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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 23
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Henny,
I am glad you shared that poem. I know how you feel. I was a mess for 3 months. The thoughts would not, could not leave my mind, hours and hours.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? I see IC. your art is meditation. What else? Are you walking? running?


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Tryn for your reassurances.

It says, I am not willing to change or even try.

I know this is true. It just boggles my mind. I really just can't wrap my head around the fact that I could find a way to go outside my comfort zone and try to make this work, but he can only offer going through the motions of IC/MC, and paying more attention to me.

Just a little while ago I sent him a text saying that I will try to be less hostile when we negotiate again, that I'm still hurt and angry that this is what it has come to. That if this was something he wanted, and was willing to do whatever it took, he would've had it. I told him he gave up too soon. Told him I wouldn't bring those issues up again, but I wanted him to know that.

Only response was that he received my text.

Typical.

Anyway, I have to be at peace with the fact that I did do my best given the circumstances. I put enough information out there and I do not have a willing partner.



Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Henny
♀ Member
Member # 31345
Wink  Posted: 7:55 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@trynhard
Good morning. I am never up this early much less communicating with anyone but thanks for asking...
I am going to join the Y and go swimming again. I am so looking forward to it. I haven't been fully eating so I don't feel like I have the energy to do it yet. I did take a walk in a preserve at L. Michigan last week and that was so good. Saw a movie last night with some friends. Still in my urban gardening class and making plans with a collaborator on a pretty large project.Those things have been really really good.
Gotta take the car to the shop this morning - broken window=not good.
What do you do for yourself?
A smile to you this day.


DDay Feb 26 2011
26 yrs M
11+ yrs of cheating
Two solid attachments
Working on R or so I thought.
False R 05.20.2011 and again in August. He moved out Mid Nov.
Have despair.
Don't want to be here.
Second separation and this may be it.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gots little time:

allgood: you need to 180 hon....he cannot give you what he does not have and i know how hard it is, believe me i know....you cant understand in any way shape and form his willingness to let the marriage and his family go, why he is not willing to fight for it...after all what is so damned hard about it, its not like you are asking him something he isn't capable of...wait a minute...you really are....as much as you know he is capable....HE DOES NOT...and he is not willing to tap into what he would need.....

for your own sanity, step away....picture one of those car alarms that yell at you when you touch them "step away from the ws"

you need to 180 180 180 180...i know that panic too, you see time is flying and before you know it that deadline is here and its done.....but allgood, stop thinking about the deadline...i know easier said then done most especially because this is your kids....but it really is doing you no good...your best shot honestly is the 180.....he see's you comin and its like "here we go again" remember he is not thinking like one of us, he seems to be stuck in an adolescent response pattern and has no desire to change it, and he doesn't even see it....


henny: i understand that need for him to see it all, hear it all and truly absorb it all....just try to keep some of your anonymity....if not, then use it the best way you can...and always always remember the pm feature.....because there will be a point in time where you may not want him to know everything you post....

and as for what you do?...the things that made you happy before...the ones that involved only you, hopefully getting you out of the house....and hopefully where you are with people.....

the more routine you put in your life the more stable you feel..most especially if the routine includes things for you...

and start eating better if you can...yes i know easier said then done and i certainly am in no position to judge...it was appx a month before i ate somewhat regular meals...and it was a solid 2 weeks before i ate period....a bite of cheese here and there....drank plenty of tea though....and i used real sugar....i am a splenda girl...but i knew i had to sustain some sort of energy....and all i wanted to do was crawl back into bed and stay there forever....and i actually did that for a few days...gots really really sick, physically ill from the whole mess....but the plus side is i got my body back....the skinny one....

would gladly go back to way i was if all this could go away....but alas thats not possible....

henny you are doing so remarkable for someone who is still such a newbie...yay henny....

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

picture one of those car alarms that yell at you when you touch them "step away from the ws"

Lol. Ok, I will do that.

But, my deadline is really that everything be DONE by the end of June, we tell the kids and he moves out within 2 weeks. I don't want to think about loose ends or financial stuff at that point. I want that all done, titles to cars changed, joint everything closed, etc. before that.

