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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Popping in to give a belated "hello" to Looking...

and, as long as I'm here...

she is doing soemthing very nice and supportive for me to address somthing she perceives may be a problem or concern for me

That's sweet.
And also funny.

m3,
There is something about me... okay, stubbornness... that wants to end all my stuff with a joke now.

So!

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Loving you.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh my...

(((looking)))

i think you getting yourself a life beyond your family is a wonderful idea.....


(((honest)))

remember when you breathe (more then the breath we need to live) that hyperventilating is not a good alternative to deep medatative breathing..

honest you have a ways to go before you could even think about forgiving...i would think first you would need to get out from underneath his mounds and mounds of hoarded manipulations...


(((allgood)))


nell and m3: good jokes...


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FYI - I'm pretty sure my foul mood is a result of 2 things:

1. H didn't see the kids at all on Sunday due to work and his Superbowl activities. So, the 1st time he saw them was Mon at 5pm. He watched our daughter for 1 1/2 hours and picked up the boys from their activity while I was at the gym. When I returned, the kids were all with me while he watched tv by himself in the basement for 2 hours. I said nothing, but it was not lost upon me that it didn't even occur to him to interact with the kids, read the damn book which is the 1 thing he agreed to do to show me I'm his priority. Just pisses me off. Whateva.

Then he pissed me off about something this morning, forcing me to call him a douchebag in front of the kids. (I know, I know....)

2. Then I had to go to Court to deal with a case that will never go away because this dumbass cannot seem to get it through his thick damn head that he has to support his kids.

Nell- I will have a glass of wine tonight.

(And - thanks everyone for the jokes.)

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 2:51 PM, February 8th (Tuesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats.. Why do you do this anyway?
slightest criticism
and
I am not a harsh person most of the time..

I honestly cannot remember when the last time I criticized my W. It must have been several weeks ago. Today, I am just living those desirables… Although I got criticized a couple days ago.. lol.. I said, please don’t… she smiled.

Nell…

Where do people have to be within themselves (understanding themselves, their issues, their faults, their strengths, etc.) in order for Retro to be effective or helpful?
People have to pay the $75 deposit.. And when the weekend arrives, drive down, check in, grab a coke and listen.
Is it possible to get anything out of Retro while actively convincing yourself of the truth of your own created unreality?

Yes, it is possible.
Is “Knowing yourself” … is a pretty basic pre-req. before you can tell another person about you?
No… Feelings are feelings. The human brain is nothing but feelings.

What they are going to do is teach you a way to know each other’s feelings. Feelings are everything. I am going to say it again. FEELINGS ARE EVERYTHING.. Feelings come and go… Most people don’t know how to describe feelings. Once you know how to describe a feeling, you have the ability to share it. Sharing feelings creates intimacy. This will lead you to achieve emotionally intimacy. That equals attraction.


If you go to Retrou… this is what you get…
- Speakers will describe the building blocks to a healthy marriage.
- They are going to teach you how to use the dialogue method.
- They are going to educate you about what love really is… and talk forgiveness.
And they do it in a very interesting way.

It is done with other people for a reason. There is something positive about being with a group of people in crisis.. going through this together.


The presenters will tell you stories about their lives. The presenters are couples that almost divorced themselves. Every presenter caught my attention and my W too. Every man in that room listened. The stories are very interesting and always end in something very positive. Reconciliation.


You get a notebook to write in. You are either going to get a “stick man” drawing of a man vomiting… or.. You are going to get some beautiful letters that you will have forever to read over and over. If you get a stickman, then you know something is seriously messed up. My W cannot believe the letters she can now get from me. She says I am a changed man. I am.

This is not a feeling letter but I got this one too..

Dear D,

I wish I could go back in time to those unspoiled days and moments before hurt touch your heart. If I could go back, I would hold you longer and never miss a chance to tell you how much you mean to me. If I could only erase the mistake I made. But I know I can’t go back. I have always loved you D. Thank you for being my husband. Thank you for being my lover. Thank you for being my children’s father. Thank you for being you.

I will always love you,
T

See Nell, you can have this too… I can imagine some people won’t be capable of write something so loving. I noticed most every couple attended the follow-up weekends. What is your risk? Not getting something you don’t have already have… You must try to get what you need.

