As the payor of alimony and CS to an XW that was a serial cheater (sex meetups with complete strangers), I hear you, loud and clear. She is better off financially than I am as a result of me forking over more than a third of my salary. I am her work slave.
It sucks, and the sense of entitlement is the most infuriating thing about it.
But, I'm slowly settling into a place, where all I can say is, "it is what it is, and she is who she is." I'm not going to sit around wasting my life waiting for her to develop a conscience.
There's comfort in this. I'm viewing it all like some hurricane that blew everything to shit, and now I'm just doing the best I can. Yes, I have some stuff to work out still, questions to answer about why I became entangled with this person to begin with. Just trying to live and learn. I'm not saying it's easy for me yet, but it's a hell of a lot easier than it was even 6 months ago.
Me and my wife got married young. Very young. At the time she was a virgin and I never had to deal with the thoughts of sharing her before she decided to run off on me.
We're trying to Reconcile, but I cant get the images of another man taking what was promised to me. Given only to me out of my head.
I know its immature, and I know if I hit the market there are no pristine girls left in the world. But I am having a huge difficulty dealing with it.
Anyone else have that problem? Anyone else overcome that problem?
I understand a piece of your situation and your feelings about virginity - to my knowledge my wife and I were each others' first as well (at least I'm sure on my side).
I would advise you to think of this in terms of that was then, this is now.
Try to look at your life from here forward. How much confidence and trust do you have in her from here on out? What is she doing to earn your trust? How do you compare that with your possibilities with a new person, or alone?
I've heard there are mental techniques of getting images out of your mind, but I'm not familiar with them.
Thanks for your service, by the way. If we lived in a just world your wife would be very humble and appreciative of you for the sacrifices you've made for your country. Your life actions appear to show you to be a man's man, how many other men (in the market you would be competing with you if you were to reenter the singles market) actually put things on the line in that manner? (As opposed to people who falsely claim to be Navy Seals in bars).
How employable are you in your current situation? Sometimes I find focusing on another area of your life besides relationships (work, hobbies), helps. You can obviously type and use a computer.
[This message edited by Ethelred at 10:19 AM, May 12th (Thursday)]
First of all, let me say this sucks. Second, former Navy doctor here. It was a different world when I was in. Left just after Desert Storm. So at least I get a little of your background.
Let me say this, WHY are you trying to reconcile with your WW? Not to put a sharp edge on this, but man, she screwed you in every way possible. Cold and calculating.
So I will assume that you are just like the rest of us saps - you still love her. But can you spend the rest of your life with her??
Do you want to get back into the military? Would your disability prevent it? You may have burned bridges, but short of striking a senior officer, most everything can be forgiven.
Anyway, that is not really the point. My point for you is to live for you now. You have to heal from her betrayal and calculated infliction of pain. And I am not sure how you will do that with her around. (Only you can decide that)
Get help for yourself. The VA has some pretty good counseling. Not sure where you are, but I bet there is a decent VA hospital nearby. Use them. Do the hard work of healing. Find other interests. Go back to school. VA benefits are FANTASTIC.
If you do focus on yourself, you will probably get negative blowback from WW. If that is the case, then you will know that she is in it for herself still, not for the collective "you." That might be enough to convince you to move on.
Sending you strength jarhead.
[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 10:08 AM, May 12th (Thursday)]
Reallyscrewedup7, I don't know the technical term for the surgery, but theyre going to reshaped my ballsocket of my shoulder just to get it to fit back in thedre properly among other things with it. That's just one part of my va pension. You said it best though, I am a sap.
[This message edited by therun at 2:53 PM, May 12th (Thursday)]
First, your wife is rugsweeping. Who cares if she's a doc, she's not supposed to diagnose herself. Reading your other posts it doesn't sound like she wants to R, it sounds like she just wants to get on with life.
Also, 22? Young. My wife had an affair about that age also. We did what your wife wants to do. Here I am again, and now I'm seeing a CBT counselor for PTSD and clinical depression. The only reason my M is still going is because FWW has been consistent in owning her shit and working on making it right for the year we have been here.
I don't know how to get over her being the only woman I've been with but not the other way around in a *good* R situation. In your shoes I think I'd lose my fucking mind.
You guys should get MC if you are going to R. If she pulls that bullshit with her degree again, ask her if she can fix your shoulder as well. People specialize in different areas, and a pediatrician couldn't fix your shoulder much better than she could. Unless she's specialized in marital and trauma work she shouldn't be telling you how to get past this shit, and it's obvious she isn't since she's not doing what she needs to be doing, from what your posts in JFO speak to.
It's rough man. Don't even try to get over the onlies thing until your R is going well, imo. One problem at a time.
Here what I realized - I constantly compete with my WW - at home I try to be better parent, smarter person, more physicality fit - you name it. I do similar things when we out - make fun of her (always seemed to me that those are innocent, but she felt otherwise) and argue with her on social, medical, political issues. To be fair, I argue with other people a lot as well, but they don't have to deal with me everyday ...
Our discussions with my WW get so bad, that we actually sometime wage a money bet to settle it ...
So I am wondering - is this normal, or I had some big issues even before A that I need to work on - like a low self esteem that I compensate by belittling others and my WW.
Do you guys compete with your W?
No. Not a good idea. However, you're smart to recognize it as a problem. Do you know what a "neg" is?
I am far out and still think D as my wife is broken.
You are not competing with your wife IMHO you are doing what needs to be done.
