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User Topic: Long Term Affair Part 22
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Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So true.
One thing that men don't realize is how differently the OW look at the LTA.
Even if there is no 'love'in the affair-women are VERY competetive.
In most cases they want the guy to pick them over the wives! Even if they do not particularly want the guy.

Ats- sorry that your positive state of mind was ruined by this stressful sitch.
Try to separate it from the LTA ( I know ..easier said than done).
Try to discuss it when calmer.
Maybe there is a way to do this-let DS live away at school.
I would have a family meeting about it and discuss the pros and cons...also that you did not appreciate that it was done without a family discussion since it involves family finances etc.
Make DS part of the solution and problem solving process.
Start out by saying that he is an adult now (he'll like that) and needs to make decisions like an adult.Which means including others in the decision.

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
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Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey ats... My DD18's school has a study that shows kids living off campus have 3 or 4 times greater chance at failing and also the GPA is something like .4 lower. More arugument for you to hold steady... It's your money too.. right? For me, if my kids had a great paying job that would cover 100%.. It's there life. But I control the money, I control the decision. I say it with a big smile I see nothing wrong with taking your position and you communicating message.

Maybe give inncentive? 3.5 gpa = apartment. You make a 3.5 in college you are a responcible kid.

Triggers triggers...
When we have triggers.. why do we let them linger? Why cannot we let them go?
My worst triggers happen when I do it to myself. I see the Extended Stay hotel.. My mind thinks of the exact property they met... I somehow place myself with them.. him arriving early.. opening the back door for my W... them going into the room with wine, kissing and F'ing... then talking naked next to each other.. discussing me.. our kids... We let these thoughts go on and on...

We have the power to stop them. It takes some strenght in your own mind. When we see the Extended Stay hotel, We must say.. I understand that was then and this is today. My spouse is a changed person... think about today... what is something my spouse did for me recently? She gave me a neck rub.. held my hand last night... We can also make a phone call to a friend to see what's up!

What we do is to somehow shift our thoughts to better things, happy things at the same time know the A for what it was.. a mistake in life that so many people make...

What I am saying takes some time... but if you start doing this... the triggers won't be pain for long... your mind drifts to other things.. if you linger on it.. it will continue the hurt.

It also takes a spouse that is loving you too.. doing all those desirables I speak for this to work.

It takes some time too. You must do this everyday. EVERYTIME...

For some reason, I can see my W F'ing other man in my mind and it does not anger me anymore. It does not give me any emotions... It might be because it happened over and over in my brain it just doesn't have the impact.

But don't linger on the negatives..

I hope this helps...

How do other deal with triggers?

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:11 AM, January 19th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning all!

NJGal: I'm sorry to hear you are triggering. Part of your past tho. Try to remember it the way you would any past event - it's sad, grieve a bit, but it has no impact on your present or future. Don't go down the path of "if only"s...

You love your H, he loves you. You are both committed to each other. In the bigger scheme of things, it's a sad moment in your history

Ats: Time, time, time. Especially if this has been a good cop/bad cop kind of thing throughout your marriage. She's making wonderful strides, as are you. This is just another area for you two to work on in the future. Maybe memorialize this in a journal or something and when you guys are ready to address these kinds of issues (I forget =are you still in mc?), you can bring it up as an example.

To the ladies: White wine for me regardless of season.

UKGirl: coffee for the first time?!? I don't even know what to say - that's right up there with Honest & Miracle not being mani-pedi fans. But then again, I've never had tea...

Honest: how's the cigarette thing going? And did you sign up for that class?

As for me - I'm fine. I approached my H last night - as aI thought, he wants to be married 100%, but doesn't know what to do, yet highly resistant to mc, never mind Retro. I tried to point out the value in each and let it go. I'm not forcing him to do anything. I made it clear that he doesn't have the skills to handle this alone and pointed out to him where his inaction for the past 2 weeks has got him. Also told him I had started preparing the agreement. I think he was a bit insulted - that there's no reason for it - he would give above & beyond to support the kids. Nonetheless, he will sign whatever I draw up.

