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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 7
reallyscrewedup7
♂ Member
Member # 30825
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, April 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both times I was offered the free pass, I realized it was all about my WW controlling the situation. First time to get her out of her regret hole (not remorse) and the second time to help get me back by eliminating what she saw as the last obstacle to our R.

Both times, I laughed.

And SLHer, it is good she is worried. My WW (or FWW or whatever) certainly is. She does a lot of checking on me. She blew a gasket when she found out that a nurse often was at the pool over lunch with me (although we do nothing together except race 50 free - she is 28 and I am almost 49...) I told her she was free to come swim with me any time she wanted. My staff knows where to find me over lunch, so it couldn't be that hard for her...

Unless it gets obsessive, I just tolerate her insecurities for now. But it is definitely NOT payback. Nor do I see it that way. It is simply me finding other social interests outside my marriage. I am not screwing around, nor do I want to. I am however healing myself and increasing my personal happiness. And that is what I plan to do for the rest of my life.


Infidelity sucks shit

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Finding my way
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, April 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my FWW found out I had been hanging out with some woman shed prolly go ape shit.i certainly would if she was loungin around with another guy.
But honestly, I don't think there is anything wrong with me having casual female friend. I've never cheated once in my life.(in a relationship)
I don't hang out with women though as a courtesy to her. And also cuz I'm not real big on double standards.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
Mighty
♂ Member
Member # 26909
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 18th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rambling thoughts expanding on WALs ideas.....
Im more like WAL (at least in my head), Ive got no problems hurting back, and I use the psychology battering ram playing to what I believe is my strengths: Empathy and how people tick. My wife early on offered the hallpass. I rejected it using not so nice terms. However, I have no problems what-so-ever punching below the belt to gain a bit of empathy from a foggy WS. One of my support people is my assistant; a single, attractive 20 something female. It bothers my WW. She thinks I could (or at least thinks if we D, Id end up with her).

So, I play the irony card and let her battle herself much like Ive been through. I tell her the truth, which includes that I find this assistant good looking. I tell her I have boundaries in place and how those work. I tell her how damaged that person is too (also a WS/BS and lived in a BPD household with a SA). I tell her all those things and give her access just like Id expect from her. Sounds great right? This should build trust and security. Then Ive also told her what Ive learned from my WW: How to be underground, how to lie, how to gaslight yourself, how to justify, etc. She also knows this marriage is not secure, I notice the opposite sex more, etc.. She knows I could take or leave the marriage. She knows I do what I believe now as shes lost enough respect that she cant simply request and expect adherence. So, I leave her with her own fears.... I can easily see how she might believe Im just like her before she started having affairs.

It gets into my trust definition. Trust is nothing more than being able to predict future behavior. This prediction is based upon your experience and your experience with this other person on that issue. Her experience is different than mine, so she uses her own standards (which allows adultery). So, shes scared since shes now looking at the unknown, unpredictable future based on if I were him, what would I do? theory.

So, my theory is the only way for her to trust me is by fixing her own broken standards. Shes going to tear herself apart with anxiety and worry as long as the threat that Id be capable of a RA is real because thats what shed do. Shes going to have to convince herself I cant do that and make up some pretty convincing arguments. So, just starting to really think along those lines of why I would or wouldnt have an RA will have her reflecting on her own choices and finding the mistakes. I dont see that as a bad thing.


BS (me) 44 WS (her)43
Married 17yrs, Together 20 yrs
Three children (9-13)
D-Day #1 - 4/11/09 (me).. DD's stopped, she quit talking. Body count: 6 OM, 1 OW. (2 EA's, 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 3 "kisses").

