Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quiet day, tribe. Hope everyone is out having FUN!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.visitplymouthnc.com/Walking%20Tour.pdf

Look at the top of page 3.

It's a long debated question whether Jesus forgave Judas.

http://www.thedivinemercy.com/news/story.php?NID=2455&PLID=73

We simply don't know.

Anyway, my 9 year old read the thing at the top in his Ripley's book and to him it was so obvious that of course that one would be struck down -- since Judas BETRAYED christ...


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've zipped to the links m33, but it doesn't resonate with me. It means about as much as Sevenoaks becoming “Oneoak” after the 1987 storm. Anything significant about that one oak left standing, although damaged? Nope. Chance and good roots. Judas just proved that everyone has a price. Esp if you think you won't be caught out. And that the only person you really betray in the end is yourself. He is a portrayal of man's inherent weaknesses. But I don't really know what I'm talking about - so I'll shut up now!!

Hmm, I’ve re-read my post - not really sure what I was trying to convey there…… esp as FWH has said over and again lately that “people always revert to type”. Now, while he was referring to accountants not wanting to stray outside the box, risk takers not being happy by restrictive measures, etc, I am wondering if he believes this to be true for everyone. How can he change in the marriage if he believes that? Anyway, I won’t be reverting back to STUPID.

I know I’m going way, way back here (sorry, I’ve been away….. ) but on page 34, njgal said

If it were me...and I was away from home and very sick...who would I call? who would I want to be by my side?

If I have a long, drawn out and painful death, I don’t want anyone there. Actually, I’d rather go to Switzerland and book in to the Dignitas clinic. With a friend who was willing to be my death-buddy. My BIL’s wife died eleven days ago. The hospice couldn’t control her pain and I wonder if they did the kindest thing and upped the medication to the max until she died from the combination of cancer, starvation and overdose of morphine. She died much sooner than expected. My BIL couldn’t cope most of the time during her illness and was distraught when he took her skeletal body to be showered a few days before her death. None of the family are “copers”. H could be a KISA in the immediate aftermath of dday, but he was in control to a large degree. As long as I was on the floor and not chucking him out, he could cope. But I don’t think I would want him at my side, holding my hand or stroking my forehead. Or crying. I swore he would never see me out of control ever again, he would never hear me beg or plead or cry for him. And the same goes for if I was very sick. I’d rather have a nurse or a friend and see him again when I was better or at least well on the way to recovery. I will never lose my dignity in front of him again. Ever. One fucking great wall there, eh?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and thanks for the update on Baby Paddy, you know she feels like a little SI niece cos we’ve all known her since before she was born!
Although everyone needs a bath after and I have to mop, LOL, so it's best left for right before time to get ready for bed...
Best time for all messy activities!

Lookingforlove, I’ve read over your posting and take it that your H is walking off into the sunset with OW. When I read the first one about him getting shirty about you staying out until 1.30am (good for you!!) it made me think he was acting a bit like a kid – you remember - when you sort out the toy box to send to charity all the stuff they stopped playing with. Suddenly you get “but I want that and I play with it all the time” What? This thing that you’ve ignored for at least a year since you got the newer, better version? Yep. Just like that. They want it because they are about to lose it. It’s about possessing, that’s all. He can’t stand that you’ve taken YOUR life BACK. And, of course everyone else is right in their surmisings. And the thing is the Katie Coston opinion that we all share – it ain’t gonna work for them in the long term. It is a shallow relationship based on lies. They tell each other what they want to hear. That’s why he is her KISA. They can’t or don’t want to see each other as they really are.

I’m going to send you a few paragraphs from her book (yes, I read it. As a BS, I’m not supposed to, but I reckoned 3yrs after I gave it to FWH, I should, so I did!) Stay strong. Your WH is an idiot. But I think you know that.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:42 PM, February 10th (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks UKgirl...look forward to the getting the paragraphs....