I tried to impress upon him that this is not about him showing me he loves me. I know that he does. It' sabout convincing me that I can be safe wtih him and to me, the first step is to acknowledge that I have not been his priority, or that his actions have established that I'm not. Asked him to think about the occasions where he has shown that I'm not his priority - that he didn't even consider me in his decisions and how he would do something differently.
I don't have high hopes, so I'm continuing to keep my distance from him.

Gots to go.

Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NJgal, we were cross posting last night. I'm so sorry you are having some triggers.
What an idiot to show up at your father's funeral!! I'm sure she wanted to check you out and in a crazy way to show "support" for WH!!

It's so very hard to deal with the triggers, Tryn.
It depends on the strength of the trigger, too. Some small/medium ones I ride out for a minute of so, and then take back the power if I can. The larger triggers are more troublesome. Just seeing something that reminds me of the A or a certain aspect of it, I have to focus that this thing I'm seeing now is different, is not what it's representing. Trying to see the thing for what it really is and not let the symbolism of it control me.

The problem with dealing with these triggers, is that it can be emotionally exhausting. Over time, as we gain control or take back our power, it gets easier. Some things are very hard to to take back, or weren't even ours to begin with.

The one I'm still working on is my daughter's name that he gave to OC #1.

Maybe I should make another list of triggers and work on them one by one. But sometimes a trigger comes up and surprises you when you least expect it. That's when you need to focus on the moment.


Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope one day I can deal with triggers like tryn. I don't do well with them. I tend to dwell, I can't get the thoughts out of my mind. It lasts for days until I get to the panic attack mode. I get angry, mad and then I take it out on FWH. I feel like running, I feel like cashing it all in and moving on.

If I tell FWH I'm going down the shoot, he runs, he says he can't take it any longer. He gets defensive, I cry.

Then it starts all over again. It's the mind movies.

I hate it all.

BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
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Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allgood, we were cross posting too. I'm glad that you and Mr. Allgood got to talk and that he does want the marriage 100%. But you will be back at square 1 again with the same behaviours.

You've been through a lot these past few weeks. Take a breather, Allgood and just enjoy yourself and the kids. Try to live in the moment and enjoy those moments. (now I have to go and take my own advice).

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok...i am not feeling well a bad cold...

no biggie...just feel like crap...also feel like i look like crap...

eyes, watery and half lidded....
hair..grey roots coming through and a total mess...
eyebrows...i think need some tired to look at them in a magnifying mirror (cant see them otherwise)....

so anyways...i feel like crap and i look like crap....why am i telling you this...because this am 3 separate men, my age still owning all their own teeth all flirted with me...2 of them called me beautiful....and frankly it feels fucking wonderful...yup it sure feels good...

ats: ok take a really deep breath, and then another....try to be rational here...he is 18 and basically still a child trying to be an adult.....

as for your wife: give her a's get stuck in their ruts of doing, mom's get protective and this mom in particular i'm thinkin does lots of guilt which makes a bad combo....the way she reacts to your son has NOTHING to do with her past separate that issue...

yes she needs to consider your opinions....your feelings are hurt, but your opinions here matter more since this is an issue affecting your separate your feelings (yes i know what i am asking) and go with your gut opinions and speak to her like her opinions matter even though you disagree, treat her with the respect she deserves as his mother who is really is trying her best even if she is wrong...

as for him living off campus...instead of saying no, someone here said get a job to pay for it and someone said if he pulls a gpa of i think you should employ both of these as you are not saying no, but you are giving him real life solutions to him getting what he wants...

tell him you will not pay for it, and that if he maintains a gpa of 3.5 you can help him out with some bills here and there....that is provided you have the extra money...if not...he pays for the whole thing...which would probably be a better life lesson for him...let him see what it is to support himself....

in this way you are not saying no...its a yes, a conditional yes...

and talk to your wife about this first...stand strong and let her know you love her...loving someone does not mean you need to always agree with them...

ukgirl: wow, first time for coffee....i do not like coffee the aroma though...i am a tea drinker, a hard ass basic tea drinker...