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:14 PM, February 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone

Why don't you describe your feeling to us at that very minute you called you H douchebag?

Let me help you with that…

Dear Mr Allgood,

Yes, I was very angry. Picture a machine with a pump on the end. A large bag holds the chemical that will destroy nasty evilness. The tube is attached to the pump allowing the pressure of the air to move the chemical. Now picture this machine not inserted into a douche.. oh no.. but into your ass. Now vision me running on that pump placing pressure on it to move the chemical… Can you see it now? me running on that pump like me running to a speed 10 on my treadmill ! Yep that’s how mad I was at you..

Your truly,
Ms Allgood.

[This message edited by trynhard at 3:34 PM, February 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: Lol!

Yes, let me try to explain my feelings at the time:

Dear Mr. Allgood:

This morning when I called you a douchebag, I was feeling resentful as I was the only adult present in the home that had to leave for work in 15 minutes and had not even dried my hair, yet despite the presence of another adult in the home (you), I was the only adult that was making lunches, making breakfast, determining that our son had not done his homework (which you should have noticed yesterday when he was in your care) and you laid on the couch (only after being coaxed out of your bed by me reminding you I needed to leave for work soon.)

I feel like you could be doing more to help and I take offense that you sit idly by watching me run around like a mad woman while you are maxin and relaxin. It makes me feel like you do not value me or what I do. It makes me feel unloved and unappreciated.

It also makes me sad that you do not appear to want to be an active participant in our family's lives. I wish more for my family and see now, more than ever, I will not be able to give our children the same kind of experience I had growing up.

I was able to keep my resentment at bay until you responded to my advising you as to the location of the juice boxes (which was my indirect way of saying get up off your ass and help me)with hostility, claiming that you knew how to make the children's lunches. I felt that you did not need to be hostile with me and found it to be disrespectful. It was at this point that I had determined that you are a douchebag.
But, I do not want my children to think ill of you, so I apologize for giving you my opinion in their presence.
XOXO
Allgood.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryn--I hear ya loud and clear...

inn--Thanks for the hello...

iwm--yes, need to get a life.

I will be 52 next month and really scared to start over...
I know that age is just a number but my body tells me different---


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now picture this machine not inserted into a douche.. oh no.. but into your ass. Now vision me running on that pump placing pressure on it to move the chemical… Can you see it now? me running on that pump like me running to a speed 10 on my treadmill !


may god help me as i actually visualized this...


allgood: i so so agree with you and tryn...he is an ass of a douchebag of epic proportions.....and me thinks he is taking major advantage of you....stupid stupid man...


looking: i just turned 50 a couple of months ago...from a woman's perspective it is quite scary starting over....but it is much better then staying where you do not have happiness...



i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was reading an article tonight about infidelity and how most WS claim that they are not happy in their marriages.

They cheat once, twice numerous times looking for something different, exciting, looking for other women to make them happy and never finding it as they don't realize that it is something within them that is broken and causing their unhappiness. Not their wives or their marriages..

But I was thinking..what about my situation? My H didn't go from woman to woman..he found one and has been with her for 5 years..what does that say about me? That I was really not the one for him? That I wasted 24 years with a man who never felt for me what he feels for her? That I gave him everything, including two beautiful boys and that wasn't enough?
She's a cheater...cheated on her H for 10 years with numerous men, married and single, including my hubby and she's what's best for him?

On her FB page (before she made it private) she claims that he is her one and only..

I am so down tonight because I just can't fathom why I was never good enough, why our family was never good enough.

I know that I am moving on as I can't fix him and I don't want what he has become...but I don't think I can ever forgive him for what he has done to my life and the lives of my boys...I can get over him physically cheating but he has become emotionally involved with her..after 5 years he probably thinks he's in love...my heart is so broken


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Sorry I have been out of touch. The gators have been snapping at me again. Work has been taking up too much of my time. I am having a night off tonight so will try to catch up.

Will do this a page at a time as I am 5 pages behind and I just can't remember all that!
So will be a little messy.

Page 41

Tryn

Looved the machine pic and everyone's responses to it

Miracle

need to go do some sqeezin now.

We old girls need LOTS of squeezin

Dip

Did you get around to googling "keegle"?

AGNG

Just finished my divorce agreement.

