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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking,
Ditto what everyone else has already said. You're fine and you will get better and better the farther out from this you get. Today, do something that makes you happy... anything at all, no matter how small. Just for you.

Allgood,
Yeah, my WH forces me to call him an arsehole from time to time. (Actually, to get any response from him, I have to pitch a fit and act like an arsehole myself... but that's another story.)

Laura,
I've been wondering about you.

Good day for Nell!
1. Evil twin left this morning, on a plane home. I've been singing "Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead" all morning (literally... then started humming it when WH was in the room without realizing it... he asked what I was singing and I changed the subject. )
2. I went to hot yoga last night and am feeling good today.
3. I made an IC appointment yesterday with a woman that WH and I "interviewed" back in August... she already knows the backstory and has listened to WH so I won't have to explain. (Good job, Nell. Thank you.)
4. My BFF is coming in two days!!!
5. And my doggie can relax... the mean stinky man is off the couch!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning and thanks guys for the insight---

Regarding the details of my situation for those who asked--

He met her at work back in 2000, I was pregnant with son#2--they had an affair for 6 mos--I found out and he threw her under the bus---fast forward to 2006--it started again and has been off and on ever since...I have been in two many False R's, gaslighting ect to count and I am done...

We are still in the same house but talking D details..when he realized that it didn't look good for him..he asked for an in house separation...I am still mulling that over as the L suggested that was a good option for me--allowing me to pay off some bills so that I can afford the house on my own..

Regarding my feelings about the LTA--I understand that she is easy and willing to do whatever he asks cause of course "He's her one and only"
She's been around for years, they spend everyday together except for weekends (my boys are in school everyday--so he gets home right before youngest @ 2:30pm)

I think I could have handled it better if there would have been multiple women, as he would not have gotten emotionally involved..but I know that he is so invested in her because of the things he does (fixes things that are broken in her house/car--buys food/drinks and goes to hotels cause she still has kids at home.
He is her Knight in Shinning Armor....
But I know that he is just being used...

I feel like I have been replaced. I know that it is not logical, not real, that he is fooling himself, but my fear is that he will never realize what he had, what he threw away and never regret being with her...

I just want him to see what she really is, what he has become but I am afraid that he is too broken for that


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other thing I'm realizing about LTA and A's in general is that it IS something in the WS. I keep getting reminded by reading posts on SI that many BS's were not happy either prior to DDay for whatever reason, but the BS did not try to "fix" the problem by having an affair.

There were many BS's who felt all was "ok" and were blindsided by DDay. This still points to the WS. Even if the WS was unhappy, so many of them lied, pretended and acted like all was ok.

Again, the old SI saying that the BS and WS are responsible for whatever marital problems they have: loss of communication/intimacy, etc.

BUT the decision to have an affair is still on the WS 100%.

Allgood, from what I'm reading in your posts, it is getting down to the problems in the M in addition to your trauma and betrayal at the A. The only thing I can suggest, is that if you feel you can move beyond the A, you and WH might want to look at the marital problems like getting ready in the morning. You need to tell him without blame and anger: It's a fact that how it's being handled is not working. What can we do to make it work? Do you have any suggestions Mr. Allgood? (no sarcasm!! )

If anything, Allgood, just look at it as a way to better co-parent.

Looking, I'm still feeling what you are feeling. We can't control the WS, so we sometimes look to ourselves because we so desperately want to fix the situation. We want to stop hurting. It does hurt like hell.

I think it might come down to that we feel we cared and loved enough to fully commit and the WS having the A shows us that the WS didn not commit, so therefore we feel they didn't love us enough.

You know what? They didn't. But as my IC has pointed out, that perhaps they DID love us to the best of their ability, and THAT is what wasn't enough.

THEIR ABILITY to love and have an intimate relationship is NOT enough.

NOT US.

I would like to be like you, Strongish. You are really looking at yourself and what you want. It's a good thing.
I think your attitude is a good one, not to look so much at what was, but how it is NOW and where you can and should go from there.


{{{{{{{{{{tribe}}}}}


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell: I'm so glad that evil twin has left and you survived the visit and you have your BFF's visit to look forward to. WTG!

Looking, I'm so sorry to read about your sitch. In house seperation is hard to do emotionally. You have the added emotions knowing where WH is going during the day and what he is doing.

