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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3

Sometimes humor is just humor. Not a defense for anything. Maybe Nell is sort of like me and just can not help herself from viewing everything in a humorous light. I grew up reading Mad Mag, listening to Shelly Berman and Bill Cosby records. I was hooked on humor at a very young age. All that did not help me job wise and I can't spell worth a shit but I have had a lot of fun and enjoyment.

I think it may be time for a Baby Paddy undate, please.

Nell.

I hope I did not make you mad when I implied that you may be like me. Some people I know would take that as a insult. Your Dog is smart. they say dogs are a good judge of people. I think most of them are just easy. Rub their belly or scratch their ears and they think you are god.

miracle.

Calling your friend? You should be mad. That is pretty low. Keep venting.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone's H tried to get another chance or tried to slow down the wheels of D after you have said you can't do this anymore, start talking about the D and then they see the financial reality of the situation?

And then you start having a life?


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is what I posted this Am inthe D/S forum...would love some feedback...

We are talking D and on Friday when I told H that I wanted to keep the house (I am also getting 1/2 of his retirment--about 25K and he doesn't like what he is hearing)
and he said fine and that he thought it was best that we do a legal separation since he had to save money to buy furniture and have first, last and deposit on an apartment--he would still pay half of the bills until he could afford to leave...I told him that I would look into it..will talk to my L about it today as this is a option that she had presented to me....

This past Saturday he went to a guy friends house to watch boxing--I had planned an evening out with the girls so I left at 8pm.
I got home at 1:30 in the am and opened up the garage door..he had locked the door that goes into the house from the garge (I lost my key and he knows it).
I knocked on the door--he asked who it was--he knows who it was--I said open the door and he said what do you want? I said open the door--he opened the door and I went in, went upstairs and went to bed w/o saying a word.

The next morning my oldest said that his dad got home at 9:30 and asked where I was (he hasn't done this in months--in fact he goes out of his way to not ask me where I am. He has no right when he is doing what he is doing and he knows it)....

Why is he doing this? Why is he asking our son where I am? Why is he trying to lock me out of the house? Why does he even care that I am out til 1:30 in the morning?
He's getting what he wants...

I know that reality is setting in w/regards to what he is losing financially and he can't afford a D right now--but oh well!

My GF thinks it is a control issue--he can no longer control what I am doing...
another gf thinks that since reality has set in--I am getting a life and maybe someone else....he doesn't like what he sees or

I think deep down he doesn't want to think about what I am doing at 1:30 in the am...
Maybe I am still a possession to him--still his wife regardless that he has a mistress....

I know men and women think differently so I just want to know why what I do even matters at this point?


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking - FWIW my opinion is that he wants your attention. He's trying to get you to respond to him and he knows which buttons to push. Keep up the 180. That will really drive him nuts!!

Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks strongish....

I have been doing the 180..ignoring except for kids, house, finances and that doesn't seem to bother him...

but I have never just gone out and stayed out til 1:30 in the am...I guess there's a first time for everything....


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, you're always supposed to be there for him and be the safe good, etc. person. How dare you?!

Yes, sarcasm.

Getting divorced in this economy isn't easy. Too bad. His problem, not yours.

But the reason is exactly as your friend says: control.

Dip -- I see the humor in almost everything too. Alls I'm sayin' is that Nell needs to be careful not to use her excellent sense of humor as a mask to stuff down her emotions. "You can't heal what you won't feel."

I think anyone with a sense of the ridiculous sees the humor in our situations -- my life is the most ludicrous soap opera ever. My ACTUAL life.

Which is why one of my facebook "friends" is the group "I seem to attract absolutely bat-shit crazy people." ...

ETA -- Paddy:
She started OT last week (still doing PT) The poor kid just doesn't seem to know where her hands and feet are. She was trying some of that finger walking today but her little feet were all over the place. As for the hands -- we do things like play in oatmeal and whipped cream. It's amazing how much more coordinated they are when covered with some sort of goop. It's supposed to stimulate the connection between her hands and brain.

