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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura - You are brave. I cringe at even thinking about running into OW. I think I would run the other way. I'm not sure why I feel that way either.

Strongish - I want to run away too. Did it help you to have a couple of days to yourself?

I have been preparing my escape for the last year. I've separated all my bank accounts, changed my will and trust and health care proxy. Stashed some money. My office is located in a two family home. It has a lovely kitchen, full bath and my office is large enough to put a futon. I've installed a tv and the futon will be bought in a week or two. It scares me to read back on this because I really think I'm preparing for the exit. I'm just so unhappy. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I'm not getting what I need from FWH and that is part of the problem. He's cold and distant, he always has been this way so it's nothing new. It's just that I'm not sure I want to continue with someone that tells me "he won't change". The last time he told me he loved me was maybe a year ago? After Dday? There is no affection from him. He thinks affection is sex. I wonder what OW saw in him? I wonder if he was different with her?

I got off subject...I'll stop now.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nofun)))
(((Laura)))
(((Honest)))

It seems that quite a few of us are on the downward part of the roller coaster. I know that some couples make it through and R after a LTA, but it seems that that is the exception, not the rule.

I went for my run this morning and did some thinking about my FOO and my childhood. As an adult I realized that my parents M was a sham but as a child I was very happy. It was later when they D that the wheels fell off the bus for me and my family.

Bear with me as I share some of my history. I could use the insight of others...

I was in college when my parents S. At one point my Dad called up each of us kids and told us we were dead to him as long as we stayed in a relationship with my Mom. Needless to say I/we were devastated. My sister and I had helped pack up my Dad from our family home, get settled in an apt., and a few weeks later we get THE CALL. Well, we rallied with each other as best we could (3 were in college, one still at home in high school) but I was able to "escape" for the coming weekend and went to visit my FWH, who was also in college at the time. He was my KISA. He was the man that I turned to when I was troubled, or hurt, happy or upset. From Day #1 I thought he had my back.....but, I digress.

Flash forward and I've R somewhat with my Dad, although I keep him at arms length. I cannot/will not let him, or my Mom (she was quite manipulative during this time as well) get close to me again. From that time on I knew that I had no emotional support from my parents and so I got all of that from my FWH.

Several years later my BFF (we vacationed together, lived one block away from each other, dinner together weekly) decided that our moving to another state was a personal insult to her and she cut me off....really, just cut me out of her life. Our sons were friends and she would not allow her son and mine to even talk to each other. Once again, I felt betrayed by someone that I thought loved me for who I am. and once again my FWH was there for me. He was my rock, always had my back (or so I thought) and was always there for ME. I thought that he loved me no matter what. He had seen me through some tough times with compassion and love. It took years but my former BFF apologized in a letter but the damage was done. For the most part, I keep others at arm's length....my family and most of my friends. I now have one friend that I consider to be close but that's all.

Fast forward again and you see that my coping mechanism for these hurts/betrayals is to push them away and lock them out of my life. Is it any wonder that that's what my gut is telling me to do with FWH?? But here's the thing....he knows all of this about me. He was there during both of these episodes and he KNEW that I had pushed these people out of my life. (I now have a superficial relationship with most friends and my mom and dad.) But he never gave any of that a thought when he decided to have an A. He didn't give me enough thought to know how THIS betrayal would destroy me and our M. In fact, he tells me it "hurts" when I tell him that he betrayed me. Go figure.

So that's where I am now. FWH is sincere but seems kind of pathetic to me, KWIM? He's all talk, but not so much substance. I could go on but this has already been long enough. If anyone has read this far, then I thank you. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest this morning. Thank God for SI and the Tribe.