I have to forgive myself. But I canít.

what is it that you cannot forgive yourself for?....because as much as you were responsible for your contributions to the marriage 100%....marriage issues are to be dealt with within the confines of the marriage...he made his choice to break that covenant he made with you...he went outside the marriage...and if you feel guilty because of what you put up with...why....didn't you take the vows for better for worse....other women were not meant for the worse part...didn't he take a vow of fidelity...did you for one minute ever believe he would break a sacred vow......this is not like a menial sin here...he didn't just do something bad, he broke his vows to you and to god....a sacred promise...not something you could have seen coming unless of course he told you it would flags...hell we all see them after the many people live with knowing before the fact....

fact is you couldn't know...and even if you didn't want to know, ignored some signs for a while...that is called being human....its called denying that which can destroy us...its a self protective shield that we put up.....hell after d-day that is when not only all the flags were red..they were bleeding and still i could not humanly comprehend all i needed to be able to "see" all i needed to see, acknowledge, accept and live with....

its all a process...and you are at a point in time that you decide now what you want to you want to proceed in this proactive you choose to be...and how much you can "see" and accept....and when you make that choice i believe you will make it happen...first you have to choose it, then you have to live it the choice....

oh and i don't do wine either...did i hear someone yell out mudslides!!!

i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
old dipstick
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Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I think that the others have given you good advice about the situation. I do want to say that you need to remember how hard you and your W have worked to get to where you are. Every M has these problems. All of this A crap and personality stuff just seems to make things more complicated. You can handle this. Remember, you are the one who figured out how to get the grill marks on the pancakes.


Sorry to hear that you have a bad cold. I want to make you feel better too. So here goes. You are beautiful. Now you have had four men flirt with you and three call you beautiful.
Spring must be just around the corner. I heard the call for mudslides. Next we will be hearing the talk about about those silly cabana boys.


Sorry about the funeral trigger. It seems like this stuff just keeps coming at you. BTW, guys are very competive too.


Triggers suck. I try and push them out of my mind. Think about other stuff. Triggers are sneaky bastards though. They sometimes come at you when you least expect them. Those are the hardest to deal with.

Hugs to the tribe.

Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A

Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
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Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we have triggers.. why do we let them linger? Why cannot we let them go?

Well, you can if you so choose. We all have control over our thoughts and actions. Well, at least if you're sane.

I had a trigger two days ago. My former now married nannny (J) and I were moving pictures from the computer to a zip drive for her and as we opened one file there was a picture of OW. 14 months out and there are still pictures of her buried in the computer I haven't found yet (um ... we're up to 40,000 pictures, LOL) Anyway -- J and I saw the picture and I just sighed and said "you just can't get away from this shit." And then I put it out of my mind and moved on with my life.

So, yeah, you can choose to do that. Why let their fucktardedness ruin my day? It was a gorgeous day! My babies were happy, my friend J was visiting with me -- so I enjoyed it.

NJgal -- we've talked about the funeral thing before. One regret I have about not knowing is that WH did not want to go to OW's BH's mom's funeral and I insisted and said I would take the kids alone if he wouldn't go because "that's what friends do -- they're there to support each other in the hard times, not just to have fun when everything is hunky-dory" Man, do I feel like an ass now.

Of course, this absolutely qualifies under miracle's making the best decision I could with the information I had at the time. WH's FOO is also like ATS's wife's in that he never wanted to "bother" me with funerals -- though over time that has evolved to an expecation I'll be there and even he needs me there for those now.

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl: I hope you liked the coffee. I think it's an aquired taste, especially expresso. Now, cappaccino and latte, that is easier!!!

I sense you are having a rough time now UKgirl. It seems that you see possible triggers for your WH to possibly be tempted again. Keep posting and venting here. Possibly, you could discuss this with him calmly and offer your support if he is feeling his own "mortality" with all these deaths? Just a thought.

M3, what horrible triggers you have to put up with. I didn't realize that WH introduced you to OW and suggested you be friends? How awful!! What a double betrayal!!

Where do thier brains go???? They don't seem to think for one moment how someone else might get hurt or feel!!!

I'm sorry, I'm just thinking about LTA. Short term A hurts very much, but I guess I can "wrap my head" around it a little more. Fantasy land for a while and then wake up. A good person making a terrible mistake.

But the LTA....lying for so very long, double life....sigh.

This is why in a LTA case, that the WS needs to make changes within themselves and the BS also needs IC to see why they put up with stuff for so long. The "dance" needs to change.