It was pretty fun! Although everyone needs a bath after and I have to mop, LOL, so it's best left for right before time to get ready for bed...

[This message edited by m334455 at 4:07 PM, February 7th (Monday)]


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
old dipstick
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Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3.

So that explains why I have always been attracted to you. I am bat-shit crazy! Yes I do understand what you were saying about Nell.

Thanks for the update. Hopefully she will see a lot of progress with the OT & PT. That is interesting concerning the messy goop. It make sense that it adds to the stimulation.

Looking.

He is losing his control and it is bothering him. I bet he is jealous about what you were doing out till 1:30. It is the double standard they have. During my W's A she was very jealous. She would sometimes get pissed if I talked to another woman, but it was o.k. for her to be screwing other men.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3,
If it helps calm your nerves, when I had the house to myself on Saturday I pitched such an excellent fit that my dog ran out of the room. I do get my emotions out from time to time, but I prefer to dig under them and figure out what's at the bottom of hurt/frustration/anger and deal with that by doing something about it. And yoga. And singing.

Have I mentioned that my 5yo and I sing "Ring of Fire" in the car quite often? Watching a 5yo do a Johnny Cash impression is hilarious and surreal.

That is comedy.

Dip, I'm okay with that. But I'm not going to grill stuff so don't even start with me about that.

Y'all moved a page while I was gone so now I'm going to forget stuff. I apologise in advance.

Allgood, I like where you are right now.

Miracle, what planet is pfm from, originally? The stuff you talk about... it ain't normal.

fnf, that happens in my house, too. My version: Any negative emotion I display is NOT OKAY. I couldn't figure it out for so long and I still haven't... that part of Nell doesn't jive with his idea of Nell, so he will argue with me about stuff that is true and/or stuff he himself has said that I'm repeating, just because I've said it and it's not "oh, lalala, marshmallow lollipops!" I think it's an FOO issue, because you could cut off both his mother's arms and she'd dive headfirst into lalala marshmallow lollipops.

I like to think animals are a good judge of people, but that's just to feed my own ego. We have a dog and a cat. Both animals vastly prefer me to WH and always have. I have (get this, more jocularity) a soothing influence on dogs and cats.

honest, I can't remember what you said, but I liked it.

Okay, WH and evil twin aren't home so I have to bundle Boyo2 up and drive over there instead of walking the dog. Bastards.

Nell out!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryin ...last week was pretty tough - with the doctors (my mother died from breast cancer when i was young so this really does get to me) & trying to balance work & after school meetings that I didnt get to look after myself ...ie no weight training, no running, no swimming.
Frid nite 1.5 hrs weight training, 4.5km in the pool over the w/e feeling much better. Quality fun time with the kids on sunday ( a new & different activity each w/e).
This week follow up 3 job leads, meeting with outplacement, doctors appoitment for me - re depression, review financial plan for this year & organise flowers for vday (i know its not 180 but...hey I love her).

Re-mourning - yes yes & yes but its more than for WW, its the release of all the emotions that I have held inside since my mothers death over 40 years ago - the loss of my mother, my protector, my carer, my loss of my childhood, my innocence, my world changed that day & it shaped who I became. I protected myself by withdrawing & holding everything in, I never allowed myself to get close to people not even my father except for 1 person & she betrayed me.My wounds are so very deep & now my defence mecahnism has failed...the flood gates have opened & a 40 year wall of emotions have been released. It takes time to rebuild a broken dam & to repair the damage the flood has caused.
1 piece of the wall at a time.

M33 - thanks for the Paddy update.

dip - Mad mag - loved it - cant look at a crow without laughing.
Any suggestions on what M3 can do with the leftover oatmeal & whipped cream?

take care tribe


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys--

dip---my GF says it's a man thing. Do as I say not as i do..they can't stand having someone else oogling or touching what they perceive to still be theirs....
Of course he didn't say that and wouldn't cause hes got no right with what he's doing....