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats, oh wow. Those notes must have been painful for you. But, like the others, I’d say you are not to take it personally, this was pure venting. And we all need to get the pressure off and let out a tirade. I do it in my journal – and I keep it password protected and FWH knows I have an elephantine memory for passwords, pin numbers, phone numbers, even his colleagues kids names who I have never met …… so I’m pretty safe. And I keep the passwords (just in case I should lose my memory – LOL!) in an innocuous doc and I don’t include the word “password” so he can’t even word search the doc. If he were to read them, he would die from the verbal slashing. I read his poetry to and about MOW. That hurt a lot He meant it when he wrote it, but I wonder if, once it was out of his system, he had released those emotions and could get on with everyday life.

Okay tribe, no time for more. Hugs to you all. Gonna get myself a glass of Chablis.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:18 PM, February 10th (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKGirl - my uncle was captured at the fall of Singapore & spent the rest of the war as a POW - Changi, Burma railway etc. He doesnt talk about it much but when he does its all about what they had to do & had to endure to survive until they could return home to a new life.
It is the same for us on SI, we do what we have to, to survive this experience of infidelity so that we can rebuild our lives.

[This message edited by deeppurple at 3:55 PM, February 10th (Thursday)]


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
sadallthetime
♀ Member
Member # 26845
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No Fun - you have a PM


Me-BW 60 now, FWH 64 now, 2 adult kids
DD#1 7-21-09 11 yr. affair w OW 30 yrs. younger who is an "escort". DD#2 7-23-09 Long Term EA with mutual friend DD#3 10-3-09 1 1/2 yr PA with escort #2 DD#4 10 yr. EA w/old GF

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DeepPurple: I'm sorry to hear that your uncle was a POW. That's amazing that he was able to recover from something like that.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl, It's good to see you again. We missed you!!
I'm sorry about your BIL's wife and that it seemed she suffered.
Thank you for sharing your father's experiences. There are times people do things that are not in their nature in order to survive. The veterans who talk about the war a lot really didn't see all the horrors and action. Those who did don't want to talk about it.
My father became a Master Sargeant at the age of 22 in the Korean War. When I was younger, I joked, "Who died and left you boss?" And he very quietly and sadly answered, "That's exactly what happened" It seems almost his whole platoon was killed around him and he and a few others survived. My father also didn't talk much about his war experiences.
Deep Purple, to be a POW was a horrendous ordeal, I'm glad your uncle survived.

Strongish, thank you for the compliment. I hope I can help anyone, everyone here has helped me so much.

Nofun, voodoo dolls!! Now that's an idea!! I did a similar thing last time I went bowling. I picured the head pin as WH's head!! Needless to say, I bowled very well that day!

WH has been texting me instead of calling, thank God!! Much easier to detach. So when he texts "I love you", it's easier to ignore and change the subject.

Still getting the anxiety attacks and going to the doctor tomorrow to rule out anything else. Oh well.

UKgirl reminded me that I didn't answer who I wanted by my side at my deathbed. Probably my oldest son. When DS 12 was born, they let him in to sit with me and WH in the labor room because he was an EMT. (and 23 at the time) DS was telling jokes and everyone was laughing. It was more like a party! When the time came for DS12 to enter the world, WH and oldest DS left the room.

I wouldn't want WH to be my health proxy. He also has little or no empathy, although he seems to pretend he does or he has some..... Oldest DS knows what I want and will honor it no matter what.

{{{tribe}}


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many posts to read....

Strongish and Allgood-
about R after LTAs.
It is really hard to do.
The most important ingredient is an EXTREMELY remorseful WS who is willing to go overboard in trying to save the marriage.
A so-so response is not going to cut it.
That may be why you are responding the way you are.

The LTAs were extreme! Having a LTA is extreme behavior....so, the only way to make amends is with extreme measures.
Half hearted attempts will not be enough.

My husband has done backflips to win me back.
Immediately after d-day he wnet NC. He got sober. He went AA. We were separated and I was filing for divorce and he could have gone out drinking with the MOW every day..but, he didn't.
He went to IC 2x per week instead.
He sent me emails every day begging for me to forgive him and begging for me to take him back.
He showed real remorse.

He knew that I had told everyone about the LTA-our kids, family, friends, his co-workers, MOWs husband, his boss.
And still he persevered.
He contacted our kids and family members and apologized to them for hurting me in this way.