Miracle, we loved them so much without question that we did ignore the red flags or rationalize them away, or allowed ourselves to be gaslighted because the alternative was too terrible.

Roller coaster ride hits again, but the dips aren't as bad. Seeing new territory though, and not the same stuff as if I was on a carousel.

I'm realizing that the months after dday, I was so traumatized. Just had to make it moment to moment, day to day. Everyone here held a candle to show that there was indeed some light, to keep going. It's funny now, the pain may be as deep and hurtful, but the body and mind have adjusted to it somewhat so I can function better and actually make some plans and act upon them. It's such a long and arduous process.

The hard new thing for me to work through now is dealing with feelings. IC told me yesterday that just because I have a feeling, doesn't make it the truth. For example, feeling that the OW is better than me.

NOw I have to work on differentiating the difference between feelings and facts and not ignoring my gut!!!

Hmmmm, just had an "aha" moment there. Perhaps I had been doing that all along, trying to ignore feelings and telling myself that they are not facts, when actually it was my gut to some degree. Why so many of us don't trust our feelings and gut anymore.

I don't know if this is making any sense?

Love to all

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't realize that WH introduced you to OW and suggested you be friends?

WH introduced me to OW at the law school graduation party we had at our house for WH in 2002. The Pharaoh was 4 months old. WH said OW was a friend from college who lived nearby. She brought her 1 1/2 yr. old DS1 and her 6 week old DS2. her DS2 and The Pharaoh became best friends.

WH and I married 2 months later.

Over the next 7 1/2 years we spent tons of time with OW and her family. Playdates, vacations, evenings out. I spent tons of time with her with WH not there. We babysat each other's children, etc.

WH did introduce us. At that time, they'd been involved with each other for about 13 years.

Anyway, yeah. Sick beyond all belief.

Just for bonus points: my current nanny was OW's nanny for two years before she became my nanny. My old nanny J is my current nanny's sister. OW used to ask my current nanny and J to look through my closet, jewlery, etc (they didn't...but creepy to ask) OW manipulated the whole situation into being so she could keep closer tabs on me and WH.

It gets worse, but y'all get the point...

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
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Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M3, I'm so sorry. I know you posted your story before, but this time I really understand what was going on. OMG. Your betrayal runs so very deep. Someone who you thought was a very good and trusted friend and your sons were friends too! Your very foundation has been rocked. There is so much history to be rewritten and so many triggers that can happen. Just being betrayed by a friend can be very hurtful by itself!
My babysitter overseas found out about the A, but kept quiet. I believe when I was here visiting for the summer, she babysat the OC's. I thought she was my friend, too.

LTA= too much craziness to deal with!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: Jan 2010
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Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iwant - You are beautiful and those three men were just telling the truth. woohoo!!! it feels good!!!

Dip also knows the truth!!

m333 - i didn't know your story. devasting. No wonder you are having difficulty.

Peace to all...I pray for us everyday!

BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
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Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Nice day here - not too hot. Butterflies continue to hatch a fly away

Can't chat. H is around but will be off to work in an hour or so. Will be back later



Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just "helped" a WS. So weird that some stranger thinks I've got something insightful to say but my own WH thinks that I'm mean because I say the very same things to him.

Not complaining, just exploring the idea that you can think you know all about someone, but a stranger comes along and gets it better because they don't have the background to mitigate.

As I told WH at one point, "you're yeah-butting me to death." I'm second-guessing myself and wondering if I'm doing the same thing to him.

BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
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Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Tribe! I left Monday morning to take DS17 for a college visit. It was such a great break from the "drama" in my life. We ate great pizza, toured the school, had lots of laughs. He's such a good kid and I enjoy being around him. I tried to make sure to tell him that several times. I had an IC session this morning and got her opinion on how to handle his comments about FWH. DS is at lax practice tonight but we can talk when he gets home. (FWH left this afternoon for a business trip.)

It's taken me quite some time to catch up on what's happening here. Lots of people having a rough patch....ats, AGNG, nofun, miracle, NJgal, UKgirl....I am so, so sorry. It's one step forward and one step back at times. Remember when EVERY day felt this bad?? too!