[This message edited by strongish at 8:28 AM, January 29th (Saturday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong: you need to take a deep breath here hon...i think you need to "see" that your stupid ws never intended to hurt you, yes that is what he did, but that was never his intention....bare with me here....he was selfish and wanted what he wanted, opportunity was there and he took it...never in a million years do any of our ws's ever believe they will get caught...so believing this secret will be a secret forever, his intention was to have it all.....

you have something so precious...you have a before, you have a good history, this man has been there for you, i never had that...so i know just how precious it is...

was he an asshole of epic proportions to do this...YOU BET.....does he need to own it...YOU BET...does he need to put his head between his legs and do cartwheels to make this up (not that it could ever be made up)...you bet...he needs to do whatever for however long....

but his intention was selfish, never to hurt you....with possible exception of honest's ws, because he really wants honest to accept his comfy sich...(NOT ).....

do i think your husband could do more...absolutely....
do i think your husband is not owning his shit..unfortunately yes he isn't...

you history sucks...i got me one of those too, with one exception, i have had an amazing mom...friends have come and gone through the years and my ws has never been there for me, in times of trouble he always added to it...except when my dad died..it was the only time he was ever there the right way...

strong i hope you do find someone, a friend irl and a good ic...and remember you have us...this board has been a life saver i think for all of us....


laura:

ok, deep breath for you too....now, i know you don't want to see this woman again and i don't blame you one bit....but hon, take your power back if this aunt is someone important to you , take it back and go see her...find out her hours and visit when she is not there....or go to administration, tell them your story, tell them that when you visit she needs to be assigned elsewhere, so that you do not have to see her and deal with her....

let her keep her job, its the high road...i took the high road too, and sometimes it sucks, i too wanted to out the ow...the second one...she is a judge, in domestic court...i would have loved to see her debenched and humilitated...but it would serve no purpose....and she is but one of many, she is not the problem my husband as well as yours is.....had she been a predator of sorts...maybe....but yours wasn't and neither was mine....

as for outing the coworker...i say no, as long as you know he is no longer banging anyone....she is happy, let her be happy and stay happy....if you get wind of a std, thats another matter...maybe you could tell this man to get himself tested and if he comes back clean let it be....if he refuses tell him the wife will know, std's are serious shit.....but this is putting yourself in the middle of a really sticky sich....

put yourself in her shoes....what would you want????


fun: yes its actually good that you are preparing...but not at the expense of finding out that this is really what you want.....give it your last ditch effort...if it does not work out then you are already set...

and define in simple terms to your ws exactly what you need...and that includes the definition of affection...and let him know that you want affection that does not lead to sex....you need that expectation of sex off the table at times....and then see if he is smart enough to follow directions...i hope so....


((((tribe))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strongish-
I also had a number of betrayals to deal with before my husband's LTA.

One had to do with my siblings etc.

And, my husband was there for me throughout that ordeal...but, guess what?

Eventhough, he also felt betrayed by my family membersand was very sympathetic and supportive of me...at the same time he was carrying on a LTA.

So, don't assume that experiencing it on the one hand necesarrily makes them realize that they are doing the same thing or even worse.

Remember...the way they could continue the affair was to compartmentalize.

So, it was all a separate thing in their minds.

And, yes... the majority of marriages do break up after LTAs but, many do not.

It all depends on how remorseful the WS is and how willing the WS is to do whatever it takes it save the marriage.


Nofun-
I'm so sorry that your FWH continues to be so cold towards you.

I know that my husbands continued love and caring and constant attention and affection is what has kept me in the marriage.

That, and his sobriety...

but, without all of his very romantic gestures I don't think I could have gotten through the trauma.

My self esteem was already very fragile due to growing up in such a dysfunctional home as a child with a BPD, NPD, alcoholic mother and a verbally and sometimes physically abusive father....

finding out that my husband found another woman attractive enough to have a 5 yr LTA and risk everything for... was a very hard thing for me to deal with.

The only way that I could have regained my trust and my sense of self was with a lot of love and affection from my husband.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura-
Why haven't you told OW#1's husband about the affair?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stongish - I agree with Miracle. You had a good history with your H. He seemed to be there for you. I don't really think any of the WS mean to hurt the BS...after all....they thought they would never get caught.

