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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a nice weekend everyone.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AGNG

Hope you have a nice weekend too

(((((((Tribe)))))))

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep thinking it's maybe the Plain of Lethal Flatness, but I don't know. It's disconcerting to not even remember how loving him felt. It's an empty, lonely feeling, and I've had just about enough of empty lonliness in this marriage

I think the lonliness is the worst.
Tryn: I am NOT happy.

do you like him?

Yes

do you enjoy spending time with him?

Yes

does he still turn you on?

No

do you laugh when you are with him?

Yes

Survey says......WE SHOULD BE ROOMMATES!!

M3 - any suggestions on books?

allgood - Maybe you are right and I should take a break from R. I need a vacation all by myself.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

((((tribe)))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl: I am so sorry!!! You have been through too much trauma in your life!!!

{{{{UKgirl}}}}
I admire your strength and fortitude. Your WH better know what a jewel he has in you!!!


Nofun:

Survey says......WE SHOULD BE ROOMMATES!!

LOL!!

This really made me laugh!! and sadly I think a lot of WS's would want it to be roommates with benefits!!

UKgirl, I agree, I think M3's quote should be my mantra!

...that while I would love him no matter what, I would NOT be his wife no matter what!

Yes, I'm memorizing this!!!

Miracle, I hope you are feeling better with your cold.

Also, I saw in "Fun and Games" a thread recommending a site called: "damnyouautocorrect.com" I went to the site and haven't laughed out loud like that in a long time!! It was a good catharsis.

{{{tribe}}}}


Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jan 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest

damnyouautocorrect.com

Love it. Check out number 31. had me rolling on the floor!!! and so appropriate here. (It was sent to Brad by Fiona in case the number changes)

Hope all are well.

Fun

Thinking of you

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 9:34 PM, January 21st (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ukgirl: you have been through lots of trauma dear one...lots....if i could i would give you an irl hug, but since i cant exactly get to you..


(((ukgirl)))

and no you never forget your trauma's, but you do find a place for them....


fun:

Survey says......WE SHOULD BE ROOMMATES!!




i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
strongish
♀ Member
Member # 29259
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, January 21st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need a vacation all by myself

Was just telling a friend tonight that I may "run away from home" for an overnight by myself. FWh comes home tomorrow and will be around for the next 6 days. I'm dreading the walking on eggshells, watching every word and gesture I make....I just want some peace. I'm thinking a hotel room with room service, movies and sleeping in. Anyone interested??


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
brokenpromise
♀ Member
Member # 28859
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nofun

I don't love mine the same, I don't think I ever will either. I loved him completely, blindly, and innocently. For forty years, I believed in us - and well, he didn't. I am wanting to R but - I can't see myself ever surrendering my heart to him like that again.

UKgirl - I am just so sorry. You have tremendous inner strength - you do know that?

Still trying to keep up and learn everyone's name and stories - but hugs to the tribe


BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jun 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry edited because double post but only half?????

laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 1:05 AM, January 22nd (Saturday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi BP

I don't love mine the same, I don't think I ever will either. I loved him completely, blindly, and innocently. For forty years, I believed in us - and well, he didn't. I am wanting to R but - I can't see myself ever surrendering my heart to him like that again.

I am so sorry. I just read your profile again and I know you are so hurt as we all are. Like you I know that I will never love my H again with that same trusting innocence. Sometimes "I think welcome to the real world Laura. You've been blinkered for so long. Now you have woken up and it's not a nice place."

So now our world is forever changed. We will never have that innocence. If I had a new partner I KNOW I would find it so hard to trust.

I sometimes think of my life now as being like three doors

Door Number 1 go on loving (or trying to RELOVE) my H

Door Number 2 be alone

Door Number 3 find another

That's it really isn't it? 3 choices. At the moment I am choosing door number 1. But I know that door number 2 beckons at times and well I honestly don't think I would ever be able to enter door number 3 and feel confident and safe.

I remember about 6-7 years ago (H was with OW2 then) he was being really difficult. After a particularly bad day I said to him, "Do you realise just how miserable you make me sometimes? I hope that when I'm on my death bed you remember me saying this. You make me so unhappy. I try so hard to do everything right but you are so hard to get on with. Why won't you try? I just want us to be happy. I don't want to die feeling like I do now. I don't want to look back on my life as miserable". He was so awful to live with that my daughter (who was 16 at the time) once said, "Mum, he is such a dickhead. I don't know why you married him or why you stay with him". I actually DEFENDED him and told her she shouldn't talk that way about her father!!