But I just can't understand telling me he doesn't care what I do, doesn't want to be married anymore and then is gonna try to lock me out when I finally try to get a life...

is this indicative of true feelings coming out or just a reflex???


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking.

Well I think it is indicative that your H is just following one of the rules of being a WS. The one that says that a WS should be a selfish asshole. They seem to like the old do as I say not as I do saying. It is amazing how they think. BTW. Tell your GF that this is not just a man thing.

Nell.

You need to reconsider the grilling thing. Women who grill are just so very.............cool.

DP.

Mad mag was pretty bent. Now about what m3 should do with that whipped cream and oatmeal. The southern gentleman says that she should grill it. I hear that there are other uses for whipped cream. I do not like the stuff myself.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
LookingforLove
♀ Member
Member # 12002
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks dip--didn't think it would just be a man thing cause if it was me (never would be but let's just say it was) don't think I'd want some woman up in my H's face regardless of how I treated him....but I'm a jealous person..


Me: BS
Him: WS LTA 6+ yrs
OW: Skank Company HO
Status:
Divorce filed 4-5-11
WH served on 4-6-11 with D papers and NC order.
Divorced: 4/20/12

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Washington State
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF and Ats....
Excellent posts,very good insights.

Miracle-
I agree with Allgood.
I think that as long as you are co-habitating and have not filed for D ...then WS thinks there is still a chance for R.

Allgood-
You tell your husband that you are not OK with him going to a bar with toxic friends to watch the SuperBowl and.... he goes to BIL's instead.
Hmm...better choice...
but,the best choice under the circumstances may have been staying at home with his wife and kids to show how serious he is about saving his marriage.

M33-
Thanks for the baby Paddy update. Sounds like she is getting a lot of good rehab etc.
I continue to keep her in my prayers.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell, I get that about not expressing negative emotions. I felt that my whole life, I was NOT allowed to be angry! How dare I?? And when I feel angry, I feel guilty, so I usually respond with frustration and tears.
Having a fit when no one is home is a good catharsis. I used to beat up the bed, after my first xWH left. I used to exhaust myself with it.

Looking, I agree with the others, and also that your WH is probably acting from a variety of motives, he is jealous, he is being controlling. Many people judge others on their own feelings, so he might suspect you are seeing someone else, because that is what he is doing, and yes he doesn't like it.

And although he says he doesn't want to be married anymore, he still wants you to want him/love him. It's an ego thing. It's finally hitting him what the real losses are in the D.

M3, thank you for the Baby Paddy update. Oatmeal and whipped cream? Sounds like fun!! LOL. Believe it or not, you'll miss these days!!

Deep Purple: One of the hardest things about dealing with this betrayal, is that if there are things from our past that we didn't completely heal from, those old wounds open too. Even if we dealt with them very well, and were mostly healed. Some things that even surprise us that we thought we were healed from. I understand how hard it must have been for you to go through that scare with your wife.
It's good to see you moving forward with your job hunting and spending more time with your kids.

Trying to stay on the 180 train. Baby steps, baby steps.

{{{{Tribe}}}

Dip, grilling oatmeal?? lol.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deeppurple.. When my W and I went to Retrou, I learned something. Love is choice, a decision.

The love of a gift... That would be a choice by you. A gift of flowers you give to your W are beautiful to look at and the smell is good. That gift brings joy to some women.

Now on the other hand, if you decided to take that money you plan buying flowers for your W, and take it and do something special for your kids… That also is a choice, a decision to love your kids…and a decision to not to love your W.

Of course you have feelings for you W. They are feelings of loss. These feelings of Loss must also be bringing up your feelings when you lost your mother. You are mourning. Your reconciliation is going to be your ability to accept.

I can assure you, if you go positive, good things will come your way…

We lose our spiritual life when we try to hold on to perfection or changelessness…

It’s great you are working out,, 3 follow-ups! Great! Doing fun things with the kids at their age will be something you never will forget.. Cherish it because they will be gone before you know it. Those are the positive things I am glad you shared with us…

Don’t be a stranger..