If you are really done, you need to talk to him about him living elsewhere. It's one thing having an in house separation when there is NC, but your sitch is very hard.

Believe me, I know. I have a hard enough time as it is with my sitch, but I can compartmentalize since WH is physically here and OW is overseas.

But seeing her everyday like that? That is hard.

{{{{looking}}}}


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank You All for the support, encouragement and words of wisdom...

It's been a tough couple of days as I am riding the rollercoaster of emotions...I felt good this past weekend as I went out, had a good time and realized thru H's reactions that he was not okay with that--felt good to know that more than likely he was having mind movies, a bit of jealousy and trying to take back control--welcome to the club asshole...

This morning I made up my mind to not go home after work as normal today (going to GF's house), left a note for H telling him to cook the leftovers from last night cause I wouldn't be home before he left for work.

Hopefully he will be having some more mind movies to dwell on as I do my version of the 180...

I am trying to get a life!!!


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura: love the dog...

you are amazing, i do not know how you do it all, you really are superwoman i'm thinkin.....

and thank you for taking the time to respond to all of us, page by page..


looking: as you have read over and over it has nothing to do with you, nothing to do with whether or not you were enough...the point is he is as you know broken, and being broken...no one will probably ever be enough....and he would need to love and respect himself first and foremost before he could give it to another and he obviously does not.....

it is wonderful that you are starting to live your life, living it and going on without him.....it will feed your soul....keep doing things that you love to do, try new things...keep living....and there will still be days that you will want to crawl back under the covers and hide....but the more you live the less those days will be.....looking forward instead of looking backward....


honest: you too, look forward, no more backward....plan for your future....


nell: i sang that song a few times...would love to sing it again when i get rid of the last of toxic in my life...but thats a ways off...but i do see that light at the end of this really long long tunnel...and its beautiful...


allgood: for you right now its hard to separate the marriage issues from the affair issues, because i am sure you feel that at the very least he should be picking up the slack along the way considering what he's done, anything to show remorse....not to mention that it would really be the right thing to do....

bottom line: mr allgood needs to be spoonfed...and at the rate he is going he will need to be fed through a feeding tube...the other issue with that is that the site where the tube has been inserted is all infected and toxic so not much if at all is getting through....and his defeatest attitude just took itself to a new level...he's added i think some attitude on top for good measure....

and for all of that i am sorry, you do not deserve any of it, you are an amazing woman, you are smart, beautiful and you have what i think is the best part...a great sense of humor....which means that you have everything going for you.....and he is a total fucktard of a dickhead.....he does not seem to get it, and at this point its just too sad....making him almost as stupid as pfm....and for that i am sorry...


strong: i am glad that you will wait til the sessions are done before making any final decisions...you sound like you really have it together...you sound really strong and firm in your resolve and that is really good, i think you are going to need to draw on it....

the bottom line for you, he could still step up, which would be the ideal....but and this is a big but for you...you seem to be ready if he does not....and i am also thinkin that even if he does step up and you still feel the way you do now you are still ready to deal with it....doin what you gotta do for your own peace of mind....

taking the path of least regret is often a hard path to follow, it means putting yourself out there, it means backtracking, it means going over it again and again which may mean getting hurt again and again...but at the end of that journey is peace, a peace like no other....it really is the best way to heal....saves a lot of heartache in the future for the future...

oprah yesterday said something on forgiveness that i loved...

" From this day on, forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could've been any different"

i love that definition of forgiveness....it has nothing to do with forgiving another really....but moving on from the past....

gotta run....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwam--Love Opraha's definition of forgiveness....
I don't think I can ever forgive my H for what he has done but I can and will at some point move on from it because what's done is done and it can't be changed.

So, thanks for that....


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
september7
♀ Member
Member # 29929
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS has had this 5 year A. Currently out of the house and seeing OW.

What are the success rates for getting over this long time A?

Did he " check out" of the marriage a long time ago? Yet never physically left until I found out and kicked him out.
Thanks


D-Day September 7, 2010
NC ended December 22, 2010 and I kicked him OUT! WH dumps OW July 2, 2011 and wants to R! Now he has been living with me in not the best circumstances, but we're paying for medical school for one kid and college the other.

Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Florida
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

September: I don't know the stats about success rates. I think time does heal all and to be perfectly honest, I think the healing rate may be faster when you do not reconcile because you can chalk everything up to WS is a jackass and I will find someone else. Reconciling is more painful, I believe and a longer recovery because of everything associated with it.

Did he " check out" of the marriage a long time ago? Yet never physically left

In my case, I would say yes, tho he seemed to pop back in every once in a while for sex. For awhile that's how I was trying to think about this. That maybe he really thought he was done, but wasn't totally convinced yet, and he was living in both worlds because he couldn't make a decision. But, I got stuck when I got to the part where I had to wonder well, why is it different now, just because I found out. For some, the shock shakes them right out of it. But for me, I saw improvements over the last 1 1/2 years, but not enough to calm my fears that he is not at his core a selfish, immature liar.

Honest: no saracasm?!? I LOVE sarcasm! I will still think sarcastically even if I don't say it. That's the best I can do. Lol.

Miracle:

and at the rate he is going he will need to be fed through a feeding tube...the other issue with that is that the site where the tube has been inserted is all infected and toxic so not much if at all is getting through....

Ok... ewwwwww... lol, but I get your point. Lol.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

september: welcome to our corner of si, and so sorry that you need to be here....

your d-day is fairly recent, as is your separation...so i am thinkin that overwhelmed with it all is an understatement.....

success rates: this is an individual thing...each person is different...

bottom line is that each individual has to make the choice to heal...with or without the help of the ws....

choose to heal yourself, (if the ws can help with this...yay)...then be proactive in doing what you need to do in order to heal....


so instead of looking at success rates look at how you can help YOU heal....


did he check out: well i would say they all check out the minute they choose another.....


minor kid crisis in miracle house tonite.......right now i am not liking one of them in particular...and its not manchild...its dd18....i will have to think long and hard on how to pass down a punishment to this adult/child....its not too often that she is as stupid as she was this past couple of days....the worst part is the lies that she has told....i cannot deal with lies....not at all....i find i go to the extreme, i cannot handle lies......

so i am taking some time to think it through....the thing that comes immediately to mind is extreme, so taking my time in deciding how to handle this is sorely needed so that i do not regret what i end up doing.....or even not doing....especially since her lies not only affected the entire family but directly to manchild....

so much, so many things, no matter how minor always seems to go back to feelings concerning the betrayals....i cant seem to get away from it....i am either triggered or i cannot react the way i would have had i not been marked by this....

i just really hate lies....even the small ones seem to send me into a tailspin.....


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lol, Allgood, I speak fluent sarcasm too!! I think it's my first language!

September: welcome to our little corner of SI. Come here often and post and vent. There are many wise people here who have helped me to survive.
Success rates...do you mean success in R? As Miracle says, it depends on the people involved. For YOU to heal, you will. It takes time. We say here in LTA that LTA=long recovery, but you WILL heal. The best suggestion I can give you at this point is that if you are not already in IC, it is a good thing to go to. The betrayal of a LTA runs deep and an IC can help you heal.

Miracle: When anyone lies to me now, I feel the same way that you described. I hate any kind of lies now too. You are doing the right thing by stepping back before you respond to your DD. I know you will make the right decision on how to handle this. {{{{Miracle}}}}


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Quick post while he's feeding the ducks. Will not be able to catch up until Sat!!!

H is on day shift and home evenings. He is working Sat and Sun days so will be able to catch up then.

I've come to the conclusion that all the years he "had" to work evenings he was actually swapping shifts with others - who obviously wanted to be at home with their wives and children - while he needed to be off days to visit his whores. Now suddenly he has 2 months of days! Don't ever remember that in the past (24yrs he has been working at the hospital). Oh well at least he now wants to be with me!!

OW3 is buying a house!! Dammit - I was hoping she'd move to UK to be with her oh so ugly daughter and new grand daughter. I was hoping she'd at least leave town!

Catch up Sat

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle:
i just really hate lies....even the small ones seem to send me into a tailspin

Me too, tho it only affects me when my kids lie to me.
One of my kids is my H's mini-me in every possible way and he lies, lies, lies too. I really found myself snapping at him about it. Now, I just try to explain how he's destroying his credibility with me. He's 10, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't care. Sometimes I ask my H - he just lies, what are we going to do about that? He never has any solutions, and I don't even know if he gets my hidden meaning, but it amuses me nonetheless. Lol.