Posts: 629 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Denver
Pocketdialed
Member
Member # 31687
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, April 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Timely topic for me. I'm now 6 weeks out from Dday #1 and 6 days from Dday #2. Needless to say, my WW offered the same stereotypical offer. I told her that I didn't think I could do that because I know it would likely mean more for me to deal with in my personal recovery, but if I did I would feel badly because of what it did to me, not what it did to her. I then reminded her that I was a healthy man with healthy appetites (other than food at the moment) and IF I felt the need to find a place to get those met I would have to deal with that situation when it arose, if you'll pardon the pun.

Now let her wonder about what's happening when I'm not in sight.

Edited to add: I also suggested that it would only come close to RA if it happened at a yet to be determined point in the future.

[This message edited by Pocketdialed at 11:09 AM, April 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2011
SadStorey
♂ New Member
Member # 26701
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, April 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for shifting gears here, but I just need to get this off my chest!

When I first married, I was an exceptional athlete. I was 6' 3 215lbs and former college wrestler. I had great health and physical fitness. I would work out often and compete in triathlons. I worked out about an hour each day for stress from teaching, life, etc. This was my routine.

Then dday...

I lost 30lbs, and then gained 80lbs while drinking a ton, the "typical free fall." Well, I have since stopped drinking, been to counseling and have healed up nicely. Until today...

I have started training for triathlons again, lifting and just finished coaching my High Schools wrestling team. Well, today I had all the old "feelings" release again today. I never realized how much I use to think about "us" and our "future" while working out. I had a flood of emotions and even remembered what happened on dday. I have never blacked out every in my life before or since that day. I finally remember throwing; my at the time father in law, to the ground in a rage while driving to the OM's house. My former father in law was about 6' 8" 290 mechanic/towing company owner. He was one big guy. I never remembered that moment until today while lifting!

So, my point is that I can never seem to get rid of this bitch

Back to the counselor to talk things out and reclaim my workout time back for myself! Any suggestions on reclaiming my old habbits or experiences with this?


Me-BS 28
Her-WS 24
Dated 3 years, then engaged a year.
Married 7/18/09
Dday(my bday also) 8/27/09
Divorced 12/14/09
Began affair prior too and during the marriage.
No kids...just my Doghter

Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Michigan
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, April 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told her that I didn't think I could do that because I know it would likely mean more for me to deal with in my personal recovery, but if I did I would feel badly because of what it did to me, not what it did to her.

Exactly! I'm more concerned with doing something for myself than doing something to get back at her. It wasn't always like that. Over the years I've learned to count the possible mental and emotional long-term cost to myself.

So, my point is that I can never seem to get rid of this bitch

Back to the counselor to talk things out and reclaim my workout time back for myself! Any suggestions on reclaiming my old habbits or experiences with this?

Sorry to be cliche but time, for the most part, will erode those bad memories. That flood of emotions you mentioned will linger and then eventually fade.

Today I heard a song that upset me very much. All these sad emotions bubbled up and kicked my butt. I cranked out some raunchy Johnny Winter tunes at top volume and was good as new.

The point is when those mind movies come,they need to be replaced with something that makes you feel better. At least that's what I've learned to do.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any suggestions on reclaiming my old habbits or experiences with this?

Getting slammed in the middle of exercise is kinda harsh, yea.

Taking them to new and different places can help. New gym, rearrange your equipment, different routes to walk/commute, different places to hang out, maybe try a different genre of books/movies/games/music etc to accompany what you're taking back. Same shit different way. It can help some.


Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.

Posts: 7107 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, April 30th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try boxing?
Several wimmens on here have reported success with a heavy bag, especially with a sharpied-on likeness of the OP.

You could do the weights, or wrestling first, burnin all the glycogen, then go all aerobic and burn fat on the bag.

(note to self; at 5'7ish, 155, never piss off Storey!)
Aside from blackout-type anger, which I hope has faded with time, it helped me to go ahead and embrace it/experience it (anger, sadness, etc). It just made sense in my sitch to "get through it" that way. It felt like I wasn't short-circuiting the process by pushing stuff away.
Sure, ok, it took awhile - I did avoid the "when will I get through this" thoughts, and just let it come when it wanted to. Less pressure. But I think my residence in crazytown was somehow necessary(?) for my healing, and I'm pretty well established in the suburbs of Idontgiveashitsville.