Honey I'm sorry. You are being so brave. HUGS

Tryn

I'm glad you like my butterflies and I love your analogy

And no you are not weird!!!

Fun

I think LTA's are much harder to get past than a ONS or an A that was a couple of months. LTA's are cold, and calculated.

It's just so hurtful

I'm with you honey. My H is doing everything right except the truth. R would be easy if I didn't feel so hurt and had the truth!

Miracle

fun: yes lta is quite different...you do have a before...granted your before was a really long time ago...but it exists...draw on it now if you can...

This is great advice. I don't know about fun but for me this is soooo hard. My "before" was probably before we married. He was so difficult for so long I'm starting to become convinced he's been at it since day 1 of our marriage and the guilt turned him into a monster. Awful thought. He is so different now I have only now to cling to. i cannot remember "before"

NJgal

Thank you for your long post on this page. Won't be specific - far too much - but I found your insights very helpful

Page 42

Strong

Please pass on HUGS to your sister and BFF. Do they come to SI??

I'm just so confused as to how someone can profess to love someone but then treat them so callously.

Yes this really bothers me. H told OW3 repeatedly that he loved her. He came home from work the other night and told me that nurses were having a discussion about how treatment of a particular patient was "cruel". He was present as was OW3. When he went to leave apparently she whispered to him "You are soooo cruel". He told me this (which is good) but she's probably right. They were "together" for over a year! and now (I believe) he's thrown her under a bus! I now have to look at him and say "This is my H!" a CRUEL man for how he treated me and OW2 and OW3. (I don't think OW1 wants him anymore but OW2 and OW3 both do. OW3 said she'd forgive him for cheating on her with OW2 and OW2 offered him a secret phone which he refused and told me about.)

This shit is crazy!!!!!!

Tryn

Thanks for all your sample letters and advice. Although they are not directed at me personally I find your insights and reflections very helpful

AGNG

going out with guys from work to a bar for the Superbowl..... "I should've just lied about where I was going."

Dipshit, fucktard, arsehole

He has a wonderful woman. He needs to grow a brain and realise that he cannot afford to lose you!!!

Boyos and I went and had a blast.

Good for you!!!

Page 43

Nell I love your dog too.

Tryn I also love your dog!!!

Here is my dog

FNF

Thanks for your reflection on lying. I liked it but will need to think more to decide if I agree.

H has just come inside from playing with ducks

To be continued.....

Love to all

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:34 AM, February 9th (Wednesday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Continuing p 43

Miracle

So good to see you vent. Please do it often. Cohabiting must be so stressful. I don't know how you can stand it esp when pfm chooses to be a fucktard so often. Vent if it helps you to feel even a little better. HUGS honey.


ats

After dday for the LTA we face a FWS who, while NC with the OP and no longer looking for an A, is still a long ways from being a healthy partner in the relationship. We also seem to have a very common realization that it was not “just the LTA”, but much or most of our life M’d to this person is not what we thought that it was.

You are SO right. Who are they and are they people we want to be with?? I still look at my H and think "Who are you??? Do I really know you???" I think it will be a long time before I feel sure of my answer to this question. So often I wonder....

I am so sorry about your probs with sex with her. HB with my H was great for a few months (wish it had lasted) but things are bad at present. I want him to want me - don't think he does, and I want to want him - don't think I do. AAAAARHHHH!!! Hate this sich. Think it will happen tonight but I also think we will both have to make a real effort. So sad.

M33

You are going great. Stay strong honey

AGNG

And, yes, he accepts that the relationship will end at some point. Always did. Don't know why he cares. We practically had no relationship during the course of his A and he didn't miss it one bit apparently.

Oh my! I know you write "matter of factly" but I know you are hurting so bad. I'm so sorry honey.

Page 44

LFL

So sorry honey. You have an A1 fucktard to deal with. One day he will wake up and realise what he lost. Hugs honey. 180 his arse BIG TIME!!!

Dip

During my W's A she was very jealous. She would sometimes get pissed if I talked to another woman, but it was o.k. for her to be screwing other men.

Hi honey. You post a lot and joke a lot but never tell us too much. Are you OK?