AGNG - my $0.02....if you feel like you've done all you can to repair your marriage; if you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you've done your best to R; if you know in your heart that you have taken the path of least regret....then I believe it's okay to walk away. My FWH is very like yours in that while appearing to be a competent business man to almost every person that meets him, in reality he is clueless as to what to do to "fix" the mess he has created. What burns me is that he then expects ME to come up with the game plan, tell him what to do so that we can "get over" this bad part and move on. Sound familiar?? The good news for me is that FWH is willing to go to MC. We started seeing a new one 3 weeks ago and had our 3rd session this morning (after my IC session...l-o-n-g morning). I am confident that the MC is going to hold FWH accountable. She is gentle, but persistent in keeping him on topic. She doesn't miss much and will return to a point if she doesn't think we've made progress or understand each other's point of view. Today was very interesting as we got into the "lying" issue again. You all might remember that FWH insists that he is not a "liar" since he would have told me about the OW if I had asked. We've been down this road so many times and while he is not quite so adamant, FWH likes to dig his heels in on this issue. I verbalized my point of view and let the MC deal with him after that.

It was an emotional morning. FWH and I got into a huge fight on Sunday night on the way home from picking him up at the airport. I'm not going to get into what it was all about, but what was signficant today was that once again the MC supported that my feelings were valid and understandable. Wow! It always feels so good to hear her give me "permission" to have a meltdown since FWH is getting frustrated with them already (less than 7 mos. from DDay). Interestingly, later that night (after the blow-up) FWH and I were watching a TV show and there was a scene involving a guy having an affair, etc. and FWH offered to turn it off. At first I said that it was okay,but after a few minutes I had to leave. FWH turned off the program and we ended up watching TV separately after that. I know that I'm holding him at arm's length and I told the MC that this morning. I know that we've got a long way to go, and I'm not confident that FWH will be able to save our M; but I do feel that after spending time with this MC we'll both know whether we want to R or S/D. Even FWH agrees with that. So....FWH and I actually have talked about what I will do if we D, where I would live, jobs, etc. It was very calm and I think it was good for both of us. Yep...there's the elephant...he's grey, he's got a long trunk and he is here to stay for awhile.

I wish I had the wisdom to write the perfect thing to help you all feel better. Since I don't have the words, just know that I'm thinking of you and hurting for you. Something to think about...FWH accused me during the "fight" of "building the case" for leaving him. I told him that I didn't need to build a case and he had already made the case for me the first time he slept with OW. I'm now trying to build the case for staying with him! Not one of us needs a good excuse to leave our WS's. We have the good excuse, one that no one would question if they knew the circumstances. But we are here in the LTA forum instead of the S/D forum because we are willing to try and R. Some of us will make it because our WS's did what we, the BS's needed in order to repair our M. But some of us will have to cut our losses at some point when it's clear to US that our WS is not going to be the person we need them to be. But as someone posted earlier (forgive me for not remembering who...that was so many pages ago!), that decision should be made from a position of strength and not from a position of fear.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, January 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


you helped a ws....i think that is wonderful...i used to post there quite often...then i needed a break from it...same time i took a break from here....i have yet to immerse myself back into that forum...i had felt that if i could help even just one ws "see" that would be helping one of us, the bs....i feel you never know when you could deliver that light bulb moment most ws's seem to need to see the light...

i have come to respect a few of them and call a few friend....

i think it takes great courage when you get a ws who is constantly posting...constantly being proactive and doing....even though we see the mistakes some of them make clear as day....they are still trying.they are present and accounted for...having others help hold them i think helping one is wonderful...the ws needs to heal as much as we do....

strong: you sound strong....very strong today...i sense some semblance of peace within you....your sich is far from fixed...but i sense you are taking your power back and methinks you are standing very strong within it....


The one I'm still working on is my daughter's name that he gave to OC #1.

can u get good and mad on this one....get angry and let it out....get in touch with your anger will help you move meta need to feel it to heal it...and you my dear have alot of feelings that have yet to come to the surface...

don't worry either about them swallowing you long as you posting, seeing ic, talking to people will not be swallowed fact i think you will find freedom in confronting those feelings....all of them....there are lots of us to help you stay grounded...

i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
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Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Well, I don't drink - never have but raising a glass of ice tea. ( I better not start now - I can see a steep and slippery slope in front of me if I do.)