My FWH is very different than yours, he was really never there for me. He will tell you he was, that he supported me when I went back to school, supported me when I purchased the business. But in reality, I didn't need his permission and he figured because he agreed, that was what supportive was. I always did things on my own. Heck I've climbed a 40 foot roof before. Raised my kids without him. He was chasing OW for 12 years. That was all of my kids teen years plus some. And we all know what the teen years are like.

He always ran the other way when things got tough, and then he critisized. He was never affectionate or showed his emotions but I always thought he had some good qualities. I always felt he loved me. He was a shitty father, a shitty husband I just figured he was doing the best he knew how and after all...the vows said, for better or worse. And things certainly could have been worse.

It's just that I don't think I need to stay with the worse anymore. I really think I deserve better than worse.

Thanks for listening...((tribe))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the feedback and advice. It always helps to have another perspective and especially the words of someone who has experienced this before.

Yes, I do have a good history with FWH and that's why I'm still here and trying to R. And I have told FWH that I recognize that he could have left me high and dry and that I appreciate that he is trying. But he has not owned his sh** and that HAS to happen before I could ever be happy with him again. God knows I will never be able to totally trust him again.

I haven't been very helpful to anyone else these past few days. I'm sorry that I've been so caught up in my own drama that I haven't reached out to help any of the Tribe. Please know that I think of all of you every day and read all the posts...even when it takes a while to get caught up.

ETA - Oh yeah....about the WS not intending to hurt the BS....I compare this to the drunk driver. He didn't mean to hit the other car and kill someone, but he did choose to drink to excess and choose to then get behind the wheel. Just because they didn't intend to kilol someone else doesn't make that person come back to life. Is is tragic?? Yes. Was it preventable?? Yes. Did the driver know that they could get thrown in jail if they were caught? Yes...but they didn't think they would get caught. They feel bad about killing someone, but assuage their guilt by saying they didn't "mean" to hurt anyone. I can and have forgiven many hurts by my FWH, but this is one that has changed me. He "killed" our M as it was. Can it be better? Hopefully, that's why we're in MC and I'm in IC, but I won't compromise on his taking ownership of what he's done. He's still more concerned with making sure that he's still percieved as a "good" guy than he is about falling on his sword.

[This message edited by strongish at 1:50 PM, January 29th (Saturday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fun: i too had a the shitty husband and he still is a shitty dad....

for a long time i believed his intentions were always honorable but that he just was ignorant on how to do it better....i never stopped trying to enlighten him, from getting books, taping shows of oprah or dr phil making him watch them and read them...i even got a book on tape once....things would change for a week or so and then right back to where he was before....

i once told him years ago that our son, manchild was prime pickins for a pedaphile because the child was starved for his approval...and that if i ever find out that my son was indeed victumized because of him i would stab in his heart....still no changes....

he expected perfection from his kids...and fought for it...if they showed him a 99 his response would be, why didn't you get a 100....

BUT because i thought he always had their best interest at heart, i stayed.....and believed his intentions was honorable...

meanwhile the idiot was channeling who he could never be.....and damaging my kids along the way....i would fight him, but it wouldn't matter, i could not make him change, i could not make him "see"...and i used to pray every single day, sometimes several times a day for god to just open his eyes for him to "see" what he was doing....well the motto is be careful what youwish for, because now he does "see", and its destroyed our marriage...he "sees" now and still does damage....not at the same level, but the damage is already done, and pfm is too stupid to "listen" to do what he needs to do, he seems to think that because he not looking for perfection anymore and that he doesn't yell anymore he is done working on it.....

now he tries to jump on my bandwagon when i have any interactions with the kids...which makes me crazy...he will be in another room and will try to jump in on a conversation..and every single one of us, (me and kids) get annoyed when he does....

he rarely intiates anything on his own and even when he does the kids shoot him down....i think he has just about lost them and he has no clue what to do, nor does he seem to care enough to....