Just head out of town and take a right on fuckyou highway. Pedal to the metal.

*This message has been approved by pretty girls, angels, and me*
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Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, May 4th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

been a while since i was last around... which i guess shows that things have been looking up for me.

End of this month i start the D process, and you know what, it doesnt bother me at all. Actually i now prefer the D solution to any other.

Financially things are still screwed up, but meh.

Im feeling pretty self confident these days, just ran a first marathon, and looking positively towards the year ahead.

lads, things do get better, it justs takes that damn four letter word, time....


Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
heartbrkn0209
♂ Member
Member # 31679
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I go thru the divorce process, im just wondering aloud why dont more married women cheat?

What is there really for them to lose?

Let me recap

Your WW gets to lie and sleep with people behind your back hoping you never find out

If you do one day find out, she sits back while you have to be the one to file for divorce

She gets to lie to everyone around her about what really happened

She knows the no-fault court system doesnt care if she slept with 1 or 100 people

She knows the court doesnt care if your really her kids father or not

She keeps kids with her and refuses to return vehicle that is in your name and financed by you only saying its community prop that the court needs to figure it out

She really is able to let loose regarding her sleeping around since there is no longer a husband to question her

She asks for spousal and child support

She asks you to pay her legal fees

She gets to keep your last name if she wants to and there is nothing you can do about it

Her income is just icing on the cake and allows her to travel and party while you struggle

Her family backs her 100% based upon her telling them that you "just left one day and filed for divorce"

She gets to eventually meet another idiot who thinks she is in love with him and settles down with him and remarries. this guy is now called "dad" by your kids

On the weekends that the kids are with you she gets to take weekend trip to vegas or have sex and sleep over OP house

yes, it makes me wonder why dont all women do this? is it simply their moral compass? because the pros outweigh the cons in most cases

[This message edited by heartbrkn0209 at 5:19 PM, May 6th (Friday)]


Me: BH
Her: XWW
Married to XWW for over 16 years
Together for 19 years. 3 Kids
D-day Feb 2011. Divorced 6mo later
No multiple D-Days for me
She was having sex w a married man and several women in our home and at motel rooms. No remorse, just lies

Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbrkn0209)))
My silly little ephemeral so-called answer would be that the women and men who don't cheat disagree that the pros outweigh the cons.
They're not ruled by their little heads first of all, maybe because in many cases they see a life beyond this life.
I remember telling my first wife - suppose you could have the world's greatest sex your entire life with the op, and suppose you lived to be 100.

Sounds good, except when you think about it...that's it. That's the only life you get.
Sounds like a poor trade-in for eternity.
The cons definitely outweigh the pros, hangin my hat on that.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
heartbrkn0209
♂ Member
Member # 31679
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, May 6th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That only applies if the WW believes in a God and a heaven and hell. My WW doesnt

My WW didnt have a moral compass

I go to church but I wonder why God would want me to go thru this.


Me: BH
Her: XWW
Married to XWW for over 16 years
Together for 19 years. 3 Kids
D-day Feb 2011. Divorced 6mo later
No multiple D-Days for me
She was having sex w a married man and several women in our home and at motel rooms. No remorse, just lies

Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2011
whajushppn
♂ New Member
Member # 31968
Funny  Posted: 11:21 AM, May 8th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbrkn0209
I am completely with you aside from 1 difference. I no longer care. All of the Pro's mentioned only lead that woman to another and another and another empty relationship.... For me, it has led to self awareness and the possibility of a new life I never could have imagined. I look at it like a nuclear explosion. If you know when and where it is going to detonate, then you would do your very best to get the hell away from it and watch the mushroom cloud from the rearview mirror feeling sorry for the poor bastards that stick around at ground zero. Its their own fault. The woman I married and now divorcing is that atom bomb. A cold death dealer unable to feel or empathize. Can I reason with something that is unreasonable? HELL NO! so why waste the time?