Nell

Keep singing honey. I play the "Eagles" in my car and belt their songs out to and from work. There is something about singing that releases the tension

animals are a good judge of people,

Yep. My dog loves me best too. he's actually my son's dog but he stayed when my son left home. My H often used to use the word "MY" when talking to people about OUR things. He'd say "MY farm.." or "MY house.." or worse still "MY son..." in front of me. I hated it and often used to comment on his language. Talk about compartmentalise.... Guess he got used to saying these things to his OWs - couldn't really use "our" I suppose - would remind them he was married!!!!

H has prepared dinner

Be back later

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning all.

Laura: Good to hear from you and I LOVE your dog! I miss my dog so much. He died 2 years ago. He was great. My son is allergic to dogs & cats otherwise I would've gotten another by now.

LookingforLove: I'm not up to speed on your sitch yet, but just wanted to offer you a big hug ((Looking)).

I can't do the long version right now, but the short version is that there is nothing wrong with you. That for whatever reason our spouses embarked upon a LTA is a reflection of them, not you. I fully realize how hard it is to refrain from drawing the conclusion that if we were enough they wouldn't have strayed, but reality is there is something wrong with them. Im my H's case, I'm yet to figure it out completely, but he's just a selfish, immature guy. I guess if I stayed 100% focused on him, to the detriment of my kids and household (because I do have a finite limit on the amount of energy I can expend in one day), it would've made him content enough not to stray. But his way of thinking is just so different than mine - not something that's noticeable when you're dating or when you're young. But, for me at least, I grew up and he didn't. We took the kids away a few weekends ago and some of our kids were snowboarding, but some weren't, so he actually suggested that we all go up to the lodge, let the ones who want to snowboard do so (supervised by their uncle) and let the other ones hang in the game room while we hang at the bar (with out 2 year old in tow)...

This is just one example of many throughout our marriage that I have had to play the role of bitch by refusing to do things he suggests that suit him (and his desire to live like a single man) but are not in the best interest of the needs of our children.

I'm not trying to make it all about me, but I was hoping by this example you could see how there is nothing inherently wrong with you or anything wrong you did.

All the time I have.

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 6:15 AM, February 9th (Wednesday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgoodnamesgone... A healthy M is when you both pull equal weight. If somehow your H could understand that a little inconvenience to himself, to help make sandwiches... without you asking would be even greater love. Acts of Service is love. Where on earth is he going to learn something like that?

He won’t unless he learns it from you, Retrou, reading a book, MC… We guys usually don’t sit around at a bar drinking beer talk about that kinda stuff.

I get it. You are tired. You work harder with the kids. You pull more weight around the house while he rest. That is a marriage issue. This is a relationship issue… Not an A issue. I am sure this is nothing new is it?

You acted out of frustration. If you both could learn how to act out, communicate, change... maybe in a more safe way... Things might be different.

While you start the sandwich... Honey, I am running out of time. I am feeling very tired. I feel rushed and uneasy right now. You helping me would make me feel much better

A good man would get up off the couch and help... A bad man says.. F you..do it yourself. An F you crosses the boundary!

I know.. most of what I post is very simple common sense stuff... Hey, we need to be grounded... lol

Of course one night out, you are not going to see the "greener" side of any man.

Laura.. loved the pic.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:22 AM, February 9th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: I agree that I need to express myself directly and calmly before it builds up. I've been aware of this for a very long time. I need to try harder.

But, like you said, this is very common sense stuff. I really don't think it's something that should be spelled out for him, that I need help (And, it has been spelled out in the past) and so that is what infuriates me. I really have a hard time believing that he is unaware of the pressure I'm under.

And, yes this has been an ongoing problem within our marriage for a long time and is not an A issue.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura...you've been missed. Glad to have you check back in.

((Looking)) I was going to write for you to "hang in there" but after reading your profile I see that you have been hanging in there for so, so long. Is your WH still seeing the OW??

They cheat once, twice numerous times looking for something different, exciting, looking for other women to make them happy and never finding it as they don't realize that it is something within them that is broken and causing their unhappiness. Not their wives or their marriages.

I think this is so true. Remind yourself again and again that YOU are NOT broken....the WS is broken. And until they face up to that and make the changes necessary to fix what's broken, no relationship is going to make them happy. They may go from one AP to another, from one M to another, but they will not be able to continue a long-term intimate relationship.