He distanced himself from all of his toxic friend from the past.
He showered me with flowers, gifts, jewelry etc.

Big gestures....

and even with all of that it took me years... to get over the LTA...
I'm still not at 100% acceptance.
I still see an IC.
I still have an occasional trigger.

It's a long hard journey even with a very remorseful WS.

If you're getting a ho-hum response from your WS... that makes R even more difficult.


Looking- the one thing that struck me was that you are implementing the 180 and yet in one of your posts you wrote about telling him to heat up leftovers for dinner!
You should not be worrying about cooking dinner for him at all! Forget about hovering over him.
I am R with my husband and I don't cook dinner anymore!
He does all the cooking....
Like I said before..after d-day...all bets are off and all the rules have changed in the NJ household!

Nothing is the same as before.

Hugs to all....
Miracle ..hang in there... those teen years will be over soon...

Honest- continue putting yourself first.

Laura- glad to hear hubby is putting you first now.


UKgirl-
sorry that you do have that wall up....
I do believe that death bed question does give us persective as to how we feel about our spouses.

Like I said before when I described my friend (also a BS but dealing with a child from the LTA)and her feelings when she faced a real health emergency. She did not want her husband called. She did not want him with her when she breathed her dying breath. (Those were her own words).
So, sad because she continues to cohabit the same house with him.
Not sure how they are doing this...especially since there are no children in the house anymore...

but, her story made me think...and my feeling was that I would definitely want (and need) my husband to be at my side in my time of need.

so, I guess that does say something about our R.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

first and foremost:

fun do tell us how to make these voodoo dolls....would love to give it a go...


good to seee ukgirl: i am sorry to hear of your loss....it sucks when people have to suffer their way out of this world...

i found your post very interesting to say the least....people become who they need to become in the moment...

now who do i need to become:

a younger single version of myself....yup thats who i need to become...the only issue with this one, is i do not know where to find the fountain of youth to turn back the clock....the single part is easier...


seriously though....i do believe this concept, we have all witnessed it with pretty much everyone we know...people change who they are for the most part around different people...adaptation at its best....

we are all different with different people...


laura: rent the movie "mousetrap"...and picture ow living in that same house....


life in the miracle house is quite volatile.....dd18 is being stubborn...does not want to rectify what her behavior has caused and manchild i believe it going to force the issue if he has too.....

whilst the 2 of them were going at it upstairs...pfm and i were downstairs watching a show...on commercials i was muting to just keep tabs on the yelling..then at one point it had gotten so loud i just could not help myself and felt the need to inform pfm -"I HATE YOU"..the fighting continued and then....well pfm just couldn't help himself and he promptly fell asleep....armageaddon is above his head, i tell him i hate him and he is sleeping....or i guess i should say he is napping...every so often his eyes would open before they would close again....

i do so see this man in quite a different light then i used to.....QUITE DIFFERENT


oh and on the who i need to become: i also need to be independently wealthy!!!!


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I found another OM.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The event tonight went better than anyone expected. We had fun, despite "working" the event. We got home, FWW fixated on a snag on her dress from some jewelry. Then she took a bath and went to bed, not a good night or anything. I woke her to ask what was up, she said she was tired. Nothing else.

We met a man at the event that was on her board at the last job and her current. The behavior was odd. I think she had an A with him too. I wondered about him after dday. He bought a last minute ticket to tonight's event, and when the three of us talked it was strange. He came alone, without his wife, and left early. I once thought he might be another OM. Now I am much more suspicious. I have not asked FWW about him, but her withdraw and going to sleep just after we got home is more than typical of her hiding something.

Fuck.

Of course she will deny if I say anything. He is her type. A problem marriage, a recent tragedy in his life. Power and money.

I am triggering badly.

Fuck Fuck Fuck

She will know now since dday how to hide any communications and time together. He is exactly the type of OM she would find or be found by. This would explain the odd behavior when the three of us talked.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats

Can't write much he is hovering. SO SORRY honey SO SORRY.