last week in family therapy manchild tells the therapist all pfm wants to do is to side with mom....just wants to please mom, never mind what else is going on....im telling you this child is GROWING Up...and i am amazed at how much they pick up on....pfm cannot do enough superficial stuff....he is constantly doing, but never does he dig, never does he own his own worst truths....he would rather empty a dishwasher...

strong: your drunk driver analogy....i like it, and if you really want to take to the next level there are all kinds of drunk drivers too....from the one who does it all the time to the mom who has 2 glasses of wine at a party and thinks she is fine....and for the most part most drunk drivers have the attitude that it won't happen to them, they can handle it and everything will be fine...

and you are right, some marriages don't survive and some marriages do.....and i really believe it is up to the ws on how the marriage survives...because whatever the ws puts into the marriage (provided the bs is open) (s)he will get out of it....kind of like you get what you pay for...you dont pay, you don't get....

(((tribe)))

[This message edited by iwantamiracle at 2:58 PM, January 29th (Saturday)]


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strong- I agree with the drunk driver analogy!
They knew there was the potential for tragedy but...they never believed that anyone would get hurt....it would just be this once.... no one will find out....everyone does this....
and then-d-day is for many WS a real eye opener.
Like the drunk driver getting into a serious accident, hurting an innocent bystander, going to jail, losing their license...
so many consequences for something that they thought was just a little fun....

That's what my husband's MOW said to a co-worker post d-day...when the co-worker said that I had said that they(meaning MOW and FWH) had destroyed our marriage.
What did the MOW say? she said... I guess I could have done better but... I thought we were just having fun....

yep, that's what she said to a totally shocked co-worker.
No remorse....no understanding of the total destruction ...although her husband had moved out, and eventually divorced her (this was not her first LTA and it was the last straw for her BS), her teen and young adult kids all found out about her adultery, her boss and co-workers knew about her inappropriate behavior at work and knew about her LTA with my husband...
she thought she was having fun...

oh yeah.. about a year post d-day I spoke with her husband who called to let me their divorce was final and he told me she had just gotten into some kind of car accident after leaving a bar....
so, yeah... drunk driving and LTAs -a similar mindset.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle- when you describe all the turmoil in your household between your kids and their father...is it really worth it for him to stay in the house?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strongish,
"You know, I'm not that bad. Other guys are much worse than me!"

Oh, your WH and my WH share a brain. That explains a lot. I've actually heard this many times, which goes along nicely with
never does he dig, never does he own his own worst truths....he would rather empty a dishwasher

Yep. So much easier just to pretend that everything is just fine... see? I'm doing the dishes! That means I'm better than [BIL, for example] because we're fairly certain BIL doesn't empty the dishwasher. Let us not pay attention to people who we admire, that we could work to be more like... those people might make us feel like we are not Great And Wonderful We. Let us instead hang out with utter losers so that we can feel superior in comparison. Ugh.

Laura, the OW1 sounds like she's a complete waste of skin. What an utter loser. I wouldn't waste any time thinking about her. Should you indeed run into her, a withering look and a turning of the head as if she doesn't belong in your eyesight would make her feel like crap AND she wouldn't get any sympathy from her pathetic loser friends about it.

I'm a big fan of The Looks, can you tell?

nofun,
You do deserve better, honey. The A was a dealbreaker and if you don't have a dealmaker in its place, then... ??? There's not a person in the world who wouldn't say, yeah, we totally get where nofun is coming from.

Okay, so two things. Plus a follow-up.

Boyo1's meeting with the psychologist was good, in that I think we have some solid next steps. She indicated that Boyo1's teacher is excessively unhelpful to his learning style. (In other words, she's trying to fit him in her box and wants us to fold him tighter so he fits instead of trying a different box.) So... next we fill out some forms. The psychologist is firmly on Boyo1's side. I also learned that she's a sympathetic crier. (I had a moment.)

