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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest is right. I already regret writing all of that. Isn't that funny? Weird?

I really have no idea what to do. How can I have no idea what to do 16 months after Dday? How is that? Holy crap.

I vent, vent, vent. At first I blamed, blamed, blamed. Sigh.

What I need to do is this: I know what my options are. I do need to do what miracle and Nell said a few days ago and really sit back and visualize and also be really self-critical etc. Then I need to sit WH down and be brutally honest about how I view things and let him know what I want to do -- or what the options are if there is more than one alternative that is acceptable to me.

Man, this is so much work.

Thanks again everyone.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dear God, m3. Do not take my advice about anything! I don't know which way is up 99 percent of the time!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell.

That 1% of the time is what she was banking on.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3:

Ok - all I wanted to know was what you were going to do for Paddy's birthday. Lol. Did you still not address that issue with him?

Damn u lawyers can make everything so complicated!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't address anything with him. I just vent here. I am completely unwilling to expose any feelings I have about anything to him ever. I just cannot deal with the idea of having any closeness with him.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow M3!

I'm going to go back and read your post - admittedly, I skimmed cuz I was in a rush and I guess I misjudged the status of what was going on with you and Mr. M3.

Hope you find some clarity and direction soon. I know you are doing all the right things to get there.
Take care.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3,
Whoa.
Is that a temporary feeling, do you think? I can see it as a self-protection response to a multitude of hurts. Makes total sense. It just seems like a very large obstacle to a happy relationship.
(((((m3))))) I'm so sorry that you are here. (Emotionally, I mean. I'm so glad you are here internetally.)


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: I'm glad you sat back and thought about it. You take all the time you need to be sure you're doing what is best for YOU.

That said, DO NOT let your WH know what you are planning in terms of post nup/separation/divorce right now. You are not sure yourself, which is fine. But from what you have described about him, he may get defensive and see it as an attack and pull a counter offensivce.

YES, DO TALK about finances and future options of buying a new house, etc. How it will be financed, etc. Who knows, maybe even your WH may have some practical ideas.

When you are sure of what you want to do, you'll know. Right now, you are exploring all avenues. You can have your plan in place if you decide to leave, you can plan to give it all one more try, but have your back up plan.

As for me, I think I'm getting ready to stand up to WH. I was so afraid before. Actually, in an odd way, it was good that WH told me that he was arguing with OW and got her parents to talk to her. I was very upset when he told me this and hung up. A few days later I told him how upset I was and he interrupted and was telling me why. It was because she was calling him "cheap" and telling the OC's that their father was cheap. WH said he called her parents in to tell her it was wrong to do that to the kids, that it was hurtful and even if they divorced she should not put their father down because it would hurt the kids.

These kinds of things I've told WH many times over the years not to put the other parent down because it hurts the kids. I told him this when I D xWH. I told him this that my parents didn't do this. I had told him this many many times over the years that I wouldn't do that to our kids if we D, not as a promise to HIM, but I wouldn't hurt my kids.

He's quoting me!!!

Then it hit me. OW stands up to WH. They argue all the time. She gets her own way. He won't leave her. BUT, she stands up to him.

I always did what he wanted. I was always afraid to lose him. I gave him myself. I sacrificed everything I had for him. For what??

I am grieving and mourning for giving myself totally away like that. Didn't even keep anything to myself.

I will have to stand up for myself and if WH has a temper tantrum, so be it.

There are a few things I didn't do lately because WH didn't want it. I was acting out of fear, I did what he wanted.

I have to stand up for ME now. For what is right and good for me and the kids.

I think I'm losing my fear and realizing the manipulation and emotional abuse I put up with.

Perfect example of over the years from WH: "You can do anything you want. But if you decide to do x, then I will know how you feel, then we can't be as close/I will feel differently about you/us; I will do my own thing, etc"
And this is about whether I was wearing SHORTS or a sleeveless shirt!!!!!!! or some other mundane thing.

He threatended me with withdrawl of love to keep control over me.

He withdrew his love anyway, so no more control. This is actually a good thing. Now I can try to escape his manipulations and control so I can have my sanity


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3 i think you need to take a really deep breath....

b r e a t h e....

ok, now is not the time to go all commando either...so relax, kkkk


i believe you have time on your side right now...your home is not sold yet and paddy's birthday is next week...

so take it ONE step at a time......one step...

lets start with paddy's birthday....and i really think you need to talk to him...just talk, not vent, not argue, not yell and scream....just talk to him....and let him know that his going to ncaa or whatever it is on her birthday is unacceptable period.....he belongs with his family on such an occasion...

and mr prepare yourself...he may just decide to go anyway...he may yell that all your want to do is control him.....he may do exactly what you expect or not expect....but no matter what he does...it is what you do that matters...

another words....whatever he does, its what you do with his response...give him the opportunity to respond...who knows maybe he might just surprise you...

and i get the feeling that he is a bully with you....i hope i am wrong, but if not...prepare yourself for all possible scenarios....and then work out what you WANT to do for each...and then m3 follow through.....


i really don't believe that you want to live the rest of your life like this....and the only person you can change is YOU.....

and of course you vent here, we all do....and i really hope you don't have regrets for writing whatever you write.....just because you write it does not make it written in stone...you can change anything anytime....

aside from that its really good to get out how you realy feel in the moment with peeps you love you and will not hurt you....we will not hurt you m3......you are safe here and dont forget that....


and about being brutally honest....you can be honest without being brutal...being brutal will not produce results that you really want...and m3 i really think you want your marriage and your family....


b r e a t h e........