BIG HUGS. Will be thinking of you.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Had a chat with my SIL. Only one in his family I've ever really liked. She told me she knew.

Why didn't she tell me???

She also knew about others!!!!!!

Why didn't she tell me

i'm back at dday


Help me please

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats and Laura-
Sending you long distance hugs!
So sorry that you are dealing with this crap.

This is why I think it is so.......important to get all of the truth about the LTA's....ablut the past.

I know that others on the LTA forum do not agree with my position.
But, for me it was the key.
I needed to know everything.
And I mean everything.
I felt like that for 5 yrs I was in the dark. And other people-strangers...knew more about my life than I did!

So, I needed the info to feel like I had retrieved some of the past.
How dare the MOW know so much about me and I knew nothing of this bitch?

So, I dug and dug until I found out alot.
IMHO the truth will set you free.

You need to know exactly what you are reconciling from to move forward.
You need to know that there are no more secrets between you and your WS to be able to trust them going forward.

Now, Laura's sitch is so tough.
I still am amazed that the MOWs BH knew about my husband and the LTA for 2 yrs and told no one-not me, not even the MOW!
he was basically done with the marriage at that point because she was a serial cheater and had been forgiven before.

In the case of your SIL.
Did you husband know that she knew?
Or did she guess and keep it to herself.
I can imagine how awful you feel. That here was someone that should have been watching out for you and trying to protect your marriage and said nothing.
But, I think when it comes to infidelity most people don't know what is the right thing to do.
They don't want to be the bearer of bad news.

Heck, I see BS on SI being fearful about telling the other BS!
That, I do not understand....

are you going to confront your SIL? how did you find this info out?

and Ats...what about you? are you going to eventually ask her to fess up to everything? once and for all? so that you can find some peace and begin to focus on the future?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJGal: I completely agree with your statements about R after an LTA. I hope I didn't offend you in anyway.

ATs: Sorry to hear recent events. Now, I'm guilty of jumping to conclusions myself, but now that it's a new day, try to put this in perspective. You really have no real basis to think this is another OM other than a lot of speculation. Now, I fully realize this is still unsettling to you. Do you plan on doing anything? I think you might just sit back and see if she has a meltdown. What are you going to do? And, how are you doing today?

Laura:
I'm sorry. Why didn't she tell you? Probably because of the personal repurcussions for herself/her marriage, etc. Lots of people do tell BS about an A and the BS doesn't believe them and that creates a complete loss for the informant - they lose the BS as a friend, their spouse and family is pissed off at them, etc.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - Did you ask your SIL why she didn't tell you? Take a deep breath. I know the hurt; but does it really matter at this point? The horrible thing is stuff like this keeps creeping up on us. And then I wonder how much more of it I can take? What did your H say about all of this?

Ats - I'm thinking of you. I'm so sorry you are triggering. It just eats at your insides. I go through the same thing; if I ask, I will not get the truth. That's when the anxiety kicks in and I'm a mess.

miracle - making voodoo dolls is great therapy.
I don't really believe in it, it's just something that gives me a few laughs when I need it.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, February 11th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,
I understand how you feel. FWW's whole family knew and did not say anything to me. My SIL who visited from time to time and I thought got along well with me. Her DD's knew, including the one I had (have?) a good relationship with. None of them told me. They all thought that I was the monster FWW painted me to be, and I guess blood is really thicker than water. A big part of the reason I never said anything to sil when I found out about FWW and bil is because sil had not bothered to say anything to me at a time when it could have stopped the A. "Nobody knows about it" is one of the original lies from the first few months after dday.

As for my sich, she says she was upset last night because I gave away many of the cookies I won in a silent auction basket last night. She was upset and tired and so she got home, did not talk to me, took a bath and went straight to bed, and when I woke her to ask what was wrong she was "just tired". Of course she is not going to tell me the truth if there is/was another OM. I don't know what to do in the short term. I do not think there was anything recent, but I am not sure about the first 6-9 months after dday. Maybe ending an A with him is when she finally got off the fence about us and we started to make some progress. Maybe it is all in my head.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:02 AM, February 11th (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.