I have found so much irony in that I love my kids and do all I can and the real issue is my ww self esteem.
You do so much good but because she is broken she feels shitty that the kids love me and enjoy all I do.
IMHO you wife should be happy you do all you do and are not some slob sitting on the couch drinking beer and scratching yourself.
I believe at least in my wives case until see fixes her self esteem we will never have a real M and my only goal is to raise my kids and not tolerate one drop of BS from her ever again.
I tried fixing her. I tried MC, I forced IC for nothing.
She is gone and she has negated the contract I had with her not so much from the affair but the aftermath.
Until she gets some strength to fix herself my only goal is to minimize and destroy the destruction she has inflcited on the family me and our children.
Harsh but I honestly believe if you try any fixing it is doomed to failure.
I go back and look how I was during her LTA and she was just a selfish bitch. I did so much that she said she wanted.
New sheriff in town and how she feels about it is of little consequence to me.
To quote the awesome band Tool.
"I have been far too sympathetic"
[This message edited by lostcause111 at 1:41 PM, May 20th (Friday)]
I'm 2 1/2 years past D-Day, 1 year divorced, in IC the whole time. Last week I'm driving home from work and I realize I'm still straight up pissed still, after all this time. I'm pissed that I'm still pissed, still thinking about it. So I thought I'd look around and see if I'm a freak or not.
Looks like not so much. My hat's off to some of you guys dealing with so much crap; my situation isn't as bad as some of the stuff I've read out here. I'm happy and sad about that at the same time.
Like I said, I'm mostly relieved to find some men dealing with this same thing, going through the same things as me, battling the same as me. I'd like to put this story down, get it all off my chest. Is this the place for the long bitchy life story?
Edit: Also relieved to see all the 'don't give a fuck' strategies. Also, jjct's line about his bitch's compass cracked me up.
[This message edited by merryaugust at 2:33 AM, May 21st (Saturday)]
You're not a freak. I'm coming up on 3 years from D-day, my divorce final in January this year. She's still trying to finish me off with issues in the divorce decree. On top of that, I owe her over $3,000/month permanent alimony and another $1,500/month child support.
You don't say how long you were married or if you have children. For me, it was nearly 25 years, 3 kids, now 19, 17, 14. How can you not be pissed about so fundamental a betrayal, borne of entitlement, lies and selfishness?
That, plus the collateral damage to children, family, friends, your whole life, not be an anger issue?
You're okay. Its good you're in IC (me too). Keep at it. All you can do is crawl from the wreckage, pull those meaningful to you out too and build a new life. Not easy. But what's the alternative?
Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
Do I have a good life now? Hell yes! Now that I'm away from the misery she throws around.....
The real joke is, we're driving from san diego to minneapolis and ever since dday I've had horrible digestion problems. At first it was vommitting, now its horrible gas.
I never in my life thought that something as childish as stinking up a car for 2000 miles would make me feel a little better.. but it does. So fuck her.
When I went to the lawyer to write up the seperation doc, my 3 priorities were 1) custody of the kids, 2) no alimony, 3) dibs on the house. Everything else I'll trade, I told him. He wrote it like I asked. For the house I gave her 50% of market minus selling costs (painting, carpet, roof, etc).
She demanded 50% of market, plus a 10% premium on market, plus her downpayment of $10k. But she wants to be paid to be their 'nanny'. Didn't say anything about custody or the alimony. My lawyer (40 years in the busines) says take it - alimony will be way more in the long- and mid-terms. So I take it.
It was stories like Merlin's I wanted to avoid. Complete lack of justice. In Virginia, where I live, it's nearly impossible for a man to get custody, short of having a photograph of your ex going down on your actual family court judge. But that's only if she wants the kids. Which mine didn't. Just the free money.
So I'm happy to say I got what I wanted, insomuch as you can get what you want after getting royally fucked over. No alimony. No CS from her, and I have to pay her for "day-care". Cheaper than regular at least. Obviously I can't be pissed about this.
Outside of her paid day-care, she has the kids 10 hours a week - Sunday 11a-9p. Meanwhile she's found a new wallet, had her daddy buy her a new house, while I shoulder the responsibilities she helped create. Then she wants to know why I can't "get over it" and move on.
I HAVE moved on - to life as a single parent. But in another way I haven't moved on, because she is still too big a part of my life. I spend too much time being angry _at her_. Too much time worrying what plot she has in store for me next. And having to see her nearly every day is a real kick in the balls.
This is good venting, thanks!
[This message edited by merryaugust at 1:21 AM, May 23rd (Monday)]
To me, telling others of my XW's many betrayals would be an invasion of her privacy, and thus not very decent. It's not that I'm overly worried for her feelings; I want nothing to do with her. It's simply about respecting the privacy of a sick individual. We're in a small town, full of families, lots of gossip. I don't trust that it wouldn't spread.
On the other hand, keeping all that betrayal bottled up has been hard. It's like I've been living a lie. This heavy baggage inside that nobody gets to see.
I've actually told a very few select people. The response is basically, "I certainly understand why you left her." While that sort of sympathy is nice, I've felt little empathy for the pain, other than from SI members, and some from my therapist. But empathy from a therapist and from people I don't know here on SI only goes so far for me.
Just whining, I guess. Maybe in time this stone will finally pass through my system.
[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 3:07 PM, May 23rd (Monday)]
So empty in here I hear an echo. What happened? This thread used to be kicking!