WH and I were talking for a couple minutes about the teacher this morning, and I said something about how I just personally don't like her, how women who don't act their ages and are all cutesy-poo get under my skin, and I have to separate my dislike for her from my working with her for the good of Boyo1. WH asked if there was something else there, and I said, "yeah, her little 'I'm a 14-year-old' act reminds me of your mistress with her assigned cutesy nicknames, songs, baby-talk crap, etc. And I am not fond of my having to actually talk myself out of looking at her with distaste because she's not a homewrecker... it's something that is not my fault but something that I have to deal with. And I do." WH did not respond to anything I said except for saying that he was finding it difficult to talk to me about it when I was talking about that. Then said we had to leave or we'd be late. To which I said, that's fine. I'll be ready in about two minutes.

Later, I (of course) brought up the teacher thing and we had a discussion about her interaction with me about Boyo1 and her interaction with Boyo1 and the psychologist's brief words about the teacher (which tried to be PC but were obviously not positive!). So, good for me for stating my truth and then moving on and having a productive conversation. I've said what I needed to say and I never have to say it again. As for WH, at least he didn't defend OW's cutesy-poo I'm-a-14-year-old-be-my-daddy crap.

Other thing, on the stupid theme. Boyo1 had his pinewood derby race this morning. I was in charge of the car this year. WH and Boyo1 took the car to the last-minute weigh-in last night. WH and I had several discussions about how the weight needs to be in the back of the car if it is to win. I didn't come up with that on my own. The long-time Cub Scout leader mentioned it at the meeting that I took Boyo1 to, and I reported back to WH. The website where they showed winning cars mentioned it and I shared that with WH, too. So Boyo1's car was a little light and WH decided that he would add weights to the front of the car to counter-balance the back. Based on nothing other than his own damn arrogance. So Boyo1 lost every single fricking race because the weights in the front slowed the car down. Boyo1 was obviously unhappy and WH said, "oh, he doesn't care." I pointed at Boyo1 (across the room and not looking at us) and said, "Look at him. He cares." I then said I thought we were going to have to spin this as a "next year, we'll know to put the wheels further out and KEEP THE WEIGHT IN THE BACK." WH nodded sagely, later said, huh, so I guess the weight really should be on the back. We were in separate cars and the Boyos were in WH's car, so I spent the ride home lambasting my stupid WH about his arrogance, etc. the whole time, got home and gave the doggie and good petting and felt much better!

That is all. Thank you for letting me vent!

Now I am waiting for WH to get home from getting his tires replaced so that I can go to the store and get supplies for Boyo1's school play costume. You're all jealous, I can feel it through my keyboard.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd run away with you gals but I'd have to be home on Fridays to take care of my precious 18 mo. old grandson!

Also, I have no income... sad to realize I have no independence so here I am. My retirement assets are locked in as I took a package for health reasons in '95.

Big trigger today... major lack of communication... won't go into it... just one more example of his being oblivious to what is going on/or NOT going on between us. I haven't had a meltdown for months. TG for Xanax in addition to chronic condition meds. As long as I don't say anything A-related all must be well, I guess. I'm tired of having to 'draw him a picture' for things that should be obvious. Where does a spouse get the idea that they are single? Vows? Commitment? More than half our lives together! and he does not consider me as part of the equation when attending a function in support of people we have known for years. Vent! If I start I may not be able to stop. He's been calling from work to our landline and my cell. I haven't answered until a few minutes ago. I should have ignored the phone. I knew that I did not want to discuss anything on the phone.
He thinks "Sorry" and "I don't know" are the answers to all things. No IC or MC for us in a year... back to square one if we were to get an apptmt any time soon and he's not available for the next month anyway.

I know, I'm preaching to the choir. Somebody just kick me. IWaM... how do you do it? and with kids to be concerned about? I don't know how any of us are not just blithering fools from the treatment we get from WS's.

{{{LTA}}}

I have an hour to get myself together emotionally. I'm just so tired of being sick and tired.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lostsoul)))


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, your WH and my WH share a brain. That explains a lot. I've actually heard this many times, which goes along nicely with

never does he dig, never does he own his own worst truths....he would rather empty a dishwasher

Yep. So much easier just to pretend that everything is just fine... see? I'm doing the dishes!