And, I really don't feel comfortable waiting for the agreement, because I won't put myself in that situation. He knows I want this done by the end of June. That affects negotiations the closer it gets to June. I need to either have the agreement signed by the end of this month or file what I need to do in Court so that it is all done.

So, I have said my peace with him, and I'm going to remember the car alarm and step away from the WS. (I'm glad I got one last dig about his mid life crisis out this morning tho... Lol...)


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Allgood}}}}
Your WH just seems to feel that he did something wrong and you'll never forgive him, because he wouldn't be able to forgive you if he did the same. Or even perhaps, he can't forgive himself. He can't fathom that you may be able to do it with time and work together.
I agree with Miracle...180. Don't engage with him. Just be civilly polite. It doesn't mean you have to be unkind or mean. Just a simple 180. He's given up on you, the kids, and himself.

Henny, you are an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing the poem. I know that you want to fix everything ASAP, but I would wait a while before sharing this place with WH. It's good that he is seeing an IC. Reading some books might help him also and printing out some things from here too.

the more routine you put in your life the more stable you feel..most especially if the routine includes things for you...

Miracle, thank you!!! It seems so simple, but I think this is exactly what I need to take the power back. To make my own stability and not look for it from somewhere else. Not to be tossed about by the whims of others, but have my own anchor. I used to, before I met WH. I have to find myself again and it's almost like I don't where to look. I feel so lost.

SI is like a compass. Thank you all.

{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, WH has all-day NCAA tournament tickets for Paddy's birthday.

For the newbies, hard to explain what a loaded statement that is. I don't have quite enough time to post the explanation now.

So, there you go.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, WH has all-day NCAA tournament tickets for Paddy's birthday.

Isn't she a little young to attend and appreciate NCAA basketball? Maybe an evening game, but all day tournament?


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that's fantastic. She doesn't even need her own seat; she can just sit on Mr. m3's lap! But, m3, you should really be the one to pack the diaper bag.

Was this a surprise B-day gift for baby Paddy or did you know about it ahead of time?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: since he has these tickets, he knows what the day represents in all ways...i think it is indeed a great idea that he does take baby paddy to the games....pack the bag for him, and let him know that you can do a party for her on the weekend....


sheesh....or you could introduce him to mr couch and let him know that will be where he's a sleepin if he goes on that day without baby paddy in tow.....

under normal circumstances this would not be ok....

did you ever get to that post nup you was thinkin about.....nows might be a good time...

allgood: i understand the need to get him to sign....but you are doing way more then that....and he has shut down...totally broken and there is no one who could fix his ass but him and does not know, worse he does not know he has too!!!


honest: yes get yourself into a routine that involves doing for honest, not just your kids, the house, you mom....YOU....at least once to twice a week do something you love to do....and if you could work in exercise daily, even if its a 15-20 minute walk around the block...DO IT....



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Henny
♀ Member
Member # 31345
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To anyone
Been reading on this site...
http://www.infidelity-help.com/blog/2010/10/22/webinar/

Helpful.


DDay Feb 26 2011
26 yrs M
11+ yrs of cheating
Two solid attachments
Working on R or so I thought.
False R 05.20.2011 and again in August. He moved out Mid Nov.
Have despair.
Don't want to be here.
Second separation and this may be it.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Henny - I have to say that you are doing well for such a newbie. God knows, far better than I was, but don't feel surprised if you have some really down days. They come and go. also, I've told my FWH about SI and that I post here. He said that he tried to sign up but was turned down. When I told him that the moderators would only let him join after contacting me, he said to forget it. It was too much work.

Allgood - I have to agree with Miracle...as difficult as it is, try to disengage from Mr. Nogood as much as possible.

I told him he gave up too soon.
I'm not certain that he was ever really trying? M is not for sissies and that's how he's acting. He needs to grow a pair if he expects to enjoy the love and trust of an amazing woman like you.

