Assuming that most here have never cheated on your WW, what did you do different than her?
I would have to say value-I valued the M, she did not, & still doesn't, IMO.
Velveteer, I totally agree that's it important your WW figures out the reason for herself. You and your children are going to have a lifelong relationship with her and its in everyone's best interest she tries to fix herself.
I to have kids and went the total conventional approach as well (WW had to be regretful, No contact with the OM's, hard boundaries, IC, marriage counseling,etc).
the why does matter insofar as it will affect the what, if that makes sense
That absolutely makes sense and I totally understand your concern and worry for your family/kids.
The Why has changed as my WW has gone through IC and grown. There's been plenty of conversations where we've challenged each other but ultimately there's nothing she'll ever be able to say to make it okay or right to me.
WAL's cartoon is about acceptance, its happened. You get to choose if that's too much. If it is, no shame in that.
For me, during this entire ordeal the only thing that has every brought me to rage is that I've been forced to make decisions I never wanted to or felt I never should have had to make. For a long time the why and the decisions, I had to make were so intertwined, I think I confused or merged the two.
The only thing I can say for sure is that I'm glad I found SI and was able to see a lot of different viewpoints I had never considered.
Saturday night, date night, we see Sucker Punch. I understood it at a gut level. Thatís me... Somewhere in this futility and surrounded by insanity and unreasonableness.. I find my own nobility, a cause, and I rally in my head... Itís all I can do... face these monsters, deal with them, and find my own self-esteem in it all.
Half a league, half a league, Half a league onward, All in the valley of Death Rode the six hundred. "Forward the Light Brigade! Charge for the guns!" he said. Into the valley of Death Rode the six hundred.
Forward, the Light Brigade!" Was there a man dismay'd? Not tho' the soldier knew Some one had blunder'd. Theirs not to make reply, Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do and die. Into the valley of Death Rode the six hundred.
Cannon to right of them, Cannon to left of them, Cannon in front of them Volley'd and thunder'd; Storm'd at with shot and shell, Boldly they rode and well, Into the jaws of Death, Into the mouth of hell Rode the six hundred.
Flash'd all their sabres bare, Flash'd as they turn'd in air Sabring the gunners there, Charging an army, while All the world wonder'd. Plunged in the battery-smoke Right thro' the line they broke; Cossack and Russian Reel'd from the sabre-stroke Shatter'd and sunder'd. Then they rode back, but not, Not the six hundred.
Cannon to right of them, Cannon to left of them, Cannon behind them Volley'd and thunder'd; Storm'd at with shot and shell, While horse and hero fell, They that had fought so well Came thro' the jaws of Death, Back from the mouth of hell, All that was left of them, Left of six hundred.
When can their glory fade? O the wild charge they made! All the world wonder'd. Honor the charge they made! Honor the Light Brigade, Noble six hundred!
WW, by contrast, was mildly depressed for a few weeks nearly a year into our false R -- and her solution was to shitcan the marriage. No effort, no backward glances, no regrets -- she just walked out to "find herself." Not her words, but they seem appropriate enough for me.
Finallyatpeace, I'm pretty sure my WW will never do the work to figure out what happened. She's still living a morality play in which I supposedly squelched her for 11 years and denied her her individuality and true "emotional self." (And those pretty much are her words.) No, I wasn't a perfect husband -- but I didn't think we had any problems we couldn't fix together. Apparently I was alone in that belief.
Yes, WW is in IC, but if I'm reading the tea leaves correctly, her therapist is validating for all she's worth -- for instance, by dismissing WW's voices-over-the-Internet batshittery (see my profile) as "temporary emotional instability." Well, that's at least one word right out of three.
After what you did I can't stay on
And I'll probably feel a whole lot better
When you're gone
The only thing she can do to save the situation is to face up to herself and make the changes she needs to make. The past cannot be undone and acceptance is the only way forward for everyone. I am accepting that this had happened - doesn't mean I like it or that I forgive it, just that I accept that it happened.
Its what happens now that matters, and my patience with her is fast running out. I know there is no shame in whatever route I choose and I know that it will be my choice.
Today however, my new friend anger is back, all dressed up and ready to party. I'm not sure, but I quite like him (or is it her?). He's at least energetic.
Mighty: Yeah, I've heard the "sheís told all... thereís no one else" conversation. After D-day 1, WW actually laid her right hand on a Bible and swore on her life that there had been only one A. That of course was a total lie. Delusional doesn't begin to describe it.
There's nothing insane about accepting the cards you've been dealt. It's when you pretend you have a royal flush instead of nothing, that the mind might not be functioning properly.
Somewhere in this futility and surrounded by insanity and unreasonableness.. I find my own nobility, a cause, and I rally in my head... Itís all I can do... face these monsters, deal with them, and find my own self-esteem in it all.
Perhaps the official hero for all betrayed men stuck with a WW who refuses to grow up should be Don Quixote, who jousted at the windmills of his mind.
After D-day 1, WW actually laid her right hand on a Bible and swore on her life that there had been only one A. That of course was a total lie. Delusional doesn't begin to describe it.
mine swore on her mother's life-then her mom died shortly after...karma?
The preacher who M'd us committed suicide around Xmas-can I now get an annullment?
I accept this, embrace the injustice of it all, and plod forward in this dented, rusted out, shit filled suit of armor..
[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 1:24 PM, March 30th (Wednesday)]
But, here is what i have learned as the result of compulsively reading about this stuff and talking to other men about their experiences:
1) This wife cheating deal is incredibly more prevalent than I would have ever imagined.
2) Seems many betrayed spouses, initially, feel like they caused it to happen and feel that any imperfection they displayed in the marriage may have justified the cheating.
3) once the initial effects odf the trauma wears off, anger and resentment set in such that it is almost impossible to reconcile successfully unless you have an exceptional cheater and you are exceptionally forgiving, many standard deviations from what is typical in people.
4) very few cheaters come back in the future and own their shit and accept that they were not justified. Yet, on some level, many of us still believe that will happen.
5) If you look carefully into a cheater's background, perhaps via access to her old acquaintences or even, sometimes. sympathetic family memebers, you will find that this type of behavior is a pattern for them.
6) Many cheaters are well along the conntinuum to a full blown personality disorder.
I think the thiong that took me the longest time to accept was that imperfection or deficiency by the betrayed in the marriage was not the reason for the cheating. In most cases, not all, the cheater was the cheater had caused the majority of issues in the marriage pre -A.
I marvel at the ability of some of you guys to hang in there iin the hopes that your wife will stop abusing you. Many guys are doing this for the kids.
I never knew wommen were as predatory and cruel as I can now see they are.
I've read a lot about BPD andred flags. I've dated , some, and the number of women that display the earmarks of a personality disorder is frightening. I would say tah 75% of the women I have been out with have either cheated on a spouse or boyfriend or been an OW. And , most of them do not see it as a big deal.
By reading this particular forum, the Betrayed Men forum, I have also seen that the victims of these women are , for the most part,good men, communicators with good senses of humor and lots of talent and intelligence.
I have sen how girls in our society and culture are raised to feel entitled and expect their husbands to be responsible for their happiness, and how they resent having to be responsible for their own happiness, in many cases.
guys, watch OUT for kite! Shit-stirrer extraordinaire!!!!
just thankful he's not playing wif my thumb
any u guys like to play chess? I'll even take on gurlz lurkin an wantin to
chess wif me. BRINGITON