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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men-Part 7
keepyourheadup
♂ Member
Member # 30513
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Merlin-

Could you divorce her based on "cause"? I know that could be very difficult to prove an Affair, but maybe that will help your standing? Moreover, could you fight harder for custody? Merlin, you need to show the courts how you have been a victim of her actions. She cannot win...


Posts: 146 | Registered: Dec 2010
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you actually go to court or get snowed by a settlement agreement? She should not be able to take you for that much even here in NJ, if she is working and you were divorced at fault for her adultery. I have not seen a court order that bad before, that is terrible man.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could you divorce her based on "cause"? I know that could be very difficult to prove an Affair, but maybe that will help your standing? Moreover, could you fight harder for custody? Merlin, you need to show the courts how you have been a victim of her actions. She cannot win

KYHU,

I did file for cause - infidelity. But in a no-fault state, its meaningless.

The affair was proven beyond doubt. I had detectives who had everything. It does not matter.

I fought for custody too. Alternate weeks is the best I could do.

As for the court seeing me (or anyone) as a victim, I had to give up on the ideas of 'right', 'fair', 'just', or even sensible in favor of what's legal.

It took me months to get that the system is completely crazy. But that's just how it works.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1106 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIaL,

She’s been ‘out’ since D-day (August 2008). Everyone knows. She’s completely cold about all this.

It really is amazing to find that the woman you were married to for almost 25 years is no one you know or would choose to ever meet. But that’s how it is.
Alimony reform is something I’m looking for. No luck yet.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1106 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
keepyourheadup
♂ Member
Member # 30513
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Merlin. Maybe if you can just fight a little harder and get custody, that will prevent the child support. Prove to the courts that your kids are in a good school, balanced environment, and do not wish to relocate them. This can be tramatic to the children. Is there anything you can prove that your wife's been a unfit mother?

Posts: 146 | Registered: Dec 2010
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One friend of mine has D'd twice-cost him $250k each time-that's half a mil over the last 20 yrs...
He says divorce is so costly because it's worth it.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says divorce is so costly because it's worth it.

64fleet,

I can only hope that I feel that way one day. Perhaps its worth it, but it is no bargain.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1106 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you actually go to court or get snowed by a settlement agreement? She should not be able to take you for that much even here in NJ, if she is working and you were divorced at fault for her adultery. I have not seen a court order that bad before, that is terrible man.

StillGoing,

I'll show you mine then. She makes $97,000/yr as a state worker (gold plated everything). Yes, I do better than that. But with a lot of risk and volatile income (now way down).

We went the distance, including a full trial. 30 months from filing to decree. Seven months from trial to decree.

Some of what's wrong is that neither the court nor the lawyers have any idea how to compare the income of a self-employed person to a W-2 person.

The rest of it is just really bad law, precedents and process.

As for backdating alimony and child support to the trial, it appears to be arbitrary. They could have gone back to filing or initiating with the decree. They chose something in the middle.

As to where I come up with $31,500 to pay it, that's an unimportant detail to them.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1106 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

damn merlin, you are screwed-this is the reason I stay M'd-just another 13 yrs ta go...my only advice is to leave the country.

64Fleet,

Were it not for my children, I would have already fugitized.

[This message edited by Merlin at 10:46 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday)]


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1106 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merlin,

I have no words. This completely sucks.

Next time some one says anything about the *cost of happiness* you can say you know EXACTLY how much that it is.

Razor


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3086 | Registered: Sep 2007
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The idea of this kind of brutal alimony is that the woman is helpless, could never make it on her own financially, and made such tremendous sacrifices that her future earnings power was decimated.

Clearly, abso-fuckin-lutely NOTHING about that is true in your case. Not only that, she's with a significant other, right? She gets to share some of his earnings power, right? Are they living together?

My blood is starting to boil. Nothing gets me going like the sense of entitlement some support receivers have. I get so damned mad.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 11:12 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she's with a significant other, right? She gets to share some of his earnings power, right? Are they living together?