Honest - I'm sorry you feel so lost. Most of us define ourselves by the roles we play in our relationships. Most of us here on SI had those roles forcibly removed from our consiousness and thus we feel adrift. As it is described in one of the books I've read.....you begin to doubt everything...Is the sky still blue? You have been rocked to your core, so it's not too surprising that you feel lost. Try not to panic and you'll find that after a while the way will become clearer. The good news is that you are not alone on the path...we are all with you and won't let you be alone.

Miracle - I have to say that I now fit in clothes I haven't been able to wear in years thanks to the infidelity diet. Get this...FWH actually made a joke of how I should be thanking him for me being able to lose some weight. He's an idiot.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, yeah. Let's torture the baby to make a point.

I'm having her party that day. Im meeting friends at the local Sports Pub / Restaurant for dinner and we're having cake and she's wearing her Shamrock dress.

I handled the whole thing totally wrong. I'm going to have to admit that. But you know what? It's not too late to go back to him and say -- hey, I handled this totally wrong and I feel really disrespected and manipulated by your choice to do this.

So, that's what I'm going to do. The whole bullshit just keeps expanding -- and last time he went to one of these with his friends -- OW just happened to be there (this was 2008) and WH wouldn't come for my emergency surgery that day.

If you ask me, this man really doesn't want to R. That's his choice. I care, don't get me wrong, but in a similar way as Allgood expresses her cares about her impending D. You know, not enough to ruin my life over staying in this relationship.

But, yes, I handled it totally wrong. He said they were going to get tickets for the tournament and I said OK. A couple of weeks later it was -- I just found out it happens to be on Paddy's birthday. Uh huh. And I gave a that's a bummer to that. Then a few days later it was a big martyr-like I guess I shouldn't go followed by a what would you do to me. That's where I screwed up -- and assented to him going to some of the early games and meeting us for the party. Then my IRL friend reality-checked me on being an idiot there (and she doesn't even know about the A.) But, in my own defense I didn't want to get sucked into the "M3's the bad guy and won't LET me do X" which is Mr.M3's mindset for any need M3 wants to have met.

So -- as you can see, I will probably best enjoy the day without martyr-man.

So then YESTERDAY it was (male)friend made us dinner reservations at restaurant X -- to which my reply was -- I guess he doesn't know you don't even like restaurant X. Of course, I'm meeting people at 5:30 and the reservations are at 4:00 -- he'll never make the party.

So... what do I say? I suck. This is what I think I say -- but help me out tribe.

(oh -- newbies, my WH spent every St. Patrick's Day and 1st day of the NCAA tournament with OW -- the latter especially because OW's BH goes out of town with his brothers for the opening weekend of the tournament every year.)

Now, I never told OW's BH -- maybe I should tell him now and he could have her followed while he's out of town...

Anyway -- here's what I think I should say.

I really screwed up in saying it was OK with me for you to go to the tournament for part of the day once you knew it was going to be on Paddy's birthday. I felt like you were trying to manipulate me by asking me what you should do. I felt you were trying to set me up as the bad guy if I asked you not to go, and I also felt really resentful that anything other than selling the ticket to someone else would even occur to you. But it wasn't fair for me not to discuss that with you and instead suggest that you split the difference. I'd also like to say that it seems pretty unlikely to me that you didn't know the tickets were going to be for Paddy's birthday when you agreed to buy them. Nonetheless I did suggest that you to go to the day games and then meet me at Paddy's birthday party. It's my own fault that I'm not comfortable with the suggestion I made.

Should I tell him why I'm uncomfortable? Should I hire a PI or tell OW's BH? Should I just suck it up? What is appropriate here?


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle & Strongish - I know you are right. It's just an easier said than done kind of thing.

I think I am one of those people who cannot be alone. I'm embarrassed to admit that but I think it might be true. That, or I've been in a steady relationship since I was 16 and don't feel comfortable being alone.

I know he's never going to say the things I want him to say, the time for him doing the things I wanted him to do are long past, but I'm still sad and lonely.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Duh. I'm such a dumb-ass. I'll just buy a ticket and go too.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3 - we cross-posted.

Idk whether he knew it was Paddy's bday or not - I can see any guy being like - ya - I'm in without checking the date first.

However - wasn't he doing really good with checking with you before making any social plans? What happened to that?