(((m3)))



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest:

As for me, I think I'm getting ready to stand up to WH

Yay!!!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honest:


<clapping hands whilst standing up>

YAY

YOU GO GIRL....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

great cross posting minds think alike...don't we allgood!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura
So sorry to hear of your Aunts passing - may she RIP.

Hugs to you & your family.

[This message edited by deeppurple at 2:27 PM, March 9th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again everyone. I have no idea why I'm having such a huge meltdown all of a sudden.

Laura, I'm so sorry. I forgot to express my condolences.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - I was so sorry to hear about your aunt and have said a Hail Mary for her too.
I'm sure you know this hymn but I thought I'd post the link - it's the one I chose to have sung at my sister's mass.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85tfBBmbuMc
I hope this brings you comfort.
I wanted to send out hugs to so many of you who are currently going through a tough time, especially Allgood, Honest, M3, & Nell.
It's been a little hectic around here but I think of you all and worry about you and wish there was some magic words or wisdom I could offer. I hope it helps to know how much you all mean to me and each of us. Just know that eventually it does get better and yes, that blasted word - time, does make a difference.
Hugs to the tribe.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I am so, so proud of you!!

He threatended me with withdrawl of love to keep control over me.

He withdrew his love anyway, so no more control.

Yes, yes, yes, yes , yes!! You've got it exactly right! I will tell you that in my sich, I always thought FWH was so much smarter than me, and having been such a weenie growing up, meant that I would rarely, if ever confront him. My Dad was a yeller....would yell loud and bitter things. I HATE confrontation, controversy and yelling....so, FWH and I just never argued. We were/are so civilized all the time. I have had to do just what you're doing and that's stand up to FWH despite knowing or being fearful that he will be angry. One time I had to leave the house after a confrontation as I was so upset. I called my sister and asked her to stay on the phone with me so that I wouldn't go back home and try and smooth things over before FWH left on his trip. (Insert sarcasm here) I actually let him leave with harsh words between us. I'm still not comfortable standing up to him (he can usually talk circles around me) but I know that I can't live with myself if I don't get out what I have to say. I have the occasional snarky comment but for the most part I try and keep the sarcasm out of my conversations with him. (You don't even want to hear what I'm saying in my head though!) Do what you need to do to stand up for yourself. If you're afraid you'll cave, then hang up the phone. Don't engage any more than you have to. Practice saying comments like, "If you say so Mr. Honest.", "I just don't see it that way.", and one of my favorites...."You need to do what you need to do." That puts the responsibility for their action right back in their lap.

m3 - A word of caution given to me by my IC, don't expect that you can plan for every possible situation. You can't know how this will all turn out. As Miracle said, you can only control yourself...that will have to be enough. At the end of the day you need to give yourself permission to ask for what you need to be happy in your M. You're not asking for anything unresonable.

I just cannot deal with the idea of having any closeness with him
This is the direction that I am moving towards. I feel less and less for FWH every day. He continues to come up iwth stupid stuff....not heartwrenching, but stupid. For example, he sends me this e-mail this morning about howhis parents aren't perfect and thus neither is he. I couldn't help myself....I had to send back that I never expected or asked for perfection. What I asked for and what he promised was fidelity and honesty. So much for taking my own advice about not engaging!!

[This message edited by strongish at 5:17 PM, March 9th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all.

Strongish: I always hated confrontation too. WH and I rarely argued, and if HE did something that got me upset and I told him, HE would get upset, withdraw and I ended up apologizing to HIM.

Standing up to WH for me just means that if he wants me to do something (or not) and I feel it's ok, then I will stand up for myself even if he's going to get mad. I have told him after DDay that I would not tolerate him saying/doing hurtful things, and I started to let that slide, but no more. I will risk him being upset or having a temper tantrum. I will not be bullied into feeling that my feelings don't count or that I'm wrong about not putting up with hurtful behavior.

I can't self doubt anymore. I do need the support guys, and I can't thank you enough.

{{{{{tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, March 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Honest)))

You CAN do this!! You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF

God works in mysterious ways. When we organised my mum's funeral we chose this song. After my aunt died (she was too unwell to attend mum's funeral)we found some papers among her things asking that when she died this hymn be played at her funeral. She wrote this some years ago. Now one of my SI friends sends me this link!

Thank you so much.

Tribe

I am reading and thinking of you but don't have time to respond to all. Thank you so much for your expressions of condolences.

Love you all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, March 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest - I'm so proud of you also. You can do this. I never fought with my H either. Like strongish, my dad was a yeller and he would also come after my sister and I and physically attack. Maybe that is why I hate confrontation also and don't want to upset my H out of fear?

I now realize how wrong it was to not stand up for myself all these years.

I was so happy to read your post. You are a wonderful person and a great mom. You will get there, slowly but surely.

Hugs to all


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
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