OIaL,

She's with him, but he's an unemployed, multiple DUI lowlife. But he (country) dances good I guess. So his earning power is not so hot. He does drive the Mercedes we bought for her 50th birthday though. Sweet!

They live together when my kids aren't staying with her. She's in a two-bedroom apartment. The court doesn't think much of her space when children are there, much less him.

Don't let your blood boil. I cooked my brain over this. Now I'm just numb. That's enough collateral damage in this disaster.

[This message edited by Merlin at 11:19 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday)]


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1106 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew we had it bad here in NJ but thought they were supposed to look at both parties income. WTF. I'd rather go to jail. I don't know what to say man.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7116 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
DFWMovieGeek
♂ Member
Member # 28854
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feel your pain Merlin, I am really starting to despise this system that so unfairly favors women. You cheat you don't deserve anything. This entitlement is such bs. you bust your ass, take care of your kids, carry the stress of the marriage, follow the vows of the marriage, and you are made to suffer.

Hang in there.


Me BH-42
Her WS-38
Married for 7 years
Together for 11 years
1 daughter, 4 yrs old
D-Day #1 06/19/10 (Guy 1)
D-Day #2 01/24/11 (Guy 2)

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merlin,

If your XW made her whole financial identity around her husband, then you'd think she would feel a responsibility to find a new husband that could pay her bills after ditching you. This woman deserves to fall, and fall hard.

I've got a question for you. Which upsets you more, the fact that she cheated on you, or that she is destroying you financially?

I trigger like crazy when I read posts from BW who describe how they mauled their WH in divorce court. Don't get me wrong, I'm OK with some punishment in the settlement as a result of adultery. But even the BW can be overly cruel in divorce court. I think the harm of a crippling settlement ranks right up there with the harm of adultery. It's just as sinful.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 12:54 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIaL,
Which upsets you more, the fact that she cheated on you, or that she is destroying you financially?

Both. The shock and pain of the emotional part of the betrayal does fade. Its been since August ’08 after all. The financial part is infuriating. She’s doing it because she wants to, she’s being encouraged to (by Mr. lowlife and her scum buddies) and because, under the law, she can.

Its our kids that will pay the price of all this. And that is not forgivable. She could have left in many other ways, still gotten alimony and child support and not traumatized everyone along with what will surely compormise their futures. She chose napalm. Now everyone is trying to crawl from the wreckage.

DFWMovieGeek

I am really starting to despise this system that so unfairly favors women. You cheat you don't deserve anything. This entitlement is such bs. You bust your ass, take care of your kids, carry the stress of the marriage, follow the vows of the marriage and you are made to suffer.

In theory, man or woman, or the higher income earner is the one with the target on them. Not sure how it goes in practice.
It is a broken system for everyone. But, like you, I get upset when I see (it seems to me mostly BW's) do a superiority dance when a WH gets it. Also like you, while you don't give a betrayer any slack, revenge is never a good motivation.

[This message edited by Merlin at 12:30 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday)]


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1106 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Mr. Kite
♂ Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

State Resources in New Jersey for Fathers
http://fatherhood.about.com/od/newjersey/State_Resources_in_New_Jersey_for_Fathers.htm

New Jersey Fathers Rights Law Firms
http://www.lawyers.com/Fathers-Rights/New-Jersey/browse-law-firms-by-city.html

The Men's Center
http://themenscenter.com/National/national06.htm


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr. Kite,

Thank you. My problems are less with custody than becoming a court ordered indentured servant. Clearly being impoverished (or in jail) will compromise my role as a father.

I will exhaust these sites though.

Much appreciated.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1106 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know one guy who quit-he quit his job, sold all his equipment, truck etc-now he works for cash only, lives in a camper, owns nothing.
He says if he's gotta be poor, he ain't paying her shit...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, February 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got back from a 45 monute meeting with XW. I (calmly) told her what would happen if she went for it all right now.

It was like talking to someone where 'the lights are on but nobody's home'. I did start child support by handing her a check.

Who is this woman?


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1106 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
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