This would be my order of questions. And that's the way I would handle it - a series of questions - you ask, he answers, you ask follow up questions, you proceed to the next question.

I would not get into the speech you have prepared because it allows him to just zone out.

The introduction:

I'm not happy with what is planned for Paddy's birthday and I would like to discuss it.

The questions:

1. I was surprised that you made plans without asking me first. I thought that was the way things we were going to do things from now on. What happened?

2. I'm disappointed that you would attend the NCAA after learning it was Paddy's birthday. Please help me understand your choice.

3. I don't want to be your mother/parole officer/bad guy. I want you to make good decisions on your own. I reluctantly agreed to you attending for part of the game because I wanted to avoid being place in that role. That is my mistake. However, I don't understand why you expanded upon my agreement by including dinner plans, especially as the same would interfere with OUR plans for Paddy's birthday. Please help me understand this.

The conclusion:

I am very unsettled by this. It makes me feel very insecure about our relationship. I don't feel like you are putting your family first. I don't think you are acknowledging me as a partner by making so many plans on our daughter's first birthday.

(And then I would expect he maybe changes his plans.)

M3 - I could relate to some of the things in your post:

Then a few days later it was a big martyr-like I guess I shouldn't go followed by a what would you do to me.

Hate that.

I didn't want to get sucked into the "M3's the bad guy and won't LET me do X" which is Mr.M3's mindset for any need M3 wants to have met.

Has caused me to do what you did many a time.


ETA: You'll just buy a ticket and go too? Did I miss the lol? I vote a big fat NO on that one.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 1:30 PM, March 7th (Monday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3: first of all...its his daughter's first birthday and he has no business being anywhere without her....although she probably wouldn't know the difference your other children would....his first priority needs to be his family...PERIOD....

tell him that you were wrong in what you said, that his place is with his family and he should have known that, and he needs to make that happen whichever way he chooses....PERIOD....

if he refuses to take the steps he needs to take as a family man...well there's a really blatant answer for you m3, and i am sorry..this is so not something you should have even dealt with....he should have know better....period...


allgood: it sucks, its hard and you will get through it.....getting used to a new way of life is scary shit....and none of us wants to be alone...but being alone is better then being in a relationship where we are not happy....

eta: no no and no....buying a ticket is not an answer...paddy is the priority, paddy and the family.....

and i would stick to making it all about family....the rest of it really does not matter because if it wasn't her birthday you already were fine with him going...the date is a huge coincidence...or is it???....and again its about paddy and family no matter what!!!

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 1:35 PM, March 7th (Monday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, in my own defense I didn't want to get sucked into the "M3's the bad guy and won't LET me do X" which is Mr.M3's mindset for any need M3 wants to have met.

This is an appropriate justification; we are not our spouse's parent.

I think that after the shock of dday we initially struggle mightily to regain some control in the M relationship. It is only with time, at least for me, that we realize the struggle is to gain some degree of control in our own lives, and to let the FWS live her or his life as he or she sees fit. We then decide if staying with our WS, as she or he lives her or his life is an asset or a detriment to our lives.

Family is an important part of our relationship for me. When you put your own desires ahead of participating in family events I feel that you do not consider my feelings and your family as important to you.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong:

how I should be thanking him for me being able to lose some weight. He's an idiot.

so i wonder, when you attact a new man in your life because the new man saw your new body and then got to know the real you and decided that all of you rocks as we all here already know....should you thank him for that one too....


idiot certainly defines him doesn't it..

gotta go pick up scrawny boy...he is home btw and i am a happy camper....

fri, dd leaves for ital...you will all have to console me big time....i will be torn between being so happy and being so worried....and i will not let her see or hear my worry...so all of you may have to talk me down from time to time...KKK


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, March 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M33,

Look at the big picture. You need to have this conversation with the awareness that:
1. You view your H's actions as selfish.
2. He will likely view your actions as controlling.
3. This is going to be a FAMILY issue every year. Baby Paddy will always have her March birthday, and there will always be NCAA playoffs. This problem needs to be resolved wisely, or both of you will trigger with resentment in future years.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
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