As for me.....FWH and I had a calm discussion last night about my feelings. For the past few weeks I've been thinking more and more of ending my M. FWH and I started sleeping aprrt two weeks ago and it's actually a relief for me. Since I have zero interest in having sex with my FWH, this takes all the pressure off of me to pretend that I feel something I don't. Of course while on some days I feel strong and like I can handle ending this farce, I know that there will be days when I'm overwhelmed. I remain sad and angry but I'm more at peace with walking away.

It may finally be dawning on FWH that I'm not kidding around. I talked about moving to another city after DS17 is out of high school. FWH asked me where and I had a few cities in mind. I think he was surprised that I had put that much thought into it. I told him that while I recognize that there was the chance that any man I meet in the future could have been a "cheater", I knew for certain that FWH was/is a cheater. After 7+ months of IC/MC I've found that FWH can talk the talk but is not so good at walking the walk.

I'm not filing anything or doing any legal yet. We have committed to 12 MC sessions of which we have completed 4, so we still have a ways to go. But honestly, I'm more at peace than I've been in the past 7 mos. When FWH hugged me goodbye this a.m. (left this a.m. after getting home last night from Europe) I felt bad for him. I had to force myself to not say something just to make him feel better.

So you think it's possible that the knowledge of his LTA has killed the love I had for him? On one hand I am disappointed in myself for not feeling "love" for him in these "bad times" but then I think about the bad times I did stand by him, support him in so many, many ways. I had told FWH early in our M that while I thought I could handle his having a ONS, I could never live with his sharing his "heart" or his having feelings for another woman. Knowing that's how I felt, he still had a 4 year relationship with OW. He told her he loved her, although he says he always cautioned her that he would not leave me. Should that make a difference to me?? I guess it does in that I didn't immediately end our M. I have tried. I have been in weekly/bi-weekly IC since DDay in addition to the joint MC. FWH has been to IC for a few months, but nothing since Dec.

I'm have not closed the door to R, but mentally I am preparing myself for a new chapter in my life. FWH is not the man I thought he was and that's just something I will have to live with.

[This message edited by strongish at 8:26 AM, February 9th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Strongish))

I hear ya.
And, I think it's perfectly understandable to lose the love for a spouse after a LTA. Plus, I think I read somewhere that most people cannot successfully reconcile after a LTA.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H didn't go from woman to woman..he found one and has been with her for 5 years..what does that say about me?

All is "says" is that he's too lazy to keep looking. She fits the purpose -- which is someone other than you -- and if she's willing to be strung along for 5 years, more the better because that's EASY.

I don't think you were here when I related my WH's reason for his 20 yr. LTA: (1) It made me feel young to have that connection to my past. (2) It was exciting to take a risk and (3) It was easy.

Anyway, it doesn't mean anything -- the length is a complete red herring in the sense that it's a personal preference rather than it meaning something about you. He'd rather delude himself into thinking he has two relationships when in reality he has none.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, February 9th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H didn't go from woman to woman..he found one and has been with her for 5 years..what does that say about me?

LookingforLove,

It does not say a damn thing about you. None of WS actions say anything about us as BS except that perhaps we were too trusting, too accepting, too willing to accommodate our WS.

So what does it say about your WS and his A? It means he found a stable relationship that met his need for additional external validation. BTW, from what I have read, and my experience, we BS cannot provide this desired external validation once we are married. The intimacy of the marriage relationship is a part of what “triggers” the crisis in the broken WS. The BS cannot provide the desired external validation because we are part of the problem because we are in an emotionally intimate relationship. The external validation MUST come from another outside of the M.

It says this OP was comfortable with a 5-year status quo relationship. No growth, no deepening desires. In the case of my FWW, her first OM was single and fell in love with her. He wanted more time with her; he wanted her to move in with him. She became uncomfortable with his increased demands for her time and attention, and when another OM became available after about a year, she dumped first OM hard for the next OM. Second OM was married; he was not looking for anything more than an A. This one lasted nearly 3 years until it ended on dday. It was very stable. There was not real desire for love from either of them. FWW fantasized about it, but was happy with a convenient relationship. If not for dday, this relationship would have continued until another potential OM appeared despite becoming stale because it was habit.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

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