I posted and then read the messages since IWaM's last post. So true. The drunk driver analogy... doing the dishes... How do we get in such parallel lives?

Nell... I can't believe you wrote my thoughts.

And this too: nofun,
You do deserve better, honey. The A was a dealbreaker and if you don't have a dealmaker in its place, then... ??? There's not a person in the world who wouldn't say, yeah, we totally get where nofun is coming from.

{{{NoFun}}}

I sure wish we could have an LTA get together...


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Nell}}}

I just read the last part of your post. Memories of cub scouts with our sons. Actually big boys have these races still... on Navy frigates with beer can cars. I have photo to prove it from FWH's Tiger Sail in 2008 (with our middle son who is in Cdn Navy}.

Do I go read in the Library? or one of the other forums? or Facebook maybe where I can possibly get a laugh or 2?

I really do want to run away! but that would kind of be imitating FWH in that he avoids sincere conversation at all costs. We'll see who initiates communication when he gets home.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((lostsoul))))


My mother told me today that she just tolerates my H out of respect for me and the kids. She said that she knows I will never get over what happened and that she is proud and amazed at how I have kept my family together dispite what has happened.

But she did say that the one that suffers is me for staying with H for the sake of everything else.

She also said that he is to be pitied because he ruined everything in his life that was wonderful. "The poor bastard."

I told her that someday I may just pack up and move on. She said, and nobody would blame you. I told her that H is just someone that tags along for the ride. Nobody really cares if he's here, not even his children.

Miracle - kids know, they feel it in their soul. I've tried like you to help my husband see the light. He never gave them kudos, nothing was ever good enough. Like you said, if it was 99%, it wasn't good enough. My son25, calls him "the asshole." Not to his face, but nonetheless all my kids feel the same way. They respect him because he is their father but that's it. It's actually quite sad.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mother passed in 2004 and didn't know about the A. She loved my H like a son and would have been devastated by this news. He was in the A then and did not come to support me when she died (he was in SD on business claiming he could not change travel plans). The church she joined when we moved her to the West coast (my sister found an intermediate care facility for her there as we were living in the East & could not offer this) held a memorial service and we brought her cremains home for another service later that summer. FWH & I could attend as he has business travel closer to home city at that time. This was the week he told me that his request to move back has been Ok'd. I still don't know if I'd have been willing to make that move if I'd know of his A with the co-worker living here. He continued the A throughout the wedding preparations of our oldest son and youngest/only daughter. I was still blissfully unaware and can't fathom how these events didn't cause him to rethink his behaviour at all.
He has no answers for me... "I don't know" is his refrain. He has not read anything or searched inside himself for the reasons. We watched episodes of Oprah & Dr Phil together during his A and never flinched or let me know in any way that we weren't on the same page concerning affairs or betrayal of vows, etc.

He's home. Later, tribe.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostsoul - I can so relate to a lot of what your wrote. Probably most of us could. My mom loved my H as her own son also. Now she has no use for him. She is kind to him, but only for me.

When I look back over the 12 years he was in the A, everything we ever did as a family or together, I think, "oh he was in the A at that time." It ruins all my memories. I can't even look at old pictures anymore. Thank God I didn't know what was going on when my daughter got married. How he walked her down the aisle and listened to the vows with a stone face is beyond me.

I told my mother today that I hope he rots in hell with OW and that when I die I don't get to see him or OW EVER AGAIN!! That will be my peace.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope he rots in hell with OW and that when I die I don't get to see him or OW EVER AGAIN!!

I would hope this, too... except I'm going to have to be a much better person if I'm going to be allowed in the Other Place. Maybe I'll just hope for different levels in hell, and a broken elevator.

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 7:57 PM, January 29th (Saturday)]


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, January 29th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Nell - I thought I was the only one that thinks of these horrific things. It makes me feel like such a terrible person. But I don't care!!!


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
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