Laura: I too see a huge difference in the number of days off he has now as opposed to during the A. Makes me so mad. I didn't get more than an hour at the gym a couple times a week for myself and he's taking full days off to be with OW while we are paying someone to watch our kids!

Well, I guess it's good that you see more vacation days now - means he's behaving.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - such a positive thing that H wants to spend time with you. I'm glad he is keeping his head out of his ass!!

Miracle - I have 2 adult children that are living with SO's. After Dday both of them started to have feeling for someone else. I can't tell you the triggers it set off. Normally I wouldn't have said much because it's their business. But I couldn't hold my tongue and I had a talk with both of them and some of the things I said were not kind. They both ended up coming out of their "fog"?? But I can't stand lies now either. Not even the white lies I'm constantly catching H in. Only difference is that now I call him on it.

You will do the right thing, you always do. You are superMOM!! Your children are lucky to have you as their mother.

Nell - I'm glad wicked twin is gone too. Yuk!!! The shit we have to put up with is amazing!

September - Welcome...so sorry you find yourself here.

Allgood & Honest- I've been thinking of the both of you. You are in my prayers.

I've made a couple of voodoo dolls and I've been using them lately. It's made me laugh out loud a few times. I've probably flipped my lid but it has actually helped when I feel that horrible pit in my stomach starting up. I guess I must have a violent streak in me?


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you sound like you really have it together...you sound really strong and firm in your resolve and that is really good, i think you are going to need to draw on it....
Uh....thanks for the vote of confidence but I sure I will continue to have periods of doubt, sadness, rage, etc. I'm learning to accept that that's just part of the "gift" that is infidelity.

September - Welcome. I wish you didn't have to be here, but since you are, feel free to post often and vent. This group has been a lifeline for me. They not only give me a place to let off steam, but they also give me their honest opinions and offer their wisdom.

Looking - Keep up the 180! It sounds like you are getting stronger which you will need no matter what the future holds.

Honest - Girl, you are so smart. You know exactly what to say to ease the pain of another, make sure you take your own advice! It's clear that you are a giving, open woman and a loving mom.

Miracle -

i just really hate lies....even the small ones seem to send me into a tailspin
I think that we all identify with this. What gets me so angry in my sich is that FWH was such a stickler about lying. He held himself up as an example of doing the right thing even when it was difficult. The lectures he would give our kids..... And now he splits hairs about whether lying by omission was "really" lying. The longer he holds on to that fantasy the farther away I go.

Nell - enjoy time with your BFF. You deserve a treat since you had to put up with evil twin! Go shopping and eat chocolate!

(((Tribe)))


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fun: I think about you frequently too and hope you are doing well.

I've made a couple of voodoo dolls

That's hysterical!


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

September,

The odds are low, but, then again, I've always liked an underdog.

The real question is: Do you really want to reconcile, and if so, why?

Ruminate on that first. I can tell you what to do and what not to do if you want your best chance at R -- but be sure you want R, or at least want a stab at R first.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning All--

September--You have a PM...

I plan on being good to myself today....I hope everyone does something nice for themselves to help in your journey towards healing....


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting there, catching up, but just want to get this out there having just read a posting a couple of pages back on 45:

Re getting the truth, withholding of “significant” information, details, etc. I don’t know why, but reading FNF’s post reminded me of my Dad. He’s 86 and was 17 when he joined the RAF.

Last weekend (down with parents and IL’s)we were talking about how young men in the 18-24 age group think of themselves as immortal and untouchable. He said those in charge took advantage of that knowledge. He saw death and destruction, he dealt out death and destruction (mostly from the air), they killed civilians as well as soldiers, they rounded up an area of France and closed in, Germans and French died from starvation, strafing attacks, disease.

He has never spoken much about his time in WW2 – that was then and this is now. He has never looked back at that time, never gone to reunions, never watches the parade or goes to church on Remembrance Sunday. He says what they did was necessary (okay, unlike affairs, but….) and he had to be the person he was then in order to be able to do what he did. He doesn’t like to think about that time.

He got out of the pit that was the war, got married, had kids and has been thankful for his life since that time.

Just a thought. Okay, back to reading…….

[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:05 AM, February 10th (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, February 10th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl, that gives me a lot to chew on. Thanks for posting that.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
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