BTW.. If your W comes here and reads some of your post dogging her.. The hell with her.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:16 PM, February 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep purple-
Just wanted to reach out to you and give you a hug.
The loss of your mom at a young age must have been very difficult. And now you have another loss-your WW.
I understand you wanting to buy her flowers for Valentine's day because you are a caring person,but, I wonder how she will take this gesture.
Do you think she will appreciate the flowers?
Will you feel better or worse?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJ - Yes she will appreciate the flowers.
Me - I'm ok with it - its a small gesture.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, February 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

looking: i think its more then just control...you said this was a first for you making it real for him that you are going on without him...he probably locked the door so that you would have to knock and "depend" on him to let you in, facing you face to face...huge control...and im thinkin an even bigger wake up call...you are moving on and you seem to be doing it bigger then him...he was home earlier...so that would be ego...


ats: ok, here goes a mini marshmallow 2x4: you have seen who she is now...things between you are not perfect...thats normal....why they are not perfect may not be normal, but every couple has issues here and there....you already know you love this woman...you need to decide once and for all if you are in or out.....you are not going to learn anything new at this point about her past with her om's, she is actively working on improving who she is and what your marriage is, she is actively trying to make sure you are happy...granted the sex part is still a work in progress, but the word is "progress"...after all the shit, she initiated over the weekend...

this is what your marriage will be for quite some time...is this what you want, and if so when these bumps occur and they will occur, get a plan on how to best handle them instead of rethinking bailing....

just my 2 cents...and about not being able too...don't sweat it, if you take the pressure off yourself i am sure things will return to normal....and if not then see the med dr and the therapist...but somehow i have faith it will all be ok

allgood: nope, he is not believing....

tryn: love the got milk dog...


nells humor: hold on to that humor girl...it will help you more then you could possibly know...now m3 while i agree that she needs to let out the anger, the fustration, the hurt and all that other lovely stuff....she is letting it out....as long as she puts it out there she is letting it out....and we all know that she is not facing everyday and every sich with that humor intact....and yes she does need to feel it to heal it...but who says that when you feel it you have to feel it in the worst way possible....feeling it with humor helps in perception, finding new ways to view the unviewable if you will....


and nell, i like your dog...seems to have great taste in peeps...


honest: good, i am glad that you are back on the beautiful train, the 180 express....and you know through experience that there are many many ways to implement the 180...


fnf: sadly you post resonated with me also...along with the inability to hear the truth and face it goes both ways actually....i think they have grown to believe their own lies....which thereby makes them their truth....i am tired so i hope i worded that to make sense...


m3: your ws is still a puzzle to me....and i am having issues believing who he presents to you....he seems to have mulitple personalities....


love the paddy update...sort of....hate that she is struggling and love that she is struggling...means i wish she didn't have to struggle but happy that she has the "fight" to work at it with help...


deeppurple: i was saddened to read of your loss of your mom so young....it explains alot on why you have this "need" to hold on to your ww......

ithink though that you need to alter some of your perception if you can...whereas your mom didn't have a choice when she died, you wife has the continuing choice to not be there for you.....if your mom could have she would have stayed, so even though i think you may have still felt abandoned, you were not......

if getting her the flowers will make you happy then do it, it you are only doing it to make her happy, i say don't do it...her happiness will only be fleeting if that...i think what she really needs from you is for you to step back.....

strong:

I have lied to him as well

so he doesn't look or feel as bad....but NOT....he is no position to be throwin those accusations at you....he lives in a really fragile glass house while you live in one made of brick....


update on me:

i have always been quite clear with pfm that i am indeed done, that he blew his opportunities and still continues to blow the only ones he has left with his kids.....he has been told so many times ....he chooses not to believe it....he cannot fathom losing me....its still all about him....never mind all i lost, lost permanently mind you....but he cannot deal with losing me...that is so not love...i told him that too....he just kept repeating over and over and over..."i love you, i have changed, i will never let you go, i will never stop"....

its been a really long day here today....with a few breaks here and there....but he never seems to run out of steam....he never did take no for an answer....

and thats another story....damn i should be writing everything down someplace...my life could really be a soap opera....

nite all, and thanks everyone for the hugs, they were very much appreciated and needed....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats…

It is more than poor barriers and a desire for affirmation.