I know that this is where my anger comes from. I am ENRAGED that he treated me so badly and I kept trying. I have told him repeatedly since dday that I feel he and his OWs stole part of my life. A huge chunk that I can never get back. I have actually said to him "I only get one life and you stole a huge part of it. I could have been happy with someone else and you conned me and - not only that- you made me miserable!" I feel so cheated because he was such an A-hole, I kept trying but he didn't care about our M. I have told him that during all these years when HE made ME miserable I never cheated, I kept trying but he didn't give a shit!! (sorry mini vent here)

Many on SI actually talk about how wonderful they thought their Ss were prior to dday. Sometimes I envy them. My h has never been "wonderful". I loved him because I believed in M, I believed in my vows and thought that if I tried harder things could be better. He was actually very difficult to live with for much of our marriage. He always blamed me and to be honest I often thought that if I did this or that or said this or that things would be better. But they were never going to be better. I believe that while he had his whores he didn't need to be nice to me - I was just THERE - and he could be "happy" with them. I also think that he was actually eaten up by guilt and this made him cranky. He knew I was a good, faithful wife who was trying to make him happy and he was off whoring. Stupid isn't it. So selfish and stupid. They had loving Ss at home who wanted happy marriages and then went off with OP's.

The REALLY stupid part is that none of them made him happy really. He stayed with me, he could have left, and still wants me. I just don't understand their stupidity at times.

Your H had you. A loving wife.

I must say WS has shown true remorse and is working hard at being honest. He anwsers every question. He holds me when I am sad and broken which is most of the time and cries with me often. I believe he does want our marriage to work and has done everything right. He says he always loved me and I guess I want to believe it.

It sounds to me as though you have a really good basis for a successful R but I do understand how the hurt, fear and rage make it difficult. My H is also doing so much- he really is trying. But I do undertsand your hurt, rage and fear. I feel them myself all the time.

Thinking of you BP. Take care honey

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 2:13 AM, January 22nd (Saturday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Strong

Sorry you are feeling down. I would love to come for a sleepover. Alternatively, you are welcome to come holiday with me. Sadly I think Australia is a bit far

HUGS honey and I hope you feel better soon.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Butterfly update:

I released 2 more newborns this morning. Here is one of them

.

I also saw this one in my garden. Isn't he/she lovely!

I think all the rain we have had in Australia is good for them and they are starting to breed up. I have seen lots of other colours as well. Haven't seen so many butterflies for years But they are VERY hard to get pics of!

Love to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Laura.. Those pics are really great...
Isn't he/she lovely
She is!


I read where Australia had those butterflies introduced... Us yanks my guess... a hitch hike I suppose.. lol.. This is my W's hand this past summer... I would love to see your landscapes you wake up too... A vision flashed in front of me.. You have inspired me… Let me see if I can put it in an image post to my infidelity feelings page...

Let's see if you can understand this Nofun... It was me that told my W I was going hiking at the McCormick's Creek State Park and horseback riding and wanted her to go with me (She had a no horseback boundary.. lol) That is where I felt good taking that picture..

It is me that hugs more often, it is me that brings gifts 70% more often, it is me that must initiate sex.. I bring up romantic talk, I plan romantic evening, it is me wanted and bought that camera and started a new hobby..

it was me that read all the books on relationships.. it was me that asked my W to go to Retrou, go for me... it is me that decided I would learn how to cook for my W and I do it..

It was me that started to sit down and have a glass of wine with my W and just talk and do this almost every evening... It is me that decided to stay with my W... It is me that decided I stay and R...

It is me that never wants her to ever feel her sin is interfering with my own happiness.. I is me making a 100% effort to never bring up her failings... It is me that decided to fight every urge to stop discussing her failings…

It is me that decided that made a decided that my reminding her of her weakness in life hurts… It was me that recognized that to heal, she needs to know I am over this.. this needs to be placed away... in a way never to punish her! It was me that said to myself I need to pardon…

It is me.. Not her. It is me that wants to make my own life full of happiness… It's me that is going to partner with someone that is going to be good to me.. It is me that is going to partner with someone that is happy... treat me like I want to be treated...

It is me that has to dig so deep with courage to say things like.. Can you please be sexy to me so I can feel wanted..

It was me that said, If you need to text your new boss while at the Colts game on our personal time, You are going to do it without me...In fact, throw on any personal relationship with him or any man..

It was ME.. ME... ME.. I am not going to allow a soul on this earth stand in my way of my own happiness.. Not my kids, my W, my boss... NO ONE... GOT IT! It is me that does these things for my own happiness...
Know what.. I'm finally happy..

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:09 AM, January 22nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a lot of WS's would want it to be roommates with benefits!!

I think this is pretty much my H's goal. And, to be honest, it's starting to be my goal... (I'm ashamed to say I fell off the wagon this week. )

Laura:

I could have been happy with someone else and you conned me and - not only that- you made me miserable!" I feel so cheated because he was such an A-hole, I kept trying but he didn't care about our M. I have told him that during all these years when HE made ME miserable I never cheated, I kept trying but he didn't give a shit!!

I think a lot of us here at LTA would say the same about our marriages before/during the A.