I also have children with this person. So I have accepted the role that circumstance has given me. To be the best father I can be given the time I have with them. My children are young but I know one day they will understand but today they shouldn't, they need to focus on being kids. I am a fireman constantly putting out her "fires" in regards to the children. It is frustrating, it makes me angry but it is a wonderful feeling knowing I can overcome the temptation to play that same game. It is an opportunity to teach my children lessons about reality and understanding themselves and the world around them while eliminating all the bad feelings and thoughts that skew that perception that she loves to expose them too. My X is one hell of an "arsonist" LOL!

I really hope this helps, I have to remind myself everyday, sometimes every hour, its a process and it takes time. It gets easier. Things may be OK, things may not be OK but I know I will be OK no matter what.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 8th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI wha - you've hit on a very excellent "pro" to come out of this - you, me, we become better.
I know I have! I really like who I am, who I've become through all of this.

The 'con' for the unremorseful seems to be a never-ending repetition, a lather rinse repeat of the same old toxic stew.
No thanks!
The view from the rearview is the boomcloud the cold-souled set off...not even her btw!

That only applies if the WW believes in a God and a heaven and hell. My WW doesnt

Damn. She ought to, seeins how much hell she created.
:)
Pascal's wager.


My WW didnt have a moral compass

The counselor I saw said the same thing @ mine. For some reason, it just stuck with me. Not in a real good way either. Why not just say she doesn't have morals? Seems to soft-pedal...
If she did have a compass, the only way it pointed to was other men's dicks.


I go to church but I wonder why God would want me to go thru this.

Hang in there brother. I have wondered this. something something something patience.
I am apparently in need of alot of patience.

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 9th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you are exactly right hb0209-my buddy now lives in a camper-his WW quit her job due to "stress" from D, now he pays CS, her house payment, car payment, etc etc.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, May 9th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How in the fuck can the court system be so fucked up to allow that to happen! It's beyond comprehension.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, May 9th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've come to believe that the court system evolved to the way it is because (mostly) guys just want to lighten their work load. It aint justice, it's just an easier job.

Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Ethelred
♂ Member
Member # 23332
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, May 9th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After getting a taste of how hellish a relationship with a spouse can become are these relationships even worth it?

I'm not saying sex isn't worth it per se, I enjoy that.

But my 7 year old daughter met me at the door when I came home from work and told me she loves me and misses me - she and the other kids have tremendous meaning to me.

However, aside from the kids, part of me wants to move somewhere that I can find the cheapest, safe place I can live alone in, take a beginning art class and learn to paint landscapes with "happy trees" in them.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Married: almost 20 years
D-Day: 2009 (cybersex for over 5 years, associated EAs); in the dark about PAs, no full disclosure.

Posts: 271 | Registered: Mar 2009
heartbrkn0209
♂ Member
Member # 31679
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, May 9th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ethel - in my opinion, no its not worth it. Not even close to being worth it.

As far as sex goes. i had no sex drive for 2 months after d-day. That and the loss of appetite and weight probably attributed to by some PTSD-like response.

i have no idea when Ill have sex with a woman again but thats the least of my worries right now.

[This message edited by heartbrkn0209 at 7:17 AM, May 10th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH
Her: XWW
Married to XWW for over 16 years
Together for 19 years. 3 Kids
D-day Feb 2011. Divorced 6mo later
No multiple D-Days for me
She was having sex w a married man and several women in our home and at motel rooms. No remorse, just lies

Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2011
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, May 10th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ethelred-it's wayyyyy too high a price to pay, as long as I still have hands.

ahhh, the wisdom that comes with age-sure wish I could talk to that stupid kid, tell him not to buy the fucking cow...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
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