IMO, No, not really. In your W’s case, I am sure she never learned proper barriers growing up. She just didn’t have it in her soul to make a decision that is based on commitment. It really is that simple.


still a long ways from being a healthy partner in the relationship

Maybe. Ats, sometimes in life you need to just let it go. I am sure today, your W knows what is” right” and what is “wrong”… at some new level.

So you take a risk.

We see the aspects of our FWS’s personality that enabled the LTA.

Yes, we do. But we still choose and make a decision to love or not love. All we can do is set our own boundaries and enforce them to the best of our ability. And when they are crossed, we decide if we forgive or not.


ats.. Nobody’s perfect. No body!


Let me give you some advice that I think will help your W heal too. This has worked very well for me. It takes the R to be in a certain place. I think you are at that place.


It is time for you to Forgive.


Let me tell you what to do to forgive.

- Make the decision to forgive.
- It starts with you being aware of your W’s affair but today you still decide to forgive.
- Now, today and forever, you make a choice and decision to stop keeping a record of wrong. This is an act of your willpower.
- Never again punish your W for what she has done.
- Never again tell. It is therapeutic to come here and talk about it. But coming here to purposely hurt your W or punish her can be controlled by you and not acted on.
- Be merciful. Be kind, do not punish, and compassionate.
- Be Gracious. This is tolerance. Boost your W’s image in the eyes of others.
- It is an inner condition. This is the hardest. This is when your brain and heart just lets it go. You have the “forgive them for they not know what they do..” feelings.
- It is the absence of bitterness. Another very difficult inward condition. This comes at the end of your grief and when you accept. This is hard to achieve.
-Forgiving God. The “why me” must end. God does turn evil into blessings.
- Forgiving ourselves. No matter all we did during this time in our lives.. It is now behind us…

You can make your brain do these things…

1) Make the choice to forgive
2) Make the deliberate and irrevocable choice not to tell anyone what they did.
3) Be pleasant to them should you be around them
4) If conversation ensues, say that which would set them free from guilt
5) Let them feel good about themselves
6) Protect them from their greatest fears
7) Keep it up today, tomorrow, this year and next
8) Pray for them

Peace to all today!

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:31 AM, February 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, February 8th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats… More on forgiveness.

First… forgiveness is a choice… It is not a feeling… You can make your brain do these things…
1) Make the choice to forgive…
- So today is that day. Today, you say to yourself, I am going to practice forgiveness.
2) Make the deliberate and irrevocable choice not to tell anyone what they did.
- So anyone you meet new, the A is history you won’t talk about.
3) Be pleasant to them should you be around them..
- This is for the OM. As little contact as possible with OM like you do.

But for your W.. You do all the desirables…These are Desire Builders
- Affirmation
- Positive attitude
- “Present and Future” Focused
- Communication
- Cooperative attitude
- Forgiveness
- Affection
- Positive “self Talk”
- Change
- Reliability
- Romance
- Prayer
Make a copy and give to your W… Ask her to do the same for you.. If one of you fails, then you say you are both commited to looking past what happened and start working at this list again and again.

4) If conversation ensues, say that which would set them free from guilt.
- Be ready. If it is said, just hug you W and tell them you love them for all that they are…
5) Let them feel good about themselves
- So, ask your W if she thinks she needs more MC, more IC.. If she says NO.. then don’t go.
- Tell your W you have decided to completely forgive her and decided you never again will bring up her past failings.
6) Protect them from their greatest fears
- Try and make sure they know they are safe with you.
- Make sure you avoid placing them into situations that scare them
7) Keep it up today, tomorrow, this year and next
8) Pray for them


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