Just - dammitall and hugs to all of you/us. Your/our stories are just staggering - I mean, really! You have to wonder - what is the "lesson" we are supposed to learn from this? I am thinking though, a part of it might be that we are here together? To learn and lean on one another? I dunno, I am glad I am here though.

As for forgivness - I am not there, I am not ready now. I just am not.

I quit smoking 10 years ago. What helped me (besides the patch) was that there was just no negoiating the quit. No compromise - a sort of "no contact" if you will.

Its late, I'm not making much sense.

Night friends

BW- Me 60 FWS - 65
M 43 years
DD June 9, 2010
On and off LTA with dept secretary
But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal Matt 6:20

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Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning!
(See... I always START the day happy, til someone pisses me off. Lol. )


As I told WH at one point, "you're yeah-butting me to death." I'm second-guessing myself and wondering if I'm doing the same thing to him

I hear ya.
My H is a big fan of the "yeah, but...", but it's still second place to absolute silence. Am I doing the same thing? Now that you mention it. Yes, but (lol) I guess I feel justified in doing so because it's part of "risk-assessment" to me. I think it's fair for me to say "Yes, he's done x, y and z, but..." because of the true colors that were shown. The adept liar he has proven himself to be. I feel I have every reason to question everything, because had I done that before....
Anyway, I realize now that this is not conducive to reconciliation, even tho I understand the motivation behind it. I can see now that I've backed off for the past 3 weeks and see how relaxed I've become, that maybe I didn't let go enough during R myself.
(Don't get me wrong, I'm not beating myself up, he's still done stupid crap that's inconsistent with his stated goals.)

I have more to say, but I have to pack up some of these kids.
Be back in a few.

Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, January 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Triggers suck. I try and push them out of my mind. Think about other stuff. Triggers are sneaky bastards though. They sometimes come at you when you least expect them. Those are the hardest to deal with.
I have tiggers everyday. I always think we all cross paths for some reason. Dip, I believe you crossed my path for the reason to tell me, a message I will have triggers until the day I die. .. So I accept this is the new me. I decided to stay, R, and I now must deal with these when they occur. It's on me. just coming here is a trigger.

I can handle them today. I am not afraid to discuss infidelity here nor around someone that brings it up. Infidelity is human nature.. so is murder btw...

So How do you deal with them... I think first is you must be happy in your relationship. So if your spouse is not going to make you happy, you need to get out of it. If you can be in a good relationship and start being happy with all the things that make you happy, you can deal with triggers as they come up.

I am not the inventor of how to overcome tiggers. My therapist educated me as to what to doÖ You must shift your mind.

I have been working on dealing with triggers for months and month. I accept they never will go. EVER! NEVER! The just are never going away. It is stuck in my brain memory. Just like Dip's battle with them since his dday in 1988. They are not going away.

I strongly believe they would go away if I D and find a new mate. Only then the chemicals of a new love overtake the momories of the old spouse... the old memories become faded to the lowest possible point possible... (heck, I may even find this out one day too?? I'm not scared)

So when you R, you must know what I say.. this is forever. There is no escape. too me, I think R'ing is harder than D. You have different problems but for me I know they would be more problems of Inconvenience... I am sure I could find a good woman just like some of you fine women here... (sometimes I think it is so unfair I treat my wife (a cheater) so well while you are treated so poorly.. Life's funny that way.. it is not always fair.)

Triggers are a part of me now... I wish they weren't, but they are. I look at them as the new me..

I am a changed man today. I can cry while watching a movie as I can now relate to others pain no longer innocent to the evils of the world. I now have this neat ablity to also feel anothers pain... I didn't have this before dday... I never had it because I never had pain my whole life until at the age of 47.

So Nofun, if you think I cannot still cry over thinking about what my W did, think again. I can do that if I want. I overcome it by shifting my thoughts when I come close.. It always starts with an... I AM NOT GOING THERE... then I call a friend, call my parents, I call my W, I go tell my W just to give me a hug... I go for a run.. I read the paper... I shift my mind, my thinking..

I am sure anyone can do this but it take a conscience efffort. To practice it take you doing it everyday.. day in and day out.

Eventually, You can do it well... Then you just accept it as you.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:34 AM, January 20th (Thursday)]

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