support is for WW not me. Each day I see a woman in an emotional struggle with herself.My no1 priority is me, finding work, & being there for my children - I will not carry her load anymore.
I am detaching - slowly ever slowly.
Its painfull watching the person you care about & love so much slowly wilt like a dying flower.
I know I will survive but what form the family will take in the future - I dont know?


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

This is going to be weird. So hold onto your hats.

I have been seeing signs. My butterflies. I told you (I think) about the blue butterfly at the foot of the Jesus statue in my church. I have been going a lot more lately but only noticed the blue butterfly a few weeks ago. Now I keep seeing blue butterflies at particular times. I went to have my hair done on Sat. On the wall beside the chair I was sitting in were beautiful homemade paper butterflies. I asked my hairdresser about them and she said a lady had brought them in that morning to sell. There was a blue one that particularly caught my eye. I bought it and 3 others. Not long before I received the phone call in the following story, I gave honest a blue butterfly.

You may recall that OW1 works in the aged care facility where my mum and aunt lived. Yesterday I went to Mass and then with my sister to clean out my aunt's room. I was a little worried that OW1 would be there and was worried about how I would behave. I didn't want a scene (my sister is a sensitive soul and I didn't want to upset her) but I have so much pent up anger towards OW1. When I used to go to visit my mum and aunt she would often come to the room and ask about FWH and my children. I assumed this was the same friendly behaviour I had seen in all the staff. I was furious when I found out that she was so friendly to me after what she had done (and continued to do) for all those years. I hated that she was pumping me for info about my family and that I had given it while she was carrying on with my FWH. Anyway, I was a little concerned she would be there yesterday morning and how I would behave if she was. I was afraid I would "lose it". I went with my sister and she wasn't there. Came home, went on with the day. Phone rang. It was the aged care facility. They had my phone. I had left it in my aunt's room and didn't realise until they called. I asked who had found it. They said her name. I was seething!!!! FWH came home and suggested we go to the beach. I told him I needed to stop in on the way to get my phone. He didn't say much but I knew he was a little worried as we both knew OW1 was probably at work by this time.

On the way to town I was debating whether to confront her. It was as though fate was bringing us together. To see her I knew I would have to go to the section where she worked - not just the front desk to get my phone. When we got there FWH asked if I wanted him to come in with me. I knew he was worried. I was looking out the car window and saw a blue butterfly on a nearby bush. I told him no and knew at that time I had to confront her. It has been eating away at me for months. I knew I needed to say something to her.

I went in the front door, past the desk and down to her section. When I got there I saw her across the room and said "XXXX could I have a word with you in private." She glanced at another staff member and then came towards me. I moved to a quiet place and then told her: (abbreviated version) You are a whore. You destroyed my life and that of my children. You will rot in hell for what you have done.

She interrupted several times trying to say that it was all my husband that he chased her relentlessly. I repeated some of the things he told me about her behaviour and the colour drained from her face. She stopped trying to blame him. She then started to say she was sorry. I told her her apology meant nothing to me. That I saw her true nature when I visited her just after dday begging - yes begging -her to tell me what happened between her and FWH and that when she told me that I was a "nut", I "needed psychiatric help" and should just "get over it" that I knew she had no remorse. I repeated my assertion that she would burn in hell for what she had done to me and turned and walked away.

I felt the most enormous weight lift from my shoulders. I got into the car with a huge smile on my face. My FWH asked me what had happened and I told him what I had said to her.

We had a lovely afternoon.

So now you know. I am a nasty piece of work. I have often said to people "I am a truly lovely kind person (and I AM) but if you cross me I am a vindictive bitch". The vindictive bitch in me came out yesterday. I hope she has some sleepless nights worrying about her immortal soul.

If she is a true Christian she will contact me, beg genuine forgiveness, tell me all she remembers about their relationship and once again say a GENUINE "I am sorry".

I will believe her if she does. If she contacts me and tells me the truth. I begged her for the truth that day. I cried and pleaded and she laughed at me. If she tells me the truth I may even forgive her. She has the rest of her life to be genuinely sorry. If not - then she can rot

So now you know. Hope you don't think too badly of me.

I have read all your posts and am thinking of you but can't respond right now. My anger towards some of your spouses is overwhelming. They are fucktards who don't deserve you. I know I would simply say "Leave them" which may not be the best advice. I will write again when I feel I can give the best advice for you in your sich's.

Love to all

[This message edited by Laura28 at 4:25 AM, March 14th (Monday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spectacular melt-down last night. I have been feeling crap all weekend, and I almost made it... was in bed, reading my devotional (the last thing I do before turning off the light and going to bed) when WH came up to show me how by (him) not having to give up one single thing, we could suddenly afford for him to cut his pay by 20 percent. Somehow I expected this.

Then I completely lost my shit. Really, it was spectacular. Had I been wearing a sparkly unitard and riding an elephant, it would have been circus-worthy.

Must regroup. Love to all.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura28.. I am glad you told us that story. I was thinking that butterfly is an angel... telling you that they are watching over you... warning you... guiding you.. Then WHAM!
If she is a true Christian she will contact me, beg genuine forgiveness, tell me all she remembers about their relationship and once again say a GENUINE "I am sorry".

I would be very surprised if she ever contacts you again. I bet you scared her. I am sure she doesn't feel too good after that... I call that having your nose rubbed in your own shit.

badly of me
HECK NO ... Laura, My plan for months if I saw OM at bar was to pound his head in with a glass beer bottle. At one time, I loaded my gun with his name on one of those bullets. Not any more today.

I plan not to ever say a word to OM. It was not OM that forced my W to love him. 100% on my W. 100% on your H. It's called being faithful.

iwant and honest... LOL..

mrs tryn, i feel very (sad, angry or just a little blue)(pick one or another) today, something triggered these emotions within my heart and i need a (hug, kiss or just hold my hand)(pick on or another) from you"..PERIOD...
that is exactly what I do. And it works. My W always comes through with something.

I know this, no matter how well my W treats me, no matter how many times she said "sorry". In my soul, the hurt is just there. Sometimes the hurt is just a slight thought and moves on. Sometimes it's a 10 minute dwell and tear. The daily thought of infidelity just pops up with all kinds of reminders. It's just a part of me. I don't feel my life is destroyed. It just hurt these days.

My W has earned my never throwing this in her face. Today, it is up to me to control my own thoughts inside me.

[This message edited by trynhard at 5:45 AM, March 14th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, March 14th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell,
What is going on? I think you move in a postive direction by increasing pay 20%, not cutting. Is he losing work?

Nell, I think you need to start planning independance.

I wish you some peace this week.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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