For me, before the A, we had drifted apart as I was 100% focused on the kids & just assumed my M would always be there without giving it much attention. (My bad.) My H had a lot of things I didn't appreciate, but he wasn't a raging a-hole until the A started. It was 2 months before DDay when I told him to get out - that he was making me miserable. Only then did he tell me that I'm not the only one who has complaints & that he's been miserable "for years". I broke down (which prior to DDay - I'd say I cried maybe 3 times as an adult) and we said we loved each other, we were going to try, ya-da, ya-da, ya-da....
Pisses me off that I was trying while he didn't do a damn thing other than play with the 1 kid that is interested in the same thing as him. He will swear up & down that he meant it at the time & that he wanted to work it out, yet has no explanation why he couldn't make the connection to stop f-ing someone else.

Anyhoo...

Got to go catch the 180 train.

Love the pics Laura again.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: I really don't know how you do it. I'm glad you have been rewarded for your efforts tho.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

allgood...
we had drifted apart as I was 100% focused on the kids & just assumed my M would always be there without giving it much attention.

Show me a marriage that doesn't have this over time..

ZERO


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood.. My wife is no different than your H...

When she sees all this stuff I do for her.. She makes a choice to returns so much to me.. I will not accept anything other. It will say it in a loving way (taught me by... ) to her.. in the form of poem, a letter, a discussion... I seem to my point across and she seems to want to give me what I need...

It wasn't like that before dday.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:04 AM, January 22nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn: my H is all about the loving in a lot of ways. He will initiate sex. He will initiate the compliments. He will send me texts, etc. to show me he is thinking of me etc. What he won't do, is make me feel safe, by acknowleding my feelings when he disagrees with them, provide me with emotional support or respect the boundaries regarding his social life. So, this undermines all of the good stuff in my eyes. (He can get to the point where he can acknowledge that some of his actions create this perception for me, even though he not doing anything wrong in his eyes, he just can't go that extra step and stop doing stuff that scares the crap out of me.)
It's been 3 weeks since I told him I'm done and he hasn't done a damn thing to show me he can make me safe. He's been overly helpful at home and trying to be very attentive to me, but that's not what I need him to work on and I'm done trying.

Anyway - someone posted this link:

http://damnyouautocorrect.com

I am only on the 2nd page & had to stop because I am literally laughing out loud, with tears streaming down my face and I was about to wake my sleeping children (gasp) with my uncontrollable laughter.

THIS IS A MUST READ!!!

[This message edited by Allgoodnamesgone at 7:22 AM, January 22nd (Saturday)]


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood... People learn through repetition. I would not have felt safe after what he did Christmas...


Q.. What is the most scared I have ever been? HDIFAT?

Dear Lord..

I want us to please find away to keep my M.. I thank God for so many happiness’s you bring to me when the man I know is here with me.

Dear Mr. Allgood,

The most scared is when I think about our marriage ending. The fear from loneliness is like a pressured headache that won’t go away. I fear I won’t have someone to touch me and feeling the warmth. A fear that a pounding noise from the kids demanding more and more of my time… pulling and pushing my coat. My fear might compare when 9-11 happened and they called you to help and you didn’t know if your Sargent was going to call you to enter one of those buildings and that day you told me you thought you might die today. All the effort to start over scares me that others may take advantage of me. The fear makes me stay with you. These fears overcome my soul when I know you will be near someone I know you loved too. My stomach turns and I cannot sleep. I run to somehow make it end but my mind cannot stop.

Truly, Ms. Allgood

Mr. Allgood reads your letter and now understands he must just listen… He must acknowledge your feelings… He heard that day, and he may or may not believe it but he heard it, feelings are what they are. He heard and learned that day at Retrou you cannot help others feelings but can do things that may change feelings.

He may not wanted to be sitting around listening attending that meeting but maybe. He doesn’t like those stupid meetings at work he must attend to keep his job.. He does it to keep his job. It is a requirement to save his job.. it is his work relationship…

Will you really care if he write you a letter of meaningless shit.. or are you afraid he may even draw you a stick person vomiting? If he give you that.. then know he the reality.. he is hurting and suffering.. and sick. You’ll know he has given up.. You can make a good solid decision to change for your own happiness.

Will He see that living a married singles lifestyle destroys a marriage?

A presenter will tell his story about how he loved to go out drinking and flirting. He had an affair. He will describe his own pain of why he did it… he went in and discussed what he watched his best friend (his Wife) went through, then tell what he did to overcome it.. He attended AA.. got a new job.. Did I see guys shed tears when this man with such courage told his story? Yes. It’s real life and a powerful moment in time.. not some frickn hollywood video or TV show..

Will he see how people can forgive? Yes…

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:01 AM, January 22nd (Saturday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 22nd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's me that is going to partner with someone that is going to be good to me.. It is me that is going to partner with someone that is happy... treat me like I want to be treated...

MY H IS NOT HAPPY....he is never happy...nothing is good enough.

Tryn - how did you deal with the emotions at Retro? I'm nervous about that.


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
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